[kms2014]

Hi, just joined this forum today. Here is my story-
I have been with my partner for 16 years, married for 9 years. When i met him i know he used cocaine occasionally when out socially but he agreed to stop and I had no reason to suspect otherwise.
He built up a successful business and i also have a good job so we literally had more money than we knew what to do with. He gave his parents and siblings endless amounts of money -helped them out of financial situations. We really did have the good life. I then began to suspect that he was using cocaine more. He would go on drinking sessions on a friday afternoon with people he did business with. He claimed it wasnt an issue and it was under control.
Then in 2010 the recession really hit us hard. A number of companies he worked for went bust leaving us with large unpaid invoices. By now i was pregnant with our second child. For me, i have the view that as long as we stick together, i would quite happily live in a caravan. My partner though was tormented by days of former glories and was too stubborn with pride and tried to maintain a champagne lifestyle.
So the past 4 years our lives have gradually got worse and worse. Our debts have spiralled (for a time this was happening without me being aware). He stopped paying the mortgage last year. The first i became aware was when i found a letter for a repossesion hearing. He had hidden all previous letters from me whilst claiming we had no issues financially. To this day i dont know where the mortgage money has gone. I managed to raise funds to clear the arrears but i now know he has destroyed my credit rating so i wouldnt be able to do this a second time. He has had various bouts of counselling, gone to AA, he’s on antidepressants (which he only takes if i remind him), had a full health review to check there are no underlying medical issues – but still the spiralling continues. He attends counselling and AA a couple of times but then heclaims “his drinking and cocaine use is not as bad as you think”. However if i had a penny for everytime i found a used bag of cocaine hidden down the couch, dropped on the living room, in his pockets, in the car….i would be an extremely rich woman!
In March of this year, he had a particulary bad meltdown. He disappeared for a day and a half. I have no idea where he was. He came back remoresful and said he wanted to change. We seperated for a month and then he swore he would get better and get help. For a time he did but then I started finding the used cocaine bags. I opened his car boot one day to find a bin bag full of empty red wine bottles. i’ve found them hidden in the garage, the garden, behind the couch….even under my 4 year old daughters bed! The final straw was last week our daughter was ill in the night. I came downstairs and caught him actually snorting cocaine. This isnt the only event of course – its the lies, the coming home late, having no money when you know he has been paid (he is still running his business which has now picked up again) and no explanation as to where the
money has gone.
For me, its like a switch has been flicked. I want out. The anxiety of trying to help a user who isnt even trying to help themselves was really taking its toll on me. I couldnt face getting out of bed in the morning. Now I feel like a weight has been lifted. He has been gone for 10 days -at his mum and dads -but i feel so much calmer. I face a daunting task of selling our house to clear pur mammoth debts but once this is done i feel like i will be ok. I look forward to a calm life with my two children (8 and 4). They have had a rough couple of years with their dads ups and downs. I have spent the past six – twelve months trying to support him to get better and I am ashamed to say, feel like i have been short and snappy with the children. Its almost like I have had 3 children with him being the needy child.
My issue is this…i have a worry that my partner will do something silly – like attempt to end his life. His behaviour can be so irrational. Despite my dislike of the person he has become, i cant forget the wonderful person he once was before he let drugs and alcohol take control of him. He has text me this morning saying he cant lose me. That if our marriage is over, he has nothing. The sad thing is, i know thats true. His behaviour has driven a lot of his friends and family away. His parents constantly tell him that he is a disappointment to them – despite the fact he spents years supporting them. I can’t go back though. I cannot carry on supporting him because I am putting my own sanity at risk. Am i heartless for wanting to put my own happiness first for the first time in years?

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