[cjj93]

So I was in a relationship with him for 12 years 2 little boys I’ve had to raise alone due to him not being around. He always been a cannabis use since I met him but the past 3 years he took to coke everyday then most then every weekend then it stops then he goes bad again, he lies about everything he’s cheated on me numerous times all his family hate me because I’m the only one who keeps him sane and doesn’t allow him to have his drugs around me or my kids they all allow it so we don’t get on which causes another big problem with us being together, my family don’t get on with him because of what he’s done to me, it’s caused me pain heartbreak depression I’m seeing a counsellor myself who said maybe talking to other people going through the same might help me. I just blame myself like something must be up with me for him to cheat and lie and choose drugs over me and the boys?!

[danman83]

Theres nothing up with you at all or your kids. Its clear as day the coke comes 1st. When it gets a hold of you when your having it everyday.. nothing else matters apart from coke im afraid. Im doing my best to stop im using roughly once a month and i hate the stuff. But it sounds like you are best off out of there and away from his family. Just try and stay positive. And dont ever go back.

[cjj93]

Thankyou

[hox]

Like Dan says there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself you didn’t force him to use the stuff.

I can understand the heartbreak and depression, a lot of us have been there with our other halves. We have to get it through to ourselves that it isn’t down to us, we cannot stop them no matter what we do. There is no contest coke will win hands down every time. Lies are part of the course I’m afraid.

Look after yourself and your boys, try to distance yourself from him, his family the devastation it’s causing. Hopefully then the depression will eventually lift.

Keep strong, I wish you well.

[cjj93]

Thankyou

[cjj93]

Thankyou both!!

[danman83]

So are you not with him at all now?

[cjj93]

No

[hox]

I can understand your family not liking him, you can’t expect them to. He has in their eyes chosen drugs over you, his family. We do know it’s not as easy as that though, there is always something that triggers an addiction. That is not an excuse though.

I’m still heartbroken now, I don’t think I will ever get over what cocaine has done to us as a loving couple and to our families. Our families were so close.

[cjj93]

Yes my family were really close with him, & time after time given him chances to prove he’s going to change but failed every time of course. His family haven’t ever approved of me, I don’t know why because I have done nothing but try and help there son but it’s always my fault you see in his and there eyes. I’ve had no contact now with him neither have the kids since Sunday everydays been a a struggle but it is getting easier it’s the night time when I’m alone and kids are asleep that gets me though

[hox]

I understand the struggle, the evenings are definitely the worst. I found Netflix helps. Something to concentrate on instead of the loneliness and anxiety.

He blames you so his family blame you. Lies and manipulation.

Keep yourself busy and concentrate on yourself and your children instead of your ex. He’s an adult and has to look after himself, he has made the choice using coke.

Keep strong.

[cjj93]

Thankyou very much I’m finding reading these replies help a little & I do keep myself busy as much as I can now started reading books to literally make me fall asleep without thinking

[brandon]

It’s not you that’s at fault, and I think deep down you know that, perhaps you were trying to find a cause?

It sounds like a situational based addiction. He associates certain situations with stress, enjoyment, anxiety, etc and either enhances or reduces those emotions via coke.

Once you loose control of your emotions in those situations the harder it is to remember how to deal with them without drugs.

I celebrate my 6 year anniversary with my girlfriend tomorrow who has stuck by me no matter what, drugs, depression, suicide attempts…

The best thing she ever did was kick me out and take my keys.

It made me realise quite how bad it had gotten, and nothing else compared to being sober at home as I had no where else to go.

I never did it at home whilst she was there. I could go for weeks without it, but certain situations like after work drinks, an argument, driving home through town knowing friends are out… would spark a relapse. … then I’d be gone for days without even telling her where I was/ who I was with/ what I was doing…

It’s not that I didn’t care about her, it was the fact I thought she would be disappointed in me if she knew the truth, so instead of lying, I just stayed silent.

We started to talk and She helped me open about my feelings and now she understands that every now and again I need a blow out. But as long as she knows and no plans get ruined because of it then there are no qualms.

That has helped me control and monitor when I do it and has helped me prioritise the most important things in our lives, not just my own.

It’s not easy and takes a lot of will power to say no to friends out drinking, but trust me when I say that no happy person continuously uses coke.

Find the root cause of the ‘escape’ then work on the solution.

… don’t get me wrong, this isn’t always the case, but if you want to work through it together, then that is the best solution, as long as you both genuinely want to change your circumstances, not just one of you.

Now, obviously because of what he’s done it would be hard to ever forgive, and obviously you’d never forget… and no one would blame you.

But deep down that same person you fell in love with 12 years ago before the drugs is still there, it’s up to you if you want to find him.

Personally … as a man talking … I’d be very surprised if he sought forgiveness. It might take a big move for you and the kids to go abroad or to another city to make him realise how bad it’s got?

But don’t worry, when I was a child both of my parents were drug addicts, my mother dragged herself away from her toxic ex husband (my real dad) and protected us for 13 years on her own until she met my step dad. They’ve been together for 15 years and he has been clean for 15 years. I haven’t seen her ex husband for 19 years now.

As a kid it was shocking. But now I’m older I understand the situation and do not hold resentment toward my mother for taking us away from him as we grew to understand she was a victim of him.

In a way I don’t even blame him. He wasn’t strong enough to break out from the drugs, and they are very easy to fall in to… but he was a violent man, therefore that’s where I cannot forgive.

I was raised to listen to people’s stories before you decide an opinion on them. Now your kids are with you they will grow up with a better understanding of the world around them and how just the smallest choices you make have the ability to change someone’s life.

Sorry to write an essay, but your story is very similar to my situation 20 years ago, and I simply wish my mother was told the things I’ve mentioned above to you, all those years ago.

Good luck x

[cjj93]

I totally understand it’s hard and I know who he is now isn’t the man I fell in love with and I know he is there trying to get back to his normal self but there’s only so much I can take and having the little ones to deal with and then him it’s so hard so I just stay away and keep the kids away, I have done everything he’s asked I’ve helped in every way I can I’ve stayed up in his worse cases I’ve let him in I’ve took him turning point I’ve took him hospital when he needed to I’ve picked him up from the police station I wake up when he bangs down my door out his face I tell him I love him and I want to help and then he lies about it I’ve tried the letting him have his blow outs and he just causes too much crap with it all, I give him space and I’ve tried the staying away to make him realise what he had and instead he proves me right about all my assumptions that he’s out with another girl ‘moving on’ because (his words) I wasn’t there for him for 3 days and he was desperate for sex etc it’s like I can’t win it’s like I either put up with it and stay with him and be hurt or I leave him he moves on and he’s vile to me regardless and still hurts me and I’m getting to the point where I think enough is enough and I deserve so much better and if he wants to get better to prove to me he wants and Loves me and the kids and it’s all mistakes then he needs to do it quick before it’s too late and he looses us for good. His family have been the same using drugs so he knows what it’s like as a kid to be around a parent using so I don’t see why he would want the same for his kids?!

[hox]

You have done a hell of a lot for your ex and he has caused you pain, heartache and depression, which you have had to seek help for.

We know they are not the loving person they used to be and would love them to return, say it’s been a big mistake, they miss us, they love us and have given up the cocaine for good.

We live in hope, but like you say he has to do it quick before its too late. You deserve respect and you are not receiving it.

Look after yourself physically and mentally because if he does return it will be to a better, stronger you.

[cjj93]

Thankyou

[anon20]

He is deep in addiction and if he doesn’t want to stop or get help then no one can do a thing. I wish you well as I know what addiction is like from both sides

[cjj93]

Thankyou

[Author]

Posts