[totally-t]

It feels like the moment I left my mother’s womb and came into the world I’ve had to look after her. I know that’s ridiculous but I feel as though I’ve been the emotional support for my mother after a range of traumatic experiences she’s had. She has a son who she had to hand over to her abusive ex husband and I feel like the rebound kid. I don’t diminish her trauma as I write this, it’s devastating and breaks my heart writing this.

My mum has depended on alcohol and written herself off for as long as I can remember. She taught me not to trust anyone else but her and it worked, until I realised that something didn’t feel quite right. I was socially anxious around men and most other people. My father passed away when I was little and I have a younger sister who I’ve been estranged from as she couldn’t deal with our mother. I’ve never felt able to desert my mum as then she’d have nobody. I know what deep heart reaching loneliness feels like and I can’t completely detach from my role mothering my mother. She also struggles to make friends as she doesn’t trust anyone.

In the last few years I’ve been going through therapy and trying to nurture myself in positive ways. I’ve conditioned myself to work through my social anxiety and have made many amazing friends and have a wonderful partner who I have a healthy communication with and who is my biggest support.

My mum has recently been in hospital with lots of health problems mainly brought on because of her alcohol addiction. Many specialists are involved as she has a lot of self neglect over the years. The nurses seem to blame me for her problems and think that my life should revolve around being my mum’s emotional and physical support. The very idea freaks me out as having responsibility for how a grown woman looks after her health is a lot of pressure and I’m trying to study for a master’s degree to get out of my never ending cycle of poverty I was born into. Every time I mention the emotional toll that looking out for my mum has on me and that she stops looking after herself when I go to spend time with my partner, the medical staff seem to brush me off and only consider my mum. They don’t realise our relationship is a major factor in how she looks after herself or doesn’t. They ask me to run errands for her that take time out of my studies. I feel trapped and passed from pillar to post. I’m exhausted, I feel guilty everytime I decide to take time to prioritise my physical and mental health because I’m worried my mum is not coping and I feel resentful of the situation. I’m angry my mum brought me into the world to put me through this situation and I feel as though to her, only her pain matters. She never asks me how I am, or says she’s proud of what I’ve achieved (which is a lot, given the circumstances). She never showed up to my parents evenings or school plays when I was a child because she was too afraid of being amongst the other parents. Every other parent showed up for their kids. I feel like I’ve had to be her emotional support when she didn’t teach me how to be that. I want this situation to end and if I had money I could make it happen but every situation is so much longer when you have to wait for services. I feel like I should just walk away but I can’t do that to her because I care too much.

[Author]

Posts