[terri]

Hi, I grew up in a single parent family, and unfortunately that parent was an alcoholic. At first the only time I saw my mother with a drink was before she was going out with her friends, I loved watching her get ready and listening to the music. A year later we moved house to where all her friends lived that’s when it got really bad. On a Saturday night her friends and their kids would come to my house, they would party all night and we would play all night, we thought this was great a sleepover with 5 friends!! But then it would be a Monday night only I would have to go to her ’friends’ house, although this time it wasn’t her typical friend group and there was no kids. Then it would be a Wednesday night, long story short it became more and more frequent and it was house parties I was being brought to with strange men and whatnot. If I was lucky i could pull some excuse to why I had to stay in my grand parents, my younger brother unfortunately I couldn’t save him he was 3, I was 11.

In this house I witnessed house parties consisting of both familiar and unfamiliar faces, I experienced getting woke up in the middle of the night by a neighbour to tell me to come to her house as my mum is sick and away to hospital (overdose).

Next house I didn’t see many people, instead my mum drank alone, my brother was really hard to work with (understandably so) he was left in front of a tv for hours, I was to young to realise the wrong in it. He would cry and pull tantrums and I would have to play with him until he stopped (if he stopped). My mum started going out with someone, I didn’t like him as he supplied the drink. They would have loud sex with the door open which made me cry so hard, I hated it, it was so awkward. Her partner vanished from our lives very quickly. She cried, blamed me said it’s cause I never slept, was always stuck in the middle somewhere. This went on for weeks, the drinking got a lot worse. Then one night lover boy rings her, 1am she jumps in a taxi I run to the door and ask her where she’s going she says my grandparents will come get me. I will never forget that feeling. Time passes, no sign of anyone… panic on! I lift my baby brother I run round my street banging a few doors to see if I could use their phone, and eventually my grandparents come.

Too many events after this, but I eventually got into kinship but still had to face her, my high school friends would also ring me and tell me that she would be falling around the streets with my younger brother trying to pick her up, my aunt and I would track her down and find her in a house party and my younger brother running around in a busted nappy.

Fast forward again only about 6 years this time, she has had 3 more kids, im older more matured, still studying but this time mothering the 3 young kids. My time was spent with anxiety that the children were going to die. The youngest battled meningitis so he was a miracle baby, but try tell her that one morning she comes into my room one morning drunk and fell with him to the floor. Drinks to 6 in the morning passes out with 3 young children about to get up anytime soon, her partner leaves to find house parties so of course it was up to me. After 2 years I couldn’t do it anymore, I can’t battle my past when it is still my present.

Fast forward to now: I had to move away otherwise I’m afraid that I would no longer be here anymore, I moved to a city about 90 miles away, I got a job, I’ve met amazing strong people, a whole family that have took me in under there arm. I have a boyfriend and life can be rosey, but I am living with severe guilt that I have left my siblings with her. My guilt also goes back to when I left my brother all those years ago, he now hasn’t much social skills Although he is living with an aunt and she is doing amazing with him. I can’t bear it anymore I just want those 3 kids, but I have to be realistic, I don’t drive, I house share, I live from week to week, I can just about keep myself. I have rang social services but my mother can play them like a fiddle, I’ve told them of her games but they didn’t listen and played straight into them.

Especially during this pandemic she is drinking every night, some nights she rings me, others she is on Facebook all night acting the opinionated citizen on today’s events. When I ring the girls answer the phone as she is in bed, sometimes as late as 5pm. It angers me, I be fuming, I can’t stand her but I have to put a front on. People tell me to let go of my past but I can’t when it’s still a big part of my present no matter how far away I live. I don’t know what to do.

I know this is a long story however the weight already that is off my shoulders. There are so many more events that I want to talk about although I’d be here forever.

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