[bo81]

I’ve been with my husband for almost 21years now and over this time his drinking has increased significantly and I am fed up of his denial and unwillingness to face up to it, especially when we have two young children. When I look back it seems that there has always been an addiction of some sort…when he was younger (before we met) I know he was into the club scenes and used to take drugs, which he will often talk about and tries to make me feel like Ive missed out on something and that I know nothing about it. He’s been addicted to tramadol/ codeine from an injured back but the alcohol issue is my main worry. He has mental health issues and is on medication but still drinks heavily…usually a litre of gin and a couple of bottles of wine over 2 days. He can become very confrontational and will look for an argument or try to agitate people, which he has embarrassingly done at family weddings. Last year he did this and was threatening to throw a glass at the wall after messing with the bands equipment…going up to their faces and being so rude for no reason, shouting out, he stood on our daughters feet as he was so drunk he didn’t even notice her as he was too busy being moody and angry with me, then calling me a wanker and staring at me as though he absolutely hated me when I ordered us a taxi to leave, as it was only going to get worse if we stayed…I just felt so anxious and upset that people would notice and he would ruin the day. He was shouting he’s bored when we got back to our hotel (which he does a lot) my daughters were crying and upset asking why Daddy was being like that, which broke my heart. On that night I just wanted to tell him I was leaving him as I’d had enough of this cycle. I ended up being so upset the following week that I had to come home from work the following day and I went to the GP who referred me to a support group for domestic violent relationships….he’s punched holes in doors before, will throw things, he has tried to provoke a fight with my Dad while we were away on a family holiday…..my parents know what he is like and gave always been supportive but I know my mum gets scared of him when has a load to drink around them, as she has seen what he is like. He has said in the past that he will stop drinking but he never makes it past day 2….he blames me, saying that I have no sex drive (I do…I just find him so unattractive like this that I just dont want to…but we still do!) and no wonder he drinks in our house! He drinks heavily and gets up very early driving to work, which I have expressed is a concern. He has had CBT due to his mental health problems but I know he is never honest about how much he drinks. The most heartbreaking thing is the impact it’s now having on my daughters who are more and more aware of it…’why is dad drinking so much…why is Dad just passed out on the sofa….why are you changing the bed sheets (because he has fallen asleep with a whole G&T in his hands!) My eldest was crying tonight saying she hates it when he’s like this and she asked us if we still like each other……he got all irrate when he knew there was no red wine left so he went and got a bottle of gin I had hidden away since Christmas that he found the other day! I try and keep my girls calm and say everything is ok…Dads just had a bit to drink/ he’s fine but I’m sick of covering for him. They love him so much but I’m not so sure I do anymore, which I then feel so guilty for. I’ve also found evidence that he has been doing cocaine, although I don’t think he does it that often…I’ve confronted him about it but he just lies. I just dont know what to do anymore to protect my children and I feel so trapped. I dont want them to grow up resenting him or resenting me for not doing more to stop it but I know that ultimately HE has to want to stop. I’m so sorry if this is long….. 🙁

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thank you so much for posting and being so honest about how your husband’s addiction affects you and your girls. I’m sorry too that you feel so trapped.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We are there to support people, like yourself , who are affected by a family member or friend’s addictive behaviours. We know how tough this is and how lonely it can make you feel.

We have very experienced trained people we call Family Friends who are good listeners and would understand what you are dealing with. If you get in touch, I could put you in contact with one of them which might help you to untangle how you are feeling and find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Take care and keep strong.

[administrator]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story and we’re very sorry to hear of your situation with your husband which sounds really difficult.

You can also receive information and advice by phoning the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Thank you and take care.

[Author]

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