[cookie537]

I sit here with a heavy heart and burning in my chest . Anxiety is through the roof … I knew something was happening because we was arguing differently . Fighting over smaller things like why on earth does he have to keep popping out every four 4-6 hours. And why on earth would we need a costa coffee everything single morning that we are together.

He would be falling asleep after a long work shift with a droopy face and I would Joke “cor you’ve been chasing the dragon today at work” laughing about it. With no clue that I was completely and utterly spot on.

Now we was already having trouble before this because he and my son both have Autism. I was feeling more like carer than gf .We choose to live apart and see each other part time. Everything seemed to be working well tbh better than before. But I would say things were slightly flat between us , boring even. But my kids were happy and therefor so was I .

Until one day he told me in a row that he’d hooked on smack and was living a nightmare. Blaming me for wanting to live separately in the first place

Now he got off the drugs for a short while, but relapsed quickly. Blaming me for not seeing him enough, leaving him alone in his flat for to long. ( I d said he can see the kids when drug tests are clean and he’s getting professional help)

to be honest i m still in so much shock that he would even do this, tbh I didnt know at all, how to react or handle this situation . So just done what I thought was right for the children.

I was still trying to help from a Distance

He’s not always been the best Dad but I will always care to some degree, But the kids without question have to come first in my mind,

He’s not attending work (he has a great professional job). always borrowing money, running out of money, pissing people off , crashing his car, wont take drug test to see the kids.

I even heard he was begging in the street a little while ago. Yet in one of the better paying jobs

I have no clue how a few months back we was all happy laughing with the kids makking big plans in the front room. Finally getting on our feet with a new healthy routine for us all (or so I thought)

to this nightmare. When you speak to him its like the guy I knew has completely vanished .

This guy is up and down like a yo yo and when its down its really bad to see. Heartbreaking even

He’s said some really foul hurtful stuff to me. My heart wanted to stay but my brain just knew I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

[cookie537]

But the guilt is terrible…….. 🙁

[kulstar]

Hi Cookie

Sorry to hear of your situation, head over heart I guess is what you’re faced with.

Your life has seemingly changed relatively quickly and that is down to the powerful forces of the drugs.

The relapse your partner had was blamed on you and he shunned his responsibilities or acceptance that only he had control over this. You didn’t make him do it.

Let’s be clear, you have nothing to feel guilty about. He’s brought this upon himself. I as a recovering cocaine addict know all too well that you can blame others for your ill conceived actions to deflect the reasons why you do certain things. Hence why acceptance of who you are is so very powerful.

He could be lucky and have an awakening before it’s all too late or suffer the consequences of such an existence. He has to stop for himself first of all, not for you or the kids. Only then can he present himself authentically to the world.

I’d reiterate you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can help him however he has to help himself first.

[Author]

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