[j33]

My father has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember (I’m in my late 20’s now). He’s been manipulative, a great liar, abusive, extremely selfish and controlling. I could tell you a few horrible tales. But above all, he was constantly in denial about it all and would never seek any help despite having countless opportunities from attending rehab and even near death experiences during withdrawal periods. He even lost contact with me for some time, separated from his wife, had a domestic with his son and created money problems for the family. He would obviously put alcohol first. Still nothing would change for the better despite encountering these apparent wake up calls.

On the other hand, he has had his ups as a father by supporting me at times by showing snippets of soberness reflecting that he actually cared. It would seem that sometimes he was on the right track to making emends for all the hurt he had caused to everyone around him. Although that would always soon come crashing down. It has definitely been a bizarre relationship with my father but a relationship none the less and I still love him greatly.

But my real issue is; his now death. He recently passed away suddenly in a freak accident due to his alcoholic tendencies (he fell onto an open fire, drunk!). I’m very much struggling to come to terms with this. I didn’t even realise there was help out there for myself and what I had endured was his illness, instead of who he actually was, as this was all I’ve ever known since young. I don’t know why he would never get help or accept his addiction and how it has even come to this- death. He died over a silly accident and I feel guilty for not helping him nor realising or understanding alcoholism properly until now.

The fact is; I can’t understand how it ever got to this point and why he would never get help to enjoy the things he loved and cared for is beyond me. He was very intelligent, he had a great career, retired early, was extremely active, a family man. He was one of those, if you met him, you could not even know he was an alcoholic.

I need help to accept and understand his alcoholic behaviours, to accept that he did care for me as a daughter so I can move forward. I don’t think I’ll be emotional stable without trying to understand his death from addiction. I feel I am only finally addressing this now as how can I distinguish his character from addiction if this is all I have ever know him as.

I am heartbroken but need help to understand his addiction or advise on who I can speak to about these highlighted issues.

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