[mrsj]

Hey everyone. I’m looking for some support and help of what to do next.

My husband has a huge cocaine addiction that just seems to be out of control. We were friends before we got into a relationship over 6 years ago and he was struggling with his mental health whilst we were friends. He has been taking cocaine since he had a bad break up around 10 years ago, although this was all a secret until around 2 years ago. He used to lie to me and tell me that he was going shopping and then come home 24 hours later after being on a binge. Ignoring my texts and phone calls for the entire time. He would then turn up at the house and say that he needed some space as “his head went” and that he was contemplating hurting himself. This would then draw me back in to feeling sorry for him and take him back. This started to escalate and he started disappearing more often and for longer periods. The longest being 3 days where noone had heard from him at all. This is when his parents phoned the police who found him in a state and brought him home. This was obviously my fault and I had the blame for it. Which resulted in the next time we argued about his addiction I left the house in an attempt to cool things off and he phoned the police. He told them that I was physically abusive and that I had attacked him, causing marks on himself. I ended up being put in a prison cell over night (I wasn’t charged) and having meetings upon meetings at work due to this. I work in health care so as you can imagine this was hugely frowned upon and eventually they wanted us to go through a domestic abuse panel. We work in the same environment. Nothing came of this. During this time it was suggested that his wages go straight into my account on pay day so stop him getting paid and going out on a binge. He was still getting his drugs on a loan and I would end up with his dealers, or their people knocking on my front door for hours demanding money.

Once the meetings at work were over his behaviour changed hugely and he stopped going off on his binges and he appeared to have stopped taking cocaine in such huge amounts.. I thought we were getting somewhere with it. He started to play football again and seemed happier than he had been in ages.

I’ve noticed that the last few months this has started again. He’s become moody and restless. Hiding his phone from me and money going missing. He lies to his parents to borrow money saying that he needs food and petrol. Any alcohol in the house goes missing continuously. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve come home from work on numerous occasions recently and he is high, denying everything and making me feel like I’m going insane. He texts me throughout the day saying he is cleaning etc and I come home and the house is a mess.

He is refusing counselling. I’ve made appointments for him numerous times and he just doesn’t turn up to them, lies to say that they have cancelled or makes out that he is too unwell to go.

I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer. I’ve attempted to kick him out on numerous occasions but I end up feeling sorry for him and taking him back, or he makes out that he’s made lots of changes. Things always go back to the same situation.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him to bits when he is sober but I can’t cope with this anymore. My anxiety levels are through the roofs and I feel like he’s turned me into a controlling person. I can’t relax unless I’m with him and I know what he is doing.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[debc]

Hi MrsJ,

Welcome to the Forum, where you will great advice from lots of people in a similar situation. I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it’s like living in hell.

I am the Mum of an addict, alcohol and cocaine, he has pressed the self destruct button at the moment and is not in a good place. The money, the lies, it’s a viscious circle which is very hard on the person that has to live with it.

It’s all very sad, causes so much stress, and I really wish I had all the answers. I think you have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to be made, but very hard when you love the person and know that they can be so much better when clean and sober.

Keep in touch on here. Take care.

Dx

[Author]

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