[daisy12]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years. Thinks are good, things can be bad. I think my partner is self destructing with alcohol and substitute for cocaine maybe. I know people use it socially recreationally but I guess once it gets a hold it’s hard to break a habit.

Strange behaviour like disappearing after a row, sometimes causing rows and stonewalling for days.

I’ve brought it up a few times and not an issue. Then sometimes it is an issue and promised to stop. But hasn’t. Just wondered if anyone had any advice?

[danman83]

Has he admitted he has coke ? A lot of people now who have alcohol.. have to have coke as well.. this is main trigger in using cocaine. Alcohol makes you crave coke.

In relapsing on cocaine. You have emotional.. mental and physical relapse.. and they start in that order..

Causing arguments and rows and dissapearing, could be emotional relapse. Cocaine makes you do these things as an excuse to get it. But i dont know the ins and outs if he is using or not

[daisy12]

I don’t know the full extent either which I’m worried about. He has admitted it and using it but also lies about it when I know he has. Disappearing I guess hides the fact he is.

The rowing is constant and over the most silly things. like stuff you’d rationalise but he doesn’t.

I just don’t know what to do… give him space to sort it or reach out if I reach out I think I’m just pushing him further away and further to doing it.

[holton]

Hi , my son has a big problem with cocaine. He is 32 yrs old and started off maybe 10 yrs ago using at weekends. Gradually I noticed changes in him. Losing jobs having no money and not having contact with me as much. We are /were a close family. Now he uses every day . I don’t recognise him anymore. I haven’t seen him for 2 months .I keep contact by texts . He says he will visit but something always comes up. I know his life is all about planning to get the drug . When I saw more of him the arguments were terrible. He would go in to rages and say awful things to me. He’s totally paranoid and with the drugs come’s the mood swings. He was always sorry after he had been awful. But then the next time say the exact same things . It drove a big wedge between us because after years of the same abuse eventually I stopped asking him to come round .I love him but I was dreading him coming because I couldn’t take any more. I’m nearly 60 in bad health. I’ve gone with him to get help from various organisations but I realised he only ever went to please me and and he never followed any thing up. The rows are very hard to deal with and I stopped even trying to reason with him . I was arguing with a substance not the son I knew . I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice because all these years later I still don’t know any answers . I suppose one thing is years ago I stopped taking it personally and the penny dropped that I couldn’t reason with him the drug is far more powerful than me x I wish u well x

[daisy12]

Thank you Holton for your reply. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s just a helpless place to be when you love them dearly and sole destroying.

Denial is the worst and then have moments of realisation that maybe substituting vodka for that other stuff helps but it’s worse switching from one to another. The mood swings are sever…. as in verbally not physically. And the things that are said cut deep like a knife. It’s the iractic. Behaviour the broken empty promises. The nastiness is just heart breaking. I think I’ve taken this all to heart and actually like you say it’s not personal it’s the drugs/alcohol. However that does lead to other mental health problems such as depression and anxiety and without help it’s a vicious circle. It’s definitely got worse the arguments recently and weeks at a time with no communication or some but it’s nasty or self pity. It’s hard when you love someone unconditionally cause you hold out for the best bits and want them to be better.

I’m sorry your son has put you through this and at your age you should be enjoying life and worrying…

thanks for your reply. It’s comforting in some ways as I feel totally isolated not being able to talk to people about things.

Wish you well also x

[holton]

Your post is so very true and so similar to my experience. The self pity is something I hear a lot. He also sends lots of voice messages and my daughter says don’t read them if he’s been in a angry tirade but I always listen because I think he may do something even worse if I don’t listen . He says I don’t lovery him I love my daughter more and my other son more. It sounds so childish but in his head he believes it . He thinks we have turned against him . The jelousy is very real he’s jelous of his siblings and I think somewhere inside he’s jelous of the life we had before the drugs and drink took over. It makes me feel useless as nothing I try to do has ever helped . I moved in with him last year he said if I did he would give it up . But he continued using and when I saw him actually using denied it and called me a liar. I can’t talk to anyone really. I’m embarrassed to tell people I make excuses for his absences. And have been left mortified on many occasions his behaviour is so erratic he can go from laughing to flipping out in minutes. I’ve had some really embarrassing situations over the years. I know there’s worse things with the addiction to worry about than that but I find that after all these years his addiction still makes me feel ashamed . It’s a horrible drug isn’t it . I still have hope he will want to recover from this . We have to have hope.

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