[maxheadroom]

My son is 25 and has used drugs since starting smoking weed at 15. It escalated at university and he is now addicted to coke, alcohol and also takes pills to help him sleep. We have tried everything to help him but he still doesn’t think he is addicted and it is all under control.

This year has been horrendous with family bereavements and his behaviour has just got unmanageable. We have been trying to help him find somewhere else to live as we felt we were enabling his behaviour with him living at home and could not cope with his mood swings, having drugs in the house and general life living with an addict. He resisted moving out but has now eventually moved into a shared house. However, as we could have predicted, after just one month he is not paying his rent and has been fired from work for not turning up. He is going to be kicked out of his house and we told him there is no way he can return home. Has any one else been in this situation? I think he needs to hit rock bottom before he will even admit he has a problem but the thought of that just terrifies me.

We cannot have him back home though, my daughter has said she will leave if he returns and my own mental health cannot cope with him at home. But what are the alternatives? He has no friends to go to as they have all grown up and won’t put up with his behaviour. He has stolen off all other family members so they won’t have him. I can’t bear the thought of him being homeless . Sorry for the ramble, thanks for reading!

[cyclingmad]

Hi maxheadroom, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. this is my first post but your story is very similar to mine for the last 10 years. My husband has 2 grown up children, one 30 and another 29. The elder is a few years ahead of your sons path. He smoked weed, drank and got into trouble as a teen as his mother didnt instill discipline and enabled his behaviour. Various home kick outs, hostel kick outs, 2 stays in prision, a large no of stays in mental health unit, he is still being enabled by his mother. He is addicted to coke does it several times a week, drinks every night and is violent and abusive. He like your son has no true friends all his mates and family are disgusted by his behavior. He has mental health h issues which are not helped by his addictions, he knows whether there is support but refuses, thinks its above him or there is no problem. He is a regular self harmer but is unable to stop sniffing.

I have anxiety and this is a trigger. I has come between my husband and I, who tries his best to support without enabling. It came to a head recently, whilst coked up became extremely abusive to his dad, his dad has stopped all contact. My husbands mental health and mine was suffering.

If he isnt prepared to accept help or see he has a problem there isnt a lot you can do. First thing i would say is stop all monetary help, this is a huge part of enablement. Second, suggest or give him info where he can get help NA, AA or CA. Thirdly, if you dont want him back in house, which we stopped because of thieving, suggest he registers with local council. Fourthly, dont beat yourself up and look after youself and your family.

Stay strong x

[maxheadroom]

Thanks for replying, I’m trying to be strong but it’s really difficult isn’t it? It’s also causing issues between me and my husband and we need to try and be a united front. I will give him details of drug agencies and the local council.

It is so difficult not to blame yourself , I do think he has a mental health issue that he needs to address but he thinks he is fine it’s everyone else with the problem! We seem to lurch from one crisis to another with him.

[cyclingmad]

Hi,

Its is incredibly difficult to not blame yourself and also to stop it destroying other relationships.

We sent a long fair clear text because he would not answer calls or see his dad. Saying maybe you should get drug, alcholol, mental health and budgeting support, told him all our wishes of what he could achieve and it was achievable with hard work, commitment, soulsearching, but there is a love and a chance of a better family life if you do the work but no..

Ultimately no one change but them..especially when they have the crisis team trying to help and even they cant get him to engage. Most recent stay in mental health unit lasted 3 weeks then he got kicked out for getting on the drink.

I wish i had seen danmans advice 10 years ago. If only there were more danmans to speak to these lads before it gets serious x

[danman83]

Hiya, I hope you are OK.

I’m just over 3 months clean from cocaine now after 11 to 12 years addiction. I’m no were near cured as yet. But I’m getting there. I’ve tried for the last 7 years to quit. I’ve tried everything. But 1st of all you have to want to quit for your self. You can’t be forced or it won’t help. I had to delete all dealers numbers, friends and family who use, deleted my Facebook account and social media. You can message dealers on there, and seeing people and there happy fake life’s can make u want to use.

The come downs from coke are awful. The minute my bag ran out I wanted more and if I could not get any, I would feel depressed and suicidal. This can last for days.

I hit my rock bottom on boxing day for the 2nd time. My heart was pounding for days and days, I had bad anxiety and I just had enough.

So I decided to join CA anonymous after vowing if never do meetings ect…. Now I’m doing meetings, I’m working the 12 steps and I’ve got a sponsor. I have to connect with other addicts each day which helps. And this programme is working. I feel amazing today. I feel so happy and everything is falling into place.

I know how you feel regarding your son. My 1st rock bottom I was crying at 6am on my own and text my mum everything. I told her the lot. She was upset a great deal. And checked on me each day. But then I relapsed and carried on using for another year I think. I told her my full story again 3 days ago.she wasn’t happy but she knows I’m on track.

But regarding your son he really needs to want to quit for himself. And then set some goals. I’d have a quiet word with him and see what he wants to do. And also u suggest what u want him to do, and see if he agrees.

Feel free to ask me anything

[maxheadroom]

It is nice to hear you are doing well at the moment danman83, it gives me hope that things can change. Do you think there is anything we can do or say that will make a difference to our son? I guess I’m still hanging on to him having a light bulb moment and realising he is on the wrong path!

[danman83]

I guess you could tell him that u have spoke to me, and all that all he will get from coke is missery and it will just get worse and worse, and financial problems, depression ect. I guess you could tell him what I’ve told you. If you don’t want him to know about you being on here just leave it, unless you feel he will be OK with this.

Make him aware of the dangers, there are quite a few UK podcast with people who have beat addiction and they all say how much there life’s have changed, and how they feel happier and bought their own houses ect.

This stuff just ruins you, it’s like having a devil on your shoulder all the time saying,.. Let’s get some.. You will be OK.. One won’t hurt u.. Then it just gets worse and worse.

I’ve took up meditation now and I pray each day as part of my programme, and I guess this is his journey and only he can alter it. But if I was you I’d make him aware of the dangers. Tough love is another. But some addicts use this as an excuse to go worse. Screaming and shouting won’t work, but if u feel it’s necessary, you have to do what needs to be done.

Just go with your gut instinct. My mums best friends son died of coke 2 years ago, and she told me and she expected me to stop because of this. But I wouldn’t. Things like this don’t stop addicts. Sometimes we have to hit our rock bottom.

Does he want to stop?

I fully understand you don’t want him to be homeless, he could get worse and go on to harder drugs. Maybe lay some ground rules to him. Or he is out. But this is entirely up to you what you decide.

[maxheadroom]

I don’t think he wants to stop yet. He thinks it is under control and everyone does it. You’re right screaming and shouting doesn’t help although we have done more than our fair share of it! The only thing we haven’t done until now is tough love as he’s always had a nice house to live in and food in the cupboard. The reason he had to leave is that he repeatedly broke the ground rules so we cannot go back there. Thanks for your reply

[danman83]

No one has it under control. He is right everyone is doing it.. Well not everyone. But it’s is everywhere and you would be suprised who does. There is even a doctor on the meetings I go on who was bad on coke. It effects all walks of life. He needs to cut them mates off really and it is hard. But if everyone does heroin would he? That’s why I say to My lad regarding his mates and that and other things.

I fully understand why you wouldnt want him at yours. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

[68862]

Hello I can resonate 100%. Our son has been using coke for at least 15 years we found out recently, he’s 33. Initially we thought he just had a gambling problem as he played roulette in the bookies and online and built up massive debts but the coke became more of a habit and the gambling got worse as he was trying to pay for the coke. We only found out about all of this 3 years ago when his wife had had enough. They had a baby 6 months previously anyway she kicked him out, he came here I payed off some of his debts £40,000 (big big mistake) he was a horrible, horrible person. Nasty words, threatening behaviour, paranoia etc etc. Moved into his own place 10 months ago all good because he had the share of the house from the divorce but that soon went. Now he’s broke and is still doing it, begging for money, lying to his girlfriend about why he can’t facetime because he’s used, no friends, in bed all the time. His dad is broken and can’t take any more of the abuse. I want to cut all ties coz he’s bleeding us dry again but at the same time my heart is breaking because this is my son who was the apple of mine and my husbands eye. It started as they all do nights out when they’re young, but 15 years later its going to kill him. I need strength to stop enabling him but the crying, pleading and begging kills me. He’s still working and still has his beautiful boy at weekends. Thursday we found out he’d done it for the past 3 days so what does he do, beg and cry for the money and what do, I do stump it up! Every time he says it’s the last and he’s not doing it, last summer he did for 4 months but then it started again. I know we’re nearly at the end because he will die. We can’t afford rehab now. We are so desperate ????

[danman83]

Hey there. I hope you are OK.

I recommend if you have not already to read a book called ‘mum can you lend me 20?’ it’s about an English woman who had twin boys. They had everything, and both turned to heroin.and sadly one died. The book is from the mums point of view, being asked for money each day and giving it and how it ruined her family. It’s a great read and I personally think could help you as this is why she wrote it. The mother now does a lot of charity work and other things. I’ve forgotten her name.

Anyways.. I’m just over 3 month clean from coke now. I hated the stuff and I decided to join CA anonymous in December. This is helping me so much and is working. Has he done meetings or joined CA? Plus the main this is he needs to want to quit for himself, does he want to?

[lindyloo]

Well done Dan, 3 months!!

I’m so pleased for you, you are doing so well. You are also giving great support and advice to others here. I know when you have completed your 12 steps you will be a great sponsor and support to others in the fellowship.

You should be very proud of yourself and your family will be too

I’m gutted that my son has relapsed as I feel I’ve lost him to the devil again.

I’m hoping and praying for us all on this forum.

Keep on doing what you’re doing!

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks Linda, I hope I get there lol.

So sorry to hear about your son. I’m gutted for you, and him. What triggered this? Was it just the once? If not he needs to get back on track ASAP and don’t dwell on it. I imagine it’s an awful feeling getting so far and then that happens. I hope he gets back on track. Always here if u want to talk. ❤️

[68862]

Hi Danman83 thanks for responding and well done for Quitting. I shall definitely look into that book. He’s done GA, he’s done our city’s drug’s project he’s been to numerous counsellors in the last I’d say 10 years and like I said he quit for 4 months last year. I think he wants to quit again it but the demon just gets ahold of him. Thank you for your time and you should be so proud of yourself ????

[68862]

Me again I meant to add I’m sorry you’re going through this too. My heart goes out to everyone suffering the affects of a loved one being an addict so it’s nice to come on here and share our stories and not feel alone. All our hearts are breaking ????????

[lindyloo]

Hi 68862,

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very sad but so similar to so many here on the forum who have a loved one with addictions.

My 29yr old son also has alcohol and cocaine addictions so I know the rollercoaster of emotions and distress it causes a family.

If you click on to ‘share your story ‘ and read the Theresa thread. There are several of us mums all with sons with addictions, so you have no need to feel alone and realise there are others in your exact situation unfortunately.

At least we can offer each other advice and support and know that no one is judging you.

The Icarus trust also posts here i believe they offer counselling .

I understand how you are feeling, my husband and I have tried everything to help, but realise now that it is ultimately their decision to stop. My son was recently nearly 6 months clean and he’s relapsed again, im heartbroken and feel very low .

But, we have to be strong, say no more cash, still let them know that we love and care about them. We need to take care of our own health and well-being or we’ll end up being casualties in this addiction too.

It’s difficult but try to take pleasure in the little things for the moment.

Spring is here, weather is improving and lockdown is easing.

Please take care of yourself first and foremost.

Keep in touch here, be strong

Lx

[68862]

Hi Lindyloo thanks for responding and I’m sorry about your son too. It genuinely breaks my heart to think that our children have been the unlucky ones that this devil powder has got a hold of. I’ve been with him and his son today and to an outsider you would never know he has this huge problem. But I know that when his son leaves on Monday he will be feeling crap and probably use again although he told me again today that he has to change his life. I will look for the Theresa thread and hop on. I’m going to get my husband on here too as he needs to read others story and talk to people in the same situation. We did go to a family group at our local drugs project but stopped going when we thought he was doing ok last year. X

[maxheadroom]

Thanks for your replies. I will check out the book recommended and the ongoing thread. I’m so glad I found this site as I feel I cannot be honest with family and friends as his behaviour seems so shameful and I still feel like I want to protect him from peoples bad opinions! It is heartbreaking knowing so many people are going through the same thing.

[maxheadroom]

Thanks for your replies. I will check out the book recommended and the ongoing thread. I’m so glad I found this site as I feel I cannot be honest with family and friends as his behaviour seems so shameful and I still feel like I want to protect him from peoples bad opinions! It is heartbreaking knowing so many people are going through the same thing.

[danman83]

I fully understand what you mean. We have to accept everyone is different and certain things from the past can cause us to use to block things out. In the AA book, what we learn is that addicts have an allergy to drink or drugs. For instance my gf has had coke or a few of my friends, they have used it once in 6 month just when they are out, but addicts like me and others it effects us differently and we want to constantly use and do things the normal person would not. I guess what I’m trying to say I understand how you feel how you feel about his behaviour and want to protect him. But it is proven now it is a disease, and effects people differently. There as a doctor that comes on a meeting I go on who was bad on it. Its such an addictive drug and lethal. Its in every town. My son has friends who sell it on Instagram with prices and pictures! It’s mental. I really feel for any kid now getting on cocaine at an early age, because it’s all down hill from there.

[lindyloo]

Thanks Dan, your reply means a lot.

He relapsed about 3 weeks ago on the Fri, he said he was feeling lonely at it was nice evening. Arranged to meet a female, thought he’d have a couple of drinks to help him relax….and boom..back in the cycle. I saw him briefly after that few days, for food and cigs of course.

Last weekend hubby was going to buy him shopping but transferred cash so I’m guessing he bought drink and so on….

Didn’t see him for days again until he turned up with a broken phone.

I visited him yesterday at his flat , Didn’t let me in looked rough, said he was “fine” but didn’t want to talk. I told him to email us or pop down to see us. I just said we were worried and cared about him.

All this just triggers my anxiety again unfortunately.

Greatful for this forum to vent.

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

So sorry to hear about your Sons relapse, it’s so very hard for us to understand how they are feeling and what their heads are telling them to do, I don’t understand this part at all and don’t suppose we ever will, so grateful that Danman83 is on here and giving great advice and doing so well himself.

I’m almost frightened to write on here at the moment, I know that sounds strange. My Son has turned a corner the last 3 weeks, I hope I’m not tempting fate by writing on here, think that’s how it gets you.

My Son got rid of the girlfriend, she was not a good influence, she was a drinker too, he’s started an exercise programme and doing his diet, he’s cooking his own food at the moment, which is great for me, lol, he looks so much better even after such a short time but I haven’t seen him quite so determined before, so fingers crossed or everything crossed that you can, I hope this continues ????

Take care Lindyloo and hopefully your Son will get back on track very soon.

Like you I am very grateful to have this Forum.

Dx

[danman83]

I’m sure they say in the meetings if your not in a relationship don’t meet anyone for a year. No dates or anything like this, even one night stands. This causes us to use. You get that adrenaline of buzz your meeting someone, then it’s I’ll get a few drinks, might last longer.. Get some coke aswell. So yes this is a big no no in recovery.

He just needs get back on track asap. The longer he leaves it the worse he will get.

[lindyloo]

I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet anyone, moreso with covid around. He’s always been a bit of a risk taker though. He’s a young man with “needs” I guess, I know by his pattern he’s using again. Unfortunately his phone is broken, so I guess I’ll need to look in on him. I feel I’ll get landed with the phone repair bill. I guess he’ll have blown his wages already!

I understand the illness part, he’s always done things 100%. Drinking, gambling, cocaine, (probably sex! ) always suspected he’s got ocd, or adhd or something, it would explain a lot of his behaviour . Don’t know what my next step should be?

Lx

[danman83]

Yes I can totally relate to what your saying about him. I think you should wait for his next step 1st. See what he decides to do. Hopefully he will get back on track, and have this as a lesson not to meet any women in the 1st 12 month. Maybe just encourage him to say he did so well with 6 month try and get longer this time. But it’s all up 2 what you want. Hope your feeling better.

[lindyloo]

Thanks Dan. He appeared this morning, needing phone fixed as I thought. To be honest, he looked okay, I’ve learned now not to ask too many questions.

He was hungry but was civil and fairly upbeat. Maybe I’m just overthinking stuff, he did mention that he’s finding the restrictions difficult, affecting his mental health he said, needs to see people.

I’ll be honest, I was so pleased to see him, didn’t judge or anything.

Just told him to stay in touch.

Feel better for seeing him though.

Lx

[danman83]

Well that’s good your feeling better. Hopefully when this lockdown is over we all can get back to some normality. I’ve had enough of this and it’s sending me down. Hope you are well

[lindyloo]

Hi all, thank you all for your support and kind words.

Dan, i guess I’ll play it by ear, see if he comes for Easter dinner with his family (I doubt it unless he needs something) thanks so much for your support.

Debc- I’m so pleased for you and your son, looks like he turned a corner. It’s great when you see them being more like themselves and taking an interest. What a relief for you, long may it continue!

I’m devastated that my son has given in to temptation, I understand it’s so hard for them, but it’s hard for us too. I didn’t judge him, I was sympathetic and supportive, but I think he’s started back on the cycle. All the tell tale signs are back again.

I’ve been feeling low since it happened, im hoping it won’t sink to the depths like it did the last time. I don’t think I could cope.

My husband is detaching himself by not getting too involved . He has health issues and the stress really affects him. I will just keep praying.

68862 – thanks also for your kind words, im glad you had a good day with your son and his family.

Take pleasure in small successes.

Thank goodness we all have each other here.

God bless

Lx

[tiredmam]

I can relate to this. My son is 17 and has been using coke for 2 years. He has mental health conditions. I have sat just now at 2am on easter sunday and emailed the ymca to see if they can take my son as I am now at breaking point. I feel i may be enabling him by giving him the life he has though i am also torn as he is 17 and he has mental health conditions. I lay awake most nights wondering what i can do to help. I have been open and honest with all professional agencies in the hope they will help however i am advised because he is not waiting to be convicted of a crime and because he hasnt a criminal record there are no services that can help me. He cant go to family as they are sick of his lies and to be quite honest i dont want to give them the stress that comes with trying to keep a roof over his head. He jumps from friends to friends. He had a good few weeks and then somehow he has made a new friends who he promises doesnt take drugs though i am very aware he does. He has just left the house in a taxi at 12.40 am…. promising he is not taking drugs. Really. We have slept with keys under our pilllows in an attempt to keep him in. Last weekend he was trying to climb out the bathroom window at 4pm in the afternoon as we wouldnt let him out. He was not phased by the drop which to any rational person you could see would break bones. He only did not go out of it as he couldnt fit. He ended up pushing me and threatening me in a frenzied rage. My partner called the police who came out though we were no better off as i said no to pressing charges. I didnt want to damage his future with a criminal record – is that me enabling him? The police have been regularly at this house these last 12 months. Some times the neighbours have called the police because of his rages. I have another son in the house who doesnt need to see all of this. I feel ashamed to say this however i feel like i am starting to hate my own son. He ruins everything, Christmas night he took off and we had to call the police. My partners birthday, the day my grandparent passed away every single event is ruined by my 17 year olds disregard for anyone and anything other than his own self and drug use. I am at my witts end. I dont know how my partner and my other son cope in this house. I dont tell friends or colleagues as i am ashamed i dont want them to know what goes on as i dont want them to judge him later in life if he manages to have a clean life. I spend most nights preying for a miracle which I feel is never going to come. I feel my son that i gave birth to has gone and we have lost him forever. Sorry to jump on this post i guess it is a relief to read that i am not alone

[drainedmum]

Hi Tiredmam

I am reading your post and I can relate to everything.

My son is basically killing me emotionally and mentally with his lies, debt, and activities ( which has turned me into a cid)

I work full time and it is affecting all my life as though I’m the addict. I have withdrawn from all friends as I am so ashamed, also I can’t bear seeing their kids living as a responsible person as it makes me feel as failure as a mum as my child is not acting like a responsible adult.

Easter Sunday I lay on my bathroom floor and just wanted to leave this world ( not as in doing anything) but thinking it’s the only way I’m going to get peace as a year on, arguments, hugging and being truthful to making more debt I see no end. He rang a help line and said they took details and said he would be appointed a keyworker but could take up to 3 weeks? But now I think that is a lie too. He has had 3 bank accounts blocked so now I’m worried he is moving money for people ( not sure what else)

This is just some snip it’s, I have no one to talk to, his once real friends have all disappeared, so can’t get any info. Any advice would be grateful.

My husband can’t cope, he rares up then acts like everything is back to normal, leaving it to me to be the constant checker, questioner etc

I feel like I’m close to a break down which then will affect my job

[maxheadroom]

Hi Drainedmum, I’m so sorry you are also going through this. It sounds as though you really need help. Have you spoken to your GP? You need to look after your own mental health first and foremost in order to cope with your sons issues.

We have had to make our son leave our home as we felt similar to you and felt we were enabling his lifestyle with him being home. It is very early days but mentally I feel better, obviously the worry is still there but the constant anxiety has reduced and we have some space to breathe!

Hopefully you will get some advice on other help available. Please take care and know you are not alone xx

[maxheadroom]

Also meant to add I’ve accessed some counselling through my work, it was only for 6 sessions but was good to be able to talk honestly with someone who was totally impartial. I didn’t have to let my managers know about it as I could self refer. Take care x

[68862]

Hi Drainedmum I feel your pain, I actually thought I was reading my story. (I shared my story on the drugs and alcohol page the other day). Hang on on in there you are not alone, there are so many of us out there going through the same thing. Like you I have withdrawn from friends and colleagues, I can’t bear to hear how well and normal their kids are. I’m not normally like that as I love to hear about their families but I’m finding it hard to give false smiles. I stood in the shower and screamed the other day but nothing came out, I broke my heart. This forum is a godsend but I hope we all receive a miracle one day. Stay strong my friend x

[tiredmam]

Hi Drained mum its hard isnt it. Easter Sunday I spent loke a zombie I had 2 hours sleep saturday night as the evening was filled with chaotic antics from my 17 year old. It ended with texts from him at 5.30am telling me his life was a joke and he had been beaten up. Of course i picked him up straight away. I felt so guilty as at 2am i had told him when he comes home he is going to the ymca to live as i cant take anymore. He has stayed in the house since with promises to change….. until this evening just had world war 3 as he said he was going out. I reminded him that i mean it about the ymca and he had a meltdown saying he hates us. To be honest the feeling is mutual right now i do love the boy i gave birth too very much but i hate who he is today 🙁 . I had a call from a domestic abuse charity today and that upset me how has it come to this that i am talking to a charity for domestic abuse about my son for which the referral went to them from the police.

It is hard to try and be the peacekeeper in the house. Everyone is looking forward to covid restrictions ending to go away etc though the thought of that makes me feel worse as i cant imagine taking my son anywhere right now and there is no way i would leave him in the house alone I would return to an empty house i fear. I cant see any future or future happiness with my son right now.

If you havent already please see your gp. I spoke to mine (well sobbed to her) and she prescribed me some anti anxiety tablets. They arent a miracle cure however they most certainly have taken the edge off and I can now think it a bit more rationally.

I know how you feel about withdrawing from people. If it wasnt for my partner i would have succeeded in that myself. My partner forces me out everynow and again and although i dont tell our friends about things anymore it helps to just talk about normal things othet than thinking of all this drama. One of my friends sons was 18 the other week. He was best friends with my son when they were younger. I posted a birthday card through the door and sobbed my heart out after when I walked away. I dont know how they can both be so different to other now. They used to be so close and now they wouldnt even have anything to talk about anymore.

It may be worth asking your doctor if there is someone you can speak too. You are welcome to speak to me.

All we can do is hope one day for better days

[68862]

Hi Tiredmam I’m so sad to read this and completely get why you are at your wits end. My husband says the same about hating our son and wishing he wasn’t born and we too don’t tell family or friends because of the shame and embarrassment. The sad thing is that this drug is so easily accessible for teenagers now and being glamourised by TV series. I work in an inner city School and know of several young and I mean young children who have been caught up in it by being groomed or involved in violence. Sadly our boys are the ones who are making these dealers rich at the expense of their addiction and lives. My son is 33 and it has got worse in the last 3 years(we only found out about the coke 3 years ago because of how bad his behaviour was in his marriage and that he was in so much debt) but he’s been gambling since he was 14 on fruit machines, then bookies and online, then the coke came in on nights out and has taken over his life. I’m praying with you for that miracle that they can turn their lives around and you are certainly not alone x

[maxheadroom]

Hi Tiredmam, I could have written your post and relate to everything you say! We have had years of living like you are, it would settle for a few weeks and then there would be some incident or crisis. I love my son with all my heart but hate the way he behaves and I am so ashamed of him. He has also ruined so many occasions over the years.

We have kicked him out the house on numerous occasions over the years but have always had him back. This time however we are at the end of our teather with him and he is not coming back.

I keep holding on to the sweet boy he was before the drugs took hold and hope and pray we can get him back.

Hi 68862, my son also has a problem with gambling, do you think that goes hand in hand with the drugs?

I hope everyone has a peaceful Easter Sunday xx

[cyclingmad]

68862, tiredmam your stories are so similar to mine.

I can fully understand why you are feeling how you do. Sometimes there are just no words but exasperation as to how it happens. We have had to put our own mental health first, as much as my husband loves his son, his behaviour and demands are no acceptable.

I hope you all have a blessed sunny easter sunday. Get out in the garden or for a long walk x

[cyclingmad]

68862, tiredmam your stories are so similar to mine.

I can fully understand why you are feeling how you do. Sometimes there are just no words but exasperation as to how it happens. We have had to put our own mental health first, as much as my husband loves his son, his behaviour and demands are no acceptable.

I hope you all have a blessed sunny easter sunday. Get out in the garden or for a long walk x

[cyclingmad]

68862, tiredmam your stories are so similar to mine.

I can fully understand why you are feeling how you do. Sometimes there are just no words but exasperation as to how it happens. We have had to put our own mental health first, as much as my husband loves his son, his behaviour and demands are no acceptable.

I hope you all have a blessed sunny easter sunday. Get out in the garden or for a long walk x

[cyclingmad]

68862, tiredmam your stories are so similar to mine.

I can fully understand why you are feeling how you do. Sometimes there are just no words but exasperation as to how it happens. We have had to put our own mental health first, as much as my husband loves his son, his behaviour and demands are no acceptable.

I hope you all have a blessed sunny easter sunday. Get out in the garden or for a long walk x

[cyclingmad]

68862, tiredmam your stories are so similar to mine.

I can fully understand why you are feeling how you do. Sometimes there are just no words but exasperation as to how it happens. We have had to put our own mental health first, as much as my husband loves his son, his behaviour and demands are no acceptable.

I hope you all have a blessed sunny easter sunday. Get out in the garden or for a long walk x

[68862]

Hi Maxheadroom I don’t think it did to start as he was using fruit machines way before things got big online (he’s 33 now so when he was 14/15 it was just the fruit machines that git hold of him) but I think as he got older, drank more on nights out and the coke became the norm, he gambled to try and win money to fund the coke and got more into debt. This is how its been for the last 3 years, he’d do the coke, owe the dealers gamble to try to win the money he owes, do more coke because he lost hundreds of pounds then ring mum to bail him out. So if your son is gambling its quite possible he’s trying to fund his addiction and picking up another one in the process. My son hasn’t gambled for quite some time now (as far as I know) as he has self excluded from online sites and bookies. He’s also not been drinking or smoking for nearly a year its just the damn white devil powder he has to quit!

[68862]

Thanks cyclingmad, let’s hope Easter Sunday with the resurrection of Jesus (I’m not religious btw as he hasn’t answered my prayers) brings us new hope. He’s bringing my beautiful grandson in for lunch and an Easter Egg hunt. Love to all x

[cyclingmad]

Positive news Lindylou..

Sometimes less you know the better, cant upset yourself.

Have a restful evening x

[lindyloo]

Thanks cyclingmad

You too.

Lx

[jem]

Hi,

I’ve been reading the posts on this thread, and they are heartbreaking, also very familiar.

Danman – it’s really good to hear your experiences, and it does give me hope for my son who is addicted to heroin and has just relapsed after about 6 months clean. My heart breaks for him because he tried so hard and now he just isn’t in the right headspace to go through withdrawals but I hope this is temporary.

The reason for posting is that Danman mentioned a book that’s worth reading, Mum Lend Me Twenty Quid. It’s a really tough read. I bought it 4 years ago when I first found out about my son’s problems. The woman who wrote it started a charity called Drugfam and they have a helpline which for me has been a really good source of support when things have got really bad. They have helped me to get perspective and to set boundaries. I think we are all pretty used to not talking about these problems with friends and family, but sometimes you just need to blub down the phone to someone who understands.

Today was a good one for me, I got my son outside for an hour in the sunshine, which felt like a small victory. I hope that you all had some peace today.

[danman83]

Sorry about your son. How is he now? He needs to get back to what he was doing to keep clean asap. I hope he does????

[68862]

Hi Jem, that’s great that you had a good day. I’m going to look into getting that book too. All advice, suggestions and support from people suffering the same as us is so appreciated. Our day went well, no aggro or negativity although I’m always on tenterhooks waiting for something to kick off but it didn’t. I think that’s possibly down to our gorgeous grandson keeping everyone smiling. X

[maxheadroom]

Hi Jem, sorry you are going through this too. I have ordered the book today and another on addiction, I think I need to educate myself more. Hopefully everyone had a peaceful day x

[jem]

Hi Maxheadroom,

It’s definitely worth reading but is hard going. It is about heroin addiction, which might not be part of your son’s problems. There’s another good book called The Addicted Brain written by a neuroscientist who had their own addiction problems.

I can’t believe how little support there is for parents going through this when it’s affecting so many families. We really are left to just muddle through.

I hope everyone has a peaceful BH Monday.

[lindyloo]

Hi MaxHR

Glad you had a nice day too.

I agree, I always feel on tenterhooks, even during the 5months recovery.

I saw my son today, so I was relieved as everything was very calm. I’ve learned not to ask too many questions.

Take care, sending hugs

Lx

[lindyloo]

Hi 68862

Glad you had a nice day too.

I agree, I always feel on tenterhooks, even during the 5months recovery.

I saw my son today, so I was relieved as everything was very calm. I’ve learned not to ask too many questions.

Take care, sending hugs

Lx

[cyclingmad]

Hi Maxheadroom

Well done for making a stand and putting your mental health first and that of the other people who live in your home. I fully understand how hard that decision is, how much guilt you can feel, the confusion of if it is the right thing to do etc. But for now make the most of the space to breathe.

Maybe it will be the making of him. All you can do is hope he realises he needs help and if you are willing to help him through those steps.

My husbands son was never held accountable for his behaviour so at 30 it hard to say this and that isnt acceptable as it just goes in one ear out the other. When you have one parent enabling and one not, the one not is the big bad wolf.

Stay strong, its ok to have bad and good days but have faith x

[drainedmum]

Thank you

I am trying to ring Eclipse today to check if he is really waiting but no one answering must be closed bank holiday. I did a test yesterday and it was positive but he is blaming it on weed( which he rarely has) but I know it’s a lie as my gut is telling me so. I’m just devastated as early March I got a loan to pay his debts off on the understanding he pays it out of his wages, ( stupid I know but he had so many pay day loans 400 here 500 there) he has no credit. A week later he looses his job as he basically can not be bothered and they were all selling drugs at work! I got him a temp job whilst we looked for something more permanent. All going well paying me each week and then his behaviour changed, going out at dinner, a couple of evenings to addresses not before ( as he has to keep his data on) and then bank blocking him and him desperate to get a pin no for a new card( to me he had borrowed more money and couldn’t get to it) he is adamant he hasn’t had any and I believed him at first as he wasn’t going out and home straight after work but can see changes. I am testing again today and already dreading the result. It has made me totally paranoid, I know it’s hard to come off but he gives me behaviour to question his activities

[jem]

Thanks Danman, your story gives me hope. You’ve done so well, I know it’s very hard and something you have to think about every day. My son has got clean and relapsed a few times. His life now is so different from what it was, great job, own flat, now he’s in our spare room, which is a bit of a tip most of the time. All of his cash has been going on cannabis to help him with coming off heroin. Now his cash is split between cannabis and heroin. He’s not violent or horrible and he’s never stolen from us but I’m not sure letting him stay has helped him. Even fir the months he was off heroin he was just zonked out on cannabis. I just feel so sad about the whole thing. It’s hard to find any joy in life when you have your adult child in a dark room wasting his life. I know he wants to get clean but only if he can sit in his room and get his support off Reddit. My son doesn’t like engaging with my partner and I worry that this is why he keeps to his room. I wonder if he’d be different if it was just the 2 of us living together. I know he feels a lot of shame. I feel very guilty if this situation is making things worse. His dad is useless and doesn’t understand how bad things are. They haven’t seen each other for about 2 years. It’s very hard for everyone on here, and very good of you to help us to understand how it feels on the other side of this situation.

[danman83]

It must be horrible for you to see this happen to your child. My mum’s cried a few times over me, plus I’ve tried imagine if it was my kids. I can imagine it’s non stop worrying each day and night.

It’s hard to imagine but I see some positives here. He’s not robbing off you, and he is not violent. Which we both know anyone bad on heroin would Rob there own grandma. There is a great app called pocket rehab. It’s like Facebook. Just for addicts and ex addicts and you talk to others 24 7 and reach out if u need help. Honestly it’s really good. You don’t need to answer this but is he injecting or just smoking it?

I guess it’s better to be on weed on heroin but I don’t want to be promoting weed in saying that. But he really needs to quit both and not swap one addiction for another.

Did he do the 12 steps and get a sponsor?

[jem]

Hi Dan I feel more positive after reading your post. My son had never injected, he always smokes it, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. He had never engaged with services, mental health or AA, because he reads constantly so has all the info but none of the counselling or accountability that would come with AA or similar. He is a lovely guy.

[danman83]

I was exactly like that I read everything, I listen to addiction recovery podcast each day, and a few other things but I could only get to a month clean maybe more.

But since I joined the meetings I’ve got 100 days today the most I’ve done. And u have to talk to someone each day and it really does help talking to other addicts.

Would he try CA? It’s just the same as AA. My sponsor said its about putting or defences up. Plus working the 12 steps helps as well. One of the steps.. Step 4 is resentments. We write them down from the past and pray for them to be took away. Alot of things from the past stay with us and can be a root cause for addiction. Mine was my dad, he use to scream alot at me and was basically emotional abuse and he was quite scary, and I had a mate who was a bully with a few of us. But we need to let go of these resentments. It’s like having hot coal in our hands, we need to let go or its just gonna keep hurting us.

I guess its up to your son what he wants to do. I always said I’d never go but I had to in the end.

I can imagine he is, the crap us addicts put in us just ruins life’s.

Has he got a plan now to get clean again and what is it if he has?

[jem]

Your story sounds very similar to my son’s, his dad was a very angry person who couldn’t control his temper. They are both stubborn people but my son is quite a gentle soul very into art and music.

He is very sure if his own rightness because he’s read so much and heard so many podcasts. He also genuinely thinks everyone should make all the allowances in the world for him to sit in his room all day. He will ask for stuff from the shops or a lift to get weed. If anyone criticises him it’s them being unreasonable. There is little gratitude for anything. He sat with us to eat on his birthday the other day but didn’t really want to. He just says that he is only here with us because it’s lockdown, forgetting that he pays no rent or food. As I’ve said all his cash goes on drugs.

He thinks recovery is just about getting off drugs but I think he needs to relearn how to live normally with the usual give and take of life. He does want to try getting clean again and I am sure the 12 step program would help him. I will talk to him when he’s more receptive. Thanks again for your thoughts and for being so open about your own experiences.

[danman83]

Your right regarding what he says recovery is just to get off drugs. Its about a new way of life and living. Meeting new people, communicating with people. His life could change so much if he gets out of his room and just bump into 1 person. I always says this.. That 1 person can change your life by saying 1 thing, or just offering you a job, then you meet a girl and she changes you. Plus it’s away of life as well. I use be bad a littering, I’d truck stuff on the floor ect. I can’t do it with this programme, it’s a negative thing and attracts negative vibes. So I have to start being nice to the world, give out good vibes and get receive good vibes. And I feel a lot better for it. It really works.

I say this with alot of people, sometimes we just get stuck in the same shitty routine and stuck in a hole. We need to change things around and take the 1st step in changing our life’s around. We think that there is nothing good out there nothing will change ect.. But it does get better we just need a little push.

[jem]

You seem to have really turned your life around in a short space of time. You may not want to say, but was it one thing that made you decide that now is the time and that you couldn’t go on the way you were?

[danman83]

Yes there was, I’ve had a few rock bottoms, the last one was boxing day, and from using Xmas day night, I woke up and my heart was pounding really bad, and I felt really bad anxiety. This lasted for about 4 days. And I though I can’t keep doing this anymore, do I really want to be doing this at 50. My little girl seeing me bad on coke at 50, plus health reasons. It’s not enjoyable doing it.

It’s weird really because I’ve had worse Rock bottoms and this one wasn’t that bad. I’d just had enough. I’d been trying to quit for years. I think the more you try, no matter how long you have been trying, it gets easier in the end if that makes sence.

Plus I’ve never been a bad drinker. I could go without it for weeks. But when I drink I get coke. But it got to we’re I was getting coke without drink. Joining this programme I have realised I have to quit alcohol altogether. So now I can’t ever drink again.

[jem]

That’s amazing, your family must be so happy to see you doing this. Giving up alcohol as well must be tough going, its so hard to escape it, with it being everywhere.

I hope this continues to go well for you, and thanks again for being so candid about your own experiences.

[danman83]

Thanks for that. I just have to avoid bbqs now and pubs and so on. I have to start taking up new hobbies. I’m not looking forward to summer. But I’m more mentally stronger now.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Maxheadroom

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry to read how hard your son’s addiction has been for you and what a tough time you are having with the decisions you are having to make. I’m glad that you have found this forum so that you can see you’re not alone.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. We offer support to people living with addiction in their family as we know how difficult this is. We have trained and experienced Family Friends who you could talk with if you get in touch. They will support you and let you know what other help is available for yourself and your son.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. good luck.

[wagtail]

Hi there I can also 100% relate to what you are going through and am today faced with the same situation, do I kick him out tough love .

He is currently living with us my son (38) split from his girlfriend most relationships ended because of cocaine.

It’s truly heartbreaking …

He’s been in it for the last 4 days I’ve no idea where he is but have just received a txt from him full of remorse and guilt and apologies…..

My last resort is to kick him out as I believe he really does have to hit rock bottom before engaging in any change. The problem for me is that he will commit suicide and I would have to live with that burden!

My dear loving son is a good man and a great human being when sober ….

It is a dilemma and I don’t know what advice to offer other than you are not alone

I feel overwhelmed this week but so so glad I have found this site listening to stories that I can identify with….

Every emotion and all the physical pain we go through I can empathise with and now realise I’m not alone ….

Stay strong sending hugs to you xxx

[68862]

Hi Wagtail Sending love and hugs to you from another mum who has gone through the same as you. I have pledged that the last time we were begged for money to pay off his dealers was the last and that we will have nothing to do with him next time. Our son was a talented sportsman, has had beautiful girlfriends and a loving wife and home all lost because of cocaine. He has a gorgeous son who he does see but how long before this is taken from him too because he can’t beat it. He was clean for a few months last summer but has blown thousands and I mean a six figure sum on it including £45,000 that I stumped up to help him clear his debts. Stupid I know, still paying it off ????. You are definitely not alone and it breaks my heart that our boys have come to this. He was a week clean on Wednesday but I haven’t spoken to him today so I’m hoping that this is still the case. My husband is gradually losing the will to live and is badly affected that the boy who was the apple of his eye is a cokehead. Coming on this chat page helps so much. Take care xxxx

[maxheadroom]

Hi wagtail, thank you for sharing your story. It’s so heartbreaking knowing so many families are going through the same thing. We haven’t heard from our son since last weekend and I’m hoping no news is good news! It is so difficult as he really needs to stand on his own two feet and be accountable for his behaviour but at the same time you want to know they are ok! He is going online though (we can see that on messenger). I have ordered a couple of books recommended on here which have arrived today so I’ll start on those and I’m going to contact the icarus trust for some support. I think we have to look after ourselves in order to able to support our children, easier said than done thou! Take care xx

[jem]

Maxheadroom – that brings back awful memories of going days without hearing anything and constantly looking at google hangouts and whatsapp to see if my son had been online. My imagination used to work overtime and I’d be so relieved when he turned up. He would be chatty and then ask for money, we went on like that for ages. Once I tracked him down to a horrible squat, and he was really cross that I had gone there. Like someone else has said, my son had a great job and social life, it makes no sense.

Thinking of everyone on this site, there are so many people struggling, it saps all of the joy out of life.

[Author]

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