[crystalvision]

We had been together for just over 2 years. I knew he liked to use cocaine but I didnt realise the extent of the problem at first. After a couple of months, it became apparent he was using cocaine/crack on a regular basis.

Over the course of our relationship, he has broken three of my phones, two televisions, two laptops, damaged my car, took my car without permission to go buy drugs and I have contacted the police a couple of times when he scared me to the point I ran out of my own house barefoot when he wouldn’t leave.

The times I have felt scared and uneasy are when he seems to be in a state of drug-fuelled paranoia. He would accuse me of cheating regularly, lied and said people had told him things about me, that he had seen photos of me which I know don’t exist.

Last year he seemed to improve a bit and began going to NA meetings and started taking antidepressants. But he wouldn’t agree to full rehab or counselling. He always said he could quit on his own. He also said that he no longer smoked crack, just sniffed it when he did relapse.

The sobriety never lasted though. He kept constant contact with dealers etc. And lately, he was seeming to be worse again, constantly letting me down, not turning up for dates or our anniversary. I just felt totally neglected and didn’t believe his words when he was always professing to love me. His actions didn’t match up. And he had started to accuse me of cheating again, getting me to video call him to prove I was home.

Anyway, I was becoming a person I didn’t recognise. I found myself constantly reacting to him and began to mistrust him a lot. I hated all his friends as they take drugs too. So I was really trying to control the situation and him, which was impossible.

So the last time, when he missed our anniversary ( he was working away but had promised to be home, didn’t send a card or anything..and I’m sure he was using whilst away too as was with friends) I just gave up and told in a text him not to bother anymore, as I was tired of being treated like dirt.

He didn’t say sorry at all, just said I was unreasonable etc.

I don’t think I am unreasonable, surely everyone has a breaking point. And if I’m honest, I could never really get past what he had done previously.

It’s now been nearly two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. His drug-using friend has also moved in with him and I’ve been told they’ve been on a binge.

I just somehow feel maybe I did leave without much explanation, but I’ve tried to talk to him before and he just says I’m depressive and negative.

It just feels like everything ended like a bit of an anticlimax. And I realise he can’t have loved me as he said.

I’m in the UK and were on lockdown due to Coronavirus, and he hasn’t even reached out.

Just needed to vent, as I keep getting sad and feeling unsure of myself.

[harl]

Hi

I’m sorry to hear your story, I’m in a similar situation however my boyfriend is now 3 weeks sober and quit after 10 years. He told me he needed space and doesn’t know how he’ll feel after this journey at the moment he feels numb. I’ve not seen him for three weeks and not spoke to him for three days now. I miss him so much. I’ve been at the point of not eating and lost a lot of weight however I feel I’m getting stronger but also hope he reaches out to me and comes back to me. I understand where your coming from with lockdown it makes it worse doesn’t it and almost as thought your vulnerable.

Hopefully he will be sick of the life of drugs and reach out to you. However he will only do that when he has his own “eureka” moment I guess. Have you tried to call him or text? Is he ignoring you? X

[crystalvision]

Hey, thanks for replying.

No, I haven’t tried to contact him. So hes not exactly ignoring me. It was me who stopped responding to him.

He had been working away, and I know he was taking drugs then, he had promised to be home for the anniversary…just kept stalling saying the job wasn’t finished. I understand that he did have a job to do..but he could have gone anytime and chose to go then. So I kind of left it to him to see if he would make an effort to get back, and he didn’t. It seems petty but it was just the icing on the cake as there have been so many incidences.

I have been unhappy for a while but am always forgiving and this time, just felt like it was one more example of how little I mean to him.

Whenever his friends are around him, I barely hear from him. And now he has moved one of them in, he’s probably not even thinking of me. While I have been sat by myself for a week straight now. Guess the solitude is getting to me a bit.

I feel like maybe I was too hasty or overreacted…do you think I did?

I know he hasn’t changed nor is he making any attempt to, so I think its best not to talk. I always feel like I’m being manipulated. But I just feel very confused about how I feel now.

Really sorry to hear about your situation. At least your guy has made a conscious decision to get clean. I think maybe its something they have to do on their own for a while. And if he has been using drugs for 10 years his mind will be pretty messed up at the moment. Hopefully, once he is clean and clearheaded he will see what he has lost and come back. Maybe by then, you will feel like you don’t even want him though. Best of wishes to you.

[harl]

Him moving his friend in isn’t good move, I’m assuming his friend uses as well?

There is going to come a point where he will want to get clean and he will remove this friend from his life and could reach out to you to support him, it’s either that or do it in his own. What I’ve learnt through this in a very small space of time is something triggers a addict to want to change. I think in my partners life it was realisation he has a two year old son and also me, even though we are going through this I believe that he knew we could have a good life, that I was a good woman and that he needs to change his lifestyle. That’s the way I see myself anyway, and through his past words I know he loved me and thought a lot of me.

Don’t blame yourself for being too harsh I did that too. The last time he used I was on my way to meet him the following day. I told him that it was normal for him to do that every week and was a little quiet with him over dinner. That weekend I saw him he said he felt distant from me and that weekend was the start of his sobriety. I asked myself whether I shouldn’t have said anything and let him be, but then that’s accepting what he was doing and I didn’t want him to do that because I love him so much. It was fortunate that at that time it was his eureka moment too, but sadly was the last time I got any emotion from him.

Again what I’ve read through forums as it’s the only thing that helps me cope and not take it personally is that space is what they need if they are trying to get clean. I guess in your situation your boyfriend isn’t at that point yet? When the time is right and he’s in a better place, if you really want that relationship to work then you need to have that conversation with him and give him an ultimatum. If he chooses drugs then this is the life you’ll have being back and forth with his choice of drugs and you, and drugs will always win x

[crystalvision]

His friend uses as well, it always gets so much worse when his friends are around. He has known a few of them since his teens, so he didn’t like me trying to discourage him from seeing them. I didn’t like to be controlling either, but I didn’t know what else to do. It didn’t work anyway.

He has terrible paranoia and delusions sometimes due to the cocaine, or even an underlying mental condition..I don’t know. I have called the police a few times when he frightened me. So I know if he doesn’t stop I can’t be around him and risk my safety anyway. I had told him that before but it was soon forgotten by him.

It’s awful when you keep going over things in your head, isn’t it? Like replaying scenarios and wondering if you could have done something to stop it working out that way…

But I guess it’s important for us to remember that we can’t control another person and do the work for them if they don’t want to.

Unfortunately, for the time being, I think mine is a long way from reaching a point where he will stop. But I have hope I suppose.

At least yours is getting help now. You are doing the best thing by backing off, same as I am. It’s hard because we miss them, but ultimately there’s not a lot we can do about the situation.

It is definitely helpful to read around the forums. A lot of other people are having the same experience, drugs don’t discriminate I guess. We can only stay positive for ourselves and hope that things will work out, one way or another.x

[christinag]

I really sympathise with your situation. My partner was aggressive towards me Earlier this year and I called the police – I was not hurt but he pushed me across the room and made verbal threats. When the police came he tried to dismiss and laugh off the behaviour but he was arrested which I had no choice in either. Thankfully domestic violence is taken seriously now. He started joining online CA meetings for around 6 weeks but still keeping the dealers number around. He relapsed two weeks ago and I had made the decision in my head that I would follow through with ending the relationship if he used again and continued to be emotionally and verbally abusive. I asked him to make plans to leave but he wouldn’t and I knew he wouldn’t do anything about moving (it’s my house which I own so even more frustrating). He continued to use another twice that week so When he came home last Monday i asked him again what he was doing about moving. He went crazy, started threatening me, putting his hands towards me, backing me into a corner, then switching to making a sandwich, then threatening me again and to smash my house up. I grabbed my keys and phone and left my house, stayed at a friends and the next day when he had gone to a hotel, I had the locks changed, packed all his things and put them in the shed and went back to my friends. I felt scared and guilty and sad. He is making out to his friends that I have made homeless. He made himself homeless. And he has a home, he just needed to give his tenant notice and make plans to move from my house. But you can’t be rational or reasonable with an addict. They want to bully, control, belittle, lie and deny all responsibility. All to keep fuelling the addiction, and while he was in my house, I am enabling it. We have one life, I didn’t want to wake up each day asking myself why I had chosen this. It was making me ill. He still needs to collect all his belongings from the shed and once that’s done, I can start to grieve and move on. And hopefully he will too and choose a better life’s for hImself.

I hope things have improved for you or you have found a way to find peace of mind and safety of your health and well-being,

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