[poppy15]

Hello everyone, I’m new here. Been reading throughout the day in tears. My husband and I have been together for 23 years. We have a 13 year old daughter. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship aged 30 and 27. Early on in our marriage my husband regularly took cocaine recreationally which caused no end of rows. He would pop out for a few pints with his friends and it always ended up being an all nighter with him returning home at around dawn. Throughout the years this kind of behaviour got no worse and no better but during lockdown, he had the bright idea of selling it to make money. Of course this was done secretly and I had no idea at the time. This was his massive mistake as he shoved most of it up his nose and consequently is now a daily user who can’t go without it for less than 2 hours. He has his own business and that is suffering with debt and the fact he is always out of it. Things came to a head and in January, he entered a program and was clean for nearly 6 weeks. At this point he was living with a friend as I couldn’t take anymore and asked him to leave in the November beforehand. In those 5.5 weeks I fell in love with him again and got the husband that I knew he was and we did the things that couples do like going to the cinema, walks and just general things that you do as a family. That world came crashing down with his relapse. I’ve tried everything to help in back to recovery, nothing has worked. He’s now back at his friends ( his friend is a drinker but doesn’t take drugs ) . My daughter and I are absolutely heartbroken again. He constantly is breaking promises, telling me he’ll get help. All I see at the moment is him living it up in the pub getting off his head while we sit at home heartbroken and helpless. As everyone who lives with a Cocaine addict knows, he is emotionally detached from us and is just numb to the carnage and hurt he is causing his only family. I have no mum and dad to talk to as they died within 11 months of each other only a few years ago. I’m totally lost and feel so alone. I can’t stop crying and to top it all off , I’m in no job either as I worked for my husband but couldn’t stand seeing him decline into his addiction. I feel my life is over too. I’m 51 and should be enjoying my life but honestly feel like he has died as I can’t reach that sober husband anymore. I tell myself not to call him but I’m constantly checking to see if he’s alive, constantly looking for signs of love or hope . Most of the time he ignores my texts or calls . I’m just seen as an annoying hindrance to his using lifestyle. When he’s down and crying I’m always there for him but it’s not the same the other way round as he’s just not feeling any emotion apart from his own. He tells me he wants to stop but his actions say otherwise. How do I get through the days and nights without crying and feeling like I’ve lost my best friend. I’m sorry for this long post. Can hardly see what I’m typing through tears.

[donthaveaclue]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents and that you feel so alone dealing with this.

You are not alone. There are so many of us in similar circumstances.

I feel much the same. I’m going mad not knowing what to do or where to turn. I desperately want to get out and leave… but I can’t until I’m rehoused – unless I declare myself homeless. I have a young child so this option is scary and I don’t think the addict (also their parent) would agree to it.

Like you said… I feel so lonely, sad and anxious. He is not there for me and won’t properly chat or engage. He blames me for his addiction (even though it turns out he had exactly the same addiction years ago before he met me and I knew nothing about it).

I cannot tell anyone the full extent of what’s going on. People know bits here and there. It’s such a burden. I haven’t told any of my family… they only know he has bad mental health issues and is incredibly volatile.

In your position I would try to find a job. Is that something you could do? I think it helps to proactively do something that’s you taking control of your life as so much of our lives are taken out of our hands.

At least that way you can have your own money, independence and if you wish to live on your own you can work towards that.

Also seek out as much support for yourself as you can.

[poppy15]

Thank you for responding to my post. I’m trying to look for a job but it’s so hard when you’ve been working for your husband and that’s all I’ve known. My friend is going to help me do a CV next week.

I’m sorry you’re also feeling very low. Being a partner of an addict is very lonely as it’s a unique situation and no one really understands unless they have actually walked in those shoes.

It may be the bravest thing you will do but can you not reach out and be honest with your family? I’m sure this will help alleviate some stress that you’re feeling.

My sons know but they have basically given up on my husband, which is easier to do as it’s not their dad. They are very negative about him and I guess they’re right but when you’re emotionally attached and love that person, it’s very hard to see what they see.

It’s very difficult living with the person in active addiction and I feel sorry you’re in this situation. It’s bad enough knowing it’s going on but seeing it first hand is heartbreaking. I’m assuming you’re waiting for your local authority to rehouse you? Do they know the full extent of your situation?

I’ve been up most of the night. Still crying and feeling so much pain. It’s the thought that the once loving husband isn’t that person anymore and I’m dealing with someone completely different. He’s so cold and unloving . I know really that my marriage is over but my heart just won’t let go. It feels like I’m losing everything in one go, my husband, my best friend, my future dreams, my family unit basically everything. I don’t want my daughter to be damaged by all of this toxic stuff. Her life is ahead of her and I’d hate her to repeat the behaviour her dad is showing or choose a partner with issues like her dad. For that reason and only reason I know I have to close the door. It’s for her really as I know deep down if I was without kids, I’d still be here with him , drowning in the addiction. Just because I love him unconditionally. But that’s damaging too right?

Sending you strength and love. I really hope you can get rehoused soon x

[donthaveaclue]

I’m leaving partly for the reason you mentioned about your daughter. I don’t want my child to repeat any of this.

Once you have your CV, try recruitment agencies as well as the normal direct job applications. Some agencies have great temp to permanent jobs… so you get in on a temporary contract and if it’s a good fit you get offered permanent. It can be an easier way of getting a permanent job if you don’t have loads of experience with other employers.

Yes, I’m currently in a joint social housing tenancy. So I’m on the housing list to be rehoused as a sole tenant with our child.. I’m disabled with chronic illnesses and other impairments so I get some points due to that. Housing know some of issues such as the mental health and volatility, but they don’t know about the drugs.

My parents are late 70s and I really feel it might kill one of them if I told them. They are both already so worried about me and the child.

I totally understand- it is very distressing and sad facing up to the reality. The fact that the person who was once affectionate, who you could once connect with and talk to and who took an interest in you, is now gone and replaced by the cold, unloving and distant person.

I see that even with my child. They cannot connect with their dad 95% of the time. Is the addict your daughter’s dad?

You say you’d stay if you didn’t have kids… have you looked into co-dependency and trauma bonding? I’ve stayed way too long because of this. I care way too much about him and it is misplaced. He doesn’t care even half as much as me.

xx

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