[spottydog]

Hi, I’m new here. I’ve never really reached out before but was signposted here by my linemanager at work when I had a breakdown in May due to my partner’s drinking.

We’ve been together 14 years and have 2 children (now 11 and 12). He’s always liked a drink and before the kids we would go out to the local pub and occasionally drink in the house. But over the years he’s drank more and more at home. In 2013 we had to deal with an issue which meant he had to give up work and look after the kids, in the end we lost our house and moved into rented. His drinking got worse and with that came lots of anger. He’s never really been violent, but in anger he has thrown things at me, smashed a few of my phones and a tablet, grabbed hold of my arms and shoved me away. When lockdown started he no longer had to drop me off and pick me up from the train station or take the kids to and from school, so he started drinking in the afternoons, and was unbearable by the time I had finished work at 5pm/6pm – it all came to head in April when I reached rock bottom and couldn’t cope with the arguments, anger, name calling and unpredictability every night. I had to take some time of work as I was just crying all the time.

We had a long (sober) talk about things and he agreed he needed to change. He decided he was going to stop drinking altogether and that was a right roller coaster as he couldn’t do it, but he switched from the 8 to 12 cans of premium lager to night to vodka. He was less angry on vodka but he started drinking half a regular sized bottle a day. We agreed some boundaries – no drinking before 6pm and he decided he wouldn’t drinking during Monday to Thursday, only on weekends and started doing exercise. Then the drinking on a weekday started to creep back in, always with some excuse, the kids had been hard work and stressed him out, his mum has cancer (she has been battling for 5 years now) and she sounded down on the phone, or football / rugby was on and he had a drink while watching it. Then we bought a house – it shouldn’t have been too stressful, the house we were moving into was empty and we were renting so now chains, but it was another excuse to drink and now i feel like we are back at square one. we’ve had weeks of drinking everyday and now the anger is creeping back in. I can’t do right for doing wrong and neither can the kids. my daughter locks herself away in her room and isn’t taking care of herself, not washing or brushing her hair, my son got excluded from school last week because he hit another boy. My partner won’t accept that this might be down to his drinking and the impact it is having on them. He blames me for his drinking because I’m a bit messy, he says I do nothing to help. I work full time – have done all the way through lockdown, as a senior manager in the NHS. When I’ve finished work I like to crochet to relax, otherwise I can’t sleep – but that annoys him and he says I put other people before him. But I really don’t like him when he is drunk and I just don’t know what to do. He won’t get help, he thinks he can do it on his own. ironically, before he had to give up work he was head of service for family intervention projects and Troubled Families initiatives in local councils. So he says the addiction support services won’t help him, he knows what the support process is inside out, so he doesn’t need it.

[lindyloo]

Hi Spottydog

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read your sad post. If you read the other threads, you’ll realise that we’re all affected in different ways by our loved one’s addictions.

Its so difficult to talk to anyone as you feel a sense of shame.

I don’t have all the answers unfortunately, but there’s a lot of good advice and support from others in similar circumstances.

The priority is you and supporting your children. So sad that they have been affected. I know my daughter is affected by my son’s behaviour with drink and drugs, it gets her down but she’s a bit older.

I hope you all get the help and support you need soon.

Take care

Lx

[spottydog]

Thank you Lindyloo, I think just having an outlet where I can share, listen, maybe even help others too will be good for me, and learning how to best support my partner and my children. Learning about the different stages of addiction has been useful.

Thank you xx

[lindyloo]

Spottydog, on a more positive note , 4 weeks ago I was really upset and sad with my sons behaviour. Fortunately in the last two weeks, he’s been in aa and ca online and a a couple of face to face meetings. He’s been in contact with his original sponsor and it’s good at the moment.

Fingers crossed it will continue.

It’s so difficult, as you feel you’re walking on eggshells most of the time.

I’ve learned a lot on the forum, people are so helpful and friendly.

Check out Danman83 posts. He’s is a person in recovery and gives a lot of good advice.

I find little 5 minutes of meditation in Google resets me, for the day or night.

I hope you find the peace and support you need.

Take care

Lx

[Author]

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