[redfox20]

Can someone offer me any advice? My partner has been gone over a week now after missing work to go on a drug binge, he has an addiction to cocaine. I’ve told him im stopping contact with our two sons until he sorts he’s life out also told him he clearly needs help. I’m leaving it a month or until I feel ready to sort contact. Im hoping by doing this he realises what he’s doing and asks for help long shot i know, he’s denying it to he’s mum at the moment he is staying with her currently. He’s not in a good situation hes not going to work and out most days drinking & taking cocaine he’s not been in touch or asked how the boys are. A part of me wants to reach out as I feel maybe I’m the only one who can help him, but a part of me wants to make him suffer and come to he’s senses he let him ask for help. Is what I’m doing worse by cutting him off completely from us does he need my help should I wait until he gets in touch? Any Advice would be really helpful right now thanks.

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK. I have a problem with coke and it’s once every few week. Maybe once a week. But I’m doing my best to quit.

People who want to quit need a good support network around them incase they feel like using.

Does he want to quit and has he tried?

I’d sit him down and say you get help, go to the docs, quit drinking and using. Drinking is a main trigger for coke. Go to some meetings and start to change his life around, then say if you don’t do this then I’ll cut you off till you are sorted. If you just cut him off chances are he will just use this as an excuse to use and use. Its entirely up to you what you do, but at least you can say you tried. But the main thing is he needs to admit he has a problem and want to stop himself.

[redfox20]

Hi I’m okay thank you, it’s not been easy but taking things day by day. He broke down in April during lockdown told me he’s got a problem with it and he can’t stop and that he needs help. Tbh I knew he did as was seeing how frequently he was using and any excuse to drink & take coke. We sat down he deleted all the dealers numbers went well for over a week then he said he’s just getting a few beers he was then drinking a few times a week I said you can’t do that instead you need to cut it all out. He smoked weed up until last year but quit since then the coke has got worse. Over time he must of got better at hiding it or doing it once I was asleep coz he wasn’t eating and he’s eyes didn’t look right i confronted him many times he denied. We had a row before last week he left then came back then left again to go on this recent binge. He’s only just got into the grips of addiction he hasn’t yet tried to get help he’s mum told him you have a problem he said I haven’t she told him she will go docs with him etc. Me and him haven’t spoke since this recent binge so I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling he has a lot going for him I know he wouldn’t want this life but he’s trapped and I’m not sure whether I can help him. Well done on trying to quit yourself and recognising it takes a lot of courage.

[danman83]

Ye it’s a vicious circle being on cocaine. I know people who are up for days on it. I can’t do that.

Coming down off coke makes you depressed and suicidal. Also there a thing called emotional relapse, were he will start arguments with you are blame some one else for things just as an excuse to get coke. Even though he might not be thinking of it, his brain is tricking him to get it. Then it’s mental then physical relapse, where you have picked the coke up. He needs do an action plan to do things to prevent this.

[redfox20]

It certainly is its an awful way of living, I’m just at a total loss should i wait until he wants the help? Is ignoring him cutting him off completely helping? We haven’t spoke for 9 days now. He will use any excuse to do it he’s not started a argument to do it in the past he just tends to leave for days on end ignore me & use. He definitely needs help to stop it this time for sure it’s gone too far him being able to do it himself.

[danman83]

If he’s away for days on it he defo needs help. Does he have a good job? Because he must be using a lot if he’s away.

[redfox20]

Sorry i have got back to you but replied to myself not you.

[redfox20]

Would he accept the help from me though? He’s a roofer earns good money not like him to skip work when it’s there another sign he’s in trouble. Last week he only went in Monday. My son see him looking worse for wear this Tuesday cutting down a street near a park where my son plays. He said he’s eyes were wide bloodshot & hes skin was red & he looked rough, it upset me hearing this but still didn’t make contact with him. What’s upsetting me is he’s not got in touch to see how kids are even though ive said he can’t see him wouldn’t hurt would it?

[danman83]

No you should always have time for your kids. His workmates might have it at work. Which is even harder to get away from

[redfox20]

He’s totally ignored the kids not one message I mean I know I said he couldn’t see them but one message don’t hurt. It was our sons first day back to school since lockdown and he’s phone is off sent a message on WhatsApp to see then I deleted it as one tick she he obviously got on it last night. Can I ask you did you miss your kids or partner when on binges or does he not care anymore? He works with an older bloke who don’t touch it but knows others from the last firm he was at and they all do drugs he sees them now and again not enough for it to be a problem though.

[danman83]

I never went on binges like that. Mine is just 1 or 2 bags on a Friday night. I’m just out for a few hours. Or if I go out I’m back at 5am when pubs shut at weekend. But I’d defo miss my kids, my kids always come 1st. My kids get everything they need. But I do feel guilty when I’m putting that shit up my nose when the money could go on my kids. But they get everything they need 1st. The problem is with people who binge for days, they have had up £800 worth on a 3 day binge. The more they have the more they want, its never exactly the same feeling as the 1st, and you just don’t care about anything else. When he’s stopped his binge it sends you really depressed, even for days, overthing to many negative thoughts, I guess then he will be regretting it all

[redfox20]

Thanks for getting back he never used to go on binges that’s why it’s got worse lately normally he would work all week then have it on a Friday then it went to a couple times a week he was able to sit up do it go work next day. Then it went to 3x a week which is then why we started arguing coz that’s taking the piss, he’s never let us go without to get it. Financially he’s normally good but he’s bills are piling up he’s not working now meant to be tomorrow. I’ve paid for the kids the last 11 days, spoke to he’s mum yesterday she came round as it was our youngest sons bday he wanted to come up but I said to he’s mum he should message not just show up. My mum was here too he wouldn’t want to face her he would be too ashamed. He’s been in since last Tuesday hasn’t left the house he’s mum told me he’s not been that moody either he seems to want to see the kids but is avoiding me he’s embarrassed he’s let us down I know that. I told her see how he is after a week he can’t normally tend to go that long. You are wanting to stop it at the right time before its gets worse, i did try and get him to do this also but unfortunately he’s had to learn the hard way.

[sissi]

My twin sister got hooked on cocaine years ago, turned her into a living skeleton, she was light as a feather…. you could see every bone. She disappeared for years and in a crazy way I ended up finding her, and she had gone FAR, was homeless. Took her back home with me, tried to help her get back on her feet. I had found a place for her. She said she wanted help. But then left without a word and I have not seen her since. We were back in touch again for a few years, then she quit answering me altogether. I don’t know where she is today… I do know I tried everything I could think of to help her, she said she wanted help but one day she was gone and went right back to it… It just left me heartbroken. Today, I feel like a part of me is responsible for what happened to her.. I feel guilty, like I should have tried more. I feel like a coward, dirty. I should have done more. Me and her were so close and always together before that. Maybe I could help her today but I don’t even know where she is and if she even wants to talk to me!!!! She would reproach me for trying to help her, said it wasn’t the right way….. that I was too harsh… I have so many different feelings right now about this, hard to describe. The gentle way didn’t help, neither did the harsh. At the end of the day, as hard as it is to accept, it’s up to the person… I feel like I have lost her even though she’s still alive, as far as I know…

[sissi]

(I mean, if she wants help, I should definitely help her; no matter what… But what I meant was, even trying to help her, it’s up to her to accept it or reject it… in her case, she rejected. Hopefully your partner accepts help; sorry if I sound clumsy with my words)

[redfox20]

Hi so sorry to hear about you’re sisters struggles with this evil drug. You should never feel guilty you did all you could to help her she just didn’t want to be saved, it’s so painful isn’t it. I feel like im grieving the person he was he’s as good as dead he hasn’t been in touch with me or the kids 10 days now not long I know part of me thinks he’s glad we’re out the way so he can use. I’m in such a predicament to help or not to help I don’t think I have the time nor the patience to put myself through it trying to help him, I’ve got 3 kids and 10 weeks pregnant my plate is full. I’ve given myself a month to have a break to deal with this situation and put me and the kids first I’ll reach out in 3 weeks see if he wants to have a chat and say we need to sort contact with kids. I’ll ask him then how does he feel with he’s life now does he wish things were different does he think he has a problem then lastly I’ll ask if he needs help if he says no I will tell him he will not be with me or back home until he’s clean. I hope your sister is safe & well wherever she is she knows she has your help should she need it, that’s all you can do. X

[sissi]

I feel the same way you do, like I’m grieving my sister…. a part of me has died with what happened to her. It is just horrible, it’s so painful. When I last spoke with her, she couldn’t even align two words together that made sense, her behaviour was erratic and crazy and she would just go on rambling, it would just drive me insane. And yes, as hard as it is to accept, we can only do so much… They have to accept, we can’t do it for them, we can guide through things and support but that’s it. I was told many times to not feel guilty. I still do, I can’t help it. I just feel like if I had been there for her more, this wouldn’t have happened, as she was always the vulnerable one. If she had been under my wings and we had not been brutally separated, due to life circumstances, she would not have been down that road, that’s how I feel. She just went with the wrong crowd. But I wasn’t there. Your plan is wise and reasonable. I hope your partner accepts help. I wish you and your family the best <3

[redfox20]

Sorry for late reply, unfortunately that’s all we can do. We have to put ourselves first and hope that they see the error in their ways and get fed up the life they are living only then will they change. It’s scary seeing someone like that isn’t it I think that’s why I have cut him off so I don’t have to witness it as it will hurt too much. Thanks so much that means a lot you never know if you’re going the right way about approaching this situation it’s such a tough one so hopefully we sort things and it’s not too late. Wishing you and your family all the best too. (-:

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