[beth2020]

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rubbish, I’ve been arguing with my on-off boyfriend. I’ve always been aware of his drug usage which I thought was every so often and in February this year he lost his job, following that his drug use increased. Here and there he would ask to borrow money which was fine to me £50 here and there for petrol etc.

One day in April he rang me uncontrollably crying saying he wanted to kill himself this was when I realised how bad his addiction was. Thankfully he came to his senses and didn’t hurt himself. He told me he would give up drugs, talk to the doctor and get help. In this time we were in lockdown and said he had debts with a known friend (not a drug dealer) which he asked me if I could help with.

A couple weeks later I found out this went on drugs, when he came to me asking for £600 because he owes a drug dealer more money. Throughout this time he’s asked to borrow more and repeatedly told me he will pay me back – I’ve received no payment since December 2019.

In July 2020 we got into an argument which ended up in him blocking me. Three weeks later he got back in touch and said he was sorry and has been getting help. I met him and truly believed him until he messaged me to ask if he could borrow £50 for rent because his dad kicked him out and he needed rent money. There’s also a different loan with I’m a guarantor for which he hasn’t paid for three months and I know he hasn’t paid our mutal friend (the one I thought money was for) any money – I can work out what it’s been going on…

The total amount he’s borrow almost comes to £10,000. I’ve tried to talk and help but the anxiety and fear I can’t take and have had to tell my friends about his problems. They advised me to get legal help. Which I’ve told him for three months now. The solicitor told sent an email suggestion a monthly payment plan of £200 per month (he has a job now). When he received this I received angry messages calling me cu*t etc and blocked me again.

Now I’m feeling guilty and so sad like this isn’t the right thing to have done. Everyone has told me I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but feel like I’m the reason he has the addiction and if I hadn’t realised sooner he wouldn’t have spent so much on cocaine. I’m also terrified this might make him spiral out of control, go on a bender and hurt himself.

I’m really scared for him and wish I could take his pain away. I’m not religious but pray every night the pain he is feeling and his addiction will go away but I think I need to put myself first. It doesn’t seem like it reading the above but I love him so much and want him to be ok, I’ve really tried to help and don’t think there is more I can do.

Does anyone have any advise for helping this guilty feeling? Have I done the right thing? Or has anyone had to let go of a loved one – it just feels very rubbish and numb. I’m scared something will happen to him

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK, I’m in the same situation as your bf, an addiction to cocaine, the minute you said he wanted to kill himself I new it was coke. When your on a come down from coke it sends you depressed and suicidal. This is one of the reasons I’m doing my best to quit it. I hate the stuff. It sends you suicidal because of the dopamine in your brain has been used up so quick because of the coke. You come crashing down when it’s finished and can take a few days to balance back to normal. I’m not gonna lie to you but a few people I know have killed them self while on coke. It just sends your head so messed up when it’s wearing off.

Firstly this addiction is not your fault one bit, so get that out of your head. We make our own decisions in life and should take responsibility for our own actions.

You say if you hadn’t realised sooner he wouldn’t of spent so much on it. You know what, he probably would of. He will never stop till he wants to admit he has a problem and he starts getting help. All you can do if you choose to is support him.

If he wants to quit this is what he needs to do, and what I do. It at least controls the addiction and helps to quit. 1st he needs delete all dealers nums and friends who use, even family who use. Come off all social media, u can message dealers on there. Change his num.

Try go to local drug place, he needs to change his life a round and implement new activities to keep him busy, gym, reading, walking, anything he likes really.

He needs to avoid triggers, say places he’s used, places he’s met dealers, pubs,. No alcohol at all as this makes you want coke so bad.

I listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube as well they help me a lot. Meditation as well.

I tend to use Fridays, or once every few week on a Friday. So I give my gf my phone Fridays at 2pm and car keys and she locks it away in a safe. But sometimes I still manage get it. It’s about cutting ways out of how to get it.

I’d sit him down talk to him and see if he wants help and support him. That’s entirely up 2 u that though. Hope that helps. Message me if u need any advice

[beth2020]

Hi, thank you so much for getting in touch.

It sounds like your really making progress and really clued up on how to help yourself and notice triggers. I hope this is the stage he can reach but it sounds like your really turning your life around – congratulations and well done!

Thank you for your kind words, when I talk to my friends I know they will always have my back but it’s nice to hear from an outsider looking in. I just keep feeling like there’s nothing I can do. I know it’s up to him to choose to get better just feel a little helpless.

I’m glad I found this little forum though!

[danman83]

Thanks, but I’m not perfect and got a long way to go. Tbh I know it’s a bad thing to say, but you are best off out of there until he gets help.

There is no point in keep beating yourself up about it, you have your own life as well and you will just make your self ill. Just suggest a few things to him to get help.

Going back to come though, it is literally everywhere now, every pub you go in, I can get it delivered within 10 min off about 4 different people and on tick as well, and when you are on it, you will get more and more on tick, knowing full well you won’t be able to pay it.

I recan its the worse drug in the UK at the minute.

It is good this forum it helps me as well.

[beth2020]

Thank you, I know it’s hard but I think it’s best I take a step back and let him realise it for himself what he wants and needs to do. Will break my heart but I hope he will be ok! Because your right I’m not looking after myself.

Yes it’s such a horrific drug, and too easily accessible and too easily addictive. I used to think addiction was having to constantly use the drug but I realise it’s not being able to go a couple days with out not just hours – if that makes sense! It is very scary, like you said to build up that tick the dealers don’t care about your safety and mental wellbeing they want money. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for some people these past months with lockdown

So glad I found the forum I feel a little weight off my shoulders tonight, there was a reason for finding it. Everything happens for a reason and what’s meant for me won’t pass me. Positive thinking!

[danman83]

U can be addicted even if its monthly on payday, because you always fall back to it.

I had that same mentality, and didn’t believe addiction is a disease, but it is. Behind a lot of people’s addictions there is a story, abuse, bad upbringing, no parents, and they use to block it out I guess and it just gets worse and worse.

I think like that as well everything happens for a reason, this site has helped me out a lot, last year and beginning of this year I went months without coke, and it was down to support from certain people on here, it really does help just a bit of encouragement. But you have to put the effort in as well.

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