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[faithnotfear]

i am in a very similar position to you as my husband got caught out by his business partner buying coke. It’s completely destroyed me as he’s been on it 2.5 years behind my back. He’s been horrible on it and basically terrorised me last year to the point i wished i was dead.

However when it came out the sat after valentines day i asked him if he wanted to get clean, he said he did and so i contacted CAUK. They are amazing. There is a helpline number you can call on their web page.

My husband came within a hair’s breadth if losing everything but he is taking his chance and getting better. Our lives are all in his hands. Without CA he wouldn’t manage. He was still in denial for the first week or so, but gradually he is realising what harm he has caused.

Luckily he hasn’t built debts but without his income we will lose our house and he will be on his own.

If your husband wants to get clean he will need help because he is under the spell of addiction. I also made my husband tell close friends and family, and i confided in a few people too. He wasn’t too happy at first but put him straight that i can’t do this alone and there have already been too many secrets.

It’s a horrible and surreal time. I basically went into a prolongued shock when he told me, I’m now on a lot of medication to allow me to function and starting counselling in the next week or so.

[swoop]

Thanks for that. Yes I think he needs to tell his family. At least one other person who cares anyway. I can’t do this on my own. Maybe they will convince him to get help. I’m glad to hear your husband is getting better. It gives me hope that mine can too. I think I’m in shock also. It’s just awful for us who are having to pick up the pieces x

[faithnotfear]

Yes, they can definitely get better and so can we! But we all need support and they have to really want to change. And they need proper support.

My husband is 27 days clean, the longest ever apparently since the nightmare began. He seems like a different person, the one i married.

I thank cauk for how they are supporting him as they truly understand the misery and can say things and make him listen in a way that i couldn’t. He does several meetings a week and is on step 1 (of 12) which is Honesty.

It’s really made him rethink his whole attitude to life.

I’m suffering obviously but the least bad outcome from all this is he gets better, doesn’t lose his business and fulfils all the promises he has made to me.

Each day i feel slightly less hopeless.

[danman83]

Hey there, hope your OK. I’m coming up to 12 week clean from cocaine. I’ve been using 11 years. And I have been doing my best to stop in the last 5 to 7 years I think.

The problem is with having a business and making good money. You spend more on coke and your addiction gets worse and debt piles up. I never really got in debt. I spent what I could afford. I started using on my own in the house. I’m not proud of my self and I hated it. When the coke wears off its called a come down. This makes us depressed and suicidal for days. It’s 1 big vicous circle.

If your husband wants to stop. And he needs to want to for himself or it won’t work. He needs to delete all dealers numbers, even friends and family who use. Come off all social media as u can message dealers. Blocking them won’t work, u just unblock them. With his business I don’t know how this will effect you with advertising so that’s up to you. He can’t drink alcohol again. Alcohol is a main trigger for coke. I can have 1 can and I’m ordering coke. Most people are like this.

He needs to implement new activities into his daily life to keep him occupied. I listen to a lot of cocaine recovery stories on you tube and podcast. I took up reading.

I’ve tried everything to quit, even hypnotist. I’d gone for weeks sometimes a month or 2. But I always relapsed.

My last relapse was boxing day. I just had enough. I decide to join CA anonymous and do the 12 steps and I got a sponsor. I’ve been clean since. I do zoom meetings each day, I meditate, pray, talk to other addicts. I always said I would never join, but I did. And do you know what.. I feel so much happier now, my kids have there dad back. I feel so positive, excited for the future. Just happy. The minute I wake up I get on my knees and pray. Never in a million years would I have done this last year. But if it keeps me clean and it’s free. Why not?

With you having a business and money situations, and u dont trust him. Buy some drug testing kits so he can prove to you he is staying clean. He will be like this forever now, but if he puts the effort in, and is determined to quit. He can leave a clean happy life.

Sorry if I’ve missed anything out. Feel free to ask me anything

[faithnotfear]

Your story is so similar to my husband. He never ran up debt luckily as it was cash that him and his business partner ended up with. More cash, more cocaine, more misery for us at home, unaware of what was happening.

We used to use some drugs together recreationally at music events (never separately or at home/around the kids) then for some reason 2.5 years ago he put aside some cocaine and from then on it spiralled completely out of control.

He terrorised me last year bc of it and came close to overdose as he was drinking a lot of gin too. I knew something was wrong as he was being so weird and sneaky, but i trusted him and never thought for a minute he would have got into such a mess.

He wanted to stop, he tried but he couldn’t do it. And then felt worse than ever.

He’s glad to be out of it and i hope he continues this recovery as any other outcome will be devastating for all of us around him.

His dealer messaged hin yesterday as he hadn’t been in touch for a while, and rather than falling for it all ocer again he showed me the message instead and told his sponsor on the gratitude list he does every morning. He sends it to me too ????

Massive progress!

Thank you cauk

[danman83]

Good on him. I’m happy for you both, hope it continues ????????

[danman83]

How do you mean he terrorised you? If u don’t mind me asking.

If I smell gin I want coke. That’s my trigger aswell. It’s so popular now, all the diff flavours and my gf and her mates drink it. My gf friend has coke and if she is at ours she is another trigger of mine to get coke, as she gets on it aswell. So she’s bared from drinking at ours lol.

I hope his recovery goes well. ????

[faithnotfear]

To cut a long story short we’ve been together 17 years and he’s always had a bit of a temper and won’t let things go. We split up over it many years ago but we got past it all and ended up married and two more kids. We’ve always been super close and though his temper has been an issue at times we’ve always got through stuff and had a lot of very good times. In the years leading up to this problem we had some really hard and stressful times including moving house. It was not long after that we went away to a music event and he brought some coke along, i was pretty happy as i never had an issue with it. Unfortunately what i didn’t know was he put some aside for himself which was how his problems really escalated. So… the following year we went out loads, did the usual stuff but his moods were slipping. It was supposed to be the time of our lives but he was getting more and more annoyed about less and less. Accusing me of stupid stuff. I took him to a massive festival in Holland for his 40th… and after that things just tanked. He wasn’t looking at me the same. Always shouting about some crap. Moaning about tea/kids not being in bed etc etc etc. Punching walls. Pushing me round. Throwing stuff. I just thought he was tired old and miserable. Hitting the bottle too hard. By the time lockdown started last year it was getting seriously out of hand.. he wasn’t even making sense when off on one. The house was getting wrecked and the kids and i were living on eggshells as every weekend it would all kick off when he had a drink. He even smashed up the oven one night. I threatened him with the police most weekends. In the week he wasn’t much better. He was either creeping round me or ignoring me. Then it would be a case of let’s have a nice weekend this time… and then him going psycho. Sometimes he’d even drag me out of bed when i was sleeping. I gave him an ultimatum and made moves on how to get him out as my nerves were in shreds by the end of the summer. I was going to get my grown up daughter to move home so i could afford to keep the kids in their home.

But then he calmed down and over Xmas we did sort it out a bit. But still always avoiding coming to sit with me or eat dinner. Waiting for ages for him to come up to bed. Acting like an idiot at the family meals.

So bloody obvious now looking back….it all was building up as his mood was dropping and then when he was hitting it hard he was out of his mind, either on it or on some horrible guilt ridden comedown. He drank so much gin because for him the coke made him thirsty. I knew how much he was drinking and i just assumed it was that. I also knew he was sneaking around up to something but it never crossed my mind he would do that stuff around the house or kids.

Anyway yes… recovery is going well and hopefully never again…. i will never miss the signs again that’s for sure. He didn’t even look me in the eye for 2 years but he does now and it’s amazing.

[swoop]

Thank you for this. The drug testing kits sound like a good option and I’m definitely going to get him to do the 12 steps also. If I’m going to support his through this after all the pain he’s caused me he’s going to have to put he effort in too and like you say, want to do it. Thank you for all of your advice, it’s really useful hearing it from someone who’s actually been there. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to stay off it. Keep going. I’m not religious but I too prayed the other night. Just incase. I’ll keep you in my thoughts too. I’m so glad I came onto this site this morning. Although it feels all the more real now, I can fee a bit hopeful too. Thank you

[danman83]

Just remember though he has to do the steps for himself. So I’d suggest talk to him about it, and let him make the 1st move. But get proof at the same time lol.

If he ever wants to talk u can give him my email. But ask him 1st

But that’s entirely up to you.

I just spoke to my sponsor and we are gonna get a few from the meetings and go to go karting, and a few other things may be. We have to change pubs and bbqs to activities like this. It’s crazy how we think we can’t live without pubs, alcohol, party’s. But when I here peoples stories life is so much better without it and they have become more successful in life. Where abouts are you from?

[danman83]

Ye that’s not good at all dragging you out of the bed while your asleep. That’s a big problem and something not right there.

Do you think his anger is an underlying problem from childhood or something like this?

Or the coke and alcohol just makes him like this?

I know everyone is different.and it effects people different.

Did you say he has weed aswell? I use have weed in my teenage years and I punched holes in walls at my mum n dad’s. That’s stuff sent me phycho lol.

Don’t touch it now.

You can drink so much on coke, and just be level headed sort of. You never ever get pissed really. Addiction takes you to many dark places, I used mostly when my kids was in the house. I’m not proud of myself, I use to do it going out but when that stopped my addiction stayed with me on my own.

I’m glad your happy now then. I hope you both get through it together ❤️????

[danman83]

Ye that’s not good at all dragging you out of the bed while your asleep. That’s a big problem and something not right there.

Do you think his anger is an underlying problem from childhood or something like this?

Or the coke and alcohol just makes him like this?

I know everyone is different.and it effects people different.

Did you say he has weed aswell? I use have weed in my teenage years and I punched holes in walls at my mum n dad’s. That’s stuff sent me phycho lol.

Don’t touch it now.

You can drink so much on coke, and just be level headed sort of. You never ever get pissed really. Addiction takes you to many dark places, I used mostly when my kids was in the house. I’m not proud of myself, I use to do it going out but when that stopped my addiction stayed with me on my own.

I’m glad your happy now then. I hope you both get through it together ❤️????

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