[tory11]

I’ve been with my partner for 25 years and we have 3 amazing children over the past 6 years things changed he changed and stupidly i could not for the life of me figure out why till i found bags of cocaine in his pockets . i’ve struggled to keep a roof over are heads taking on two jobs been a mum i’m shattered physically and mentally . He leaves for days at a time and then returns when we’re asleep to sleep it off for days at a time sadly we have a mortgage togeathee so it’s not like i can just kick him out . Me and the kids don’t have a normal life while he’s back we spend are evenings in are rooms while he sleeps it off . i don’t have the finance to just leave and why should we leave it’s my home i’m paying everything. this weekend just gone was the worst it’s been he lost his daughters respect when he put his friend before her so she will no longer speak to him and wants him gone . i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place just trying to survive for my kids sake please anybodys advice would be greatly received i’m sinking x

[redfox20]

Hi Tory, so sorry to read your story. Your are not alone there are lots of us on here who are in the same position with a loved one who’s addicted. It helps to come on here & vent and share your story, so your in the right place. It’s certainly a shock when you first realise they have a problem that’s for sure that will take some time to accept and sink in and that’s totally normal. It’s also a rollercoaster of emotions living with someone who’s in active addiction as you seem to know all to well with how your life is at the moment. My advice to you would be to firstly speak to him about he’s addiction see if he would be open to getting help explain how it’s affecting you all. If you get no where with that & you can’t live apart due to certain reasons not allowing it ie mortgage etc. I would suggest alanon its support for the people who have an addict in their lives they will give you tools to cope and tell you what is helpful for you. If he refuses to get help it will certainly get worse before it will get better, and you can’t help him he has to want to help himself. Just concentrate on you & the kids and maybe look at how boundaries are important too especially when living with an addict. Hope this helps x

[tory11]

Thank u for your reply i feel like i’ve been though all the motions anger sad anger crying it’s tough especially when they don’t see what there doing to there family . i’m truly at the point where i wish he would just leave i’m so emotional drained . just to come home to a empty house where he’s not sleeping in the living room would be bliss i’m craving normality and i’m sure that’s a little selfish but i think i need to be a little more selfish or i feel i’m going to explode. which gets me know where please please does this get easier because after 4 years of hell i’m not sure i can do another year like this ????

[redfox20]

Hey Tory, that will not be selfish of you at all. You need to put yourself first in this situation as they will too. You shouldn’t have to put up with this you deserve so much more, it’s also enabling him not suffering consequences. It’s so hard when you love them & they are still there but a shell of a person who’s brain is warped and thinks of only one thing. Can I ask why he’s still living with you? Do you need hes help financially is there no where else he can go? I also want to commend you for having the strength for 4 years, once I realised my partner was out and I have tried to have him back on two occasions but he’s either hidden it in the house and I’ve found it or he’s run off and I refuse to live like that. He will only come back if he’s 6 months clean or more. This is my boundary it keeps me sane and me an the children are out of the madness don’t get me wrong I miss him terribly but he’s got to want to change and I’ve realised there is nothing I can do now but hope. I wish I could say it gets easier but there is no definitive answer as it lies with the person who’s addicted to when they get the help. But you can take yourself out of the situation and control what you do as that’s all you can do. X

[tory11]

hi thank u for your reply . financially no i don’t depend on him i’ve been paying all the bills and mortgage But that’s the problem i can not kick him out as he’s on the mortgage and he knows it . His family have cut ties with him so unless he’s with his idiot mates he’s nowhere to go. I can not financially buy him out and he definitely can not buy me out so i’m kind of stuck but it’s mine and my children a home i’ll not leave . my eldest son lives with his girlfriend now which leaves a spare room but has he sorted it out and got himself a bed no he’s hogging the living room instead and i refuse to go buy one . If he has money for drugs he has money to buy a bed . i bet it’s so much nicer having that break from your partner and 6 months is more than fair i hope it works out for u thank u for your help x

[onwards]

So sorry to read your post… it sounds very familiar to me. I just wanted to let you know that although I don’t think I’d have ever asked my husband to leave, he left for a new girlfriend (who uses too). Although devastated, my life is simpler and easier… my children are more relaxed and happier. I wish I’d been the one to make the decision, and I’m absolutely here for him if and when he hits rock bottom but in the meantime I can feel my nervous system relax after so many years of living with someone in active addiction. I really hope things work out for you x

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