[sk21]

Hi,

It’s my first time trying to reach out to get some help and advice and I don’t really know where to start..

I’ve been with my husband for over 12 years, and he’s always smoked weed which i have not had any issues with, as it didn’t affect him negatively, however 2 years ago just before we got married is when the problems really started.

He’d gone out it in the evening to buy some weed and several hours had passed without any contact, I called and there was no response which was unlike him. I kept trying all night worried that he’d been in an accident or worse… He turned up at lunch time the next day apologising for dissappearing and “falling asleep at a friend’s house” and promised it wouldn’t happen again.. Stupidly I believed him

The problem is he’s been doing this for over 2 years now, disseapearing when he feels like and only contacting me when he needs money and then promising me it won’t happen again, and we are going around in this never ending, and quite frankly deeply heartbreaking loop and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t trust him what so ever and every time he disseapeas it affects me too because I’m worried sick and can’t concentrate on anything else.

He’s either having Coke or Crack binges which completely changes his personality and I feel awful for enabling him to do it when I end up giving his cards back to him, and if I don’t, I don’t know how he would react with me in that state.

This is really affecting the trust in our relationship as well as my mental health, trying to help him whilst doing a full time IT management job and a degree, it’s impossible. I know it’s not about me and I feel awful for even writing this, I just don’t know what to do, and I’ve tried to help and just failing at everything.

I’m 34 and already have issues that make it harder to have children, and to be honest my environment at home is no place to bring up kids, and what’s happening with him and our relationship is not helping, and personally I don’t think I’ll ever become a mum as a result, and that hurts more than anything

Sometimes I want to just leave and then i remember all those times he’s stuck by me and decide to stay because I don’t want to take the easy way out, I love him so much and hate to see him doing this to himself.. But he keeps doing it anyway 🙁

[debc]

Hi Sk21,

Welcome to the Forum, it’s a great place to share your story, and you will find many other people in the same situation. Read through some of the other threads on here, there are so many people going through it, which is very sad.

I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), he is doing well at the moment, but it has taken a lot to get to where he is now, and he has only got here by admitting he has a problem and needed help. Until they realise they need help and want to get back their life, you are banging your head against a brick wall.

As you know taking drugs is not a cheap hobby, and money becomes the b all and end all, this is what I experienced with my Son.

Please don’t think your awful for sharing your story, I hope you feel better for sharing, I know I did.

Please take care of yourself and think about what you want more, because I’m afraid to say that most of the time they only think of themselves.

The Icarus Trust is another place that you might find helpful.

Take care

Dx

[sk21]

Hi Debc,

Thank you so much for your kind and true words, and for taking the time to share your story too, and very happy to hear that your son is doing well!

I actually did read some of the stories before plucking up the courage to share mine and it was shocking how these stories mirror your own feelings and thoughts, goes to show we are not alone in this battle.

You are 100% spot on, It’s really not cheap! in the last 2 weeks my husband has gone on 2 binges, the 2nd one from yesterday where he didn’t return from work, and is still not back home (and as usual won’t answer my calls) and in total spent over £1000 in 2 weeks. It’s sickening to think that’s how much has been blown on drugs, when it could have gone towards a deposit for a car or house, anything else but drugs!

Overall I feel a little better for being able to say how I feel, writing it out forces me to deal with my feelings, which will be a good thing in the end.

Thank you, I did try them earlier but their webpage wouldn’t submit my email, I will try again though.

Thank you so much again and keep well X

[jaynhissay]

Hi Sk21 I am taken back 10-15 years when I read your story and hear that your partner is behaving in the way he is. I am someone who has been the person who is leaving his partner at home and not coming home after work because I’m out spending all my wages and more on an addiction. Back then it was powder cocaine and alcohol and I hate to say this but I think you have to concentrate on you and your future. I know that it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not emotionally involved in a situation but I used to lie and manipulate my way back into my partners good books saying anything that would help but the reality was she was an inconvenience to my using. Then I lost her because she’d had enough of it all and although it didn’t stop me using at the time it did ensure that her life wasn’t going to be wasted watching me destroy myself. I obviously don’t know the extent of your partner’s using but please don’t suffer and torture yourself. I really do wish you all the very best

[sk21]

Hey Jaynhissay,

Thank you for your kind words and for bravely sharing your story.

I completely understand the kind advice and I know deep down I should do exactly that, but I am racked with guilt every time I think to leave and keep thinking what if something happens to him when I’m not there, perhaps because sadly a close relative of mine died died last year of a drug overdose.

He goes on these binges once or twice a month, but to me it feels like an eternity, he’s going out enjoying himself and blowing money whilst I can’t eat, sleep or think.. It’s very selfish behavior, but I also know it’s because he has deep rooted issues that he is not dealing with and I’m not sure either of us knows how to help him. He is speaking to someone, or so he says, but clearly it’s not helping.

I don’t know what else to suggest to him aside from a separation, at least until he finds his way again. Our toxic relationship does no favours for him and regardless of what he says, I always feel like it’s my fault he does this.

Perhaps I will have the courage to take that step and have that conversation with him after reading these posts and kind words.

Thank you again and I hope you are doing well now x

[jaynhissay]

Thanks Sk21 I am doing a bit better at the moment but I’m very aware of the way my addiction can be the most cunning of things and will creep up on me.

I’m going to be completely honest with you now and I hope it doesn’t upset you or have a negative impact on you because that’s not my intention. I personally think that if you were to leave your partner and separate then I can imagine that his using will get worse initially because he won’t have to answer to anyone or justify his behaviour. That said obviously the hope would be that he is given a kick up the ass by your decision to leave and is the motivation he needs to get some professional help. I know this can’t be easy for you at all and thinking about his situation getting worse with you not there must be an awful amount of pressure but you have to think about yourself in all this. His using is neither your fault or responsibility and if he’s not willing to be making steps to get clean now then I would be very surprised if his using doesn’t increase anyway but with you in the mix of it all. I’m sorry if this is a bit of a negative response to be reading I can only give my experiences and opinions. X

[sadwife]

Stay strong I feel the same way but we can’t love no one till we love ourselves

[sadwife]

I know it easier said then done .because I can’t leave either I do but I keep coming back how much can we take though. We dont deserve this .

[poppy23]

I have the same thought and feelings around my partner who has the same issues. It so hard to trust them when they continue to lie and not be honest. I feel the same in that I love him so much that I don’t want to leave but ultimately it’s killing our relationship

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m glad you’ve found this forum as there are some lovely supportive people on here to share your story with. I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s drug habit is having an effect on your mental health and really glad that you have reached out. You shouldn’t feel bad about writing as it is also about how it affects you.

I am so sorry that you have had trouble getting through to us at The Icarus Trust. Please try again using the address below and someone will get back to you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[Author]

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