[messedup]

Reaching out for help as I’m feeling like such a mess right now.

My partner of 1 year has a drinking problem. Bit of background info.. he’s high functioning, he maybe drinks 4/5 days out of 7. At least twice a week to the point he passes out. I’ve tried to address it, I gave him an ultimatum of me or wine about a month ago. He reduced his drinking to one night a week as he didn’t want to lose me. But, its creeping back up again. He’s a happy drunk, never abusive, but I don’t like how he changes and doesn’t feel like an authentic relationship when he’s drunk. I’ve done so much reading, self help. Went to a couple of Al anon meetings, read condependant no more. I’ve heard everything and should know the right things to do

After another evening of talking on the phone last night thinking we were having a loving open conversation I realised towards the end of the call he was drunk. I’m devastated and hurt and feel tricked. I’m so down.

I stupidly decided to let him know how it feels, I took a diazepam earlier then started drinking. His ex wife was an alcoholic and he hated it. I want him to know how it feels. I know I’m being ridiculous and self harming by drinking. Has anyone ever tried to let an alcoholic get a taste of their own medicine? Does it work? I guess I want him to worry like I worry about him, to feel what I feel. We haven’t spoken much today and maybe I’m trying a cry for help?

I just feel so messed up and alone right now

[paul0572]

Hiya ,

You will never be able to control his addiction . Trust me , I’ve been trying to control my partner/ex partners addiction for 2 years and I learned the hard way that no matter what you do or what you say , the grip of addiction changes them and you need to come accept you are no longer number one in his life .

You now have a 3rd person in this relationship and he will chose his addiction over you and over himsekf every single time .

This does not mean he doesn’t love you or he doesn’t want to stop , but in the grip of addiction there is a little devil on there shoulder telling them why they should have a drink , how it will make things better , how it’s not a problem . Addiction is a Brian disease so please don’t hold it against him .

My advice to you is to look after yourself , mentally and physically . Otherwise you will be come addicted to his addiction . Like I did , and it broke me and made me very ill and I still am . He is no longer the same person , so you are about to be tested to your very limit . Stick some clear boundaries down and you must be prepared to stick by them . This is for your own sanity .

Keep posting and asking for help as this forum is amazing , as we’ve all been there and walked the walk you are about to take , we all think , no our loved ones won’t end up that bad , but addiction is addiction and with out professional treatment it always gets worse …

Take a look at YouTube and search for Dr Gabon Mate , educate your self what addiction is . He’s not trying to hurt you he’s trying to survive and deal with some kind of emotional trauma.

Take care and people are always here for you …..

[messedup]

Hi Paul

Thanks for taking the time to reply last night, I wasn’t in a good way. Making silly choices myself!

Drink being the 3rd person in my relationship.. that hit home so much and think its what upsets me the most, we have such a beautiful relationship when he’s not drinking and I don’t want to feel like second best.

We don’t live together, no kids together and I think I know in my heart I should run to protect my sanity. But it’s so hard when the relationship is perfect in every other way, I’ve never felt so much love with someone and like I’ve met my ‘one’ Saddest thing in the world is for something like drink to be the thing that will ruin it.

Thanks again for reaching out, I have a lot of thinking to do

[carolann]

Hi lovely…you are literally living my life! Just found this forum and so grateful l did. Like you, am in the best relationship of my life, apart from the binge drinking to almost oblivion that my partner is doing…and refusing to even acknowledge as being an issue….cant offer advice per say as reading the replies to yours as our situations are virtually parallel….I don’t feel quite so alone tho, stay strong xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read of the difficult situation you are in because of your partner’s drinking. If you would like some help please contact us at Icarus Trust. we are a charity that offers help to people like you who are dealing with a partner’s addiction. We know this is difficult. Our Family Friends are very experienced and well trained and one of them would talk with you if you get in touch. Maybe that would help you to know what to do next.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Keep safe and all the best to you.

[carolann]

Can l ask you please…does your partner know how badly this is affecting you? Mine can see but still reverts to type…hes also high functioning like yours…but mine won’t acknowledge that drinking is an issue….me not listening now seems to be the issue…like you, I don’t want to end the relationship as on so so many levels it’s great but can we carry on like this? I’m certainly not sure myself

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