[paul0572]

Hiya everyone ,

I’m feeling really low at the moment I’m writing this .

Basically my ex fiance got addicted to coke 2 years ago and I’ve been in this world wind of trying to stop her and trying to help her ever since , I’ve been emotional and physical abused by her , we all know the lies and manipulation that come with it .

Managed to get her into rehab and I think she went because there was no other way out as all her family know about it now and she didn’t have anywhere to run to .

I still love her but she holds all the power and one week she wants me the next week she doesn’t .

She’s been in rehab now for 2 weeks , she has 1 week left . She’s told me that our relationship turned her to coke and it’s partly my fault and she wants nothing to do with me anymore .

I can’t understand how all I’ve done is been there for her to help and support her for the last 10 years we have spent together . But now Im the bad guy .

Does addiction change people when they recover as she hasn’t had any now for 2 weeks and she’s still horrible with me but she’s fine with the rest of her family …when in reality her family have never been there for her and I was once everything to her .

I just can’t get my head around it . She has mental health issues and bpd before taking coke every other day for 2 years . So is this just who she is now and do I just need to relaize she hates me now ?

Thanks for reading and hope eveyone is feeling ok

[redfox20]

Hey Paul, sorry to hear your not feeling to good. It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it of emotions, anger, Hope, despair, sadness it’s never ending! It’s important you take yourself of the ride and concentrate on you! What’s meant to be will be, I don’t know how she truly feels some people if they are in bad relationships that they put up with in addition tend to leave once they see more clearly and are sober. But sounds like she’s not mentally in a good place and there is probably a lot going on in her mind that she doesn’t know how to cope with or deal with it right now and she’s withdrawing so mentally that will affect her. I’d give yourself some space step back and you recover from all the heartache this has caused you. Addiction is something someone of a normal mind will never wrap their head around we can only research as much as we can but every addict is an individual with different problems reasons as to why they use and it’s up to them to figure this out and sort their own lives out not ours! Take care of yourself x

[mariaf]

HI Paul, very sorry to hear your feeling low. I have gone through a terrible few weeks aswell, same as yourself on the receiving end of a relationship breakdown and not knowing where to turn feeling like its all my fault. What I have gathered over the last few weeks from both this forum and from talking to friends and family is that we cannot blame ourselves for our ex partners addiction. Like yourself I stood by my boyfriend for months hoping things would start to go down the right road. His family knew the ordeal I was going through but refused to help me and were full of nothing but empty promises. His cocaine use spiraled out of control I was being blamed for everything and I felt like he hated me but the problem was I was coming between him and his addiction as in trying to encourage him to stop and he couldn’t bear to think I was so therefore he made out I was the crazy one with control issues etc and that he hadnt drink or drug use issues. You hear that ‘drugs change people beyond recognition’ and ponder the idea but it’s only in recent weeks my family agree that they no longer knew my ex boyfriend of 8 years, in the last 6 months he changed so much yet remained so convincing. My thinking on it all is, is that they don’t hate us, in fact they probably still have feelings/care for us but the drugs take priority and the hurt they cause doesn’t come into it as selfishness to get the drug and use takes over. Those they hurt on the road to getting it makes no odds to them. Its always easy for them to shift the blame especially on to loved ones. They don’t take any accountability for thier actions but you have to remember we are not the ones placing the drug infront of them telling them to use, it’s their decision. Looking back I put my own health on the line trying to save my boyfriend yet at the time I was just about coping and focused on the idea of tomorrow is a new day and all along held out hope that tomorrow would be the day he would realise he needed to quit for good. Its so so hard to accept that no matter what anyone does or says makes no difference to an addict. They are only going to change if they really want to themselves. And this is something that’s so difficult especially when you would go to the moon and back for them to help them but yet this is out of your control. All I can say is continue to reach out speak to people, don’t hold your thoughts to yourself. I found it easier to talk about it even though it hurt me so much. Keep busy, keep your head up and your partners healing and recovery is on her, you have done your best and can do no more. Take care and look after yourself

[icarus-trust]

Hi Paul,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. If you would like some support for yourself please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support top people dealing with addiction in their family. If you get in touch one of our family friends, our trained and very experienced people will get in touch with you. Maybe speaking with one of them will help to answer your questions and help you find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck!

[Author]

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