[joemily]

Hi I found out a couple of months ago that my boyfriend is a cocaine addict. Since then life has been such a rollercoaster and at the moment things are bad. He relapsed again on Saturday night and left me stranded with no way to get home and no keys. I’m really struggling to support him and don’t have anyone I can talk to because I don’t want my friends or family to know he relapsed again. I’ve tried to find meetings near me so I can speak face to face with other people but can’t find any. Any help or support would be really appreciated, thanks

[danman83]

Hiya.. hope your ok.. does your bf want to quit? And hes obviously lapsed going out if hes left you stranded.. and.. alcohol is the main trigger to get coke. So if he is serious about quitting. He really cant drink anymore. Not even 1!

How much is he having and how often?

[joemily]

Sorry have just replied but replied to my post so don’t know if you’ll get the notification

[joemily]

Hi, I’m struggling tbh. Thanks for the reply. He said he does want to quit and he hates himself and he’s so ashamed. if I’m honest I don’t know how much he does and I don’t really understand it in terms of how much people do etc.. he does it on his own as far as I know. He told me yesterday that alcohol helps to stop the urge to do coke so are you saying that’s not the case? He doesn’t drink that much but he will have one or two beers a few nights a week which tbh I’d rather he didn’t because I feel it’s all linked. It’s so difficult for me to set boundaries etc because I don’t know what I should be doing and what he shouldn’t be doing! (Other than coke of course..) he’s going to CA and now has a sponsor which I think is positive?

[joemily]

Also he wasn’t out, he was at home alone and was on his way to pick me up then didn’t turn up and went completely off radar until 10am the next day…

[danman83]

Well he must be the only person who has alcohol and not want coke. Its the main trigger for it trust me! Why do you think everyone is having it in pubs and clubs and bbqs and partys.

So where did he go?

Right if you want him to quit and he does.. and he really needs to want to..

He needs not to drink. Delete every dealer or mate who has coke. Not go to pubs or clubs as its rife everywere now.

My gf is taking my phone off me friday and saturdays now. Car keys off me.

Ask him how many bags is he having a week? And how much is he spending. Its 30 to 40 quid roughly for a bag. Unless hes buying big amounts.

Yes the meeting are perfect.. and a sponsor is great.. but something has triggered his lapse.

Have you asked him why he got it?

What else is he doing to stop?

[joemily]

Well this is the thing he could be lying to me couldn’t he. He has a ‘mate’ who is a dealer and he goes to see him, i’m not sure if he stays at his or just sleeps in his van overnight after doing it.. he blocked a lot of people on Sunday who either do it or deal it. I don’t know what made him lapse and he said he doesn’t know either he just still wants to do it and can’t stop himself. Things have been hard recently because I’ve had something horrible going on so he’s had to be the strong one and honestly I wonder if that was the trigger. He never goes out or sees anyone, it’s only ever when he wants to do it he goes and sees that dealer. Maybe I should do the same, he was supposed to pick me up. It’s difficult because I can’t be around him all the time and realistically he could do it anytime. What else can he do? I suggested counselling along with the meetings etc but I don’t know if that helps. The only person he has for support is me, his parents will turn their backs completely if they find out he’s used again so it’s a lot of pressure on me and I don’t know if I’m doing the right things!

[danman83]

Tbh his parents shouldnt do that i wouldnt if it was my son. And its not like hes on heroin robbing off them, or other people.

Its a disease at the end of the day. Theres a woman on you tube you both need to watch her.. shes treated loads of cocaine and crack users.and knows alot about it.

Shes called louise clarke,crack cocaine part 1 2 3. Honestly have a watch. Does your bf go really depressed and suicidal from it?

Do you know about endorphins in the brain?

He probably knows how to stop.. and he sounds a lot like me, doesnt really go out and that. Im lapsing rougly once a month and im doing my best to quit. Tell him do a weekly plan, of day to day things hes not done before, like hobbies or reading or the gym, decorate.. anything set him self some goals.

If for example hes lapsing on the 3rd week.. keep an eye on him half way through week 2. And take his phone off him or something..

I know its hard as you dont know much about it. Sit him down. Tell him your there to help. But you cant help if you dont know the truth. Ask how much and when hes useing.. when? And why?..

It is hard, but if hes getting past when he normally lapses. Its a start.

[joemily]

I know but they don’t understand and he’s put them through so much over the years that I think they just have had enough. I will tell him to watch her thank you. I think he does get suicidal thoughts yes when he’s on a come down especially and he struggles with his mental health anyway which doesn’t help of course because I think for so long he’s used it to help him with that which does just have the opposite effect. Do you tell your girlfriend when you want to do it or when you have etc? Because the problem is he doesn’t tell me anything because he’s so ashamed and he does it behind my back and at one point was doing it constantly when I was there and I just didn’t know which was really hard. I also feel like I always back down from confrontation etc because I don’t know what I’m talking about and I just feel helpless really!

[danman83]

Well watch that video and you will know what your talking about. I tell her when im coming down as i feel ashamed what ive done.

It really is horrible stuff and i cant stand it. Theres only one positive about it.. that it makes you feel good for 20 mins.

I can list a 100 negatives. But its this positive thats seems to overule.

Just tell him your there for him.. but you cant help him if hes not honest. Have u got kids?

[joemily]

I will do thank you. I will try and speak with him more, he gets so defensive about it so it’s really difficult. Also his sponsor has told him that he has to go to meetings five nights a week, and text him at certain points everyday and if he doesn’t do it three times then he’s out of the group, is that normal do you know? No we don’t have children which at this point is a relief! Sorry I tried to reply earlier but it wouldn’t let me

[danman83]

No…but that sounds extreme.. he doesnt have to go 5 nights. Or hes out.. some just do 1 meeting . He might need a new sponsor.

[joemily]

Yeah I thought that sounded like a lot but I wasn’t sure.. I’m going to get him to speak to some others and see what experiences they’ve had. Thank you for sharing your experiences and chatting things through, I appreciate it x

[danman83]

No worrys. Always here if u need out x

[georgia26]

Hey

I was in your position, its the worst thing ever.. youre not alone and i do feel for you.

How long have you been together?

Until he admits his problems to everyone who cares about him and seeks proper support from the doctor, the cycle will continue. He will relapse, do drugs, promise he will change/have mental health problems/cry and then relapse, this happened to me for months and months. My bf was self medicating his anxiety after a horrendous divorce.

I wont go into it too much, but you really sound so naive about the situation – drinking is a trigger, its all linked. It doesnt matter how much he is doing, if hes doing 1 gram or 5 grams, hes an addict.

He will REALLY want to stop and he will be ashamed, but the urge and the addiction will be too much. It took me months and months to understand and thank god i found this group as it helped me so much.

Sounds bad, but he will need to hit rock bottom, something needs to happen to make him realise, him hiding it from you and his family isnt good..

I wish i had some positive advice for you, but until he admits his addiction to you this will continue.. he needs to really really want it, addiction is a disease and its so hard for someone to understand that isnt an addict. I used to get so frustrated and used to shout and scream at his but that will only make it worse and will give him an excuse to use.

what you must understand is that addiction cant just be cured overnight, its a hard battle and it tears relationships apart, its heartbreaking.. but ultimatums etc, he will choose the cocaine.

You need to ensure youre protecting yourself – keep yourself mentally strong and dont let this take over your life.

my partner hasnt relapsed in 6 months.. he does addiction counselling, once a week, its £60 but its brilliant – it isnt a magical cure though, the person needs to WANT to give up.. or it will not work.

he needs to go to the doctor and beg for help, but obviously if you arent even speaking about it then its a long road ahead, and what you need to this is, is this worth it? as it will just continue, and its mentally draining.. it made me ill but we have ties so i couldnt just leave. xx

[joemily]

Hi

Thank you for your message.

We have been together about a year, live together and have pets together so I do have ties.

He has admitted that he has a problem and he wants to get help, he just feels too ashamed to tell me when he wants to do it I think is the main problem… he has said the actual words I am an addict and I know he wants to stop.

I am very naive about it all, I’ve never really had experience of this so it’s all new and difficult to me. I spoke to a professional yesterday and she helped a bit.

He has hit rock bottom and on Sunday I sat him down and gave him the facts, I basically said either he engages with CA and whatever else it takes and speaks honestly with me about it all or I am going to have to leave for my own good and if I do I will be taking the pets as well and I think that really hit him hard.

I know he can’t just cure himself instantly but my ultimatum was more that he has to do whatever it takes and work with it all and if he does want to use or relapses then he needs to tell me about it and not just shut himself off.

I know I need help and support and that’s where this group is good I think because I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it all of the time.

He is going to make a doctors appointment and I will probably go with him if I can and we can discuss all options that will work alongside CA.

Thank you for your help I appreciate it xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Joemily,

Sorry to read your post and sorry to read that you are struggling with your boyfriend’s coke habit, without people around you to help.

I’m glad you’re talking to Danman – he’s really supportive and has good advice for your boyfriend, but if you want any more help for yourself, please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity supporting people like yourself dealing with a family member’s addiction. We have trained people you could talk with that might help you.They would understand what you are dealing with and could also put you in touch with other help that is available.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps.

[Author]

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