[tottig]

Hi everyone..always a sad relief when you find a support chat room with others whom are going through similar things…I’ve been with my partner for 6 years..about 2 years into the commitment I had discovered he was a heavy heavy cocaine user and his choice of method use is by needle.

I have gone through many many ups and downs of this disease and how to understand it and how to be of support..he goes from begging and pleading he doesn’t want to be that man to not giving a shit and gets high..this is usually every 3 weeks for days on end. It effects our home tremendously..everything from having to send my daughter away, to sleep being disruptive cuz he seems to go into a very scary unpredictable mentality incapable person..destroying walls doors and rummaging thru belongings looking for things that typically don’t exist..one time he even kicked in the bedroom door at 5 am while I was asleep all because I wasn’t available to answer his question he had?

He goes days staying in the master bedroom which I am going on almost 3 months of not using that room as my bedroom for anything..I don’t even go upstairs due to the condition it is in. I have called the police I have tried to leave..and I should mention he makes it impossible for me to earn money and to hold a job. I literally have done everything within power to keep myself safe and my daughter and dogs too..he does random things like leaving gas burner on or doors wide open for the dogs to get loose, running the tub for 2 hours straight and yells how there isn’t any hot water. I’m literally at my whits end and have Been for months. I have begun a plan of action that doesn’t require making thing more hectic and full of chaos…I’m just running out of patience..I truly envy the ones who are going through the same battle as I but have the “luxury” (and I don’t mean that to be insulting) of having their partner out running the streets during there binge..I’m feeling like this disease as defeated me as a person when I have never had an addiction in my life. I can’t go to a shelter as most are full and require for u to lose everything including ur pets to be free..I’m disgusted and disappointed in this country that there are no better and more appealing ways for victims to get away safely without having to lose the things they love..why should we be the ones who suffer even more after the trauma we are put through at times when our partners are the ones with the disease!? It makes me sad..after almost 7 years I went from devastation to heart break to false hope to just numb to my thoughts and feelings..focused on my plan to get as much money as possible to be able to break free. And sadly it’s my only way and I should mention I can only leave on a day he goes to work while clean so that it hits him that I was able to survive without him..I’m not trying to be spiteful just safe and when that day comes I truly hope it affects him in a way to get the help he needs and does deserve but I hope he realizes that he won’t be able to have me in his life ever again. I don’t trust myself enough to believe that he will change and stay that way. I’m too damaged by his choices that have severely effected me just being able to live in a safe place and call it home and also to Be able to financially support myself and my daughter and dogs.

When he’s clean he’s pretty amazing. He’s caring thoughtful etc but lacks any kind of respect for others and the need to grow. I can’t change him but wow how I have changed! Any advice tips or even just to reach out Is greatly appreciated..I’m so thankful these chats exist has during this pandemic and even in the normal..this is at times a great relief to have available.

Hope u all are getting thru safely and remain hopeful for better days ❤️

[kel1]

Hey TottiG,

I’ve read your story, and didn’t want to read and go. First off, I’d like to acknowledge just how brave you are to share with us on here and I hope you get the support you need. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it’s been for you, it sounds like hell – and I’ve been through my own kind of hell with my now ex partner and that drug!

I do understand what you mean about losing everything, as I think I’d feel the same way. I think you have to weigh up what’s going to keep you sane and safe in the end. Can you change the locks when he is out, and get an injunction? Is the house in both names? Even so, it sounds as though he is abusive so that doesn’t even matter! Living life that way must be as though you’re walking on eggshells!

Luckily enough mine ran off when I asked him to leave and is horrible to me/us from a far. I remember those days when I’d get the anger, mood swings, blame, accusations, the stares and all the rest of it – it was as though he hated me! Made me feel confused and intimidating, so I can’t for one second consider how you must be doing, especially with the lockdown situation!

Have you told family and friends? I told everyone in the end, after hiding it for so long. I felt so alone prior to that. I kept believing all the lies that he’d change, but each day was the same. It’s heartbreaking! It’s been six months for me and he is still the same walking about blaming me etc. He is selfish/ they are selfish and so in the end I think it makes us internalise the situation! I’m definitely traumatized over it all and I think I always will be. My story is on here somewhere.

Take care. I’m here if you need to talk.

[tottig]

Ty for your thoughtful words and it’s so encouraging for me to know you made it!!

Yes family knows, friends know..all very much there for when I’m ready to take action.

As far as my plan I’m still very confident. Things have taken a turn for the worse but In a strange way for the better. I have become cold and pretty mean to him and explained why (not that it makes it ok and I hate who I am at this time due to this) but it’s really a relief to know this is it. I’m done. Truly done. I’m being stern. I’m being honest and ready to leave or for him to leave at any second and it would truly be a blessing.

I recall the says where I thought I’d die if I lost him

He still is so self absorbed. Still doesn’t understand why I am so hateful towards him etc etc

And I truly don’t care to keep explaining. I am now putting energy into me remaining strong and mentally happy as everyone deserves that.

The pity train literally has left this building. I no longer can take his mental illness issues on nor his drug addiction and truly I feel that’s his only problem with me wanting it to be over..cuz he won’t have me to pick up his mess of all that comes with this crazy crippling nightmare.

I’m so glad I found this! It’s a relief during this pandemic ❤️

[kel1]

Ah you sound like you’ve taken as much as you can, and you definitely deserve better than this. I think in the end it gets to the point where you have to shift your focus on to yourself otherwise you end up losing you in all this. And let’s face it the behaviours that come along with addiction is just so erratic and unhealthy. I just noticed I got so stressed my mental health took a nose dive. We ain’t rehabilitation centers for these people! He, like my ex partner needs professor help, but that’s if they truly want it. Sadly, we wasn’t his rock bottom – he just left when I asked him too and doesn’t even bother with his children. Obviously, the drug lifestyle and addiction is too much of a strong hold. I’m sick of thinking about his recovery when mine and my kids are as important.

Keep talking and be kind to yourself

[icarus-trust]

Hi TottiG,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and how your partner’s addiction affects you. I’m really glad you’ve found this site and can talk with others sharing your experience.

If you would like some more support maybe you would like to contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people going through what you are, because of the addiction of a family member or friend.

We have very experienced trained, people that we call family Friends. If you contact us one of them would get in touch with you and listen to you and may be help you to keep strong and see a way through the nightmare.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck and take care.

[Author]

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