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My brother is addicted to cocaine, he was staying with my 80yr old mother and she has kept him for 8 years, He gave her no money and she bought all of his food and some other bits as well, he stole from her as well. She lives in sheltered and he wasn’t meant to be there and she lived in fear of being caught to the point it made her ill.
last week she recieved a letter to say they know he resides with her and also he has been borrowing money from the elderly residents on the estate, she was mortified and she was terrified as well, so I kicked him out, seeing her like that was heartbreaking.
she seems worse now and hasn’t stopped crying, she feels guilty and is worried about him, I’m torn wether I made the right decision, she was already depressed over the situation but she never answered the door as she was terrified about the living situation and getting found out.
he is living in a car, not his. and is phoning saying he is hungry and has no money ( he was paid a week ago) and is pushing guilt onto her now and it’s making the situation worse. she hasn’t answered the phone but is leaving messages.
I honestly just acted at the time, I’ve wanted him out for a while but my mum always stopped me, it’s her youngest and I know its a form of grief for her.
He wouldn’t admit he had a problem so I didn’t know know what else to do but I felt I had to protect her.
sorry for the rambling just not sure if I’ve done the right thing
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First of all I’m so sorry for you and your lovely mum,I can say I fully relate to your situation.
I understand that guiltridden feeling and know how painful it is,I’m going through something so similar to you with my 32 year old son.
It’s been an ongoing situation with him since he was a teenager, skunk being the start of it all,he is now taking all sorts,I had to tell him to go last week as I am in a similar situation as your mum,he is not meant to be with me in my one bed flat,I am on benefits and could make things very hard for me and felt in constant panic about the situation.
He was meant to be looking for a job and a place to live ,but being addicted to drugs he has no real drive.
I also am feeling so guilty about telling him to go,but it got to much the police picked him up a few weeks ago in a car that was not his and he had lots of drugs on him,he has to go to court in September, I feel I should be supporting and helping him which I was determined to do but he started smoking skunk in my flat at night time when he thought I was sleeping,I hate the smell so much and it feels like it stays in the furniture and carpet,I lost it and said I’ve had enough you got to go,but all I do is worry about him
I cry every day and feel so sad that I can’t have a normal relationship with my son.
I honestly feel for you,I expect lots of people are going through similar situations.
I just wanted to reply to your thread as it sounded so like mine ..I feel your heart ache. X
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I’m so sorry you feel this way but you’ve done the right thing. Your poor mum is too old to be dealing with this and can’t be evicted at her age, it would be awful. As a mum in her late 50s with a 35 year old son addicted to alcohol and any drug( cocaine, crack, ketamine, mdna) which has now caused psychosis, I’m having to kick him out after his last crisis appt tomorrow as he’s mentally and emotionally killing me. I would love to have someone do it for me but unfortunately his brother doesn’t want to know him. It’s so hard being the mum as you love them and want to protect them, I really feel for her. Try and make her understand he’s an adult who she can’t control, she just be there to listen when he moans about his problems he caused. Like lack of food. Mines exactly the same. Wish I had more hope for you and your mum but I haven’t. It’s an awful situation. Take care.
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Hi Tally2
Your situation is the same as mine. 29 year old son addicted to crack and ket and also smokes weed. My lovely son is gone and its just a monster that intimidates and bullies me day in day out. I have thrown him out so many times and the abusive phone calls I receive are so nasty. He tells me the next time I see him I will be identifying his body but I have come to realise that I don’t even seem to care any more. He will stroll out on the dual carriageway and simply stand there like the lunatic that he is or stab himself in the face and body with anything sharp. I am now going to try and sell my house from under him and just leave.
I have no idea what to do any more and I wish it would all just go away
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If he’s putting other people within the shared accommodation at risk (through financial abuse), even without the risk to your mum, then you absolutely did the right thing.
With the additional risk to your mum, there is nothing else you could’ve done. You said your mum was terrified of being “found out” – found out? Was she trying to hide the extent of his addiction so people wouldn’t know and judge/shame her? Doing that will continue to fuel his addiction.
I’m sorry this is falling onto you, but please please keep in mind you are not responsible for causing this pain. The addiction is. I’m really sorry you’ve been made to feel so guilty when all you are trying to do is protect who you love. You are not in the wrong at all.
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Don’t feel guilty about doing the right thing. I’m a mum with an adult addict alcoholic son. It’s hell. We pray often some one will step in and take the burden from us because it’s so hard for a parent especially if we are ill, infirm, older…
Your brother is beyond having feelings for anyone now but himself, the drugs have numbed him out. Sadly it will take a major impact in his life for him to realise and hopefully change – or not. That’s his choice and no one has to live his lifestyle with him.
He’s endangered your poor mum and everyone in the family by his actions and he actually feels nothing towards caring by the sounds of it.
You have done an amazing thing. Get the right support for you and your mum.
He won’t starve, he won’t kill himself, although his lifestyle may ultimately do so. My son threatens all those things over and over if he doesn’t get what he wants, then he pleads, then he turns violent, etc etc. They play mind games because they know we care. It’s psychological torture.
Im starting to learn and I’m now walking away each time this happens because it will keep happening and it’s his life to manage and stop the cycle.
Cocaine robs a person of feelings. It is a demanding thing that causes extreme desire for more cocaine and nothing more.
Keep knowing you did the right thing and for your mom too. It’s hard to lose a child but living hell is not acceptable either and he was lost from the time he became addicted. He needs help yes, it’s an evil disease. But he has to chose that help and from the experts.
Youve done all you can. ????
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