[kayare]

16 years ago I met my husband. I fell pregnant really quickly and so we stuck it out, had a baby and got married. He used to drink, but we were young and liked to party, and I hoped he’d grow out of it. 6 years later I had another child, which seemed to trigger some depression in him. He said felt neglected and had an affair. He also started drinking a lot more. I took him back and now 10 years later, the struggle is beyond anything I’d could ever have imagined. A few years ago he was admitted to hospital with severe acute necrotising pancreatitis. Somehow he survived after months in and out of hospital. He tried to stop drinking but within a few days he’d always start again. He is now type 1 diabetic and needs enzymes to digest his food. Yet the drinking is even worse. He can no longer stand without falling and shakes drunk or sober. He constantly injures himself. I have to help him walk. He refuses to eat most of the time, and is losing control of his bodily functions slowly but surely. He can’t hold a conversation, and sleeps most the time.He struggles to hold down a job although at least when he works it keeps a bit of control. So covid has been a disaster with him being home for months. He won’t take his insulin or medication unless I do it for him. The last time he went without alcohol for a day, he had a seizure in bed, which I woke up to. That was 3 years ago. He drinks very strong cider and beer, at least 8 cans a day, often more. He can’t hold more than one or two before he is wasted. He went from a good size man to so skinny, like a dottering old man. He’s not even 40. I feel so much anxiety. I feel trapped. I feel depressed. I feel hopeless. I feel so damn angry!! And I’m just so so scared. I know he’s killing himself. I feel like it won’t be long if this carries on. His kidneys aren’t good. His sugar levels are all over the place. I fear I’m enabling him by not being stronger but he manipulates me all the time. The sweet loving man I remember is rarely there anymore, but each time I see him as he used to be, I forgive and feel hopeful. I would leave, but what will become of him? I am all he has. I’m desperate and don’t know where to turn. There’s little support in my life. People see it as I chose this life so I’m to blame.. I feel like I’m about to go through a devastating loss, and alternatively that I’m wasting my life. Sometimes I feel like there’s no future and there’s no point to it all. Thank God for my kids, as they bring me out of the dark thoughts. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, but just to be able to put this out there is something I feel I need to do..

[debc]

Hi Kayare,

Welcome to the Forum.

I’m sure that just putting your thoughts down that you will feel better.

Your husband sounds very ill, and I can appreciate your worry and concern.

There are lots of people on the Forum in the same situation, read through some of the other stories, I found them to be really helpful.

Never feel that you are to blame, they choose their own paths I’m afraid.

The Icarus Trust is a place that you could get in touch with too.

Stay in touch on here, it’s a great place to get advice and help from.

Take care of you and your children.

Dx

[Author]

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