[charlie1234]

My mother is an alcoholic. This was awful in childhood, lots of instability and emotional abuse, but I’m now in my 30s and really feel I should know how to handle her by now. I’ve got my own life. I have very little contact with her because she’s so difficult to deal with and this is better for my mental health, but from time to time I see her, usually to visit my grandparents and it’s always horrible.

Today has been an especially bad. I’m visiting her out of town so I’m currently trapped (it’s midnight and I don’t drive so have no way to get home). I have been having some work issues and mentioned to her that I’d had a row with my partner. She perceives herself as a victim and likes to extend this to me, so her attitude to these problems is incredibly irritating and patronising. By this evening she was drunk. I excused myself to come to bed as frankly she was pissing me off and I didn’t want to argue, but she doesn’t respect that. She’s returned repeatedly to my bedroom to rant at me drunkenly. I asked her to stop and please let me sleep but she wouldn’t. She just kept ranting even though I was obviously getting upset and frustrated, just vomiting her drunken emotional bullshit all over me. In the end I started screaming back and said some awful things like I wish she was dead. I obviously don’t mean it, I just feel like she’s fraying me to breaking point. It just brought me back to my childhood. Trapped with this selfish drunken woman and having nowhere to go, until I moved out at 16.

I just don’t know what to do. She’s now pushing 70, she’s lonely, she has a very sweet side. I don’t want to cut her out completely or hurt her, but I can’t keep feeling like this and I don’t want to be pushed to screaming back at my elderly mother. I’m so upset. I just needed to share. I know a healthy relationship with an alcoholic is all but impossible but at the same time it’s so hard let her go, even when her behaviour causes such harm. I’m really lost and lonely – an only child so no siblings to share this with.

[bt1978]

Hey thanks for the post and sharing.

I really identified with what you said about your mum, mine is the same. I’m not sure about you but often I wonder who the parent is. A few years back I had to cut her out as she was particularly vile to my wife and children for no reason, I drew the line at any more children being impacted by her behaviours and sadly that has meant zero. Contact.

I’m not saying this is the only way, but for me it has to be as I have tried this before and and up getting sucked back in and it always ends up the same.

Also, as hard as it is, I feel I have a responsibility to end the cycle Of abuse and bullshit that has permeated through generation after generation in my family with no one doing anything about it aside from acting victim and abusing one another, I always said no matter how hard it got that is what I would hang on to and have done so far.

If you are going to keep in contact I guess sits very strict boundaries and making sure she doesn’t impact you mentally – I’m not going to lie, if she’s like mine then she likely will impact you it’s how you deal with it

[charlie1234]

I relate so much to what you have said. She blames her behaviour on her own horrible childhood and just doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions. It’s just so frustrating. Clearly this is personality rather than purely alcohol because she behaves the same way even when sober.

I don’t have children yet but I can’t imagine raising them around her – she can’t regulate her behaviour.

I know I need to safeguard my own mental health but it really is difficult. She carries on with this ‘woe is me, I know you hate me’ pantomime if I try to distance myself. She doesn’t see that her behaviour is unacceptable because she’s been living in chaos so long she just doesn’t recognise any of this as abnormal.

[bt1978]

Me too mate. Mine blamed a traumatic upbringing and in turn a used me and my sibling all our lives. She now forces us to a position n where she takes no responsibility for anything at all, just short of her being turned into the street is how much I do now and even that I regret.

At some point you have to stop and think about whether you are enabling or helping, it’s such a fine line. Also plenty of people have a shitty childhood and don’t inflict that on their children, me being one. It’s not an excuse. And as the old saying goes – victims don’t get sober

Keep sharing and posting here it always helps both sides

[Author]

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