[hannahlambert1408]

Hi guys, I’ve been reading posts and I’m so glad I have found this site and you guys! In all honesty I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do.

I’ll start from the beginning. We have been together 8 years now, we have two children together and he has two which are older and live with their mum.

When we first got together I found out he smoked weed, I soon came round to it and thought well nobody ever gets aggressive or anything on weed, loads of people do it. So I accepted it. Scroll forward a few years, I was pregnant with our first child, I had a horrendous pregnancy.

I thought it was just me being hormonal but I was sure he was being weird, not attentive. I sneaked a look at his messenger and he had been chatting up a girl. Eventually after arguments etc, we tried working through it. We went to London before all this and he had brought some cocaine for himself to try. I thought well once can’t harm…

We got pregnant again very soon after having our first, he still wasn’t very attentive, I felt like he didn’t want me and he found me repulsive, our sex life went down the drain, he just didn’t seem interested at all. Talk after talk he couldn’t see what my problem was! It was all my fault, I never try, I stopped doing this etc etc. By this point I had bad post natal depression. Scroll forward a bit more, I find out he’s dealing it now.

Between this time, he started doing it every Weekend. Now he has a £100 a day habit. My oldest is now 5 year old so he’s been doing it a while. I’ve asked him to stop and he always says he’s not addicted and doesn’t have a problem. We’ve had argument after argument about his behaviour towards me. I got brain damage from carbon monoxide poisoning and ended up with even worse anxiety. Had an anxiety attack and he just walked past me and carried on working, could t be bothered to support me. Sex life has gotten even worse than before. I’ve had a feeling for days something isn’t right, looked on him messenger and yet again he’s been messaging woman. He eventually admitted he had been messaging about 10 women, starting near Christmas; which makes sense because I may as well of done Christmas by myself. I feel so lonely all the time, more so when he’s there! I’ll admit when I found out he’s been messaging woman AGAIN, I hit him a few times, in all honesty he deserved it.

I’ve managed to get him to call someone to help and we are waiting on a call in a few days. I’m just so fed up and exhausted, I feel pulled down, betrayed, unloved, ugly, am I not good enough. He says he loves me but who treats someone like that, I feel like such a mug staying but at the same time I don’t know if I have the energy to help after all the pull downs and hurtful things he says. Do I even love him anymore! I don’t know… Are all addicts like this? Selfish to the core? Why the cheating? Nothing I do for him is enough or he’s so wrapped up in himself he doesn’t notice anything I do, half the time he’s doesn’t even know what I’ve said. He doesn’t go to bed till between 3-5am some days 6-7am!! So obviously he spends half the day in bed too. So my company for the day is two children and then a grumpy addict who doesn’t want to talk to me until he goes to work and then repeat. I don’t know what to do…

sorry for long rant ????‍♀️

[debc]

Hi Hannahlambert,

Welcome to the Forum, a great place to share your story and chat with people in similar situations.

I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine). They lie, steal, rack up huge debts and selfish to the core, I know my Son used to chat to endless girls after he had been using, he tells me now that he can’t even remember doing half the stuff when he was using.

I know the addiction is an illness, but it is so hard to live with, most of the time you feel that you are treading on egg shells in your own home. It’s not the way to live especially as you have two young children.

Do any of your family know how you live? It is always good to be able to share with someone close to you.

They have to want to stop and they are the only people that can decide this. There is on line zoom meetings for addiction.

The Icarus Trust are another place where you can talk to people who know exactly what you are going through, never think you are on your own.

Keep in touch on here, I find it really helps.

Take care.

Dx

[hannahlambert1408]

Hi debc,

Thanks for the reply, it’s just so comforting to hear someone else feeling the same way (in a very weird way).

He really wants help and to get off it so I suppose that’s the bonus here.

I’ve also realised I see it more now after reading stories on here, I understand it more, I realise it’s not me. He didn’t see a problem at the time when he’s messaging them (his words), they were in another country so he didn’t see the problem. He does now! Or he says he does, who knows with addicts, they are very good liars aren’t they.

I think they lye to themselves to make them feel better for their actions. I really want to stick around to see if my old fiancée who I loved with all my heart and who was such a caring person, comes back. The problem is is I’m not sure my mental health can cope anymore or I’m past the point of caring ????‍♀️.

I haven’t told my family because again I want to see how he goes. Certain people know that will help me, both have been through similar things, so I can draw off them. I don’t want my family seeing him as a bad person, he’s the father of my children and I need to respect this. He’s willing to try and I need to go with this. It’s just hard… x

[lou9976]

Hi, I can promise you, it is not you, your fault or because of anything you have done. He is an addict. He is the only one that can save himself. My husband has a cocaine addiction, uses about once a week, and it changes his personality completely, I also have two sons who are not aware. My husband has been in counselling for 2 years, but I am having conversations with him now about joining rehab of some sort. I totally relate to the feeling of exhaustion and hopelessness. I have been trying to distance myself from his habit, as it is his addiction not mine, it’s tough when his choices impact my life so much.

You must put yourself own mental health first. Could you maybe see a counsellor to help you? I did for a few months, I found it very hard to tell anyone about his addiction as I felt so ashamed.

Take care & remember you’re not alone x

[hannahlambert1408]

I think as women we are wired to care for everyone else in detriment to ourselves. Only when we are at our weakest do we then think of ourselves. I know this is me! I am currently seeking help (not because of this), from IAPT and I e seen them before and they are amazing. However when they phoned I had found out about the cheating and told them but didn’t say about the drugs, which now I can see is half of my problem with my mental health. The other half is the fact I have brain damage which can’t be changed. I’m hoping we can get into the couples counselling and for him to see how he’s been treating us for the past 5.5years. Every day I’m feeling stronger and more resilient about leaving him, if I need to I will. I have told him this and I’ll give him his dues he’s said he will help me every step of the way, even financially. He’s always been like that, would never see us go without anything. I think this is partly where it’s come from. Maybe, I don’t know.

This group has helped me no end! Just to know you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling and acting as being neurotic is clearly part of it, reading messages, sneaking looking at their phone. It’s mental! But we do it to keep ourselves sane. Anyways I’m just saying what’s coming in my head and babbling lol. Thank you for the support ????

[hannahlambert1408]

I 100% see why you haven’t told anyone because it does make you feel ashamed. I find it’s more sad knowing they aren’t the same person, you almost grieve for them or who they used to be. It’s exhausting not trusting too, how have you distanced yourself? Does he see this or is he happy thinking of himself? X

[lou9976]

Hi, sorry late reply!

We have recently sold our house and going to rent for a year. It’s a fresh start and free’d up the money that was in the house, which I will have control of. I’ve said that if he doesn’t go to rehab and does it in our new house he will have to move out. I can’t have it near my children any more. It really is up to him now & I have to stick to it!

[hannahlambert1408]

You do right, there’s only so much you can take or should put up with. I like how you’ve taken your life and moved it so you’re the one more I charge and on top so he’s the one that is disrupted if it goes wrong. You go girl!

[lou9976]

Well I’m trying!! Good days and bad days. It’s never easy. He is quite up for the idea of rehab. He did coke in the house last week. I think I’m becoming a bit numb to it all.. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad?!

I hope you are doing ok at the moment? Xx

[hannahlambert1408]

No I think being numb to it is very normal, I think it’s a coping mechanism for us as I do it too. Shut it out, it’s not happening, easier that way isn’t it.

I’m a bit like you ups and downs. Happy, sad, angry, betrayed etc etc all the joyful feelings ????

My partner is getting another call on Monday and he should be getting his drugs councillor, I feel like it’s taken forever. He wants to go cold turkey and thinks it’s going to be easy! ‘I’ll just sleep it off’ or around them words ???? yeah ok we’ll see!

I told him today that I feel like he’s got away with everything he’s done and he hasn’t had much back lash. I want him to hurt like I do but at the same time I know that would mean leaving him and I’m not ready to do that yet ????. Bloody idiots the lot of them!

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