[jess28]

Hi I’m new here, I am currently struggling with the effects of my partners cannabis addiction. I know it probably seems like nothing compared to a lot of other stories on here, but I need to share this somewhere before I go insane. In principle I don’t mind the addiction, I know that he legitimately struggles to sleep without it, and that his depression gets a lot worse without it as well. I do occasionally smoke weed myself, and I know that it is a drug that can actually be used sensibly and doesn’t have to mess up your life, but I feel like he has gone past this. I want to be able to support him, and I know that he honestly could be a lot worse than he is. Currently he smokes 3 or 4 bongs every evening, sometimes more. We have children and he works all day, I have a great amount of respect for my partner being able to stay away from weed during the day so as not to let it overtake his work and parental duties. But what this is left with is that he needs to be high for the entirety of the evening that’s left after the kids go to sleep. Basically this means that the only time we have alone together he is distant and switched off from me. I am really struggling with how this is affecting our sex life. When he’s run out of weed, we have a lot of great sex, but when he’s high we barely have any, and what we do have is just kinda going through the motions basically because he feels guilty I think. I have tried speaking to him about it and he agrees it’s a problem but hasn’t made any changes. Basically I just feel as though he’s only interested in me when he doesn’t have any weed, and as soon as he gets more I am second best. Although he would never admit it, I know he would always choose a bong over sex. Sorry this was long, and I know that this must sound pathetic, I just don’t want to bottle this up anymore.

[danman83]

Hiya jess.. from 14 to 18 years old. I was bad on weed. Every day for 4 years. My life was wasted on it. Bad gcses, wrong mates. I wish i could go back to them years and start again. I never bothered with girls. It monged me out too much and nervous and paranoid.

But your not going to get anywere unless your bf wants to stop im afraid. May be tell him just have it 2 or 3 times a week. And have the rest as quality time for you 2.

I really wanted to stop i hated it in the end. And i got a calander and ticked each day off i didnt have it. I lapsed a few times. And i never ever smoked. It was just weed.

But i got there in the end.

New years eve 1999.. the millenium.. i was in my mates getting stoned!! What a waste!! Thats what it does to you. Dont get me.wrong i had some fun memorys. But it ruined my school results. And jobs.

But i work in the bank now and im on good money. It just stops you doing so much and makes you lazy.

[huddle]

Hi I am so happy for you that you’ve turned your life around. There are so many posting here tales of desperation, sadness and feelings of helplessness as their loved ones sink lower and lower into the grip of their addiction. Your story gives me so much hope that one day my true son will return to his Mum (me) his stepdad (his real father has disowned him), his sister her partner & his little nephew. I pray daily that he’ll ‘get it’ one day & decide to take the tiny steps to get back into rehab. Everything is just too much for him now. He’s lost his self esteem & sense of worth. He thinks his dealers are his friends (of course they’re not), he doesn’t care that people who see him begging on the streets know of me and his family. He doesn’t look after his appearance and just lies and lies and lies. I am trying to keep strong, smile during my work day to colleagues who have no idea of my private Hell & try and sleep more than 4 hours a night. Addiction is cruel and consumes the addict and their loved ones. Thank Heavens for Adfam. A way to vent your sadness, problems & the overwhelming feelings of isolation. I know I am not alone and success stories like yours fill me with hope. Thank you for sharing. Bless you. X

[huddle]

Hi Danman83,

It’s Huddle here, just a quick post to let you know my son didn’t show tonight for his tea as he promised. But it is his benefits pay day so clearly his dealers have enjoyed the pleasure of his company (and money) rather than him choosing to visit his Mum. But you know I’m ok. He’ll visit when he wants to and I’m sure he’ll surface again soon. I haven’t heard from his care worker either so I’m assuming he’s not been able to engage with my son to persuade him to cut back so the date can be set for his rehab. The rehab centre won’t wait forever not when there are so many other deserving souls who are willing to do what it takes to get clean. My son obviously doesn’t feel ready.

My husband has booked an overnight break at the Lakes for us both at the end of this month. A lovely caring thought and I am soo looking forward to it. I can only leave it to my son now to sort himself out and I have (finally) decided I cannot put my own life on hold while my son decides when and if to change his life for the better.

[danman83]

Thanks for the comment.. but i am now battling a cocaine problem so im not there yet. Im having it once every few week now. But i cant stand the stuff, and im doing everything possible to stop.

Sorry to hear about your son. Its every mothers worse nightmare. I told my mum and she was deverstated. And she helped and i stopped for 3 month last year sometime. But she thinks im totally off it and i dont want to admit im not as it will just make her worry.

Ive deleted all dealers nums now and facebook, instagram, watts app. The lot.

So whats happpend to your son then? What is he taking? Sorry if we have spoke before. I can not remember.

[huddle]

Hi Danman83, my son uses cannabis and crack. He’s also taken spice. When he was in prison for 12 months (he robbed an old man of £10 for drugs) he was introduced to spice. He had one bad ‘mix’ and collapsed. The medics had to ‘paddle him’ to bring him alive and the prison authorities didn’t even tell me. I went ballistic with the Governor and told him the prison must keep the inmate’s family fully informed. They say the families of most inmates don’t care but I can’t and won’t believe that to be true. Thank you again. X

[danman83]

Hows he doing now then? Thats spice is horrible stuff.

[danman83]

Sorry i only just read your other post. I remember you now.. Theres that many people i talk to on here, and id remember them if there names was there real names but its usernames.

But going back to your son its like he is really stuck now if im being honest. Hes on the streets and all he will now know and associate is with people who have crack and spice. It is going to be hard for him to stop, but he really does need to take that treatment. As a parent i bet its heartbreaking for you. I couldnt think of anything worse watching your son do that to himself. Has he no brothers or sisters that could make him change his mind

[huddle]

Hi and thank you once more. My son has an older sister but even with her own Honours University Degree in Psychology she cannot understand her brother’s choices. She has tried to talk to him and he nods in agreement to the support & advice she gives him but it’s just lip service as he just returns to his lifestyle of choice. We are all going around in circles and she’s so worried about me she’s forever telling me to look after myself and let her brother get on with it. She has no faith in her brother’s commitment to change. I am happy that his late Nanna isn’t alive anyway to see how low her grandson has sank to. She died suddenly at her home 3 years ago (I found her as I did my Dad 38 years ago). She doted on him and it would have broken her heart if she had seen him begging down town as we have done. The police do their best to arrest and raid dealers but there are always others to step into their shoes. Drugs are now well rooted into our society so it’s such a relief to know there is the help for families and loved ones of the addicts. Take care. X

[danman83]

Your daughter is right though. Even though its hard your really need to look after your self now. You have done your best like any mother would do, and just be there for your son if he needs help.

The circle of people you choose to hang around with dont help either.

What was he like before all this? Did he have a good job and kids?

You probably wont agree with me here, but i hear it alot about people blaming dealers and that. But people dont blame asda or the corner shop selling alcohol to alcoholics or cigs to people addicted to cigs. I blame most of it on our own choices. We could of always said no the 1st time. Its not a dealer who offers it you the 1st time. Its a mate.

I dont agree with dealers ringing people up pushing it on to people just to make money, knowing there in debt and watch them get in more debt.

Going back to the police, there are that many dealers now, there is not enough police to cope with it. There are so many now.

I hope it all works out in the end for you

[huddle]

Hi Danman83,

Thanks for your post. Yes I do agree with you in a way about dealers. They are providing a service to addicts but I so wish they were really hard to find when in fact the opposite is true in my area. No my son doesn’t have any children or a partner. It’s such a shame because before the drugs he was very handsome – blond with a flashing smile & pure white teeth. To see him now you’d hardly believe it was the same person. No self esteem, slovenly, unkempt, and his once gorgeous teeth are discoloured. His skin looks ashen and when he walks he shuffles along like an old man, all hunched and crest fallen. He’s tall – 6’ 5” and there was a time when he strode our, tall and proud but not now. My grandson started ‘proper’ primary school today after completing his reception year last year. My daughter told me it was so emotional seeing her boy looking smart & growing up so fast. Sadly I was at work so missed it but she’s taken photos. When we finished chatting on the phone I broke down in floods of tears as the memories of my ‘little’ (now 39) boy looking just as smart and proud all those years ago in his uniform. So much hope and ambition for him all blown apart by damned drugs. I would be so happy if he would just make the tiny step of saying to himself “not as much today” and draw on every ounce of strength to do what is asked if him to have another chance of rehab. It’s just too hard for him and there are days when I could throttle him for his lack of willpower. I know for addicts others see only black or white – you choose to do or you choose not to do. But it’s complex and I’m sure my son has convinced himself it’s not worth trying if he’s going to relapse again. He always looks so sad. I could perhaps understand more if I could see using makes him silly or giggly or playful but using only seems to add to his feelings of depression and helplessness. I’m trying to learn as much as I can but I’m at a loss to understand it all. Thank you again for reading my all too frequent rants but like so many others I really don’t have anyone to share my burden with.

[danman83]

I feel like dragging your son to rehab myself just to make you happy. This is really effecting you and i could undertstand why. I have a 16year old boy who lives with me. I have done nowt but pressure him about drugs, talk about how my friends have ended up, and he got all above Cs in his gcses. It would break me as well if he ended up on drugs. Because it really is a slippery slope.

Do you not think you could do with talking to someone yourself just to help you get through this. Its just going to eat you up inside. When will the next time you will see him?

Im hear anytime. Dont worry 1 bit about sharing your problems. We all have them.

Were abouts in uk are you from?

[huddle]

I’m from the Wirral. My son is supposed to be calling to see me for tea today but as it is also his benefits day he might not come as pay day is ‘party day’ when all his money goes on more drugs. I have tried to help him with his finances. Not enabling but asking him to make sure he pays his bills, gets food, do his washing and then and only then use the balance for his supply if he must. He will nod and say “I will Mum” but never does so all his money is spent on benefits day then it’s back to the street begging to sustain him until his next payment and on and on it goes. My husband (his stepdad) doesn’t trust him an inch and watches him like a hawk when he visits as we do have a lot of lovely (and saleable) things that we have both worked hard for throughout our 19 year marriage. He had last year climbed through an open window whilst hubby was out briefly walking our late dog to retrieve £20 he’d left on our mantelpiece to mind for him as he said he “Couldn’t wait for one of us to come back home”. I was amazed and relieved one of the neighbours didn’t spot him and call the police as he would have been straight back in prison. That was another experience I never want repeating. It was dreadful seeing him in there and again knowing that the money we were sending him was being used to buy spice rather than for essentials at the ‘tuck shop’. A few months ago after briefly reconciling his birth dad took the high ground and said he’d sort him out “no problem” and took him to the shops. He paid for a new smartphone, clothes, household electrical items etc etc etc then went home confident that he’d “turned our son around” and achieved what I, his Mum, couldn’t. Needless to say the sellable items went within hours & I don’t think he ever got round to charging the new mobile phone let along use it! Of course his father has now disowned him so that’s another person he’s alienated. When (hopefully) I’ll see him later my heart will lurch again and I know I’ll end up pleading with him again to just stop and try and think what he’s doing to himself and his quality of life. He’ll say (as he always does) “I know Mum” and will then (after a meal and shower) leave and return to the life he prefers to live. I will wash his dishes, go to bed, get little sleep then rise again to go to work & slip on my “smiley” mask hiding my ‘other life’ from colleagues and clients.

My joy this week will come from seeing my beloved grandson on Thursday for tea. His unconditional love, smiles, giggles & hugs for his Nanna keeps me going and gives me a burst of continued strength to deal with my sadness. His Mum and I hardly mention my son when we are near him (grandson) and it’s not right but what else can we do?

I was adopted at 2 yrs of age and my late parents gave me a fabulous childhood and moulded me & gave me inner strength & fortitude to deal with most problems in life. I am a survivor but the situation with my son has beaten me into the ground and I get so angry sometimes because I can’t fix it and make his pain go away when I feel I should as his Mum. But the addiction is stronger than I, more cunning, more devious and unrelenting with its grip on my boy. I’ll let you know how it goes later. Thanks again for reading. I have just re-read this and it sounds very self pitying so I’m sorry got that.

[rev]

Sorry I meant to reply to you but I messed it up and jess got it. It’s on the forum anyway lol

[rev]

Hi Huddle,

I can imagine how bad you must feel, the main thing is you’re still there for him. Sounds corny but have you thought about writing him a letter about why you want him to stop and see if he takes at least some on board?

[danman83]

It looks like he wont quit till he is ready to and i hope he does. Ive just finished a book called.. walking out the other side.. its by alan charles. He had a coke addiction for 24 years, 11 years clean now. Its just a good inspirational story, and he has a podcast called the alan charles show. We he has different episodes about his addiction, about how it effects familys, this helps me alot. Im just trying to say hopefully he will hit rock bottom and one day come back to his normal self.

Dont worry how you sound, everyone has a story to be told and i enjoy listening. It keeps me sane.

How did it all start this with him if you dont mind me asking? Because its sounds and i can obviously tell he was brought up in a loving home.

[huddle]

Hi Danman83,

The question “how did it start?” for my son is one I can’t answer. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time in the company of the wrong people. Unfortunately my son had always been one of life’s followers never a leader. Easily persuaded, easy to manipulate & coerce. I’ve always tried my best to teach him to be his own person, to stay out of trouble and when the need arises say “no” but unlike his sister he has always got himself into scrapes right from being a little boy. His sister has always been a little more guarded with her life and she has a strong sense of what’s right or wrong. My son hasn’t. Very easily led and from what I know it started with the one spliff and has escalated every since. My son is at his happiest when all is right with his world. A slight hiccup and he ‘escapes’ into his drug fuelled haze and each time its dragged him lower and lower into the pits of his addiction which causes more ripples and problems (debt, unpaid rent, move after move to different flats etc). He cannot sustain or rather doesn’t feel inclined to do a job. He has pursued so many new hobbies and interests only to become disinterested. There is no longevity with anything he does as he swings from one awful situation to the next. He’s had a full medical team and his little family there to help him. He had readily accepted that help only to turn and give ‘the finger’ to us all and carry on. His drug support team tried, his rehab professionals (so far) have tried but still he carries on, refusing to engage and returning to the bosom of his dealers and his drug fuelled existence. And that’s it in a nutshell, an existence. I find it difficult to understand how any addict could want this rather than screaming out “no more!” but I’ve got to the stage where I know he’s got to reach the decision himself to stop and to embrace the help that’s being offered. So sadly more and more doors are closing and I fear for his future and his very life. Appealing to my local MP achieved his placement at a top rated North West clinic last year and as I’ve mentioned before once he went through detox, counselling etc he looked wonderful 2 months later. Happy, smiling, lucid, chatty. I had my son back! Only 2 weeks after release ( having been set up with a furnished flat and a support network) he relapsed with an almighty BANG! Wow the fall back into his life of drugs was rapid. He refused to go to his support network, CPN, family, everyone. Last Christmas he disappeared for 10 days over the holiday. I don’t know to this day where he was. I was inconsolable. I rang everyone who knew him, hospitals, police, the prisons even the mortuary at one point. Eventually he put a note through our door saying he was sorry but he had relapsed badly. His latest absence lasted 2.5 months without contact until he surfaced again the other week.

If I could I’ve have him sectioned under the Mental Health Act but he’s (a) an independent adult and (b) doesn’t present as being ‘ill’ enough (more brilliant play acting by my son when the need arises).

I would love for him to be in long term residential care – safe, fed, away from drugs and suppliers but that’s never going to happen. He doesn’t self harm and seems to just about eat enough to sustain himself but little else. He has slipped the net and has become another sad statistic. The help is there but he has to show commitment to change and be sincere with that commitment not just use rehab as a “holiday” from his days using. Others talk of reaching “rock bottom” before seeking the help he needs. I think he has more than reached that stage but this desperately sad and tragic life is still preferable to him. So I wait and hope and pray. I can do no more but to always be there (after so many others have deserted him) for him.

[rev]

You sound like an amazing Mum, I hope it works out for the best

[huddle]

Thank you Rev for your kind words. My son’s addiction has affected me deeply. As I’m soon to be 60 my main fear is who will be there for my son when I’m not? My health has suffered and my confidence. I used to think I could deal with anything life threw at me but this has licked me. I’m so so tired of the worry, the stress and, up until joining this forum, the total isolation of being a mother to a drug addict. Since my mum died 3 years ago the role of family matriarch has fallen on my shoulders. My husband is retired and has heart and arthritis/chronic rheumatism and I have to work full time to support us as he only receives the state pension. I’ve lost count of the days where I wish I could stay in bed and shut it all off but you can’t shut your mind off or the images of tragedy. All this happens whilst my son is happily getting high/stoned. Oh how I hate drugs and what they do to the user and the loved ones in the background struggling to come to terms with it all.

I’ve decided I must try and live for me. I cannot change my son’s way of thinking or the life he prefers to live (for now). I will continue with Adfam because mixed in with all the pain and suffering others are enduring there are glimmers of hope and success and they are worth their weight in gold in terms of inspiration and feelings of happiness for those succeeding in battling and winning.

[danman83]

Ive been hearing a lot about rehab places this week on videos and books. Ive heard some people have been like 5 times maybe to them before they realised, and i guess the hard work is when you get home. If one of his so called friends come round and offer it him, its not good at all.

Ive always said if my son turns to hard drugs, i woukd still be there for him, and i dont blame you. Id never give up aswell. Just make sure you get enough rest yourself though.

[danman83]

He sounds a nice guy your husband. Thats probably what you need right now. Ive never been to the lakes, but me and my gf keep saying we should go.

And your right.. you cant keep worrying, you have your own life and its not good for your health. Hopefully he comes to his sences.

[huddle]

Ty Danman83. Hubby and I spent half of our honeymoon at the Lakes just over 19 years ago. If it still is as I remember it’s very tranquil and we’ll be staying by Lake Windermere with the swans! I just hope the area hasn’t been invaded by McDonalds! I’ll keep in touch.

[danman83]

Sounds perfect! Have a great time! And defo will do.

[alaferguson]

Your concerns are valid, and it’s clear that you care deeply about your partner’s well-being. It’s great that you’ve tried to communicate with him about it, but it can be a tough journey for both of you. Encourage open and non-judgmental discussions, and perhaps consider seeking professional help if necessary.

If you’re looking for some insight into alternative ways to address his need for relaxation, you might want to explore bongs online to find information on various methods of consumption or perhaps alternative ways to manage his sleep and depression issues. Remember, your well-being is important too, and finding a balance that works for both of you is crucial.

[Author]

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