[downtrodden1]

I think my alcoholic partner of 27 years has finally broken me. I have never posted on any forum before but needed somewhere to address my anger, frustration and guilt.

My partners alcohol problem has escalated over the years, he drinks several cans of lager monday through thursday, Friday to Sunday he drinks so much he remembers nothing. He’s an angry nasty drunk and blames me for everything wrong in his life. To the outside world i appear confident, independent and outspoken, inside I feel my identity is crushed and emotionally dead.

I endured so many years of his drinking so our daughters could grow up in a family unit, realising too late that was the worst decision i could ever have made for them and has caused many issues in their adult lives.

I know to save my sanity it’s time to leave but at the moment it’s not financially viable. Anyone have advice on coping strategies?

Apologies for the rant.

[holkat]

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. After such a long time, all that stands out to me is how strong and resilient you are and how you have always tried to make the best decision for your children and that is so admirable.

I am not quite in the same situation, as I have only been with my partner for 2 and a half years, but he has been drinking more and more this year and constantly lies to me and will not talk about anything or even address how he feels, how I feel, he doesn’t see it as a problem at all. I am already at a point where I don’t trust him, I feel like I am being taken for a fool and I want to leave, I am so angry with him but I feel so guilty about it.

I suppose the way I am coping at the moment is just taking it day by day, going along with whatever when he’s sober, ignoring him when he’s drunk and distracting myself with my own interests and work in between. It’s not ideal and like you, it’s not really practical to leave right now which is taking it’s toll on me emotionally as I am sure you are experiencing as well. I am trying to make some plans of what will happen when it becomes a bit more possible to leave really, and trying to manage the guilt and sadness and anger in between.

I don’t know if this helps but I hope you’re ok and remember how strong you are.

Take care x

[downtrodden1]

Hi Holkat,

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My partner will never admit he has a problem with drink and I genuinely think he’s unable to cope with the stresses of life.

I ,like you coped by having my own interests, work and the children. However since my youngest left home last year,the pandemic forcing me to work from home and with him being on furlough it has brought it all to the forefront and I’m unable to ignore it any longer.

I have taken the decision to take on an additional part time job which will get me out of the house and will allow me to put money aside to enable me to leave if the situation does not improve.

I hope your partner realises the situation he’s putting you in and seeks the help he needs or you are able to remove yourself from the situation and find the happiness you deserve.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. Take care.

[katien]

Can I ask how this has effected your children? I only ask as I am not leaving to protect my children as whilst it’s under our roof I can control the impact on them. I would not be able to of I left and he got contact as he is a great person during the day, and one of them is till young? I do the same, pre occupy myself. I am developing my career in the meantime and ensuring the children’s lives.

[downtrodden1]

Hi KatieN,

My parents divorced when I was 8, it was very messy and they were unable to co-parent. I didn’t want to put my children through this.

I thought at the time I was shielding my children quite well from the effects of their fathers drinking. However,as they reached the teenage years they were so much more aware.

The children were shouted at for making too much noise when he was suffering from hangovers, I discouraged their friends from visiting as I didn’t want them seeing my children’s father in a drunken state.

He didn’t attend parents evenings, concerts and even their christening as he would be in the pub after work and at 11am sharp on weekends, infact my daughter has since told me she was surprised he attended her university graduation.

He is impossible to reason with when drunk and while I would just wait until he was sober teenage girls are not so willing. My eldest daughter left home at 16 because she she couldn’t stand his selfish behaviour, my middle daughter battled an eating disorder aged just 14 because she felt it was the only thing in her life she could control and still feels he chooses drink over his family.

All my daughters suffer anxiety to some degree and only visit early morning before he starts drinking.

I’m not saying he was all bad, he worked hard to provide for the children and they never went without, infact he would overcompensate with material things and money but emotionally he was not there for them and they have never felt supported by him.

I do hope your situation is different and your children are minimally affected. I wish you and your children all the best. Take Care

[Author]

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