[ali51]

A couple of days ago I found out that my partner had a cocaine habit and I am finding it hard to believe. I have been with my partner for almost 18 months now and I can’t believe I never knew!

After 5 months of being together I went to live in another country for 6 months. This had already been planned before I met them and before getting into a relationship we talked and both agreed we would try long distance and thankfully it worked out. I have now been back for nearly 8 months. They have told me that they used cocaine a lot from the age of 19 (they are now 22) but that they have not used since I have been back.

We have talked and my partner has promised that they have not used since I have been back living in the UK. I am just concerned that they still go out of a weekend with the people that they used cocaine with. They say they won’t go back to it because they used to use so much its affected their heart and if they went back to it, that it would probably kill them instantly. This doesn’t fill me with confidence as it seems rather than they don’t want to use again they know they can’t out of fear they would die.

I think what I am finding hardest is that they do not seem the type of person that would go out every weekend and do multiple lines of cocaine. I had this imagine of them and I feel like it has completely shattered. I can’t imagine the person I love doing cocaine at all, its almost as if i’m talking about two different people. I thought this person was the one that I would marry and have kids with (as we had talked about it) but now I’m not so sure because I am SO SO anti drug and I am scared that they could go back to using and I know that even though I love them and would do anything to help them, I can not be around that.

I feel lied to even though they never lied to me they just never told me. I am thankful that they have told me and I know it must have been so hard for them to tell me.

I just feel like my head is a mess and I don’t know how to process this.

I have asked them to go and see someone about their mental health as I know they can struggle with their mental health and they said the cocaine was a coping mechanism that they do not use now they just drink more alcohol as a coping mechanism. They do not believe talking to someone will help this will them as they think going to their GP about it will just end up with them on some anti-depressants and nothing will be solved. I don’t think they would want to go to a drug counselling either as they keep telling me it was a habit and they were never addicted as they only did it on a night out and didn’t rely on it to get through the day they just used it to make themselves feel better.

I love them and still want to be with them as long as they are clean, but I never knew they used before so how will I know in future if they keep it from me?

What do I do from here?

What help can I give them?

Thanks in advance for any help!!

[lou1321]

Hi Ali51

How much do you love him and Do you trust him? Do you believe that he is no longer sniffing? If he is drinking more then is that also a problem? He clearly needs help with his mental health and there are all sorts of therapies around that do not involve taking medication. But he would need to do this himself.

Maybe you could speak to a professional (counsellor, doctor etc) and get some advice and proper facts about addiction, no matter what the addiction is somewhere inside the body is the person you love. Sometimes it helps to understand addiction and what is going on in their bodies to make them crave it. At the end of the day you can support him and point him in the right direction but only he can make the choice to help himself.

I hope this has not come across too uncaring, every body on this site will be feeling your pain.

You sound young and in love, do not get so absorbed in his problems that you stop looking after you.. You matter too xx

[ali51]

Hi Lou1312

Thanks for your reply!

I love him a lot and before this trusted him 1000% but now a feel a little trust has gone.

I know with his drinking its almost like peer pressure from his friends and a ‘lad culture’ and that he feels he needs to drink loads while he is out, he doesn’t know when to stop. Sometimes he can be out until 5am. I know from being out drinking with my friends I don’t know my limits and I don’t necessarily think about is it time to go home. So maybe is that just part of being young and having no responsibilities of having to go home at a reasonable time. I do feel like he has some self control though because he doesn’t go out every weekend, I know he’s not dependent on alcohol its usually after he has played football on a Saturday and if i’m in work he tends to go out because they all have a pint in the pub after a game and it just usually ends up with them all going out into town

After talking to him more I think he is willing to go and talk to someone but is scared. I think the big problem is more to do with his mental health and his coping mechanisms for it and I know that it needs to be his choice and I can’t force him as he has to be willing to help himself as there is only so much I can do and I feel that I do have the strength to walk away if things get bad

[lou1321]

Good Luck Ali51, The fact you are both talking is a massive positive. Take comfort in that. Keeping everything crossed for you both.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that your partner feels scared to talk to someone who could help him and really hope that he is able to do this.

I think Lou is right that maybe you would find it useful to talk with someone who could answer some of your questions about your partner’s addiction.

You might like to contact us at The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people who are dealing with a family member or friend’s addiction. You could be put in touch with one of our experienced people who would understand what you are dealing with and give you information that you might find useful.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with it all Ali and keep strong.

[Author]

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