[dee71]

Hi Everyone,

This is totally new for me, but I’m so glad to have found somewhere that I am hoping I can get some words of wisdom or advice.

I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives on one of the Spanish islands for 12 years now, but ever since I have been with him, there has been a big issue between us and that is his use of Cocaine.

About me – I am a former nurse. I’ve seen my fair share of drug users and am well aware of the damage that drugs can do. My boyfriend works in a beach bar in one of the resort areas. His work has of course the typical ‘happy place’ atmosphere and vibe and this is mirrored in his personality and he has a ‘live and enjoy for today’ mentality.

When I travel over twice a year to see him, I spend some time down at his bar and then on his day off – or days when he is working late the next day, he comes over to my accommodation to see and stay with me. This is where his Coke use comes up. He claims that because he is tired after working and wants to be with me intimately, he takes a couple of lines of Cocaine to ‘give him energy’. What is more he does the drugs in my place, which we have had several rows about as I don’t want him to do that and have asked him several times not to before. He claims that as the drug effects of Cocaine are short lasting, he ‘has to take it’ when he arrives at my place.

After he takes the drug, he literally is awake the whole night long. His sex drive goes through the roof and as much as I love him and our physical relationship, he literally hassles me for sex all night long, which I cannot cope with physically speaking and the fact I just need to sleep at some point. At the same time he knocks back copious amount of booze, so the whole night is basically overtaken by him bouncing off of the walls.

I am basically asking if anyone can advise me here? This is my first experience with someone I personally love being involved in drugs. Apart from the basics, I know nothing about Cocaine, how long the effects CAN last, if he is taking more than what he states – he claims the most he has taken in one night is three lines, but his physical stamina has me doubting that, and just some general words of wisdom here.

He tells me over and over he is ‘not addicted’, only takes it to pep himself up before he sees me (I have told him I would rather he was just tired and had a sleep than take any drug just to see and be with me) and that I would be able to see signs in him if he had an addiction going on.

I really love him and am deeply worried about this. He is also a heavy smoker and that combined with the Coke and alcohol (again he claims he only drinks heavily when he spends nights and his day off with me) will be impacting his health badly.

Sorry for the long post. x

[danman83]

Hey there hope you are OK.

I’ve been addicted to coke for 12 year. And I’ve been doing my very best to stop for years. I tried everything, self will, hypnosis, councilling ect.

Some of it did work but only for a few week or. Month. I’ve never used every day, it was once a week or few week or even month. You don’t have to use every day to be an addict. Your partner is clearly an addict.

Basically when you are addicted to coke you have triggers, this is things like places and faces that remind you of cocaine and make you want to use.. So.. If I use to pick my cocaine up at asda car park, this is a trigger. So if I ever drive past asda it will make me want to buy coke as I have picked coke up there.

Another main trigger is and this is the main one, alcohol.. People who drink soon want cocaine, I can have 1 pint and that’s it, I’m ringing the dealer. This is for most coke users. So him working in a bar. Big massive trigger. He could be on it everyday if he’s drinking.

Him wanting to need it for sex ect.. Is just the addict in him making excuses to use. He was alright before he ever had coke I guess. So it’s his brain tricking him.

There is so much to talk about it but this is the basics.

When the coke wears off its called a comedown, and this makes u feel depressed and suicidal for days. And its a vicious circle.

My friend committed suicide on a comedown this year. It drains the life out of people.

Anyway.. To stop.. He needs to want to stop for himself, u can’t tell him to, he needs to more or less hit his rock bottom, or just had enough of it. That’s the 1st thing. I joined cocaine anonymous in Jan, I got my best clean time 4 month, then used then 3 month. Then a few bumps and back on 10 days. He needs to work the 12 steps, and get a sponsor and do meetings, they are on zoom as well.

He has to quit alcohol for the rest of his life if he doesn’t want to use.

Cut all ties off with people that use, get a new num, and I think not work In a bar. Hope this. Helps.

I probably have left things out but feel free to ask me anything

[dee71]

Danman, thanks so, so much for your kind reply. You have been a massive help to me.

I think deep down I know he has a problem. When I was last there, he said that he only takes it now and again and doesn’t ‘have to take it’. My response to that was ‘well if that is the case, just stop taking it if it is a choice and not an addiction’.

He then went on to say stuff like everything can be addictive – junk food, coffee, cigarettes, booze, but they are all legal and nobody says anything about that. Just stupid lame excuses and reasons for doing the Coke and how it is perfectly ok and that I shouldn’t worry about him.

I am so sorry to hear your story and the loss of your friend. I really take my hat off to you for your desire to quit and your drive to do so. As you say, that is half the battle and he must want to do that to for himself.

I have more or less pleaded with him to not take it, but it falls on deaf ears. You are bang on right that working in a bar is a massive issue. It is the whole party atmosphere that will be fuelling the fire of his Coke use. Ever since he left school he has being working in various bars and so it is deeply ingrained in him – that lifestyle.

I think what you say here is so true. I think he does associate me coming over with him being able to let rip, take a few lines and drink all night, especially with his day off the next day. I also think you are right that he is hooked and not just taking the drug when I am there. This must be an ongoing thing.

Drug use is so hard when you are on the outside looking in. I feel powerless to do anything and it really is up to him to want to stop. It makes me so frustrated as in other aspects, he takes care of his fitness, goes to the gym regularly, eats wells but it is the Coke, binge drinking and smokes that are a problem.

Thanks so much again, Danman. Just having someone to talk with about this and gain insight from has really helped me so much. I wish you all the best with your own journey.

[danman83]

Thank you for that.

He is right to a point a lot of other things are addictive. But people don’t rack up £200 a day chocolate bars habits lol, or commit suicide on chocolate or Rob off families ect..

An addict will make every excuse up to use. They could sell ice to an Eskimo lol. So he will talk out of every situation going to do with coke if u question it.

How often do you see him a year?

[dee71]

Yep, exactly right. There are a lot of legal bad things out there too, but like you say, they don’t generally grip you as much as drugs do and ruin every aspect of your life.

I only travel out twice a year, usually for up to a three-week stay. I usually go in March and September. I’d go out more if I could, but money won’t allow me. Having retired from nursing years ago due to ill health, I now work for myself and money is always tight sadly.

I can take a wild guess that the two times I am there is not the only time this all occurs. He works really long hours (up to 11 hours a day depending on how busy his bar is) and has just Tuesday’s off. I can imagine him taking the Coke just to keep himself energised.

I don’t know Danman. Who ever knows except the person themselves?

You’re right about excuses. He totally plays it down as nothing, but just the mere fact he does it at all makes me doubt it isn’t a bigger issue.

[danman83]

I could be wrong but if he’s drinking aswell he could be on it alot more. And he’s in the circle we’re people are at a bar who will always have coke on them. It’s just a hard situation for him to get out of.

[dee71]

Yes, you’re totally right there, Danman. He has talked about getting out of the bar work and doing something more sedate in a hotel for example. I think he is pretty worn out with the job being 45 years old now, but that hasn’t happened as yet. Time will tell I guess.

I’m trying to be supportive, but I also can’t help but challenge him. I keep trying to let him know my challenging him on his Cocaine use comes from a place of love.

[danman83]

Because your not with him, you won’t know the full extent how bad is he or not. And you can’t do much help from x amount of miles away. He’s just gonna have do it for himself, and maybe hit his rock bottom I’m afraid.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Dee,

I’m so glad that you have come on to the forum and are talking with Danman who is great to talk with and gives good advice. If you would like anyone else to talk with you may like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports families dealing with addiction issues. We have trained and experienced people we call Family Friends who you could talk with if you get in touch.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[Author]

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