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Hi everyone,

I’m Daz I’m 9 months clean of cocaine. You can find one of my threads on here from when I started my journey of being clean I’ll edit the link in.

Here is my full journey from day 14 to now

https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/forum/thread/3048

In 9 months I’ve Kickstarted my life.

I’ve gone back to college.

I’ve got two part time jobs.

I’ve stayed free from all drugs

I’m a nice person again who thinks calm and collected

Reason I’m posting is what is people’s opinion on forgiving and letting go.

When my wife left me my life actually has got better and I love my life now. The problem we still seem to have when communicating though is she tags me as a narcissist (I may of had traits during use of co dependency) lying, stealing etc etc..

When communicating with her she takes me with that brush and it makes conversation over our children very difficult. She knows I’m clean but can’t seem to accept that I’m not that person anymore…

I can’t grasp the concept as she has no remorse for addicts/ recovering addicts whatsoever she just says it’s your own fault (which it is in all fairness)

What’s people’s experiences with this?

Have you ever forgiven someone truly so that you can move forward as co parents?

Will her behaviour ever stop because it’s causing me nightmares moving forward myself..

In the back of my head I still feel I have to prove myself to her even though I don’t want her back nor ever would go back is that normal?

She can be really horrible… Her words can destroy me sometimes and make me feel useless even though her opinion is irrelevant…

One concept my counselor said is ” she is very bitter because you have sorted your life out and she doesn’t get you the way she always wanted you but she doesn’t get the best version of you”

What are people’s thoughts

[lindyloo]

Hi Daz

Just wanted to say Congratulations on being 9 months clean, you should be very proud of what you have achieved!

I know it can’t have been easy for you. My son is currently 4 months clean and I understand the difficulties you’ve both had to overcome to fight these addictions.

My son followed the 12 steps and part of it was apologising to all the people he’d hurt while using.

Its part of the healing process for all involved, then you can move on.

It sounds that your wife still hasn’t quite got over it yet, but you’re doing your best now. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.

The children will come to an age where their views will change. They will come round in their own time.

Your a better person now, you’ve been battling addiction for years, we can’t keep living in the past.

Unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, but I know forgiveness is a big part of recovery.

Hopefully your partner will realise that soon.

Keep on doing what you’re doing, you are an inspiration to others here, with your advice and support.

Take care

Lx

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Hi Lindy, yes I mentioned counseling a few weeks back and got the

It’s you that needs help reply.

She shown up today with the kids eventually after me having to beg her.. she was meant to drop them today as a one off because my car’s broke… she changed her mind last minute then changed her mind again.

we all ended up enjoying it in the end but I know we’ve got mountains to climb to even consider being friends but I guess it’s a start.

Kjs thankyou for the advice I fully understand you. One step at a time

[kjs]

I expect she’s still hurting Daz

The betrayal and lies are very very hard to get over and add to that you’ve now recovered, she’s probably wondering why you couldn’t do it for her?

Do you know if she has sought counselling to deal with her trauma? I think she needs to but definitely do not suggest it!

In the meantime just be a good dad. Don’t rise if she makes comments

In time you’ll be able to talk civilly but it will take years

My ex husband cheated on me whilst I was pregnant, 5 years on now. Still have moments I want to punch him in his smarmy face! I’ve forgiven but you never forget that feeling when you’ve been lied to by the person who was supposed to cherish you

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And congratulations to your son so proud for him x

[me-mcme]

Rightly or wrongly, your ex resents you and wants to see you in the most negative light possible so she can justify her anger. She probably enjoys the feelings of superiority and seeks also to justify her possession of your children. She probably also seeks to project her personal happiness onto someone else and this only possible if you are a “bad” person. In other words, so she can say to herself: “It’s not my fault I’m unhappy; it’s his fault.”

[kjs]

Well yes, that’s pretty much the first phase after betrayal, A LOT of anger and resentment

It does subside over time though

[dot]

Yes that makes alot of sense. I’m growing tired of the behaviour though maybe like she did with me when I used…

It’s a constant drain and makes communication with my kids hard you know…

She did use the kids and still does but doesn’t realise the things she says and does… She gets the kids to lie to me which winds me up even more but I just don’t rise too it.

When I do pull her on her behaviour and say well this is wrong you shouldn’t be doing that she just either ignores m nor says I’m abusing her and I’m genuinely only stating facts…

I just hope she can sort her behaviour out because it is impacting the children…

[libertas]

Stay focused and never let your guard down. 9 months is amazing but when you least expect it a thought may come, when you ignore it and move on and let the months turn into years you will say thank god I did that. Sounds like you have a challenge with the ex that all being well with patience and perseverance could work out so you can both live amicably for at least the sake of the children. Remind yourselves of that. Good luck

[dot]

Hi libertas,

Thanks for the reply I will never become complacent again that life is totally behind me. I’ve had to face demons and defeat them to get where I am.

I will never out myself through that 10 weeks of anxiety and withdraw ever again.

The constant overthinking and panic attacks and not being able to think clearly.

And yes I do have a challenge. I think it must be hard for her because she probably expected me to be sat somewhere in a ditch with no money off my face…

When in fact I’ve saved money got two cars, got new jobs and doing college and am saving for a mortgage (once my divorce goes through)

Must be hard for her to take I understand that bit.

Hopefully it does calm down though

[libertas]

This is really positive news. I wish you all the success and positive state of mind in the world. You mention that she probably expected you to be….

My thinking is to try and avoid negative thoughts. Maybe she does or maybe she doesn’t. Definitely try not to rub her nose in your liberation or success if you can see her pissed off.

What is a fact is that she is the mother of your children and a pissed off mum is no good to anyone.

You want them to be happy, that means playing the game so that you can be a better person than the one who is being negative if indeed they are.

If you can look after yourself you can look after your family so conflict avoidance needs to be at the forefront if conflict exists.

Best of luck

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