[lmanda]

I’m so new to this!

I left a wonderful marriage of 20 years to try and find myself after finding my husband had cheated on me with my best friend.

I moved house and I was struggling with my new life and heartbroken.

A few weeks later – Without looking I met a wonderful guy who was non stop chat and we immediately became friends (which is where I wish it had stayed) we soon struck up a more intimate relationship and before I knew it he was doing jobs on the house – caring about me and the kids and all was well except the gut instinct. I had heard stories of him being a coke head – when I confronted him he was agitated and said he was angry that some people portraying him in a bad light etc etc and even his mum got angry with me and said if people want to believe rumours then their not worth it! She’s a lovely lady and he has a close relationship so I chose to believe it was hearsay.

Roll on a year – I have a very close friend who is an occasional user I introduced my partner to him recently after he came to pick me up from a pub we were at.

The next day my partner said to me I really like your friend can I have his number – I refused and said what do you want it for – it’s about work. I knew he was lying so I text my friend to say if he asks for cocaine please tell me. Couple of days later I went to see my friend and he told me he did exactly what I thought so this confirmed my instincts. My friend and I chatted about how often he goes to the toilet (all the time!) his nose bleeds a lot during the night especially – he sniffs constantly but he told me it was because of hay fever – his skin is terrible covered in rashes – again tells me allergy.

So we came to the conclusion he prob dos it all the time.

Anyway we are currently on holiday and I’m watching closely monitoring his moods his toilet trips etc

So Tuesday eve we go for a nice meal and he visits the toilet 3 x during an hour pub visit. We return back to campsite and he starts drinking JD – he becomes calmer chattier etc – seems drunk even.

During the night I decided to look through his wallet (I have done this before and found nothing) in the wallet was a business card Tore in half rolled up like a tube. I then discovered a secret compartment which I had never come across before – one empty baggy and another one filled with coke!!!! I removed the coke and I have hidden it. I went back to bed and remained calm and normalish yesterday! Inside I’m angry agitated and know I have to leave him.

I have no idea if I have done the right thing stealing the coke? But I guess we on holiday it’s probably only stuff he has left and I’m watching his moods.

Have I done the right thing stealing the bag?

How do I approach him to say it’s coke or me?!!!

I have confronted him and tried to talk to him before approaching him with different ways he’s always denied any cocaine habit and says if anything he drinks too much (this also true! He can’t go a day without alcohol!)

He gets angry if I ask him and he will storm off and disappear for hours or a day etc

I know I must sound naive as I’ve researched and the signs were obvious but I really have no idea about drugs I’ve never done them or been around people that do (except my one friend but i see him only occasionally) I sound so stupid!

Any advice I would be grateful

[bt1978]

Hey

Thanks for posting

OK so by now you are already aware that sadly your partner is a cocaine addict. Getting shirty whem asked or approached is typical addict behaviour – we don’t like being confronted, we don’t like people knowing what we are up to and we certainly aren’t going to admit the problems.

You can also see that it creeps into all areas of every day life a simple pub visit on holiday.

The question is now is that what you want and what do you want to do about it as u less he admits he has an issue this will carry on and get worse

[lmanda]

Hi thanks for your reply

I have dropped many hints since returning from holiday but he just looks at me and says what are you talking about!

I’ve told him we can only be friends now as I don’t trust him and yet I am still to drop the bombshell of what I found because I was wrong to go in his wallet! And I’m afraid even if I give him the bag of cocaine back he will deny it.

When approached him in the past I have said if you tell me the truth I will help you if you have a problem.

He went mad and walked off as usual! So I won’t be offering help again if he was to admit it!

So what do I do with the bag ? And do I tell him what I’ve found? I am scared of how to approach him.

He thinks I’m joking about just being friends but I am not

[bt1978]

Personally don’t delay just calm it out and see what he says.

I will say now that denial is very powerful with addiction so I would be surprised he denies it even if you show him what you found

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m so sorry that you are having such an uncertain, worrying time. It must be very hard for you.I’m glad that you have found this site and are getting help from people on it.

If you would like some more support for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are going through what you are, trying to cope with the effect of a partner’s addiction.

We have very experienced people you could talk with who would help to answer some of your questions and, maybe help you to see a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Good luck.

[lmanda]

Hi

Thanks so much for your message. I will certainly give you a call as it’s really effecting me emotionally.

I still haven’t broached the subject and feel he knows because the wallet seems to be hidden lately!!!

[chelsie]

Hiya all the signs you describe are exactly the same my husband had – the denial even when you prove it to their face will be unbelievable I’m afraid addicts will do anything and lie to anyone in any circumstances and blame others etc to protect their drug of choice . My husband is now 6 months sober and working the programme but I will say the damage his lies and behaviour has caused to me and many others runs so deep now I don’t know whether he can ever be forgiven and whether any reconciliation is possible – the earlier you can address this and make choices for yourself the better ( you can’t make his choices only he can do that – he will decide to protect his addiction or stop or lie about one or the other either way you can’t control what he does but you can control how YOU want to live the rest of your life ). Take all support available to you , It’s a horrible horrible existence being the partner of an addict I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – just remember your life is in your control – not his

[lmanda]

I’m sorry to hear about your husband and for you too.

Can I ask a question……why do they do it???? I don’t understand.

Well I’ve made the move that I am insisting on being just friends. He replied actually saying to me he can’t cope with me and wants to be just friends but at the minute needs space!!!! OMG HELLO!!!

Anyway 24 hours later I find him asleep on my sofa that’s the other thing he just sleeps all the time!

I refused to engage in anything intimate which tbh he struggles with anyway but I refuse to give even a kiss on the cheek.

His friend message me and said he will soon be banging on my door! I said I don’t want him to he’s lied and I’ve been married to a liar and refuse to be in a relationship with another liar! I said you don’t shit on your own doorstep (meaning don’t ask my friend for drugs and not expect me to know!)

He must have relayed this message but instead of asking what I mean he ignores it.

Is all I keep doing when he texts or I see him is remind myself of that little white bag I found which I still don’t know what to do with!

The trouble is my cousin is an alcoholic and a cocaine user the alchol is the worst and he’s so poorly he is dying – spends most weeks in hospital and then discharging himself – my auntie is broken and I’m currently trying to help him so I really don’t need a partner who could go the same way.

It’s such a shame I love him but I can’t bear to be with someone who’s an addict and to think I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe he didn’t do it! I hate liars

How to approach this is difficult as I know he run a mile and deny I feel like I’m playing mind games with him but I want him to admit it to me

[lmanda]

I’m sorry to hear about your husband and for you too.

Can I ask a question……why do they do it???? I don’t understand.

Well I’ve made the move that I am insisting on being just friends. He replied actually saying to me he can’t cope with me and wants to be just friends but at the minute needs space!!!! OMG HELLO!!!

Anyway 24 hours later I find him asleep on my sofa that’s the other thing he just sleeps all the time!

I refused to engage in anything intimate which tbh he struggles with anyway but I refuse to give even a kiss on the cheek.

His friend message me and said he will soon be banging on my door! I said I don’t want him to he’s lied and I’ve been married to a liar and refuse to be in a relationship with another liar! I said you don’t shit on your own doorstep (meaning don’t ask my friend for drugs and not expect me to know!)

He must have relayed this message but instead of asking what I mean he ignores it.

Is all I keep doing when he texts or I see him is remind myself of that little white bag I found which I still don’t know what to do with!

The trouble is my cousin is an alcoholic and a cocaine user the alchol is the worst and he’s so poorly he is dying – spends most weeks in hospital and then discharging himself – my auntie is broken and I’m currently trying to help him so I really don’t need a partner who could go the same way.

It’s such a shame I love him but I can’t bear to be with someone who’s an addict and to think I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe he didn’t do it! I hate liars

How to approach this is difficult as I know he run a mile and deny I feel like I’m playing mind games with him but I want him to admit it to me

[chelsie]

There is no reason for them doing this – I’ve asked my husband and over and over why he did this why he destroyed our marriage and family when there was no ‘ reason ‘ to do so – we were happy . He has no reason other than he is an addict he made the wrong decision etc etc etc it just does not wash with me – he decided to do it , the drugs did not come to him !

I have to say if your partner is not going to get clean this relationship for you can only get worse – you’ve been through an awful time with your previous relationship already – a relationship with an addict is going to be even worse – the chaos , the drama it eventually leads to desperation I’ll health stealing abuse aggression. Etc etc it’s progressive and doesn’t get better ..

My husband started off with all the symptoms you said the nose bleeds the toilet trips the sniffing I didn’t suspect for over a year and even when I found it he still denied And said I had ‘ mental health ‘ issues for accusing him . It took a family intervention and proof which was going to be shown to the police to get him to leave and I can’t tell you how relieved I was when he and his chaos finally left our home .

There is no easy way to approach it but the sooner the better and for your own sake and the sake of your future sooner rather than later – while the addict is wasting his or her life on drugs they are also pulling you down and wasting your life with them – I go to a support group which I found via this site and also have 1:1 Trauma counselling through the NHS both of which have helped me immensely – I would highly recommend getting support for yourself first and foremost so you don’t lose YOU in all of this

[lmanda]

I am finding your replies strong and inspirational!

Sounds so familiar I didn’t believe for a year.

Dos your husband have obsessive tendencies too?

My plan is to stay friends as I do really like him but I am quite moral or maybe my heads done in! so I can’t sleep with somebody who is lying to me.

My ex husband cheated on me with my best friend and then some so I know exactly what it’s like lying in the same bed as a liar and I can’t do it no matter how much I like him!

He is chaotic and changes his mind all the time.

I’m not one to talk anyone would think I took the drug! But I’m also bored – he sleeps all morning whilst I go for a run but I have to sneak out as he won’t let me go just wants to cuddle … it’s not even anything else lol!

We do something nice like go cycling but Always end up in a pub. Which is lovely but it ends up with drinking again and he irritates me driving with a can of cider! Who did that or needs to do that?

He’s always got a bowel problem !

Anyway I 100% want to go to a support group just wasn’t sure they be open with the covid thing?

Thanks for your reply’s keeping me strong

[Author]

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