[lostbear]

Hello everyone,

I have just found adfam and what a great site!

I have read several of the posts and there is a trend of female partners that have discovered their male other half has a coke addiction.

I’m on the other side of the fence.

What started as a ‘try it out’ on a few nights out, turned into a ‘get some for myself’ then I observed high performing colleagues doing it at work, after a year of deliberating I tried it myself and it was great.

I go through stages of doing it for 3 days or so, then coming down, going through the emotional and physical recovery. As soon as something crap happens (flat tyre, glass breaks, someone gives me a hard time) I generally seek it. Once I’ve had some, alcohol comes into play and my day to day worries disappear.

This makes me distant from my family and partner. Mainly because im anxious of them noticing, but also because I want to stay alone in my ‘bubble’.

It has got worse but I’m recognising that and seeking help.

What made me start?

I guess I was bored of the same day-to-day routine and the concept of just ‘existing’. I want to live!

The honeymoon period of our relationship was well and truly over, kids are hard work, career is stressful. I go to work, come home, take over from helping the kids, go to bed, rinse and repeat. The weekends I deal with the kids to give her a break – but there is no ‘bloke time’ or just time for myself.

The bedroom is same old same old too.

I have not been aggressive or irritable though. If your partner is being aggressive/irritable I would probably distance yourself from that behaviour.

But, generally, my biggest piece of advice is to try and break the routine. Do things differently. Be a little selfish too and try to think of ways you want to have fun. You’re not a servant and you shouldn’t damage your quality of life if its not recoverable.

Dont blame yourself though. Honestly, I think everyone goes through periods of intense boredom and seeks excitement/thrill. Sadly, for many people that ends up being substance abuse or an affair. If you want to keep things alive with your partner, be disruptive and do some really outrageous things to create excitement/thrill. Try to ‘be on the same team’ rather than push your partner away. Don’t give them a hard time – it’ll make them do it more.

Shake things up! Start a fresh, get some excitement and light the fire.

[believer]

Hi, I just find out my husband has been abusing cocaine on and off for about ten years. We have been married for 8 years. I have never been around drugs and users so I’m completely blind and naive. He had some strange behavior but I thought it was alcohol. He is a good husband and a good person but he has his moments when he can get very mean and selfish. The other day he came home from poker night and he acted his weird way. I have always hated this behavior of his. His face expression was weird (pressing lips together) and his huge desire for sex but he wasn’t able to perform. At first as a good wife I was trying to helped but after the years I gave up. So he started to relieve himself on his own for hours in the bathroom. I felt very uncomfortable and angry. Every time when he went to play poker I begged him not to drink (how naive) that much. I made him to promise me no masturbation while I’m present and fully aware of it. He broke my promise every time and it caused huge arguments. The other day he came home and he was trying to do it in car. I had enough and I got very upset. And that night he came out. It has been few days since and I’m still in shock. He is the person who goes to gym on regular basis, eating healthy and being very successful in his career. I feel totally betrayed and outraged. It’s very hard for me not to give him hard time about it. After all this years. We are very close. I have nobody but him and I feel like I don’t know him. I’m very confused as well. I will do my best to help him but I don’t know how to cope with my anger and my feelings.

[kklost]

Hi Believer, I found out a week ago that my husband was an addict. I also thought it was booze and would say the same.

The sex is a massive issue and again hubby couldn’t perform. It’s such a slap in the face and you feel it’s you. Hubby got given viagra and it worked, but now I realise the dangers of that and cocaine use. Thankfully it’s all out in the open now and hubby taking all the right steps to get off it.

What is your husband doing?

[believer]

I’m not sure if he regrets coming out. I don’t know what he wants to do. Fortunately it’s all out now and we can go from there. I know I have to support him but I’m so angry and disappointed!

[kklost]

Lostbear, I hear you, I understand.

BUT life is boring… mundane and hard work.

I think if the life you are after is exciting and fun then having kids isn’t gonna cut it.

I’m sure a lot of my husbands issues if exactly what you have said and I’m trying to take it on board. I will try and make it more fun, but hard with three kids and two having health issues.

I try and see this as a stage. Life will get easier as mine grow up and by the time the youngest is 10 things will certainly be easy.

I won’t wish they lives away for anyone. I would rather those cuddles, where they hold my hand and show me how much I mean to them. Over any thrill in the world.

It’s maybe more about being honest and open, saying to your other half what’s missing. Appreciate what you do have and try to meet in the middle.

It isn’t easy and got a long way to go to even try to understand how my husband feels. But it’s all one day at a time.

Listening is the biggest step.

[kklost]

Hi believer,

Did he tell you himself?

I wish my husband had, I found it.

[believer]

He did tell me. I couldn’t bare with his strange behavior anymore.

[kklost]

That’s really good! Massive step to just come out with it!

Wish I could say the same! I found it and heart broke.

[believer]

I would never find out. He did such a good job fooling me. I feel really sorry for u that u had to find out on your own. That must be terrible. I hope you guys will overcome it together.

[kklost]

Thanks. Me too. I really do want it to work.

There has to be a lot of support from me to him and that’s hard. But he is doing all he said he would, so he is a good man. He’s been clean 11 days now, so fingers crossed

[kklost]

Lostbear are you there?

[knupssy]

Hi,

I have posted my story few weeks ago. My husband is still denying his addiction. I found some cocaine in his pocket a month and a half ago. We have 3 kids, married for 16 years.

My hubby has been acting weird for few years, but I thought it was just work stress, booze… He lost his job last February and since then it has been just worse and worse. He can’t get up before 4pm most days. Disappears for the whole night few days a week. There is a pattern.

We are now separated but still living under the same roof. I am moving abroad in five weeks. Can’t wait! He signed the authorisation fir custody.

But he still still didn’t come out. I guess because of the custody. He wants a no fault divorce… not sure what he wants really.

I found viagra and cialis … condoms. He says it’s to use with his sex toys. So humiliating. He hasn’t been able to have erections quite often for over a year before we started sleeping in different rooms. Now, I guess it’s not my business but of course it hurts a lot. I still love him deeply 🙁

He takes anti-depressants and diapazan as well… Sudafed. All the cocktails. Refuses to go see a proper GP. He uses the at hand app. Had a therapy for two months and the guy didn’t see anything.

This is so frustrating not to be able to do anything. I want my children to have a father 🙁

I am so concerned for his health that I often go check he is breathing in the middle of the night. When he is there… most days I find him at 5.30 am drinking champagne in his office… alone.

Few days ago he had another episode when he seems lucide in the middle of the night and restless. Says he had vivid dreams…

I have stopped trying to confront him. I am concentrating on getting out of here with the kids. But my curiosity is still unsatisfied. I need to know the truth…

I am most worried about the combination of cocaine, diazepam and viagra plus anti-depressant .., and knowing he get those either prescribed or on black market and not giving the full health information to whoever takes his GP at hand call.

All very sad and stressful 🙁

[Author]

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