[jtconcern]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to read other’s stories and offer insight based on your own experiences. It is tough for us all or we wouldn’t be here.

My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year. I know this pales in comparison to the history of some of the relationships discuss on this board, but I’m hoping to get good feedback on how I can be supportive and help her fight this disease.

Our relationship blossomed in the beginning through a lot of drinking. I was going through a rough patch and had decided I was just going to have fun and go out almost every night. When I met her, I didn’t know this was just a regular thing for her. In fact, she had been drinking 6-7 nights a week for the better part of a decade. It doesn’t help that she’s a bartender. We’ll get into more of that later.

We moved in together early on in the relationship to save money. We had an incredibly physical relationship, sex daily, sometimes multiple times.

About 3-months into the relationship I got a new job that required relocation. We talked and she decided that she’d like to come with me. I thought this would be a nice turning point for her to be away from all the friends that she shared a drinking problem with. A place to restart. I now understand that the isolation and “loneliness” makes dealing with her drinking problem more difficult.

She drinks in secret, lies about it, gets major anxiety attacks when it’s brought up, and gaslights the hell out of me. I’ve seen her drunk or tipsy on so many occasions I just know when she walks through the door that she’s been drinking. One of the worst aspects of the issue is that she is an emotional drunk. She gets highly insecure, moody, and incredibly lethargic. She comes home from work and a few drinks, lays down in bed at 6:00PM, and expects me to just lay in bed with her. If I don’t, she texts me from the room condescending messages, accuses me of being “perfect”, and makes generally mean comments.

This hit a peak during Thanksgiving. At my brother’s house, everyone but her was taking the customary after-dinner nap. She stayed awake and within 2-hours had downed a 1.5ML bottle of vodka, completely alone. When I woke up I immediately could tell she had been drinking. She started the wild staring, became incredibly sharp-tongued, and eventually once she was feeling all the effects of alcohol. Took off her clothes, walked into my nephew’s room, and peed all over the carpet and his toys. I took her to the shower to rinse off and walked her to the bedroom hoping she’d just pass out. I had to sit in front of the door for 3-hours because she walked out completely naked twice. I just sat on the floor and listened to her scream at me, “F*** YOU”, “must be nice to be perfect”.

To make things even harder- She remembers NOTHING after she’s drunk. It doesn’t even have to be a large amount.

We’ve had more than numerous conversations about her drinking, the lies, how unhealthy it is, and how it will inevitably impact our future. After reading some of the stories here I realize how fortunate I am to not be married or have kids with her. But sober her is absolutely amazing. I love sober her a tremendous amount and do see a future together with her. I’ve told her this.

But the gaslighting and lying are driving me insane. There is no limit to where she’ll take a lie even if I’m on the brink of walking away from the relationship. I’m not mean during these conversations. I’m not loud. I understand that this is a disease and try to be as gentle and understanding as I can. I’m not naturally controlling, it is her choice to make to be better. To help her I’ve not had a drink since we moved 8 months ago and I don’t buy booze for the house. I’ve read through dozens and dozens of articles about helping and how to be supportive.

She finally admitted she had a problem after the Thanksgiving fiasco. I thought that maybe that was the moment she needed to realize she had a problem. She just used admitting as a way to subside my concern and to make me feel like she was ready to change. She said she’d go the therapy route because she didn’t like the spiritual/religious aspect of AA. That was more than 2-months ago. She was supposed to have an appointment on Monday, but that meeting was “canceled”. She has another appointment tomorrow. I suppose I’ll see whether or not she goes through with it.

I guess I’m just at a point where I don’t trust her about drinking anymore. I don’t trust her to tell the truth about it or to follow through with her promise to find help and get better.

I just don’t know how to help her. Anything I do or say gives her anxiety.

Thank you all for reading and hearing me out.

[Author]

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