[dave-mk1]

Hi. Im brand new so thanks for having me.

Where the hell do i start!

My gf has a very addictive personality. Codeine every 4 hrs,nurofen every 4 hrs, alcohol binges 2-3 times a week and ive just caught her tonight using cocaine after drinking alcohol,

Of course she says she doesn’t have a problem and she can stop anytime. So why the hell doesn’t she? We have a 6 yr old child who’s now starting to suffer too. I know this isnt the 1st time with coke, i had a fight in the street with a drug dealer a few months ago when I caught her buying it, to which she said “you’ve brought shame on this family by doing that in front of the neighbours” Im the bread winner in our house so she keeps the place nice and does the school run and shopping etc. My son only has an 83% school attendance record which i knew nothing about until i saw his school report. I remind her when she drinks on a school night that she has to get up in the morning and all i get is “I’ll be alright” I leave for work before they get up so im guessing of course that she cant get out of bed and the little one isnt going to say no to a day off school! She got him to lie for her one day when i asked him if he’d had a good day at school knowing full well he hadn’t been in. Ive kicked her out a couple of times and she’s took him and gone back to her mums. She then plays on my heart strings so i have her back and so the cycle repeats. She’s downstairs whilst im in bed writing this in tears because once again ive told her to leave. Its my son who’s going to suffer but she’s blaming me for splitting the family up. She’s refusing to leave this time but i can’t do this anymore. Why can’t she see what she’s doing to us? We’ve got a few days next week where we’re supposed to be going down the coast and he’s really excited about it but I cant play happy families anymore with all the lies and deceit. Ive told her to get clean and if she still wants us to be a family come back. What am i going to do?

[danman83]

She obviosuly has a few problems. But she wont stop it until she admits she has a drink and coke problem. Does she want to quit both or not.?

[dave-mk1]

Hi. Thanks for replying. She says she needs help when she’s drunk but sobers up and says”oh I was just having a bad day” im not sure of the extent of the coke addiction. This could of been going on longer than I’ve known.

[rev]

She is without doubt addicted and needs help, I think you need to suggest meetings and if she doesn’t believe she needs them, you have to give her some ultimatums, trust me meetings might not work straight away but if she goes at least she is trying. It’s a family wrecker but try to give her a chance if she shows signs of admitting her addiction

[dave-mk1]

Hi rev.

How many more chances can i give her! Last night i told her to leave, go and get clean then if she feels like making another go of it then all’s well and good. Its the lies which bother me more. If she’d open up and give me honest answers I’d want to help more but im just sick of it. Shes on tablets for a heart problem which i don’t know exactly what the problem is and bad kidneys too and im not going to see her killing herself in front of me. For the sake of her own health why can’t she see what’s happening? She’s only 41 too.

If i can get her to meetings then thats a start but shes not simply going to stop there and then. how can i live with her knowing that she’s still going to be doing this under our roof?

[dave-mk1]

Got to get off for work now. I’ll check in later. Thanks for the support

[b8988]

Hi there. Firstly your son needs to be your priority, if he’s missing days off school and she’s lying in bed, that’s awful! I know you work but seriously I wouldn’t be leaving my child in her care, maybe you should approach family members and raise your concerns. Be warned though, they will probably tend to take her side as she will probably down play it or even worse turn it around on you. My husband did exactly that! They even thought all his drug problems were due to him not wanting to be with me anymore. That was until he went to live with them and he caused chaos there!

Secondly there is nothing you can say or do to make her change, as hard as it is try not to take it personally. Her mind has now been rewired to all things addiction, all the reasoning and trying to get her to see sense will be wasted. You need to focus on you. Maybe seek help for yourself. Al anon was a life saver for me. It seemed odd at first but the more I went the more I got it.

You need to try and build a good life for you and your son. Whilst she is an addict you won’t be able to do that. There will be a lot of tears and tantrums along the way but there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to follow through with what you threatened otherwise this will be all of your lives forever.

[dave-mk1]

Hi. Gonna have to be breif here because of work. Should i stop giving her money for the shopping?

Her mum knows about it but just tells her off and thinks it’s sorted now. She could go to her mums but refusing to leave

[b8988]

Well that’s up to you. If you know it’s 100% going on shopping that’s fine, but as you said you’re the main provider so I’m gathering she’s funding it with your money.

I attend marriage counselling and I told the counsellor that my husband would never let me end the relationship, he told me that no one had that power over me and if I was 100% sure I wanted my husband to leave I’d enforce it. So all I’m saying is if you really want her to leave, you could make her. I do understand how hard it is though.

[dave-mk1]

Well i got home from work this evening and she’s taken our son and gone to her mums. Part of me craves for my son to be home. He’s on the autism scale too and likes structure so im sure he’s feeling pretty confused atm. The other part of me wants to stick to my guns as I’ve been at this stage twice before and she and her mum have pulled on my heart strings and I’ve buckled. Im telling myself that short term pain leads to long term gain. I can’t have my son seeing this month after month until he’s a teenager and completely messed up.

[b8988]

Well the way I looked at it with my husband when he went to stay with family was, if he is an addict “which he was” it wouldn’t be long before everyone else noticed how bad he was and then would understand what I’d had to put up with. Sure enough I was right. maybe this way her mum will see how bad she is, plus she will at least be there to watch your son if she stays in bed! I’m guessing she won’t really have that much money too either. Problem is she will probably get angry at you for not budging, but if you stick to your guns it should work out best in the end.

[dave-mk1]

Hi.

Im so glad you’re here for me and I’m hoping one day I will be able to pass on my experiences and advice to others.

Im pretty certain that no matter how she tries to hide it her mum will eventually see for herself how she’s behaving.

We had a few days down the coast earmarked for next week but she’s now saying that she’s taking him on her own and needs the cash to pay for it on arrival.

I do not trust her one bit now, so im going to pay it over the phone so she doesn’t shove it up her nose and tries to blame me for the little man not going. If she doesn’t go then I’ll take him. Ive kidded myself so many times before that things will be better and buckled. Its actually quite liberating atm. It may seem like im playing games with her and i certainly don’t want him to suffer but im doing everything in my power to not give her any cash. Im sure she will flip but two can play that game.

As for custody I will get some legal advice on this one. I don’t want it to get to this point but she’s the only one who can help.

She had a doctors appointment yesterday about her ongoing heart problem and i asked her if she’d told the doctor about the coke to which despite me catching her completely denied she’d done it.

[b8988]

Unfortunately addicts lie continuously even when confronted with evidence then when they can’t lie anymore they down play it or pass the blame.

That’s a good idea about paying over the phone that way she can’t throw it in your face that they couldn’t go.

It’s an awful time but having gone through it myself I can say it does get better but for that to happen you need to step out and refuse to play a part of it anymore.

Good luck with everything.

[dave-mk1]

Hi.

When you say it does get better. Are we talking about her finally realizing that she needs help or she justs tells me to f off and she gets on with it?

[b8988]

No I mean when I was going through it all I could never see an end. I just assumes that’s how my life was going to be. I had to change how I reacted to my husband and stand firm against him, he turned it round for himself once I took a step back.

Just tell her you want to be with her but not until she chooses a life free from drugs, then the ball is in her court.

[dfh]

You need custody of your son. She cannot provide for him while she has an addiction and an inability to get him to school. Do whatever you need to do to make this happen

[dave-mk1]

Hi. On another note. She still has a key to the house. Its a private rented property for which i pay for all the bills. Obviously she’s not going to give me the key back but can i change the locks to stop her from coming in and possibly finding stuff to steal and sell for her habit or vandalising things which she knows are precious to me?

[dfh]

Well coming from someone in your shoes you absolutely need to get custody. Her sole purpose in the short term is going to be maintaining this habit. She can’t sort herself out unless she admits a problem and most definately can’t do it without intervention from professionals. From your point of view your responsibility is your son. She can only be responsible for herself right now. You have to sell the idea it’s best for your son and her if he’s at home. That her mum won’t figure it put if he stays with you etc.

I know exactly how you feel, I have 3 kids and an addict husband. I’ve just had to remove an entire overdraft to stop it from ending up spent and now having to do various weird things to safeguard property, vehicles and possessions. It’s madness. It never stops. I just do what I have to to keep family together and life as normal as possible. I try to keep family life and his antics separate so that family life goes on regardless and if he does silly stuff it doesn’t affect us too much. I call it damage limiting. You having your son limits damage to all of you, you can care for and distract him while his mum either gets help or self destruct. Either way he won’t be as affected than if he was watching it all unfold first hand.

Hope this helps

[dave-mk1]

Last week she went to a drug and alcohol group but refused to tell me what went on and just said it wasnt my problem! She took our son and had that few days away.

They came home to here from the break and she was expecting to move back in. Once the little one was in bed we spoke and i told her i just want to be part of the recovery process. It broke out into an arguement and today they’ve gone back to her mums. The look on his face when they walked out of the door was killing me. I dont understand why she wont open up about it! I wrote her a letter while they were away telling her how i feel. At least she couldn’t argue with a piece of paper. She rang me from her mums after reading it and said “thanks that was lovely” I told her again that i want to be part of it and keep me in the loop. She then went into one and about how nice her break was and im the one who makes her drink! Im lost now

[b8988]

Basically whist she’s in active addict you need to stop trying to understand any of her behaviour as it’s all bonkers. In the past I’ve poured my heart out to my husband and he’s took one little bit of say 10 paragraphs and twisted what he wanted and ignored the rest.

On Valentine’s Day last year I poured my heart out in pages of handwritten notes, pointing out how bad his behaviour is and how much it was killing me and his kids along with a wooden box with photos of us all throughout the years, hoping to trigger some kind of emotion out in him. He didn’t even respond. When he was feeling better and off drugs for a short while, he admitted that he didn’t feel anything and on reflection he thought it was sad!

They will only see our help as nagging. No criticism of any kind will be constructive. I know it’s hard but until they stop and some considerable time has past, you’re fighting a losing battle.

[dave-mk1]

Too right its bloody hard! She says she hasn’t touched a drop since being at her mums. I know her step father wont put up with her being drunk. She tells me that I’ve driven her to it but she enjoyed a good drink when we first met.

I know she only craves the coke when she’s drunk so im hoping her being there may make her think twice.

I keep kidding myself that she might be ok if she came back but i know she would be dying to say “do you mind if i just have a couple of glasses of wine?” Then of course the flood gates open.

[Author]

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