[sophmum]

My other half is an alcoholic. Every night after work he opens a can as soon as he gets home and can drink between 5 and 10 cans a night. We have 3 kids and it’s affecting our whole life.

He’s never been violent or anything but spends every night drinking downstairs and falls asleep on the sofa while I’m up with our youngest every night since she’s been born.

It’s affecting his job, he’s having time off more often. He’s leaving things on like an electric fire! Doors unlocked etc.

I can’t wake him up in the mornings for work and to take our eldest to school.

He can’t be bothered to go anywhere on a weekend just wants to stay at home all the time, which is miserable for us all.

I want to end things really but don’t want to ruin our family and make the kids lives more unhappy.

????

[dnanon]

Hi, have you spoken to him and told him how you feel and how it is affecting the whole family? Do you think he is aware of how much he is drinking or is he aware that he has got a problem with alcohol? You don’t say how long you have been together but you have three children so you should be able to have the conversation. There is lots of support out there for alcoholic addicts and family members. I wish you the best of luck.

[sophmum]

He knows, but doesn’t seem to change things. He’s on antidepressants anyway, as he’s been going through a tough time himself, he’s said things will improve when his head is sorted but I just don’t know if it will change…

We’ve been together 13 years, but the past 6 months (ish) things haven’t been right and we’ve drifted apart. Other things have happened to our relationship; when he’s been on the odd night out he’s gone on, that have affected how I feel about us as a couple. I feel almost pushed away.

Sorry to ramble! ????

[trainer28]

Hi Sophmum,

I can relate to how lonely this way of life can be, especially when you have children. Nobody thinks you’re lonely because your partner is with you but if you’re like me, you might feel like he’s there in body but not fully with you and ‘connected’ with you.

Also, have you told anyone you trust? That’s sometimes difficult because you may feel you’re betraying his trust.

I understand why you want to leave but if you do want to try and keep your family together, you could let him know what an impact this is having and tell him truthfully how you feel. You could offer to support him on a visit to the doctor and see how he responds?

Do you think working and being a dad has been hard for him to cope with? Or was he drinking like this beforehand?

[sophmum]

I’ve only told my best friend and also my parents (although they don’t know about his cheating in the past). He’s been to the doctor about his depression, but he would never go about his drinking I don’t think.

The drinking got worse when he lost his father 5 years ago.

His job is a huge part of it too, as it was his dads business before his and it is stressful as it’s all on him really.

I’ve said perhaps some CBT or something might benefit him, from personal experience I found it useful. But he won’t talk to anybody about it, sometimes he’ll talk to me after a few drinks but only says a little then shuts off. I try and address our family issues and he changes the subject, says I can’t talk about it at the moment or says ‘when I’m feeling better’ (he’s been off work for a few weeks with stress).

[trainer28]

That sounds like a similar situation to me a couple of years ago. They really do have to realise how bad it is themselves and decide to speak to someone about it. My partner went to the GP for various things but I had to speak for him then he’d stop me anyway, also he went to one cbt session then refused to go back. it’s so frustrating and until it came to a head a year later when I felt it was the end of the line for us (not as blackmail towards him but I actually felt it and he knew that) I would have left but he seemed to decide a couple of months later to get help.

You can only keep trying to talk to him gently and encouraging him to do something about it. Hopefully he’ll realise for himself soon that he needs support.

You mentioned cheating, that’s something I have put up with in the past from other partners and I couldn’t deal with that again.

It’s all a balance in deciding which life is more detrimental for your children.

[Author]

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