[harleyjane]

Where do people start their story?

My experiences, as a mother of a boy who has been abusing drugs and alcohol for the past 10 years, are probably no different from anyone else’s.

I have enabled, withdrawn, become bankrupt, homeless and am trying to start afresh in the remotest spot. And yet, I live in abject fear of my son killing himself, either by alcohol abuse or by suicide (his threats are a common occurrence). Calling emergency services is pretty much a weekly job. I just wish that someone had the insight to ‘section’ him.

I pity him, hate him, love him.

I have sought help for him, for myself and nothing has changed.

And the reason I have now joined this forum is because I have just returned from a 4 day trip with him and his son (1 year old) and am consumed with guilt because I couldn’t stand to be around his chaos, erratic behaviour, manipulation, stealing.

He has nothing – a bedsit he can barely afford, not able to hold down (or get) a job. Fairly obvious I guess. He has alienated his ‘friends’. I had half made up my mind to issue an ultimatum on my return – that I would not have a relationship with him unless he seeks help. But I know if I do this, I will feel worse. And I love him. I want to rescue him.

So, I am feeling the worst I ever have. And I recognise that this emotion is grief. I have lost my son. And I want him back.

[bt1978]

Hey Harley

Firstly you are really brave for sharing, and also I’m so sorry to read what you wrote that’s awful.

There are alot of string women on here in the same boat but at different stages, I’m hoping one can support you.

I’m a recon bering alcoholic and addict and have been where your son is. It’s possible to recover and rebuild, but something has to change in him to get there – usually a rock bottom or simply sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Grief is an awful thing to experience, but thinking about is logical as you have lost. Child at the moment – to addiction.

Getting sectioned is extremely tough in today’s world.

Do you think there is any remote chance he wants help? I’m worried about his son being around him in that state too

The suggestion about cutting ties with addicts is all good and well, but never that easy in real life especially if it’s a loved one. It reads as you are in this for the long haul so I suggest you get help and support whenever you can, it will help to get identification from people in the same boat.

[harleyjane]

Ummm. Well, he doesn’t actually want help. Because I think he is terrified of how his life will be without drugs (weed mostly but he uses coke when he has some cash flow; usually by taking on a drug line and failing miserably at it cos ‘profits’ go on alcohol, weed, more sniff)….I defy anyone to say that weed is not a problem drug and it has certainly contributed to his very poor mental health. He has been using since he was 14. In some ways I think he does want to get out of the spiral. For instance, he has promised to go to the doctor today for referrals but I can’t get hold of him -it’s benefits day too, so the odds are off.

I think I have a weird co dependency problem with him-I can’t be out of his life cos I love him madly and he can’t be without me cos his lifelines are now reduced to myself and his brother (who lives in Australia).

I worry about my grandchild-his mother is a little unstable too, but having spent time with him last week, he seems quite switched on and a gorgeous happy little chap. But, damage will come.

I just don’t know what to do. I have stopped money again. But I know by the end of the week there will be his despair and pleading and threatening his life

[kel1]

Hi Harleyjane,

Really heartbreaking reading your story, but really glad you’ve reached out here.

Firstly, codependency is a behavioural problem and essentially a reliance on another for approval! Well, you’re his mother and so id say you are trying to help/love/protect your son, so that definition and the instincts of a mother would be hard to differentiate! Chuck a bit of fear into that mix also! The reality is, you’re dealing with an addict and that will consume even the strongest of us.

Alcohol and cannabis are both categorized as a “depressant” which affects memory and emotion, hence the decline in mental health! Cocaine on the other hand is a stimulant, which will make an individual feel happy, excited, awake and confident, but oh the risks associated are:

Depressed/ anxiety/ paranoid and so on an so fourth – typically Calling them “come downs”. So no wonder your son is suffering with his mental health.

Mixing substances just makes it all worse! Cocaine literally can turn someone into a monster!

I agree with BT1978 in that he would need to get some help/ and want it! Rock bottom sure does have a basement! Where addiction is there is always heartbreak!

What about if you asked him if he would agree to having a chat with your local Drug and alcohol service? “Just a chat”. Failing that, it’s a waiting game, very unfair one but he will have to experience that time when he thinks “enough is enough”.

In my experience, and through my own observations the “tough love” call very rarely works out positively! I’ve seen people die thru this way of intervention, and although not anyone’s fault, it nevertheless never ever leaves a person should this happen! And psychologically you never really switch off anyway.

You can learn new ways to cope however, Al Anon are a good support service to learn more.

Sending warm wishes and hugs. We know it’s not easy and we understand that you are going thru your own kind of hell. Things can change, take it day to day and try to hold onto your sanity. Look after yourself with lots of self care and whatever you do DONT BLAME YOURSELF! X

[februarymarie]

Hello Harleyjane- your story of your son is my story with my son except that his is alcohol. You can read my story : Mother of Adult Alcoholic Son” a couple of weeks ago. I too, love, hate, and my son. It’s also down to just me as his support as he’s pushed all of his family away, it’s not something I really want. It’s exhausting. And he’s not really even talking to me that much. When he drinks, he lashes out at me and then I have to back off for a while. And yet, despite that- I still miss him! It’s craziness! Nothing I do or say changes anything. It’s so lonely where we are. People look at us and think, “Just get rid of them in your life!” I wish I could sometimes, but that would make me miserable too. I’ve lost the son I knew too. The grief is so painful. I can’t even look at pictures of him when he was younger- I just sob. When glimpses of my son come out, it’s so hard. You want to hope, but you know it just goes the same way it always does with him going back to alcohol.

I can’t even fathom that this could be how the rest of my life is, this pain. I thought you raised your kids, and sometimes it’s not easy, and then you have some peace and satisfaction later in life with them grown and living their own lives. At least that’s how it looks for many people I know and that makes me sad too.

Hopefully we can all support one another. xoxo

[Author]

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