[danman83]

So i have lapsed on cocaine again this saturday after 2 weeks. I even went to a hypnotist 2 week ago so thats not worked.

But this is what triggered it and im so pissed off! My girlfriends best mate came ours at 7pm sat.. pissed as a fart from a party in the day.. and she pulled out about 10 bags of coke in front of me, thats shes selling for some 1 today. That was it then all i could think of was that. I should of been stronger. I didnt get 1 off her my gf was going mad. But soon as she went i went out and found some 1 to get some off. I was doing great till she came. I didnt even want it or think about it. My gf said i should have more will power, but it is hard. I cut all these people out my life do all these new things then some1 who never ever does that whips 10 bags out. Its like your being tested all the time! Its horrible!

I had a bad come down some bits were i thought im better off not here, just so i dont have to have it ever again. I really dont want this stuff in my life anymore. I dont want my kids not to have a dad. Im back ok now, still feel a bit down.

But im going to come off here for about 5 week, i cant preach to anyone when im messing up my self. Im a hypocrite.

Im back reading in my cocaine recovery books, and im going to do some better plans for the next month. I want to get a good 5 week out the way. Ive told my gf take my phone and car keys off me from friday to sun now.

And im going to a meeting thur. I know im using only once every few week, but this stuff ruins familys and decent people.

[ash2013]

Don’t beat yourself up, you are stronger than you think.

Your gf should know better than to allow people in the house who have it/take it, let alone those willing to wave it in front of you. TBH I’d kill anyone who did that in my house in front of my husband who is a recovering addict. I was even mad when one of his mates came over the other day and had been using, although I know he didnt do any while here, as he couldnt wait to leave after a couple of hours!

Keep on the good path! You are better than this.

[danman83]

Thanks jules. Tbh she never ever pulls it out like that. It was just that day that guy gave it her to sell. But i went mad at her. Then shes saying to me. Have some will power. Its frustrating. I sat her down last night and explained again everyone is not the same. Im really going to up my game from now on. Thanks

[gil]

You are stronger than you think! You’ve offered so much to people on here.

It’s hard I get that. And your doing great only to be relapsing after wider spells. Don’t beat yourself up your trying and getting there slowly!

[danman83]

Cheers gill. Im coming off here for about a month tommorow. I really need to focus on getting a month out the way.

[chase666]

Hi mate.

We’ve never spoke but I’ve read lots of your replies on here to other people, you’ve been compassionate, helpful and understanding of addiction. Mine if different to yours, my poison is codeine, taken to numb my mental health issues.

Don’t see this as you’ve failed anything, relapse is all part of recovery, i’d put money on the fact that most people with addiction relapse. You’ve not failed, you’ve just had a hiccup.

Keep going man, you are doing great. Also – staying on here doesn’t make you a hypocrite, you can still help others.

[danman83]

Ive known a few people addicted to prescription drugs. And i can understand when i had tremadol once . That stuff is leathal. Do you get it off the doc then?

Have you seen a woman you tube called teal swan? Shes a young spiritualist and other things. But shes got loads of vids on you tube on addiction, mental health issues. And she talks so much sence and helps a great deal.

[chase666]

I get them off online pharmacies mate, all above board which makes things easier, I’ve done illicit stuff before and I can never be bothered with the hassle of getting it.

With this, I login and literally click re-order. I don’t even need to fill in the questionnaire that goes to the prescribing GP anymore.

Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check it out later, I’m currently having therapy for my mental health issues that are causing me to take the Codeine, the issue now is whilst I’m tapering, the anxiety is slowly coming back.

[retroheadz]

Danman83,

Don’t think relapse is failure because it isn’t, relapse is a sign of commitment to stop and without it you would simply be a user without direction.

Try to continue using this site as a therapy to you and the others you have helped because you have helped. I am certain that without this interaction you have had on this site you would have had a feeling of loneliness in your decease, so don’t stop posting for that reason.

Get as much professional help as you can and focus on helping others and it will help you.

Keep telling others of your progress goo or bad because it really helps.

I have relapsed more time than I can remember and it can only be done with HELP.

Good luck brother!

[danman83]

Thanks guys, your comments mean a lot. I think i am going to stay on now. It really does help me being on here as well ????

[hox]

Glad you are staying on Dan. You help a lot of folk and it does help you too being on here. Selfishly, we would miss you.

[danman83]

Its all one big vicious circle with most things. Most times its something in our past that has done this to us.

[chase666]

I agree mate. For me I had OCD when I was like 8, it went away for years but when I moved out with my girlfriend a few years ago it came back severely. I tried doctors numerous times, tried different anti depressants etc but nothing worked. In the end I tried codeine and it was like a switch, all the bad thoughts, the thoughts that had me ringing Samaritans at 4am saying I was going to kill myself had gone.

Luckily I have the most supportive fiancée in the world, without her I’d be dead.

[danman83]

Im on anti depres now. I think it because of the coke.

But what was making u depressed the ocd? Or something else?

[chase666]

OCD mate, the codeine hasn’t got a comedown really it just relaxes me and slows my thoughts down, that’s why I find it so hard to stop.

[brrwz]

You have been a great help to me, in seeing things from the other side. I know I don’t understand. But for someone to come in and wave it under your nose must of been difficult. This is a support network for you too, not just you providing help

[danman83]

It was diffucult ???? i just have to be stronger and be ready for next time.

Ive set reminders on my gf phone for friday 6pm and saturday 5pm for the next 5 week , for her to take my phone and car keys off me. This is just before i normally get it on every 3rd 4th week.

Hows your bf?

[brrwz]

I think that’s a good idea, it will help you as well.

He’s ok. We haven’t spoke much about it but he apologised and I’ve seen him since Saturday. I am still worried out of my mind, which isn’t just going to go away. Wish he was more honest with me though, like you seem to be with your partner!

[danman83]

So do you want to come off the codeine then pal? Or are you worried you will go back how you was before them?

[chase666]

Yeah mate, I’m tapering off but I’m shit scared of the anxiety again which makes it worse.

I want to come off as it’s not good being reliant on pills, they’re not cheap either, I can afford them each month but I could be doing something useful with the money. How are you feeling today?

[danman83]

Thats the problem with coke, it makes you lie like mad. Worrying is just going to make you ill. Your only young you need relax. But i guess its easier said than done really

[brrwz]

I want to suggest to him about going to groups, but most of them are god related and i dont know how he is going to take that. I am thinking of going to a family support group too

[danman83]

Im not into all that. But id just blank it all out. The 12 steps programme, what its called is about praying to a higher being.. it doesnt have to be god. It just helps i guess.

[brrwz]

That’s true, I hadn’t thought of that I guess. Won’t know what’s going to work until we try. Good luck to you too, please keep checking in

[danman83]

Im not too bad today pal. Im looking at plastering and tiling videos on you tube and looking in to learning this to keep me occupied.

Ive seen prices on some sites for pain killers. Your right they aint cheap.

[chase666]

Good idea man, I just bought a Mac, trying get back into producing house. Good to have hobbies and learn new things. Had a shit day today though, work was horrendous so I ended up taking loads more codeine than planned. Gutted to be honest.

[danman83]

Just try and not think about it mate. Whats a mac? Computer to make house music?

[chase666]

Yeah mate, just an Apple Mac, I used produce all the time when I was younger then real life got in the way. Figured it’d be a good hobby to pick back up. What do you find helpful to do when the cravings kick in

[rev]

Hi Danman

I’ve been reading your messages and you’re clearly a decent bloke, do you think its possible to get clean for say a few months and then only take it once every few months without calling it a relapse? I’ve currently gone to great lengths to make sure all but one contact can get it and he’s family so he has my best interests at heart. We’ve agreed he leaves it longer between times until at least 3 months has passed. After which I would like to let loose once in a while or at least know I can rather than thinking I can never experience it again.

What’s your opinion?

[danman83]

I know what your saying and you have got a point. But i just want shut. I got to 3 month once, thought i was ok then i went and got some.

I just want to be how i was before, to be able to go out and not want coke, no anxiety. But 3 month is better than 1 month then having a blow out. My mates say.. its only once a month, everyone has a blow out and that. But ive just had enough.lol

[rev]

I get what you’re saying mate, if you have had enough than you’re 95 percent there, the way I see it is you have a blip just look back to how much you had at your worst and as long as its better than that it’s still positive. I would love to think nah over it, you are definitely close mate

[danman83]

So how often are you having it then mate?

[danman83]

Cheers hox. Looks like the hypnotherapy didnt work lol

[hox]

Looks like you were put in the worst situation though, with friends like that I wouldn’t like to see your enemies.

Keep going Dan.

[red1984]

How do you stop… how do you go from having a routine of doing cocaine to stopping…. how do you not do it when you really want it

[red1984]

I mean as in how do u stop yourself from getting it cos its in your head and you want it x

[danman83]

Theres a technique you can do called the 3 Ds.. delay.. distract.. do…..

Cravings usual last 30 min… so when you get them.. tell your self to delay it for 30 mins..

Distract it with.. excersise, read, walk, listen to music, decorate. Anything you want..

And then do it!

Then they do go. But they will come back again later and do the same again. Just try and stay positive.

Or you can treat it as an abusive ex who wants get back with you… but just keep telling that voice in your head… its over! You have caused me not but trouble its over! Sounds stupid but they do work

[red1984]

You know what… that doesnt sound stupid at all … i have never thought of it like that.

I like the 3 d’s too that is good delay for 30 distract your mind … it is hard the craving of wanting to do it but knowing you dont need to but then ya head says oh sod it im getting some. Also routine of doing it say u do it every friday for example this is now a routine and friday comes … u end up getting it again. Its so hard. I went to a meeting tonight and would love to stop but find it hard. Thank you for your advice

[danman83]

Whats your story anyway red1984? How much are you having a week and spending?

[red1984]

Sorry babe Ive only just seen your reply now, been at work today.

My story … give me half hour and i reply properly. X

[red1984]

Hey Dan .. I spend about 200 a week i reckon… dont do it every day but more than i should obviously. Whats your story babe have u completely stopped and did u just do coke? Thats all ive ever done but doing that is fucking bad enough… just finding it hard to not have it x

[danman83]

My gf takes my phone off me fri and sat now. Im.determained to beat this. Ive really had enough.

Just get a notepad and write some things you can do, hobbie wise. Plan ahead.

You are going to lapse. Dont worry about it and carry on using, get back to your goals and get back on track. It will make you stronger and its all apart of recovery. Dont panic. Download an app called pocket rehab its for addicts and its great.

[red1984]

Ok thank you i will download that now… thank u for your help and advice x

[danman83]

Thats good pal. I used have some decs but i was useless haha.

Id personally write a list down. Keep in on you all the time. Mines in my phone case. And when you get them do 1 of them that you can do there.

I listen to podcast to keep my mind off them. I like listening to karl pilkington and ricky gervais. And some cocaine addiction recovery stories on you tube. Or read a book.

Or just repeat something in your head till they go away. A random word or something

[ynot1962]

Just read your post my friend! Apologies as I’ve just come on here tonight and you’ve been chatting away to me!

Thank you for your interest and support

I see what you’re saying and I’m exactly the same …. it’s reassuring that other people are feeling the same problems as yourself

It’s been good tonight to talk about this life changing problem to others that are experiencing the same feelings and life conditions

Thank you

Now I have to go back to work tomorrow and try and save the job I’ve only just started due to my time off …. not good

[danman83]

8 years about on and off.. was going out mainly using. But then i was obviously addicted so it came home with me when i stopped going out.

Im having it about once every 3 to 4 week. The start of the year it was 2 month. Then a month. And so on.

Ye just coke now

Use be weed as a teenager. But i dont smoke or out now.

[red1984]

Yep i was exactly the same started in my party nightclub days… then like u said after time comes home with u. So how did u cut down. Was u doing it alot at ya worst? I find it hard being indoors bored… then i think sod it ill get abit… gotta snap out of that way of thinking ya no

[danman83]

It seems to like the end of the month or week comes and i need a blow out. Because its the weekend.

Its really i get 1 bag. Then 2.. then am texting people at 4am for it. And they dont even do it lol. Because ive deleted everyones number .

[red1984]

Yep i no the feeling been there done that worn the t shirt. How did u stop and if u do it now like u said here and there …how do u control it to keep it to a minimum as in once a month or whatever. Im finding it hard to start this quitting. The hardest part is stopping to start with … whats the answer xx

[danman83]

Are you on it now? Lol

Cut yourself off from everyone. Swap bad habbits for good ones.

Write on a piece of paper in 2 colomns..

Pros of cocaine and negatives of taking cocaine.

You probably will only have 1 positive.probably. Things like this.. make you more aware of your addiction. And it does help.

[red1984]

On it now as in right now or in general still take it here and there?

Im not on it tonight if that is what u meant,No not right now. I do have some in the week but make sure im in bed by 12 ish if so cos of getting up for work. So i dont have mad ones if i do it in the week

But i try to stick to weekends and not week nights… but even that i cant cut it out completely… so i dont do it every day obviously and never really have but at least 3 – 4 times in 7 days ( a week)

I wanna try cut out week nights completely cos if im honest … its pointless in the week … why am i doing it. The 2 / 3 nights i dont get it is due to money really and also cos ive hern busy at work and knackered. So like tonight i havent had any but i kept myself busy this evening got in at 6pm fed and took dog out then did a few chores indoors like washing hoovering etc. Now ready to get a good sleep tonight. But if i came in from work and didnt get on with housework etc i would of sat down bored and got some…. again would he pointless but i still do. I would love to find a solution for the initial start of giving up but also getting rid of that feeling that thinks sod it im getting some … its hard x

[red1984]

I like the suggestion of writing down the pros and cons. Already sitting here thinkinf of all then negatives of it. There is no pros to doing write cos there is actually nothing at all good about it x

[danman83]

The only prob is that from the1st buz from a line or key pushes all the negatives to one side, and makes you buy it for that 1 little positive

[danman83]

Were in uk u from.mate?

[red1984]

Yep your so right… its hard isn’t it… but its all about keeping busy, positive thinking and will power.

Yes i am i live in essex how about u dan?

[danman83]

Manchester mate.. im locking my phone away tonight so i get a week out the way of using lol

[sueboo]

I think your extremely brave to post your problem (s) on here I really do it isn’t easy or a walk in the park but I feel we can support each other through this… I genuinely don’t think there is enough support regarding alcohol and drug addiction it is a lot more common than anyone can imagine and trying to come off the white powder is practically impossible…. I feel your pain, I have a very stressful job which sometimes as pathetic as this sounds it drives me to drink which then goes alongside with the devils drug- cocaine. People say oh people are silly doing that your killing yourself but it’s not as easy as that stopping… it’s been 10 years since I did my first line and I’ve battled ever since with my drug addiction resulting in ending my relationship with my partner… who do we go for to help us? Seems like we’re on our own?

[danman83]

Each other i guess lol. Or meetings but ive not been to one yet. I wanted to go yesturday night. But i work nights and my gf works late. So i have the kids and cant go.

Its just your brain making an excuse really that you need it because of your job. Its about coping mechanisms. But i know its hard. Its like the devil on your shoulder.

How much are u having and how often?

[Author]

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