[joemily]

My partner has gone missing again which means he’s relapsed and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m getting to a place where I think I just need to go but I love and care for him so much it’s so difficult. It’s just exhausting having to deal with this all the time and wonder when the next lapse will be 🙁

[danman83]

Has he come back?

[joemily]

Yes and it appears he may actually have legitimately been busy. Obviously difficult to know what to believe and I instantly jump to thinking he’s off doing that but he didn’t seem like he was on it.. obviously there’s every chance he was lying but this time I am inclined to believe him..

[hox]

It is hard to know if they have relapsed. They can be experts at lying and manipulation because of the embarrassment they feel after sniffing the stuff. Not all are like Dan and are desperate to give up the coke.

[joemily]

I know, he does want to give up and has been trying, my default is to not believe him but last night seemed different, I’m still taking it with a pinch of salt and am aware that he could be lying!

[hox]

All you can do is hang in there. If he’s lying he is doing it to himself as well. I do wish you both well. It is a life of hell with cocaine on both sides, the user and the partner.

[amski12]

I feel like I’m reading my own thoughts reading this…

I’ve found over the years I’ve sent myself mad second guessing his every move and not wanting let my guard down so much so I think I’ve gone too far in my own head I need to learn to trust again (altogether) however I was in long relationship when I was younger and was treated so bad I already have trust issues…

What I’ve learnt is that if he does do it and isn’t honest with me there’s really nothing I can do about it but once I realise we’re not moving forward then go from there…

I’ve tried to be a bit calmer with him in the hoping he might open up to me when he’s struggling and ask for help as apposed to hiding it

Only you will know your limits and what to do going forward…

Hopefully things work out for you and your partner 🙂

[joemily]

Thank you for your message. It’s a hellish situation isn’t it because you want to believe them but they break your trust down so much and it takes time to build it back up and in my experience we start to build it back again and then something else happens and it’s just such a rollercoaster. He’s just gone to a meeting now so hopefully if he did relapse and not tell me he will at least talk to them about it.. but we will see!

I’ve also tried to be calmer and more understanding but the thing that angers me the most is when he acts like such a victim and it may be wrong but I can’t help but think no you’re the one doing this and putting me through hell!

[amski12]

I’m totally with you there with the trust and the anger…

I had a conversation with my ex earlier (we have kids) and I asked when the last time was he said a couple of days ago then went in to say because of something I’d said (think I had told him I think we’re pretty much done) so I was furious and said you can’t blame me which I don’t think he was blaming me at all just trying to explain why he felt down and turned to it…

I now try to take a step back when I start thinking why would you do that because I would never treat someone this way because I’m not in his position, I don’t have the cravings and can only imagine the hell he must go through in his own mind…

I’m now at a pin t though we’re i’ve had to completely come away from him and take a massive step back because he isn’t doing any meeting or appointments yet, he’s (in my opinion) not there yet..

I think it’s great your partner is and if he has slipped up at least he’s on the right track, getting the help he needs – he probably will lapse from time to time but as long as the want for help and want to get better is there then he’s on the right road…

You make sure you’re looking after yourself, that’s what I didn’t do and had such bad anxiety and panic attacks I was heading into a bad place myself, nearly gave up my job (which i love) wasn’t the best mum for my kids so I had no other option but to pull away and sort myself out…

Good luck to you both

[joemily]

I know obviously we don’t understand how difficult it must be for them etc etc but I feel like he gets annoyed with me when I don’t trust him and when I think he’s lying to me but then I think you’ve done that not me.. if I double and triple check that he will pick me up from somewhere it’s only because he’s let me down so many times..

I think we have a long road ahead of us and last night I thought I had to call it quits because it’s breaking me and now I’m not sure.

I love him and I want to help and support him but at what cost..

This is what I have to work out and only really I can do that, just helps to talk to other people in similar positions so I don’t feel quite as alone.

[amski12]

I’m going through the exact same it’s like the rare occasion you get some truth they get pissed off you don’t believe them like the countless lies beforehand mean nothing (boy who cried wolf) I tell him now though regardless of whether you’re telling. Me the truth you’ve lied that much you have to bare with me while I learn to trust you again, I tell him that he’s broken down everything. With me it’s a hell of lot more than a sudden truth that’ll fix it…

Maybe you should take a bit of time to yourself to build yourself back up again! I feel I was where you are now a few months ago (he’s had a problem for a few years but it’s accelerated the past 2/3 years) I think I’ve kind of been through so many different ways of handling it all I’ve had to walk away till her gets help… he’s not doing anything at the minute to get help…

He has to appreciate this from your pint of view also, he’s putting you through so much and expecting you to be there he also needs to support you…

I only joined this last week and it’s helped me so much talking to other people that are going through the same and people who are the ones with a problem and understanding it from their perspective – it’s helping me know how to kind of be towards him

And how to try and point him in the right direction…

You really really do need to put yourself first now, make sure you’re ok as a priority – my mental health was declining rapid I was prescribed anti depressants took one and decided no thisnisnt me, my Mum has suffered the past 20+ years with her mental health and lead to drink, from being about 14 I’ve gone through that with her too and I promised myself I would never ever allow myself to be depressed (not as easy as that) but being so young and seeing what I did with my

Mum I am not going there I refuse and I’m not doing it to my kids (I know she couldn’t/can’t help it) so as soon as I saw my mum in my reflection I drew the line and put myself first – since doing that I feel I can support him

More, and stick to boundaries…

Sorry to waffle I just hope telling you what I’ve gone/ going through may help…

[joemily]

You’re not waffling at all and I really appreciate you sharing. At the moment I’m kind of at a point where I’m going to see how things go over the next few weeks to month with him attending five meetings a week.

I’ve got a holiday booked with my friend at the beginning of July, I was really worried about booking it but then I thought no I need to do it and if he lapses while I’m away then it is what it is. I can’t babysit him and I need to give myself a break as well. I’ve spent nearly a year supporting him both financially and emotionally and it’s really taking it’s toll.

I suffer with depression and anxiety anyway and have been going to counselling and am on antidepressants so unfortunately that’s nothing new for me – I don’t want this to make it worse though as I was actually at a point where I felt I could come off my tablets and I still want to do that.

Talking it through with other people on here, both addicts and family members does really help, it’s just knowing you’re not alone I think because it is a very lonely thing I’ve realised!

[georgia26]

get some cocaine tests from amazon and test him, as he could be lying – they are good liars.

i went through this too (still am) just less now.

addicts are brilliant manipulators and make you feel like youre going mad – youre absolutely not. It took me 6 months to start trusting again, the thought of no trust and panicking when they dont answer the phone is horrendous, it makes me feel sick thinking about it. I used to think it was my fault i wasnt good enough etc

its hard to stay calm isnt it? i have learnt that there is no point getting angry because it has the opposite affect.

my bf lapsed again on wednesday last week after 6 months, sometimes i think, wow, is this going to be my life forever..

my bf tends to lapse when things get tough, his anxiety builds up, hes addiction counselling has helped though, as he used to lapse every 2 weeks, he went 6 months without drink or drugs.

I feel so sorry for anyone going through this, its absolute HELL.

sending love to you allxx

[joemily]

Do they work? I read somewhere they’re not 100% but I will give them a go if you recommend! It’s when they don’t come home when they said they would and you can’t get hold of them isn’t it because it’s gone past the point of me thinking there could be a reason, I just automatically think he’s lapsed again. He was upset with me on Saturday night but understood why I suspected. He could have been lying on Saturday of course, I never really know do I.

I keep thinking is this my life now and it’s so hard knowing whether to stick with it or cut my losses but I really love and care for him. It is hell trying to deal with it and still function as a normal person. He is going to look into counselling but at the moment he is attending regular meetings which hopefully will start to help him.

Thank you and love to you too xxx

[danman83]

Thats sounds good then, if he hasnt. I neally lapsed last night but i never. It was in my head every hour to get some. But i never. And im so glad i never .

[joemily]

Well done! You should feel really good about yourself if you managed not to give in. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to fight against it

[amski12]

That’s really good!! You should feel so proud of yourself 🙂

[danman83]

If i have a nap on the couch i wake up wanting it sometimes.. just to wake me up.. i told my gf i need her to help me.. and take my phone off me friday and sat night.. but she never this weekend. But if i log back into facebook. She soon makes me delete my account again. Am sure she wants me to fuk up

[joemily]

Why do you think she wants you to mess up?

[danman83]

Prob because she thinks i will.. and then she can say ive heard it all before, the next day when i say.. thats it im not doing it again.. or she probably just forgets lol

[joemily]

Why don’t you speak to her? Tell her what you think and let her explain. It’s more likely that she’s just forgotten to do it than she’s doing it on purpose isn’t it?

[danman83]

I have done. She said she has forgotten. But if it was the other way round i would be taking it off her straight away..

Shes not really suportive anyway. And i dont blame her tbh. But i dont hear it for days if i do use.. but shes had it with me aswell

[joemily]

It’s difficult because being in her position I understand and it’s so hard because of course you don’t forget the times you get let down and they tend to take over the good times. I guess yeah she could support you more but then if she’s supported a lot and been let down maybe she just feels she can’t keep doing it..

[hox]

Well done Dan. Glad you stopped yourself. You know you can do it even if its on your own. Give your gf the phone on friday don’t wait to be asked for it.

[danman83]

Ye true.. but if she wants us go her mates and i say no.. because they will be doing coke.. she has said.. its ok as long as your not doing it in the house on your own.and i end up going. But i should just have more will power and stay at home

[joemily]

Yeah that’s not good, if you’re telling her you don’t want to be there because it will tempt you she should support that and appreciate that you’re being sensible!

[amski12]

I was the same, I withdrew myself never wanted to go out because I knew that was his opportunity, then same decided enough is enough it’s taken over his life it can’t consume mine too…

You will get there and what you decide to do long term you know you’ve done your absolute best!

I too feel it’s so nice to be able to bare all without any judgement, I’m quite fortunate to have very understand friends and family that are so so supportive and don’t judge, but it’s so helpful being on here like you said knowing you’re not alone is helping so much, it’s so sad there are so many

People going through this…

You will get there 100% you sound determined and driven! Try your best to keep positive and get yourself well – look after yourself and have an amazing holiday 🙂

It sounds like your partner really is trying and like you said what will be will be we can’t control them and can only hope they can pull through it…

[joemily]

Yes unfortunately I don’t feel able to talk to anyone about it really. They probably would be understanding but I just really struggle so I keep it all inside which isn’t healthy. I was part of another forum but one person in particular on there upset me more, her son was the user and she was basically saying that I could just leave my partner so it’s fine for me and it felt almost like she was blaming me when she kept saying I was enabling him so I don’t post on there anymore. I know she probably meant to help and tough love etc but for me that wasn’t helpful and is exactly the reason why I don’t tell my friends and family because I don’t want to be told to just leave him!

The other problem is his parents don’t want to know and he doesn’t really have any close friends to turn to so I am really all he’s got which is a lot of pressure. I’m hoping when he builds up more contacts and support at CA he will start to get there, they’re undoubtedly better support than me just because they do actually understand what he’s going through.

I hope your husband realises sooner rather than later what he will lose by losing you and gets himself some help but in the meantime feel free to talk to me anytime, it’s really helped me to hear your experience and know that someone else is going through a very similar thing so thank you x

[jb500]

How regularly does he go AWOL?

[joemily]

Not every often anymore – it used to be fairly regularly and this was before he admitted he was an addict. Now the last time was March before last weekend when he disappeared all night.

[joemily]

Not every often anymore – it used to be fairly regularly and this was before he admitted what was going on. Now the last time was March before last weekend when he disappeared all night.

[georgia26]

yes they work – they are the ones the police use. I know it seems a bit much but honestly its worth it, if you have a suspicion test them.

Oh god, honestly you sound like me.. its as though i am writing – as soon as my BF went out i went into panic mode, would call after 10 mins if he didnt answer i would have meltdown.

It really affected me mentally, my anxiety was just awful..

google addiction counselling, hopefully someone can help your OH.

[joemily]

Okay I will have a look thank you! At least it will put my mind at rest and I think he will understand that..

Yeah that’s how I feel when I can’t get hold of him. I have his location but obviously he just turns his phone off or ‘it goes dead’ which is when I worry.. everytime I go out I message him constantly to check up on him and it’s horrendous, I hate it.

I will have a look into that thank you!

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