[carlb]

Since getting clean there are good days and bad days.

On a bad day everything is so much harder to deal with. The shame and guilt eats you up inside and the more people tell you how proud they are that you got sober just increases this. You can’t shake the thought of yourself as a junkie and a failure and if the most people hope for you is to stay clean it doesn’t make you feel worth anything.

On top of this dealing with other people moaning behind each others backs and generally being negative towards any situation when there are others dealing with real bad issues in silent dignity bores a hole in your soul.

Empathy is a gift but when it becomes overbearing then you become consumed by the pain of others. All of these factors are strong reasons why i used and make relaspse a genuine concern everyday.

Then there is the physical pain from long term abuse…pain along the circulatory system and old injection sites. Unbeatable headaches, joint and muscle pain…all driving you to relaspe.

I get a lot of prejudice from healthcare professionals when they discover I am an addict in recovery. Dismissing my mental health as caused by substance abuse despite mental health issues leading me and many others to self medicate in the first place.

You end up struggling through a day that just keeps going since being sober until you can crawl into bed until the next day starts the whole cycle off again.

Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worthwhile to put that extra cross on the calendar…another day beaten.

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