[jamesb]

Hi everyone, this would be my second actual post on here although I couldn’t count the times I’ve sat and wrote pages and pages and decided to delete it all.

The good news is guess is in terms of my addiction and problems, honestly for the first time in best part of 10 years I feel in a good place. It’s like something has finally switched in my head and I feel like the poisen I’ve been using has no place in my life. Anyone who has been through addiction will probably know what I mean. I’ve told myself 1000 times that’s it, I’m done, but for some reason and I can’t explain it. This feels different.

The issue now is, and the reason for this post. Is the aftermath and trail of destruction I’ve left behind.

I’ve comes clean to my partner and told her everything. This isn’t the first time I’ve admitted things but I always carried on and found new ways to hide it.

Despite the hurt and the lies and all of the bad things I have done I honestly, hand in my heart, love my girlfriend and I know some people may not understand but it’s always been like there’s 2 people in me. The normal person who I portray and the dark secret person who lies, steals, manipulates and has been gripped by cocaine for as long as I can remember.

My girlfriend now, and I can’t blame her, is so hurt by everything and learning that so many things have been a lie doesn’t think she can every forgive me and to be honest I think we are over.

In my heart I completely understand and from outside looking in I know she deserves better.

But nothing I ever did was ever intentionally to hurt her, I despise myself for what I’ve put her through over the years and knowing the life we could of had by now considering the money I’ve hidden and wasted and I mean probably close to 100k I wouldn’t blame anyone for hating me.

But I know that I have so much love to give her, so much happiness to offer and this time completely free of this dark secret.

Selfishly of course I don’t think I could cope without her. Not in a possessive way, but I mean that she literally is the only thing in my life worth fighting for and I know it sounds pathetic because I’ve lied to her for years but without her I know that the drugs would eventually ruin me.

We have a 4 month daughter now too and I want to be the man I have always pretended to be and the man they deserve but am I being selfish to expect her to give me a chance after everything or do I have to accept this is my own fault and its too late?

There’s so much more I want to say but I guess that’s the short version.

If I could go back and do everything again and warn myself of how bad things get when at first it seemed so minor and innocent I would because imagine finally having everything you’ve ever wanted to have to watch it slip away for the one part of you that already has caused so much damage

[stan4]

I understand this. I feel this. I have been declining into a cocaine/drinking habit for years now.

I worked in the city as a broker in my 20s and I lived the high life – I found it easy to get on it, and easy to get off. Not now.

My beautiful wife and children, now 21, 16 and 15, are starting to see through me. My wife is desperate to keep our family alive but she knows she’s battling against my cocaine addiction.

I’ve always been very well paid and made good financial decisions but that is changing. I reckon I’ve blown £50k in the last 6 months.

Worst thing is, I did coke again today. I’m not sure why, it just happened.

I am a good person. But I am a flawed. And I am on danger of destroying everyone around me.

I do hope you get a chance to put things right.

[llm888]

James how did you do it ? The decision I mean. Also how have you got off it and staying off it did you get professional help? My boyfriend is addicted to coke and I am the person who is being lied to and getting heartbroken so I can see both sides.

If your wife/girlfriend loves you please keep that in your mind and continue to stay clean and rebuild her trust.

I would love for my boyfriend to be where you are now. He has nothing he has spent and does spend all his money on coke and luckily he and I are not financially connected otherwise I would be ruined as well.

You sound. So determined and I truly hope you can put things right for you and your family and it’s the end of the addiction for you and stay strong. It’s so great that you have told your story and if you ever want to ask any question from her side of the story feel free to reach out to me 🙂 also any advice you could give me to help my boyfriend I would much appreciate thank you

[jamesb]

Hiya, thankyou for your kind words and thank you for responding.

In all honesty Id love to give you a story or a reason as to why all of a sudden I’ve been able to stay off it recently but I can’t. I honestly don’t know. The reason I say that is because there has been countless times ive been at ‘rock bottom’ my and I’ve sworn to myself or others that I’d never touch it again and I always did. That’s the scariest part about the addiction. The people who are really suffering are torn between wanting so bad to never think of coke again but the devil inside of them has such a tight grip. There’s so many genuine scientific reasons why this is and ways cocaine chemically alters a person’s way of thinking and tricks them into forgetting all the hurt so that they keep going back and I’d recommend anyone who is being affected by a partner or loved ones addiction to really research addiction and try to understand that the person who is addicted is probably fighting daily with an illness they have no control over.

With that being said, it probably sounds silly for me or anyone to say that they feel like they have ‘broken free’ given the fact that I and most of us have time and time again slipped back to old habits unwillingly but i just feel different within myself. For example, for the first time I can remember I’m not thinking about my next payday in a week or so as in “who can I tick from now because its close enough to payday to get tick” but more like I can’t wait to see what a months pay feels like without buying gear or thinking about even I’m actually going to buy myself some new trainers that I’ve needed now for months. Because even though trainers cost like £50 I’d not want to buy any but would think nothing of blowing 1000 in the first week of being paid on coke.

To get back to things that can help you…

How is your boyfriends standard of living? Does he somehow always seem to get by even when he’s blown everything on coke? Does he regret or show that he wants to give up? Has it affected any friendships? Or relationship? His work? Anything like that?

Is he besides the addition a good person / boyfriend?

The thing I’ve found is that he may of like me got to a point where he manages to always survive and even though he may hate the part of him that’s addicted he still has everything he needs around him so the good part of him that is the decent person hasn’t been forced yet to fight off the evil part and the addiction.

I have so many things I’d love to ask you for the girlfriends point of view like for example, why do Partners stay with someone who is treating them so bad when they know what they are doing but then equally (in some cases) seem to not want to help them over come the addiction and instead create a cat and mouse situation where they are always trying to catch them out or find evidence they are lying? Not saying you do that but I feel alot of guys have that scenario.

Ultimately the only 2 things that will put a stop to addiction in my opinion are. The person really wanting to stop. And having support from the person they care about most.

Sorry for the long message but it’s nice to talk about this with someone from the other side.

I hope you’re okay and if there’s anything I can do to help you please let me known

[llm888]

Hey James thank you for your great reply to me.

Sorry this is a long one 🙂

I am so happy to read this post your positivity is so inspiring.

I have done so much reading up and watched so many videos on addiction and I am so interested in it I guess to try to get an understanding and to see how I can help.

In terms of his situation. Well I guess he’s scraping by really everything has been effected by it in every aspect of his life. He has a job where if he got tested he would be sacked immediately and from time to time they do test so what he does if he’s going to use he will book a Monday off and if no holiday he chances it. But in terms of his career it’s drinking as well that has held him back because when he uses he don’t get up in the morning but he has severe PTSD due to stuff that’s happened and he’s adopted so it’s all a big escape for him I think he needs help for his issues I think before the addiction.

For him his life is like a Merry go round it seems pattern of using and then the next day he is vile literally horrible, moody, snappy and I just know he’s hating himself on a big fat downer of self hate and gutted he spent all that money to feel that shite.

Don’t get me wrong James I know how hard addiction is but how I look at it is this

It over rides your brain and people don’t enable addicts ultimately it’s the addicts decision and yes I agree it’s an illness where it effects the brain and the thoughts but if you understand that is the case and acknowledge it your living proof you can change your decision to use.

That’s just my view and what do I know I have never taken a drug in my life and that’s the reason why I never will I have seen what it does to people.

So in answer to your question why do we stay?

Last year I did leave him for 4 months because he was so bad he just kept being vile and I love him but I don’t have to take that. He was devestated and he did still

stay in contact with me writing me letters promising he changed as well saying he’s getting help and he’s going to gym etc and honestly he is a lot better than he was but he’s still using 3-4 times a week for sure. I am here because he is a good man outside of that he can be lovely he’s generous and when he’s straight he’s loving and I feel sorry for him I guess and know it’s not him really.

I do not play cat and mouse it’s pointless because the only person who gets stressed and wound up would be me if I did that. I look at it like this it’s his life, his money, his job, not mine I take care of my own stuff I have my own home good job and life money etc I don’t give him money he would never except it or ask anyway as he is a very proud man. I look after my own well-being doing things I love and enjoy and when he and I spend time together we try to enjoy it. I know he did it this weekend Friday night he did some he thinks I don’t know which is silly because he goes to the loo a lot lol sniffs a lot nose running he’s extra chatty lol I watched him when he was acting strange and I knew he was getting stuff dropped off and put in his car wheel. The story about having to move his car etc all lies.

I seen it all really but I looked at it that when he came over he had every intention not to sniff gear but had a few drinks which we know is fatal then had to have it.

He didn’t do anything yesterday he gone home now and I am pretty sure he may use tonight. He might not he’s calling me later so I will know.

But he’s a grown man I am here for him if he wants support or help to stop but outside of that he has to want to do it himself ah

I have read about giving them ultimatums like stop or I am leaving I haven’t done that but I did leave last year.

I worry though about the health side of it there have been a couple of times when I thought he was going to die, his heart is thumping so hard and fast it’s scary and one night his whole lips went blue I thought this is it he’s going to have a heart attack. Awful

The other thing I notice is he has trouble sometimes with his memory he has blanks that’s all the time not just when he’s using it.

He also suffers from problems in the man department which is because of the effects on his vascular system and it can become permanent which is such a worry is coke worth it ??? I ask myself to not have a healthy sex life ever again that should be motivation for anyone to not ever use coke again surely?

Anyway I am rattling on

Honestly ask me anything you want to know it is so helpful to me to understand better

Thank you James xx

[notmyrealname]

I’m glad that you are having this great realisation and I’m sad for you that it’s so late in the situation.

I’m sure your girlfriend does love you but with a small baby she is probably struggling to cope as it is and maybe at the moment she feels like she can’t look after you aswell. Maybe you need to give her some time to prove you can keep this up and she probably feels like she’s the one that needs support at the moment.

when you have a new baby you start thinking about the future, how it’s life is going to be and how your life will be together and how your relationship will affect the child, as a mother all this stuff so far in the future goes through your mind.

Even though she could maybe cope with it for just you two the situation changed when you bring a baby into it. She just wants the best for your baby and is probably worried that you won’t keep this up and scared what it will mean for the baby.

Well done for getting where you are. I understand your upset but I think you are going to have to give it some time. After all the years anyway surely you can give her a bit of time to get her head around all this.

For me its not a case of trying to catch them out but all of your lies make us doubt ourselves so much and make us feel like we are going mad.

(Speaking of mom of two kids with addict dad who has put us in financial difficulties more than once due to cocaine debts.)

[Author]

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