[himbeere]

Hello all. My husband has been taken cocaine for nearly 20 years, but it is always a weekend thing. But now he is 37, I think he is addicted to it. He took it at the week day and miss work. He doesn’t take it daily and sometime once a month but sometimes once a week. He always say he regrets it so much afterwards, but this terrible thing just controls him. Not sure if I should be glad that he is not daily uses, but I just can not see the hope as he keeps saying he will stop but never stops.

It is scary when he is on it as the thing he said is just so hurtful and the disappearing and the lies. So I wonder has anyone’s beloved really managed to stop it, so perhaps we can have some hope or advise as in how to help them and be positive about life?

Thank you all and take care! xx

[chezza123]

It’s crack with my partner and I really can’t answer your question. I wish I could. My experience has gotten worse with his disappearing acts and blowing vast amounts of money then having nothing for the rest of the month. I found 2020 horrendous on top of everything else and in September it came to a head when his mother died and he couldn’t be found. Since then until Sunday he really behaved and I was killed into a false sense of security as out the blue he disappeared and so it begins. Back to square one not a penny and lies that it’s not gone on drugs but I know clearly it has just by looking at him he looks unhealthy and smelled etc. I’m in limbo at the minute with the promise it’s never going to happen again but I suspect it will and it’s how much as a person you can take because I can’t take much more. I’m not saying people don’t change but in my experience there’s a lot who don’t. I hope that you are ok I know how it feels stay close to family/friends to give YOU the support you deserve and need. Xxx

[notmyrealname]

Hi. I wonder if you could tell me when you say smelled do you mean just unwashed body smell or is there another smell people smell of specifically when they have been taking this? Thank you

[cxxx]

Reading these posts makes me feel like I’m not alone, why do they disappear I just don’t get it, it’s like he wants to be free to do drugs.

I can’t see anywhere out I wish I read up on it more 4 years ago cos I would of stayed away, to me there’s no happy ending if they get clean it’s a waiting game & in 2 years we’re back there again, I would rather be on my own for the rest of mylife than keep getting hurt by someone who is supposed to love me, I hope u get the strength to pull through

[cxxx]

I’m in the same situation been with my partner 4yrs split up for 3 months I thought he’d changed cos he was suicidle but things are worse, the lies disappearing every weekend I’m scared every day if he’s going to come home & he blames me, he’s blown about 30 grand in a year & I can’t help him I’m at a loss & wonder is it worth it? I need strength not to take him back cos I would love to no can anyone beat this addiction or is this our lives forever

[esta]

https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

The Love Over Addiction Podcast

[himbeere]

Thanks so much for your reply Chezza123, didn’t expect I can get a rely that quick at this late night. I really feel for you. I know we are not alone here, which is always a big help. But I also think we wish to hear someone could tell us with a successful story to keep us going! Although I know lots of them have no successful story. I just think perhaps even there is a little chance we could summarise what could help our beloved ones and what could help ourselves, so more and more people can be positive about life, as I am sure most of us here feel terrible and miserable about life at the moment.

Right now my husband is disappeared 4 days now, which has broke the record, he normally comes home after a night away.. I don’t know what will happen and what I will expect, I know I miss him despite everything. I am sure you have felt the same.how long has your partner been on and how often?Has he regretted of this reclapes ? Maybe he will keep trying? I know it sounds naive but I still hope/ wish I could hear some miracle saying it is possible..

Lots of love xx

[esta]

Hope it resolves

[drained-and-tired]

Hi esta,

I have just read through your post,

And I can honestly say I thought I had wrote it myself!

My partner of 8 years who I have just kicked out and got my locks changed because he was a living nightmare with hes IV coke addiction, the dissapearing acts for days on end, every weekend the same story, every day the same.

Worried sick all the time as to wether he was alive or dead, when the truth be known he was actually mixing with homeless people with bigger addictions than him. He was being used for hes car so he could score drugs.

He didn’t ever give me or our son a thought, how I was coping or how I was keeping the roof over our heads.

I got to the point where the same as you I was hiding hes habit and it became so tiring, making out to people that we was living our best life. When all I was doing was either sitting alone waiting for him to appear, or walking on egg shells waiting for him to be moody for the whole weekend.

I had had enough of him thinking that my home was just somewhere for him to lay hes head and eat free food, to then leave as soon as he had some rest and money.

I had holidays planned and nice times out but everytime it always gets ruined all because of there selfishness.

And untill you make the step to say you no longer are going to stand for it then they will carry on thinking that it is OK.

Hope your all OK xx

[esta]

it will go on as long as we except their behaviour.

We change our whole life to help them, and keep things going. Go without so many things.

The only thing that they change is their degrees of deceit and selfishness which gets bigger

I literally couldn’t be bothered anymore; so sick of being lied to. He could lie bare faced to the pope.

So past the humiliation.

So many times I had caught him out.

Don’t get me wrong I am crippled with emotion but life had to change

[cxxx]

I’m sorry your going through the same, I feel richer now, I took over his banking app to watch & cut the a card up on his other bank so he had savings but I found out he got an additional card sent to his mums & he spent the lot.

I’ve been on 3 holidays to show him what money can do but he has no concept of money I would be left with no money cos he uses my card & puts me overdrawn, the last straw was when my daughter tried to commit suicide & I was in hospital for 2 days & he used my card put me in debt got of his nut & I couldn’t find him to pick me up from hospital.

I had the sob story he couldn’t cope which I took him back but life was always about him & I was drained so much I didn’t notice my daughter struggling cos I was to buzy keeping his spirits up so he wouldn’t hit rock bottom, I hope u can all get through this but reading everyone’s post I don’t think they’ll ever change & we’ll all be saying the same feeling hurt drained scared in another 10 years time

[esta]

A marriage is meant to be a partnership, both on the same side looking out for each other.

Crack divides you completely.

[notmyrealname]

That’s what I hear everyone does it. I say no they don’t lots of people I know don’t do it. But then I start wondering actually if many people I know do it because he did so well to hide it from me for so long that how would I actually know if people I don’t even live with are doing it and just haven’t told me.

[himbeere]

Hi I can totally feel every single word you write. We miss our normal life, rather than living in worry and sadness.

To be fair, my husband hasn’t never been this bad until recently. He normally does it every perhaps 3 times a week. And he did it at home and then went to his friends house for a night then came back the next day, then stayed in bed for a day then normal again. But since this 2 weeks he just lost control and stayed in hotel 5 nights altogether. He never went to hotel so that’s a new thing. I trust he was there on his own, for now anyway.

But because of this time, I can see the worse coming. I can’t imagine what will be like in the future. But perhaps I’m silly I can’t give him up yet.

He gave me all his bank cards last night and Today is Mother’s Day. He got up to make me breakfast for my daughter, and went back to bed to sleep. So a little bit normality came back. I don’t know what to expect I only know I need try to be positive for the sake of myself before I gone mental. And hope for the best. If he doesn’t change then I need to prepare for the worst.

How’s your husband now?

[himbeere]

Sorry, he doesn’t use every 3 times a week. I meant to say once every 3 week..

[esta]

You are doing what you think is right

You know him best

It’s the worst thing ever when the person you love is in crisis

Every situation is different and you will know in your heart what to do

[drained-and-tired]

Exactly, they are such good lies, well so they like to think anyway!!

You get to a point where you are making lies up yourself for there behaviour, and you have to be careful you don’t slip up infront of friends or family. It is a living nightmare.

The stress side of it is unreal, not being able to sleep or relax, even down to putting the TV on, I lost all interest in watching anything because my mind was wondering wether he would be coming home for dinner, or going to work, or was he dead. The list is endless.

When I first met him I had savings, but over time through there addiction and laziness it was drained.

I would spend my nights cooking a nice meal, all for it to be thrown away or left on the side for days. You buy food shopping and nothing really gets eaten from the fridge, unless they are on a come down and don’t stop eating!

I literally used to dread being at work because I couldn’t switch off, because I’d normally have to leave early because he was either to high to collect our son, he didn’t have a phone, or he was zonked out in bed.

I could never get excited for anything, and I used to dread anyone inviting us to a party or even over someone’s house for a night in. Because in hes eyes that was game on to be a complete selfish d*ck.

I can honestly say the day I changed the locks and hes face when he couldn’t return to my house and just abuse it was the best, yes I was sad and at times I could have crumbled and let him in, but I had put up with this for longer than I ever should have.

Enough was enough, I wasn’t prepared for this to go on around me or my son anymore.

Like you said the absolute shame of your husband lying through hes teeth about still being at work, it’s so cringy! They honestly beleive there own lies.

And the “hes my mate” that classic, funny how he ain’t your mate when you ain’t got a family or roof over your head anymore!!

Xx

[esta]

Honestly it’s so nice to have insight into other peoples perspective

Sometimes we need to hear it or read it to get clarity

[esta]

it’s easy now to see the humour in some of the situations but at the time you are fuming!

It’s so hard to accept that things aren’t as they should be

[notmyrealname]

I’m glad you seem to be having a better day today. You are not silly, you sound kind and committed. What i find difficult is for me I wouldn’t like someone else to tell me what to do and guidance on everything but when someone makes these choices they seem to need someone else to be there all the time for guidance otherwise someone else comes along and gives them bad advice/options.

[himbeere]

Thanks for your encouragement. I guess it is just so hard to give up on our beloved ones. How about you? I didn’t see you write much about your experience.

[notmyrealname]

I only joined a couple days ago and I’m amazed how many people are living similar lives. When I first found out about the cocaine and realised how many things were lies I felt so shocked, disappointed and embarrassed. There have been so many empty promises. I honestly thought this was really rare what I was going through. I have confided in a close friend and also a family member who neither had experienced or knew anything about this situation. It’s hard for someone who hasn’t experienced any of this to believe or understand why we would put up with this kind of thing. But when you love someone you keep giving them these chances. Also you always find out after so long that it’s not that you can just give up. It’s really comforting to come on here and read how other people have dealt/are dealing with this and it’s people who actually understand the exact same situation.

[drained-and-tired]

Just having a read through and it seems to be a tough time for alot of us at the moment, and we are all in the same boat.

My partner is on a binge this week with cocaine, could be more I wouldn’t know, but he has disappeared all week, he said he was mugged and they took hes phone, so can’t even contact him. Have been worried sick all while he’s having the time of hes life getting high in some drug den. I find coming on here helps me when my emotions get the better of me. I just wish we could get through to them some how but it seems impossible. And the thing is when they finally re appear they share no remorse or anything. Well my partner doesn’t. He just sleeps for days and then is really moody and snappy and is looking to get hes next fix. Hope your all OK xx

[himbeere]

Yes you are not alone. We are all together somehow. For me at the moment it is not sad or angry. It is more feel like empty and hopeless. I want him come back home but when he’s home he just sleep for ages like you said.

Not sure if you won’t let him home until he has some sense, would it help? I don’t have many good ideas, but we just discuss here and hopefully, with all our ‘experience’ we can figure out what can help our husbands and ourselves. xx

[drained-and-tired]

My partner disappeared for 2 days came back on Wednesday evening, then disappeared Thursday morning again. All the time they have money or someone that is providing them with the fix then they will stay out. When all supplies run out that’s when they show there face again. I have spent most days and nights upset and worried for him to then just stroll through the door and not even explain what he’s been doing or where he has been. I am qt the point now where I am ready to pack hes things up and move on. If he doesn’t show he’s face by tonight then I will do. Like you say we are all.in simular situations and it does help to talk about it on here xx

[himbeere]

Have you tried to talk with him ever about his behaviour? Did he admit he caused damage? I more and more realise nothing we can do to help them, but themselves. If they don’t even realise they are terribly hurting us and wrong. Then they just won’t change or won’t worth us to be sad about. My husband hasn’t turned up yet. But no matter they show up their face or not. If they don’t even care about us when they are sober. Then no point for us to care about or worry about them. Keep strong! xx

[drained-and-tired]

I have tried talking with him and just get told to shut up or stop going on.

He has literally caused me so much stress the last week and to not be able to even contact him because he hasn’t hasn’t a phone is driving me insane.

The sad part is we are the ones worrying and talking about them, yet they probably havnt even given us one thought.

Xx

[himbeere]

Did your partner ever want to talk or want to stop?

If he doesn’t care then you have to try not care, although I know how hard it can be. No need to be insane about he’s having no phone, even he had phone, would he text you and say something to make you less worry? At first I feel so worried if my husband didn’t contact me, but the moment he’s not coming home we know what happened. I think we need to care about ourselves if they don’t care about us! xx

[drained-and-tired]

He says he wants to stop but he just doesn’t have it in him to know where to start. He was clean for 3 months a year ago. But it has just spiralled out of control, and he has disappeared this week. Like you say I shouldn’t worry myself as he clearly isn’t worried about me.

Has your husband returned yet? Or made contact? Do you know where he could be? Xx

[himbeere]

Maybe he needs to figure out what made him giving in after 3 months hard work? Since he made the first step which is always the hardest we thought?

Yes he just came back 1 hour ago and looked terrible. He said sorry and went to bed.. not sure what will happen. I only can try not to think about it and carry on life. and same to you. xx

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK. I’m 10 weeks clean today from cocaine. I’m 37 aswell and I’ve been using 11 years. You can use coke once a month and still be addicted.

If he’s been using 20 years, he is definitely addicted. You don’t have to be using everyday.

He will regret it afterwoods because it sends you depressed and suicidal for days after using.

Cocaine uses all your dopamine levels up in your brain and that’s why u come crashing down.

If he wants to stop, he needs to want to stop for himself not because u want him to. He needs to delete all dealers numbers, friends and family who use. Even get a new number. Come off all social media as you can message dealers on there.

I joined CA anonymous in Dec and I’ve been clean since its helped me so much. Would he join and go to meetings?

[himbeere]

Hi Danman83, I have been reading your post a lot! Thanks for replying. I am really happy for you that you seem doing really well. Seeing your success perhaps give me a little hope.

Yes you are right. And he is addicted surely. He always say he wants to stop and only himself can stop which is true. But I always feel he is not determined enough, as I think it needs a proper plan rather than saying ‘ I will stop’.

Thanks for your advice. He said even he delete the dealer number he still can find a way to do it if he wants to. And he didn’t think the drinking is the problem. It’s the craving.He gave me his debit card but it didn’t help much. He said he probably need something big to stop him. But I don’t know what is this big. He cares about his work a lot but he started to miss work.

He says he knows how much pain he causes for the people around him, he knows everything. He was clean for 6 weeks since this January, but then failed again and take it even more frequently. And this time is the worst ever and didn’t come home for 4 days which never happened before. I don’t know if it is a peak then he will be better or ?

He doesn’t like talking to people his problem, so he probably didn’t want to go to the meeting, but again if he really want he would. I probably will tell him your successful story if there is a chance.

Sorry about my long message.

[danman83]

He’s right about he can just get it another way. But it’s about planning ahead and cutting these many ways out to less as possible.

I tend to use Fri and Sat’s. So I’d give my gf my Car keys and phone and she locks them in a safe. Every Fri and Sat. She hasn’t for a while now. But I have no dealers nums on this phone or social media. I can’t drink alcohol ever again as this is a main trigger to have coke.

When we make up excuses for things, it’s just our addictive brains planning a relapse. Our brains will start an argument with our partner a day before we plan to use, just so we can say our partner stressed me out and caused me to use. This is just an example, but something in the week we can do and it’s the brain just setting us up for a relapse because it wants the coke. It’s like a devil on your shoulder.

Where did he go for 4 days?

It really is a vicious circle. Friday or Sat we use, Sunday to Wed we’re feeling down and not gonna use again. Friday comes we want to get on it again. It’s never ending.

There is support out there it’s just how bad he wants it. I like the meetings, and listening to the story’s. But I just hate speaking. Only spoke a few times and this puts people off.

Don’t worry about the long message. Lol

[himbeere]

Yes you are right. We need to cut the possibility and have a plan. That’s what he needs.

Can I ask what made you to be determined to stop? And whenever the craving came, what do you do to stop it?

He told me it is a terrible thing it is a devil. Sometimes he can beat the devil but sometimes he can’t. He always thought he got it under control but clearly he lost the control.

He went to his friends home normally but this time as it is 4 days so he just went to different friends home, all his friends told him off( which I think it is good). But he didn’t like the nagging, so he went to a hotel. His sister picked him up from his friends house at the end and sent him home. He walked in and said sorry to me and went to bed..

he said he didn’t want anyone know but it seems everyone knows now. He said only himself can sort it out, nagging doesn’t help. But can he sort himself out?I don’t know.

[betsybee]

Hello, I found this post extremely informative and helpful, thank you for sharing that information.

My husband has struggled for many years and now I have a clearer understanding of what the drug does to him in regards to his mental health.

[danman83]

I wanted to stop because the comedowns from coke make you depressed for days and suicidal. Even when I just finished my last bag I felt like crying. It’s awful. It’s soo gripping. Plus your never really happy, the cost and so on.

The cravings you have and triggers, triggers are we’re for example, you drive past someone’s house we’re you used cocaine, you remember and it makes you want coke because it’s a memory of using there. So you have to avoid all triggers. Go another route. Say you picked up off a dealer at the corner shop. Go another shop.

If he joined CA you have peoples numbers like you and when u get cravings you phone them, and they talk you round and cravings go. That’s the best thing. Or do some activities to keep u busy.

It’s exactly like having a devil on your shoulder. Tell him get to a CA meeting on line and listen to people’s story’s. When he listens he will able to see the simularities in his story’s. And this helps. You have to download zoom 1st as all meetings are through zooms for covid.

[himbeere]

Thank you so much for your useful and detailed advise! I definitely let him know if I can.

I haven’t managed to talk with him yet, and I think he did realise this time( his 4 days disappearing) is quite serious. So I didn’t plan to talk with him about anything until he wanted to.every time I talked to him and never worked. So maybe I change a method.

I was thinking about to say to him sort yourself out otherwise not come back home but I don’t think it is that a good idea? I am not quite sure what I should do can make him really really make up his mind to stop like you do. Like you said, only he wants to stop not others tell him to, but is there anything could help him realise he really needs stop? I’m sure he feels terrible afterwards like you do but every time he still does it, he can not be like you that determined. So anything at all can push him to there?

Thank you again.

[danman83]

I guess it depends on him.. If you say don’t come back till he is sorted. There is a good chance he will think.. Fuk it.. And just keep using and using. But that’s just a guess.

Ask him about his come downs, does he feel depressed or suicidal some times. Everyone who has coke has a come down. And they do get worse. Then psychosis can kick in. Try and tell him to play the tape forward.. Which means if he’s thinking of using try and imagine what the next few days will be like, is it really worth it??

Get him listen to some addiction recovery stories on you tube or podcast. They help me a lot.

Do you have children?

[danman83]

I guess it depends on him.. If you say don’t come back till he is sorted. There is a good chance he will think.. Fuk it.. And just keep using and using. But that’s just a guess.

Ask him about his come downs, does he feel depressed or suicidal some times. Everyone who has coke has a come down. And they do get worse. Then psychosis can kick in. Try and tell him to play the tape forward.. Which means if he’s thinking of using try and imagine what the next few days will be like, is it really worth it??

Get him listen to some addiction recovery stories on you tube or podcast. They help me a lot.

Do you have children?

[himbeere]

Yes that’s how I think. He said he did think the consequences afterwards but the craving overpowered it. I always say you need have a plan, more detailed things to help you. But he always say only he can sort it, yes but you need to have a plan not just say it. That’s why I think he is not that determined. He needs to finally wake up! Not sure how, that’s the problem.

I have a child from my previous marriage. But he does treat her like his own child. We did talk about to have another child and he said it could help him stop but on the other hand I worry, what if it does the opposite thing and now is hard enough I don’t want to be pregnant and he is disppeared.

[georgie1410]

My partner tried everything – but alcohol was his gateway drug and cocaine got him in the end. He died of an enlarged heart at the age of 46yrs. It was horrendous – I have no answer for you but deep down he was a deeply unhappy man and I don’t think he wanted to stop. I hope you have a happier ending….I don’t think any of us deserve this.xxx

[himbeere]

Sorry to hear that! It must be extremely hard for you. Hope you feel a bit better now?

Not sure at all what will happen. My husband said alcohol is never the issue for him as when he went to get drugs he was sober, although I think alcohol is definitely the trigger. xx

[llm888]

I am so sorry this happened, I fear this will happen to my boyfriend as well he’s been using cocaine for approx 20 years on and off and has all the physical symptoms of it severally damaging his body. I am scared every time he uses and I am so so sorry for your situations xx

[danman83]

I think your right he does need to have a plan. I right a weekly day to day plan on with things to do each day and tick it off. Meditation is working wonders for me and their are lots of apps.

Believe me having a kid will not make him stop. I have had 2 since my 1st coke, and I said on both occasions I’d quit for them. So that won’t work. He has to hit his rock bottom I guess. That’s what most people say. Don’t go getting pregnant thinking it will stop him quitting. Trust me it will not lol

[himbeere]

He never trusts things like meditation. He is a stubborn person which isn’t help. He just woke up and didn’t say much, just said to me’ it will definitely happen again’ I didn’t say much. Do I believe him? Probably not. I guess he thought he has hit the bottom this time, but I can not trust. He didn’t talk to me anything else about what happened this 4 days. And I don’t think he would want me to mention it and I won’t. I guess I have to wait until he wants to talk about it, what do you think?

Yes I agree with you. Hence I decide to cancel the baby plan.

Looking at your story doesn’t give me a tiny bit hope, but it is down to him. I always think if he can’t change now, he will be worse and worse then he can never change it. I think he still has sense most time, not sure if i am just comforting myself.

[himbeere]

Sorry I meant to say

He said ‘ It definitely will not happen again’

And I meant to say. Looking at your story does give me a little bit hope..

[danman83]

It’s up to you what you want to know about the 4 days I guess. I know my gf would interagate me lol.

I personally think if you want to quit this and be serious you have to come out your comfort zone. I always said I’d never do CA, I’d never do meetings, I never prayed. Never meditated. And look at me now I’ve had to do all each day now to fight this addiction, and it is working, I mediate every morn at 5am before work for 10 mins. People think it’s all this hmmmmm… Hands on knees lol. But it’s not. Every one I listen to on the meetings all had the same mind set as your husband and now they do the total opposite. They feel great, they have there life back. Obviously they have there bad days we all do. If all this stops me from putting that shite up my nose, and being depressed and suicidal, and I have to do it every day I know what id want.

It’s just hard making that decision I guess. Sometimes it’s our addictive brains telling us it won’t work. Or tricking us into thinking this.

[himbeere]

Again thanks for your advise. I would love to know what happened. But I just feel every time I asked but no good result. I do think he wouldn’t really stop if he only use his will power without anything detailed plans? What do you think from your experience?

But I thought people who is addicted , doesn’t like to be forced to do anything. Or he just naively thinks he can win this devil with his willpower.

You must felt terrible afterwards all the time, but was there a big thing or a special thing finally make you that determined to stop?

[danman83]

Yes I totally agree he needs some sort of plan. Everyday I make sure I listen to a cocaine recovery story or addiction, on you tube. Plus I have to read everyday. I’ve read 14 books this year. That’s the most ever in my life lol. But it keeps you busy and stops your from over thinking.

Yes its true I imagine addicts don’t like to be forced to stop, but your his wife and her should expect a nagging or bollocking. I expect it. I mean he was gone for 4 days. My gf would of kicked me out! Your quite calm considering.

Imagine if you did that. I bet he would go mad.

I’ve been wanting to quit for years. I hate it and I tried everything. One rock bottom I had.. I was down stairs I must of had 3 bags of coke, and I came crashing down crying my eyes out feeling suicidal and desp to quit, I text my mum and told her everything this was at 6am. She text me later that day upset and was crying I stopped for about 2 month then got back on it. She still thinks am clean. Well I am now, but she didn’t know I started again then quit. This happened about 2 year ago.

Then this boxing day I just had a bad come down and needed to stop. My heart didn’t feel to good. I’ve saved £1000 in 2month. I’ve never saved in my life.

My advice to someone about cocaine.. Don’t even try it! Stay away from any one that does!.

I know a few people that have killed themselves on cocaine.

And had strokes.

Plus I have my children and I don’t want them to see me like this.

[himbeere]

Hi again. My husband just set up a group with me, his sister and his friends who are recently found out what he has been doing as during the last years only me know that. He didn’t want others know. He said setting up this group so more people’s eyes on him which is a big step for him. He still resists to seek for professional help and he still keeps saying he will do it. Although we all think he needs more detailed plan than just his willpower. He said he has done a big step for today and other steps need to be processed in his mind. I guess I have to give him time? Although I think I have been patient to him for years..

I have told him your story and tell him all the useful advise you gave which I think are great. Now it has to down to him to process. I sort of have a little bit hope but I know I can’t keep my hope too high.

[danman83]

What sort of group? A Watts app?

I guess it’s a start. He needs to reach out to people when he is struggling so that will help.

Your right, he’s laid a plan out so far, so I guess you have to try it. But if that doesn’t work. Which from past experience I don’t think it will. Then he will have to go to Plan B.

Tell him watch a video on you tube it’s in 3 parts. It’s Louise Clarke. Crack cocaine part 123. She’s an expert who has helped loads of people and gives great advice about the drug. How to stop. And so on. Its helped me alot. I recommend you watch it aswell so you get an idea of it.

[himbeere]

Yes it is a WhatsApp group. He confessed a lot yesterday but after yesterday I thought he would get up and go to work today but no! And even right now he is still in bed! I don’t know if it is the after effect of the drugs. But I just think if he wanted to change then today he should get up go to work! I don’t hold too much hope now tbh.

Thanks for your advice of the video. I shall have a look. I just feel physically and mentally exhausted. I work full time and look after a kid literally on my own at the moment and all this thing just really drain me. I try my best to be positive and carry on, but just feel there is not much to look forward to. Wish my husband could think like you do and ‘ wake up’.

[danman83]

He’s still in bed lol. Well that could be a coke come down. But only you or he would know that answer.

Alot of the times after using you don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. Some people take sleeping tabs to go sleep straight away so they don’t feel the comedown. I did that quite a few times.

You need to start thinking of yourself if it’s making you feel like this. Your right it’s not good for your health.

I mean it’s your life and its up to you what you want. But sometimes tough love is the best option, and say you have one chance or I’m moving on. I don’t like saying this but at the end of the day it’s true and you have your own life. But my gf has stood by me, everyone is different.

But some drug testing kits off ebay or amazon. See if he will go with this.

I know it hard, but just try and have some you time with a mate and talk to someone. It’s hard when you love some one and they are doing this, your torn between decisions.

[himbeere]

Don’t know when this nightmare can be gone..

Yesterday I woke him up for work and he did. When he left I sent him a message basically told him how drained I have been feeling and want my husband back.. at night he emailed me a long message said, the message I sent really sunk in and made him cry, he never cry. He realised what a waste he has been to me to my kid. He went to a hotel and didn’t do anything just need think and he promised he would take further step to make my husband back’ I trusted him and I thought it was a genuine message.

He said he would come home this morning but so far he is disappeared again.. I just don’t know now. It’s a torture.

[danman83]

If he lives with you why would he go to an hotel? It doesn’t make sense at all that. If I did that my gf would tell me pack my bags lol.

I’ve seen story’s were guys just get off on coke in a hotel on there own. But I’m not saying he has done that. Has he got in touch yet?

[himbeere]

The 4 days he disappeared he was in hotel 3 days took drugs. This time after that message he sent me I thought he really realised. But now he is disappeared again. I don’t want to think the worst, but he had been never this bad.

[himbeere]

I think as his wife I should be supportive and go through with him this hard time. But I need a little bit hope don’t I? Nothing I can do, even I knew where he is, what can I do? Go to find him?

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya,

I know how you feel, my partner dissapered for a week and in that time I was worried sick, I had my locks changed and took all hes stuff to hes mums. I woke up thismorninf to him knocking on my door. So I opened my bathroom window and asked him what he wanted, he started crying saying he was so sorry and he has messed everything up, and that he had been mixing with homeless people. I was so disgusted with him I just told him to go to hes mums and sort hes life out.

I felt so annoyed as he had no thought for me or hes son in that time he spent away. And clearly the money had run out and that’s why he had returned because he was hoping to just walk in and have a shower and sleep. Hope your ok and keep strong! Xx

[himbeere]

So how is he now?

He just messaged me saying he is in a hotel and he is clean but he is drinking!( I never think drinking helps his craving) he said he just needs time to think and plan.. I want to believe in him, but why he disappeared and let me worry to sick?

I totally feel what you said. I just don’t know what to believe. We sometimes do need some hope to carry on. xx

[danman83]

If he’s drinking he’s using coke, alcohol is the main trigger to get cocaine. I mean he might be telling the truth. But I doubt it.

I’ll be honest now, I think he’s taking the piss now, sorry for my language lol. But he needs to stay in a hotel and plan and drink at the same time?

He should be at home planing with his family. Its just an excuse to get on it. I don’t like saying it but lts the truth.

You need to start thinking of your self. Sorry for the harsh words but its a Wednesday, he’s in a hotel drinking and planing to sort himself. It doesn’t make sense.

[himbeere]

You are right. Thanks for your honesty. If he is having drugs he is selfish. And if he’s not having drugs he is still selfish. He doesn’t think how I would feel, he just escaped rather than confront with it. I probably can respect he was at hotel last night but today again, and drinking. You are right. I need to wake up and think about myself.

[danman83]

It’s your life and its up to you want you want. But don’t let him walk all over you. He has no reason to stay in a hotel. If he wants peace, he needs go in another room of the house. For one I’d mention if he goes into another hotel again it’s over. He could be up 2 anything in there, I’m sorry for saying that but.. He could be, and you deserve better. What do your friends say about this situation?

[himbeere]

I’m lost tbh. It’s not an easy decision to make and I don’t know what is the right decision tbh. At the moment all I do is force myself to be strong as I have a 6 years old kid.

I haven’t told any of my friends. I haven’t told anyone until he set up the WhatsApp group last Sunday. I have been suffering everything in my own. And glad now at least his friends know so I sort of feel I’m not alone. His friends just told me they went to hotels to find him and saw his car so I know where he is. But so what, I can’t do anything..

[drained-and-tired]

I had the locks changed, so sent him straight to hes mums house. He has no phone so no contact. He’s mum text and said that he has asked how he’s son is, I replied he is fine.

The thing that really aggravates me is that for 7 whole days he did not give me or our son a single thought, because he was to involved with the lo lives getting high and thinking of himself. All while I was in tears nearly everynight, couldn’t sleep couldn’t eat couldn’t even go to work because of the stress thinking he was dead in the woods somewhere.

At the end of the day your husband spending the night in a hotel is just an excuse to get high. They make it sound so believable because they know we will fall for it. But I made the step of changing my locks and taking all hea belongings to hes mums because I wasn’t going to stand for him just thinking he could spend nights away and then stroll in like nothing had happend.

So he got quite a shock thismorning when he couldn’t get in.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, I love my partner and have endless feelings for him, but to constantly keep abusing me and my family with hes addiction and selfishness just wasn’t acceptable anymore.

I am all for anyone trying and really making the effort to change, but when someone doesn’t even want to change or make that step then it’s just a pointless endless battle.

Xx

[himbeere]

You probably made the right decision. You are right. Since they don’t think about us. Then we need to think about ourselves. If they really feel sorry they know what they should do, don’t they?

[drained-and-tired]

They know exactly what they need to do. They just think they can keep getting away with it because we allow them to. All the time we are enabling them then they will carry on.

The lies, the not answering the phone, there hygiene, there attitude. All these things are just the daily endless things we put up with.

Have you heard anymore from your husband?

How is he affording nights in hotels and alcohol and cocaine? Xx

[drained-and-tired]

They know exactly what they need to do. They just think they can keep getting away with it because we allow them to. All the time we are enabling them then they will carry on.

The lies, the not answering the phone, there hygiene, there attitude. All these things are just the daily endless things we put up with.

Have you heard anymore from your husband?

How is he affording nights in hotels and alcohol and cocaine? Xx

[drained-and-tired]

They know exactly what they need to do. They just think they can keep getting away with it because we allow them to. All the time we are enabling them then they will carry on.

The lies, the not answering the phone, there hygiene, there attitude. All these things are just the daily endless things we put up with.

Have you heard anymore from your husband?

How is he affording nights in hotels and alcohol and cocaine? Xx

[himbeere]

I always stand on his shoes and find excuses for him. I’m perhaps too soft to him. He still replies my message a little. He says his world is not nice. But is my life currently nice because of him?

He has money, he has good job but he hasn’t been to work for days, he said he’s scared about work. He messed up. Then why not just be a man and sort it out?

[danman83]

I know what you mean. It is hard. But they do say it is better to talk to some one and get it off your chest. Just try and stay positive and focus on your 6 year old for now. Try not to make your self ill.

[himbeere]

Yes talking people here and talk to you helps me. Thank you. You have replied me so many messages and gave me lots advise. (Ironically you sent me more message and support than my husband recently) Thanks a lot.

[danman83]

Just don’t be blaming me if you use my advice and it goes wrong haha. Only joking. Just go with your gut instinct that’s all I can suggest. And think of your self and child. What’s the best solution. Gut instinct always works and everything happens for a reason.

[himbeere]

of course not blame you, you helped a lot!

sad thing is, I don’t have any gut instinct. Feel lost, and not sure which direction to go. Every day is the same repeating without hope. But I will surely try my hardest to be positive for myself and my child. Perhaps time will give me an answer.

[danman83]

That’s all you can do try and stay positive, don’t get in a rut. Something will come up. But you need have a good think.. Do you want to be here in 5 years time in the same situation if he isn’t putting the effort in that is.

Something will just click and you will get your answer.

[himbeere]

He starts to make me angry now. Although it may be a bad idea but I am tempted to go to the hotel to find him. He is being so selfish now.

What would it happen do you think?

[drained-and-tired]

I wouldn’t even bother attempting to go to the hotel. You are wasting your time! That may sound cruel and a bit to the point but sometimes your just fooling yourself.

He is having the best time he can have right now getting high and go’s knows what else. He has filled your head with lies and made you beleive he is genuinely upset! But if he was so upset then he would be home with you. He would be caring for you.

The reason I’m saying this like this is because drug users know how to pull the wool over our eyes.

And untill you make a stand and say you have had enough, pack hes bags and give him the ultimatum then he will just carry on abusing your kindness.

Why should you put yourself out to search for him in a hotel? Do you think he has given you one thought whilst being there? Probably not, and I know it’s hard because I have been there, I have spent years worrying whether to cook dinner or whether ill be sleeping alone, or whether he will just be a father. And each time he has failed on all because he’s addiction has come first.

The best thing you can do is focus on you, and in the mean time if you are strong enough pack hes bags and give him the ultimatum.

Xx

[danman83]

Any updates on him? Have u been to the hotel?

[himbeere]

Thanks for asking. I sent him message saying I’m going to find him with my kid. And I was about to go. He replied saying don’t go, there is no point. He didn’t want me take my kid to drive around aimlessly ( he didn’t know I knew where he is I assume). He admitted he was not clean. He said he would like to change but it is just so hard. I don’t know why I turned from angry to calm and tried to offer help again.. he said he’s willing to try different method. But I learnt that when he is on it I shouldn’t trust anything he said. He said he is on taxi and is coming home.

I know I will need to be strict on him if he does come back and want to change. Perhaps I’m silly I just still seem to hold the hopes..

[cxxx]

Danman can I just ask u cos u are making us feel so much like were not going crazy, with u being & addict & reading what the partners go through does it help u more to see things from the other side cos I don’t think my partner/ex knows how much & deep rooted his lies and actions have caused they way I feel, can u ever get through it

[danman83]

Ye course it does, I’ve always felt guilty and I’ve tried putting my self in her shoes and imagined if it was her with the problem, snorting coke on her own downstairs. I’d be embarrassed and think what am I doing with him. She’s done it with me in the past but now she just avoids it as she has seen what it does. The sneaking around, going missing, I have thought what it’s doing to her alot. One thing I really regret it’s really long so I’ll keep it short. She cheated on me, so I got her back when she was pregnant, and I told her when she was 7 month pregnant. She was heartbroken. And I’ve felt guilty and sorry for what I did. Especially her going through the emotions of pregnancy. I was bad on coke then. I’m going back 7 years now. So ye I do understand what you go through. Even more from being on this site. I guess it comes down to each individual person and how they see it. Maybe he will if he ever stops.

[esta]

I want to tell you how inspiring and helpful reading your posts has been.

I have been reading on here for the last six months and it has really helped give me insight in to what was going on.

[danman83]

Thanks esta for your comments it helps me alot in my recovery.

How are you coping now with your breakup?

[esta]

I have horrific days missing him but now I realise it’s just an ideal of who I thought he was.

He got up to 200/300 a day On Crack. People hanging on and his ‘best mates’ when he got paid.

I can now use my card without an overdraft which had been maxed out for 3 years. The slide was so subtle so well manipulated, now I can clearly see what was going on

[danman83]

That’s what comes with addiction I’m afraid, a shed load of lies and manipulation. I can imagine it is hard no one wants to see someone they love just end up like that.

How old is he? How long has he been on crack for?

That’s a lot of money blown on

that. It just goes so quick.

I know crack is just cocaine washed down, but it just seems to be so much more addictive and I’m glad I never tried it. All it takes is 1 mate to temp you to have it and thats it your hooked.

Were is your ex now BTW?

Thanks for your kind words.

[esta]

He is actually in hospital he had an overdose on crack and benzo s mixed with pregablin and tramadol

[danman83]

Bloody hell.. Hope he is OK. That tramadol alone is lethal stuff. I can see why people get addicted to that..

That’s a big problem when u meet some 1 else who does harder drugs I’ve always said its who u knock around with and that’s how u get hooked on things.

Thanks for that. Had a real shite day today overthinking too much about that stuff. I’ve prayed about 5 times today and meditated a few. If I didn’t have this programme with CA I would of given up by now. So it’s definitely working.

Thank you for that.

[notmyrealname]

I just read the comments on this and I even though the way you get treated makes you feel so alone it is actually exactly what so many are going through. I knew that other people must be in similar situations but to read you story it’s shocking how alike it is to my own experience. It is nice to know I’m not alone but also sad to hear of someone going through this horrible circumstance. I think it is good you have seen danman comments as it is so hard to think rationally in this situation and when we love someone it’s easier to make excuse for them and try to make it better. It’s so true you have to start thinking of yourself. I find that shouting or getting angry doesn’t work as someone doesn’t feel any sympathy with your upset when they take this. However I hope that you talked it through with your husband and got some answers.

[himbeere]

Hi, how’s yours husband doing now?

I hope this thread can bring people some hope and positive feeling. but so far, I am not even positive .. despite I am trying hard.

We don’t know which method work for them, not shouting, not threatening, not spoiling them with love, then what is it? what is the correct answer?

so far, he is still not home, and I doubt I can get any answers from him. When I could get some answers then I guess my life would be easier.

Hope you are well. xx

[notmyrealname]

[danman83]

Your his wife. You should of gone earlier to be honest..and I don’t mean that in a bad way.its not a bad idea at all. He’s disrespecting you. I know my gf would come hunting me down . And I definitely would of gone if it was the other way round. If it was me I’d go there now and see what the hell is happining. But it’s entirely up to I

[danman83]

Tell him staying in a hotel isn’t gonna work one bit. If I was you I’d tell him hotels are banned or it’s over. If he wants to beat his addiction it needs to be at home with the support of his family.

I don’t know you bit you come across as too nice and leniant. It’s not a bad thing. But he has responsibilitys and a son. He can’t go hiding in hotels. I’m not perfect and I’ve done some bad stuff. But you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Try and get a good sleep tonight.

[himbeere]

He just came back home and looked terrible. He is suffering the very bad pain on his nose due to too much coke taken. He said he suffered this since yesterday, but how could he take more today since he was in that bad pain? I just took his cards. He said he’s in too much pain to talk today, will talk tomorrow. I let him.

I tell him hotel banned, will he listen? When the addiction comes, I guess everything means nothing.

Yes I’m too soft, even his friends say I did something even their wives wouldn’t do. I always think nice people would have nice return. But so far, all I got is pain. My ex husband cheated me and left me when my daughter was 1. My current husband is a drug addict. What’s wrong with my life.. I don’t have much luck with men do I? But anyway thank you for all your words. You seem a nice and caring person and I’m so happy for you to beat the devil. You should be proud of yourself!

[danman83]

I think you really need put your foot down with him now and lay some ground rules. I feel like coming over and giving him a mouth full haha.

Does he have a well paid job?

How much is spending on it?

It’s not your fault we all make bad choices. But I really wouldn’t put up with it if he’s still like this in a years time and he’s not really trying.

I’ve not beat it yet. I was having bad dreams I was using last night and feel annoyed this morning. So I just have be careful this weekend

[danman83]

I think you really need put your foot down with him now and lay some ground rules. I feel like coming over and giving him a mouth full haha.

Does he have a well paid job?

How much is spending on it?

It’s not your fault we all make bad choices. But I really wouldn’t put up with it if he’s still like this in a years time and he’s not really trying.

I’ve not beat it yet. I was having bad dreams I was using last night and feel annoyed this morning. So I just have be careful this weekend

[himbeere]

Yes I need to speak to him. He just woke up but I can’t say much in front of my daughter. But I will speak to him tonight. If he is not trying hard then I know there is just no hope whatsoever, which I’m scared of.

Yes he has a well paid job, he is an engineer, but he hasn’t been to work for 2 weeks! Imagine he lost his job! I don’t know how much he spent on it. But this time definitely lots. Days out in hotel, drugs, taxi etc.

I guess your bad dream is because you heard too much of my stories. You will be fine. Have faithZ you are doing really well. I wish my husband could try as you do.

[danman83]

Just try and make him aware the good things that the money can go on, holidays, and trips and your daughter.

The dreams happen with most addicts, I’ve always had them. They stopped for a while. Its just your mind testing you, and tricking you into wanting it. Try and have a relaxing weekend. Have some fun with your daughter ????

[himbeere]

Weirdly it seems he knows everything. But just not take it into action. I don’t know approach works for him, soft? Hard?

But yes I hope this weekend can be a better one, it has been an awful 2 weeks for me. You have a nice weekend too!

[danman83]

Just try and make him aware the good things that the money can go on, holidays, and trips and your daughter.

The dreams happen with most addicts, I’ve always had them. They stopped for a while. Its just your mind testing you, and tricking you into wanting it. Try and have a relaxing weekend. Have some fun with your daughter ????

[danman83]

Ermmm

I guess only u will know that answer lol. Its all about trial and error I guess. They say tough love is the best. But then some always get worse from this. Just him proving to you he is trying is a start. So start asking for proof maybe

[himbeere]

Hope you had a nice weekend so far. Mine certainly hasn’t been good. My husband woke up yesterday and said he was still not in the right mood he didn’t feel well due to the drug. So I waited for today to talk.

His mum messaged me this morning asked if everything is ok as hasn’t seen him for a while. I hate to lie for him but I can’t tell his mum of course not, she would break her heart. I was unhappy and tried to wake him up. To be honest after everything I can feel my mood swings. He then woke up, I just couldn’t wait any longer so I wanted to talk him about it. But I don’t know if it’s the drug or him, he said he’s tired of nagging , tired of everything, tired of life. He can’t give me the life I want. Perhaps He just leave me for good! Hearing that took me to the edge and broke my heart, I cried loudly. At the moment I just felt I really couldn’t copy with that..

Then he said his mind just like roller coaster. He knows he needs to stop. Everything is a mess at the moment. And right now he acts normally. He talks to me just like ‘ my real husband’. And handed in his bank cards to me.

But what he said to me couldn’t get out of my mind. Was it drug talk or him?

[esta]

I remember at one point he did say to me “I can’t watch this” (on Tv) if it had drug use as it would start him off.

There is no happiness at the end of the chase and nothing can compare to having that someone in your life and being truly loved

[esta]

There is no happiness at the end of the chase and nothing can compare to having that someone in your life and being truly loved

[danman83]

Thanks for that. I really appreciate it. I told her take my keys off me tonight because I’ve dreamed alot this week of using. And there locked in a safe now. I have no way of contacting dealers on my phone. And I deleted all social media. That just makes you worse. Even people who are not addicts.

Why do you feel doubt, loneliness and guilt? If u don’t mind me asking.

Your right she is good to me, she has stuck by me and I put her through a lot of shit. She still doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame her. It could take years.

You will get there in the end just stay positive. ????❤️

[esta]

He was the love of my life

[danman83]

I thought it was exactly them to the 3 questions, I guess it makes it alot worse when they are our soul mates or someone we thought we would spend the rest of our life together. And the last 2 guilty and doubt. You will never know the answer to. If you stayed would he have stopped. It’s not worth worrying about. It’s apart of life. What would of happened if I didn’t do this and that.. If I didn’t meet this person ect.. Its just part and parcel of life. Its happened, you did your best and move on. We all have our own journeys?. Have you read.. Many lives many masters? its about reincarnation and about how a doctor does past life regression on a patient for months, and he finds out loads of secrets about life, and how are loved ones are with us in past lifes. Honestly it’s amazing. The guy has been on Oprah and sold millions of books.

God’s honest truth sometimes talking about it does trigger it for me I’m not going to lie. My brain will trick me into wanting it by any means necessary. It did being on here the other day. But part of my 12 step program is I need to connect. And it does help me. I had a bad dream about using last night again. I woke up feeling guilty and that I’d used. I jumped on a meeting. And even spoke! I never speak, I hate stuff like that. But I need to or I can see me relapses..and now I feel great! Its weird how our addictions control us, turns us into bad people. The devil on our shoulder will manipulate you anyway. And u won’t even know. Even listening to a dance song can make me want to use. The thought of going out, get some coke. My best advice to anyone don’t even try coke! Not even alcohol. Why would you want to? People think that’s all there is. I can’t say anything lol but I’m getting to think that way.

Thanks for your positive comments. Hope you are well ????????

[esta]

I watched a film

“A Million little pieces”

I get that your partner hasn’t got trust in you I hope one day that changes

[danman83]

Thanks for that I’ll have a look at it.

There is a book called.. Mum can you lend me 20quid?. It’s about a mum who had twin boys, both on heroin and how she lost 1 to it. Its from her perspective. It’s a great read.

[esta]

Dan be the lucky one that makes it through

[danman83]

Sorry for the late reply I have only just seen this.

I know which film you mean and I get you. Love really does hurt.

I actually spoke twice on 2 meetings in Saturday and I’ve felt great since then. I really feel like I’m getting my confidence back. And my life back. No negative thinking aswell.

Thanks for your kind words. It means alot.

How are you doing now?

[notmyrealname]

Well done

[danman83]

Thanks ????

[esta]

Talking on here helps so much; I didn’t realise how deep it all had got.

It helps to face it all.

[notmyrealname]

Also reading on here people’s posts helps so much, as you can tend to make excuses so easily but when you read someone’s else’s similar story you can see how unbelievable some of the lies are and it makes you be more realistic in your thoughts I find.

[esta]

100%

[danman83]

No, and I have the tools as they say now to help me. I just meditate now or pray to take these thoughts away. I feel great today and positive. I’m looking forward to the future now.

Sorry to hear this. Always here anyway for a chat ❤️

[notmyrealname]

My husband was doing really well for a few days and then last night he saw a few of his friends. He ended up doing it but he actually admitted it. He said he felt disappointed in himself and wishes he hadn’t done it, He said he wished he hadn’t gone out at all and had immediately regretted it. I told him that I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I had to bear in mind he didn’t come rushing home immediately after his mistake he stayed out for a few hours. He didn’t come home at an unreasonable time but I think that’s only because he had work early today. He stopped the staying out all night for a while now anyway so I know he had actually tried to improve but I feel like he is trying to find some kind of medium where I’m not angry but he can get away with doing it still. He doesn’t actually know any other way to socialise. I think the only time he leaves the house is when he has made some kind of arrangement to get hold of cocaine.

[danman83]

It does sound like if he doesn’t take the piss that much, and stay out late it will be OK. I guess he needs to hit his rock bottom if he wants to stop, and he needs to make some sacrifices.

[notmyrealname]

He’s saying he really does want to stop but everyone he knows does it. He would need to start a completely new life. Is that even possible? Is that how you have done it? I do believe that he genuinely thought he could hang with his friends and not do it just because he has done so well for a few days. Or am I being a fool and really he knew he would end up doing it and thought it was ok as he’s had a few good days.Thank you for all your replies and well done for all the hard work you must have put in to get this far.

[esta]

There is no happiness at the end of the chase and nothing can compare to having that someone in your life and being truly loved

[esta]

Lonely – because I loved him with all my heart I have never connected with anyone so completely

Guilty – for walking away

Doubt – because would he eventually change if I stuck by him

But I know he won’t deep down

talking about it might be a trigger for you because I did speak to someone who said even the scoring was part of the process

[esta]

I watched a film recently

“A Million little pieces”

I thought it was a really good

I get that your partner hasn’t got trust in you I hope one day that changes

[danman83]

This talk is coming down talks. Coming down off the coke. Feeling depressed and suicidal. It’s a horrible feeling. He probably has had enough of it all. This repeated vicious circle. But then the craving for coke out ways, what we will feel like after it.

He needs to get to some meetings, get on zoom, and find a CA meeting near him or any online. Tell him he doesn’t have to have his camera on, he doesn’t have to speak. Just listen to people’s shares. Tell him it will make him. Feel better that he is not alone. What area do u live? I can find a link and time for u and just mention it to him. At least u can say u have tried.

[himbeere]

I had a talk with him tonight, he said he didn’t mean what he said this afternoon. It was just him trying to escape the mess and now he is coming out of the effect of the drug gradually. He has to stop but probably better talk to him again about it in 2 weeks time, when his life is more back to normal, as currently it is just a mess. He said now he had no access to cash, as I got all his bank cards,then he just can’t get anything.I guess I need to take it slow and try to be positive. He said he would try the meeting, but I said I wouldn’t force him. I probably will mention it in a few days. I feel he took too much this week that his body can’t cope with it very well, even after 2 days, he is still not 100% him.

I live in midland but I doubt he would want to go anywhere but online one he might try.

Seems you are doing good this weekend. The dream was only a dream! So happy for you and your gf. Keep going!

[notmyrealname]

That’s what I hear everyone does it. I say no they don’t lots of people I know don’t do it. But then I start wondering actually if many people I know do it because he did so well to hide it from me for so long that how would I actually know if people I don’t even live with are doing it and just haven’t told me.

[notmyrealname]

Yes he’s the same has so many mates when he has money, but when he’s messed up they are nowhere to be seen. Yet everytime he will go back to them when he’s back on his feet. I think he honestly forgets -probably because he was too out of it to remember I suppose.

[notmyrealname]

I’m stuck between being angry, disappointed and upset. I was watching the addiction show trying to get some understanding but I’m not sure I believe he actually wants to change .

[notmyrealname]

I didn’t shout or anything last night but I did get upset and he was so sorry but I think it was just him trying to figure out what I wanted to hear.

[danman83]

Yes your being a fool lol.

Don’t believe what he says regarding he will be OK..

His addiction controls him he doesn’t control it.

Anyways.. My problem was using it on my own. Don’t get me wrong I had it with people a lot. But I just got it on my own mainly. If he wants to stop. He needs to cut everyone off, even friends and family who use. I came off Facebook. Deleted my account and all others. You can message dealers on there, you see people and there fake happy life’s drinking cocktails… Ect.. And it just makes you want to use.

I cut a lot of people off, I don’t drive the streets where dealers live, I can’t drink anymore. Since deleting Facebook about 6 month ago. I feel happier. That’s another addiction lol.

Plus he will need start doing new activities to keep him busy, it is hard. I’ve read neally 20 books this year. The old me would of laughed my head off when some asked do I read.

The problem is with addiction and this is my opinion. We are just stuck in the same old routine day in day out. And we need to break this. Do things we never do. Have a good daily programme. Tick it off each day, each task you have set your self to do. We are so much use to drinking as a society and going friends and doing the same shit day in day out. We think there is nothing else out there. But there is, its about setting some goals, and just going for it. I’m looking foward to going, theme parks, adventure parks, canoeing and things like this. This is what I have planed when lockdown is over. I can’t say anything yet I’m only 12 weeks clean tommorow. But I can feel a little taster what it’s like. If this makes sense. It’s just getting over that 1st hurdle I guess.

[esta]

Everything you say is true

Break the routine of addiction.

we take life for granted

Stay strong ????

[danman83]

Exactly, and your right. I’ve done my step 4 tonight with my sponsor and I feel a lot better. I’ve got to do my fears now. What I fear, and why. And I have a chart on paper and I have to write it all down.

Things like public speaking, fear of relapse, fear Of failure. These are just some I can think of. Then when I finish I have to pray to take away my fears. They say this is a great moment in the 12 step programme. And it helps us get rid of things that build up inside, and we use these fears as an excuse to use. It’s like councilling lol but I can feel it working. I’m going on now haha.

Thank you so much ????❤️

[notmyrealname]

I typed a big reply to you earlier then it didn’t send. Anyway the basis was can’t really avoid dealers one visits family members on our street so even if he deletes number it’s too accessible. We aren’t in a position to move house or at least not immediately. So it’s going to take a lot of determination for him to stay clean.

I’ve been looking at some of your other posts and found some helpful stuff like the fact this will never go away. I don’t think I have realised in the past that this was a permanent thing as he has had long periods of not doing it and then he’s thought he’s ok and ended up back like this.

I know it has to be his decision but if he’s doing well I think I need to be more encouraging and also check in on him a little more throughout the day, which I have found really uncomfortable before as I don’t know anyone else with a partner like this but it’s really useful to read through all the other stories and learn thats just the right thing to do in this situation.

[danman83]

I’m exactly the same, some one close to my son does stuff with coke. I can’t really say much more. So I can’t go to certain places.

To be honest moving will do no good unless u want to anyway. I always compare it to the film poltergeist, we’re they try and move to get away from the poltergeist, but the spiritual Indian guy says.. They will just follow you its best to stay at home and beat it as a family. Stupid comparrsion but it’s true. The next town will sell coke and so on. Its so easy to get. My sons 17 year old friends sell it on snap chat putting picture of it on line.

It’s about limiting as many possible ways of getting it.

Yes your right. You will never be OK from it. The seed is planted now. But then again why would u want to go back to these situations we’re u get tested.

It’s not a bad thing checking on on him, it’s a good thing and it shows you care.

[notmyrealname]

Really appreciate all this information.

I also had no idea about all this stuff about triggering and your explanations have started to make a lot of things make sense. I know it’s him who has to work on it but if I can understand a bit better then I can work harder to not enable this behaviour. Also when I tried to discuss it with him I probably start judging and it’s really hard to just casually discuss it because of the upset it has caused.

there’s a particular singer he listens to on the days when he’s acting a bit off and I thought it was all in my head as I couldn’t work out what was going on but now makes sense he might be listening to the music first and its triggering it. I have previously said I don’t like the music as it does glamorise using, and it’s its all that what you mentioned before with their friends at a pool party drinking cocktails look how cool they are. But I think I’m going to have to be more straightforward and say I do not want to watch this music video.

Iv been worried to be too straightforward with opinion before as he is like two different people so the one doing it gets really offended even if I’m trying to be helpful.

I just need to be more encouraging of the side he’s being at the moment that wants to do better and your insight has been really helpful, thank you so much.

[danman83]

I literally have just drove past an old dealer and he said hiya dan. I just beeped and carried on driving.

I didn’t want to pick up. But I was thinking about coke then, and past experiences when I got it off him. This is obviously triggering it. I’m at home now and I’m just gonna say a little prayer to take away these thoughts and fears. The old me would of stopped and ask has he any.

I can listen to dance music and it makes me want to use sometimes so I understand we’re u are coming from. Me personally I’d just suggest it to him, do you think you should listen to this? I wouldn’t say I don’t want you to. As he can just think.. She don’t want me do anything anymore. That’s my opinion. But u do what u think is best. I can understand if you say you ain’t going that friends, you are not drinking, and so on.. But if its just a music video I’d just suggest this will be a trigger, acknowledge it and try and avoid them please.

Sometimes we think we are being controlled when we are not, you just care. And use it as an excuse to use. That’s just my opinion but you do what u think is best for the both of you. I could be wrong. So please don’t think I’m being funny lol

[himbeere]

Hi Dan

haven’t messaged for a few days. I just want to say, I am pretty much giving up. I honestly think your experience is just a miracle. Most of addicts unfortunately just won’t change. I had hope, as after those extreme 2 weeks I thought my husband would change. He handed in all his cards and promised. And even said would go to meeting etc.But today he just disappeared again. I’m pretty much giving up, don’t hold much hope. The nightmare just never ends. And I feel another sad thing is , his sister and his friends were so up to it and offered help etc, but now they seem not that bothered any more.. I feel sad that it seems at the end no one really cares.

And well done you didn’t stop the car! You should be proud of yourself!

[danman83]

I’m no were near cured lol, so mine is nowhere near a miracle. This is the 2nd time in 11 year I have got to 3 month. I relapsed on 3 month last time. So its really important I keep reaching out now and go to the meetings. Or I will relapse.

I read a book by Alan Charles he was addicted to coke for24 years, had a really bad experience, and he over come it. Some people go to rehab 20 times before they have fully quit. And if u go to the meetings so many people have numerous years clean time. I guess everyone is just different.

Your husband giving you his card doesn’t mean nothing really, I think he is just giving piece of mind to you. He can just go his dealers and say give me some on lay. And they do. They will give hundreds on lay if they know u will pay.

I know exactly what u mean with no 1 cares, when my mum found out she was texting me every day, checking on me then it just stopped. I guess they have there own shit to deal with.

Have u heard out from him?

Hope you are OK?

[himbeere]

At least you are on the right route and it sounds promising. You can do it! While others like my husband is on the opposite route.

Didn’t know the dealer can lend you the coke. In this case, it just sounds like he will never stop no matter what I do or he does. No hope is there?

So when people is on it, they just don’t have feeling or care about anyone at all? It’s just amazing that one minute they have saying how regretful they are and next minute they just take coke again.

He is hiding somewhere I guess like always. I’m almost give up and sadly I’m the only one who really cares.

[notmyrealname]

No I really appreciate your honest input. I have felt brave enough to talk about what’s been going on to people close to me and it’s really hard for them to say what they really think without them being embarrassed.

I definitely don’t know what will work for him but your experience is helping me to think of this differently. You know how he thinks. Yes he would say she won’t let me do anything, she’s just telling me what to do, especially with the influence of his friends.

Thats really great that you didn’t stop, well done, your partner must be so proud.

[icarus-trust]

Hi I’m sorry to read your post and see how much your husband’s cocaine habit is affecting you. If you think it would help please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to families dealing with addiction. if you get in touch one of our trained and experienced Family Friends would talk with you and let you know what help we could offer you and possibly your husband too.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[danman83]

Thank you for that.

Believe me the dealer will give it away if he knows you are good for paying it back. If you have no money on the day, how is the dealer gonna make money?. He just says take 2 or 3. And owe me.

Most do it.

I just guess when he hits his rock bottom and he has really had enough then he will.

No they won’t care when they are on it. But the minute it’s all gone, guilt and resentment, and depression kicks In. Then he will be regretting what he has done asking for forgiveness ect..

Have u phoned him?

[himbeere]

Hi Dan hope you are keeping doing well on your journey.

can I ask you a question related to coke please? is compulsively spasming a sign of overdose? My husband had it today and it looks odd and a bit scary. He said it is not overdose it just happens. I don’t trust what he says. Do you know this?

[lizzie1210]

My sibling who is a heavy coke addict has compulsive movements and verbal tics as a result of using. There are also mental health issues and psychosis as a result so I’m not sure how much is due to the coke or the mental health. It’s hideous. Someone who knows more than me might be able to say if it is linked to overdose, though from my understanding it was from long term usage

[danman83]

Thank you for that.

Believe me the dealer will give it away if he knows you are good for paying it back. If you have no money on the day, how is the dealer gonna make money?. He just says take 2 or 3. And owe me.

Most do it.

I just guess when he hits his rock bottom and he has really had enough then he will.

No they won’t care when they are on it. But the minute it’s all gone, guilt and resentment, and depression kicks In. Then he will be regretting what he has done asking for forgiveness ect..

Have u phoned him?

[himbeere]

I thought he has hit the rock bottom. How to hit the rock bottom, telling his mum, losing his job? He told his work he had anxiety and his work is so good that they won’t easily fire anyone. Sometimes I just feel maybe he should lose his job then he will wake up. But it could be worse. I just don’t know.

Yes phoned lots. Whenever he’s on it he never answer the phone. He just hide.

[danman83]

I mean when you hit your rock bottom there is only 1 way after that and that’s up.

Some people have to have serious health issues, or OD before they realise. What are you going to do if he is not gonna change?

[himbeere]

He said he needs to take a break as his nose was so painful last time. The problem is he realised when he is sober, then he just back into it and forget about everything. He just said he’s at friends. This friend doesn’t even take any drug but keep him!

I don’t know to be honest. I guess he is just keeping pushing me to leave him. I never want to leave him. But he is pushing me.

[danman83]

That’s what addiction does to you. You can have 3 heart attacks before you see sence. The addiction seems to win most of the time.

My partner is exactly the same with what you just said. She never wants us to split up and she loves me. But I am pushing her to.

[himbeere]

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wanted to go to his friends house and knock the door. I also wanted to tell all his friends the story so that no one can keep him. He texted me said he’s a failure, that’s just an excuse in my eyes after everything. Why can’t he man up and stop hiding?!

Guess all the partners fee the same, at least you want to change from your heart and you are doing well. I guess your gf can see the light at the end of the tunnel while I just can’t see anything right now.

[notmyrealname]

Are you always there waiting when he returns? Is there anywhere else you can stay, do you have anyone supporting you ? Do you think that would maybe be the shock he needs if he realised you could leave? I don’t mean you have to leave permanently now but how would he react if it was suggested. My husbands still struggling but I know this was a wake up call for him when I said if he won’t go then perhaps I should look into living somewhere else myself if this is how he wants his life.

[danman83]

That’s what addiction does to you. You can have 3 heart attacks before you see sence. The addiction seems to win most of the time.

My partner is exactly the same with what you just said. She never wants us to split up and she loves me. But I am pushing her to.

[notmyrealname]

As I have considered moving out. I am the same that I really do love him and I absolutely don’t want to give up on him but I do have to think of myself and how I really want my life to be, what I’m willing to put up with.

[notmyrealname]

Also they absolutely can get it without a debit card or any cash.

Danman thanks for tips about triggers we had a discussion and he has accepted that some friends and media do trigger it, it’s been really good to talk about it with him with a bit of insider knowledge on my side lol.

[himbeere]

He said as much he wants to change but he can’t. Even it is coke, I still think if he really wants he can, it could be hard but it is not impossible.

Before I read your message I sent him a message I said if he can’t change I will leave. If that’s his choice then be it. I have a 6 years old to look after, I can’t be ill and now I feel I’m ill mentally and physically. I believe in fate. If it is meant to be, then be it. I have tried 5 years with him. I have put up enough. I can not see hope. They can promise but it means nothing.

You are right we need to think about ourselves, we have been thinking about them enough. I hope your husband will change, but right now I think if I don’t put too much hope on to it I would feel better. Take care xx

[notmyrealname]

Yes that’s how I’m getting, trying not to expect or hope too strongly as it is such a powerful addiction and if I put all my hope in the disappointment is just too much when he does it again.

If they are ready there are things they can do to try to stop and that is in their control but I am also trying to bear in mind what a powerful substance this is.

As I read more it seems that the urge to do it might never go away but they have the power to resist that urge, and only they can do it. No matter what we say.

All I mean is that as much as we love them we do not have to stay in this situation and they need to realise that. How would they feel if it was us that were unreliable and just left. Yes we might always want to be there but we also need to take care of ourselves. I have been concentrating on work and also I have been back in touch with some friends and also family that I don’t always make time for as I have been always trying to worry about where he is or what he might be doing. Another thing I have been trying to take care of my house and garden, and things to make my own life nicer.

There’s a lot of people on here that have ended up on medication from this situation, it’s important to get the help if you need it. I don’t feel too bad like that at the moment as mine did stop the staying out all night, so there is hope that your partner could stop the staying out all night. You probably won’t get a sensible answer out of him if he’s messaging back while he’s out doing and also when he’s on a come down when he returns home.

[himbeere]

Right now he is out somewhere not being clean. I took my courage to slyest him say if he doesn’t change I will leave, but not sure if it’s because he’s on it or what, he said ‘ I don’t think it’s fair to you and I don’t think I can change’ he just made the choice that easy?! I don’t know how to really make him’ wake up’. I run out of ideas.

Yes the only thing we can do is making ourselves better I guess. Its easy to say, but I still find it so hard to not think about him.

[notmyrealname]

Yes he’s just saying something simple as he’s probably already made his mind up what he’s doing tonight. do u have anywhere else you can stay so that your not just sitting there waiting for the time he decides he’s going to turn up home. I just think it sounds like he knows you will always be there.

No of course you can’t stop thinking about the man you love. But at the moment he probably isn’t capable of feeling any sympathy.

Is there anything nice you can do for your self tonight? get a takeaway or dye your hair, do your nails something that is just for you?

[notmyrealname]

Is there anything else going on? I know my husband was terrible for staying out all night when he was grieving a very close relative. No matter what I tried I couldn’t help. They need to learn better coping strategies when they are stressed.

[himbeere]

His life is good tbh. He has a good job, good parents, good wife( I think). I don’t know why he needs the drug to be happy. Now I just feel he can’t get out of this circle. Saying that I just don’t know anymore.

[himbeere]

You are right. He’s perhaps taking the advantage or he doesn’t mind I’m not there for him?

His friends say I should tell his parents as he always listen to his parents. But I feel bad to do that as it will break their heart.

Thanks for your advise. Talking to you does help me a bit. I try not to think about it and keep myself busy.

[notmyrealname]

He’s not in his right mind at the moment so he wouldn’t even be thinking what it would be like if you weren’t there. As far as I know you can only really have a talk about it when they’re not on it and when they aren’t on a terrible come down. If you can catch him sober at all then you could explain what this is all doing to you and your family.

Maybe if you don’t feel comfortable yet telling them what’s going on you could word it that he hasn’t been feeling too well and see if they can help at all? If they were around or if they speak to him they might realise how bad it is. Yes I understand your concern of breaking their heart but I guess if you leave eventually they will find it all out anyway but it would be too late for them to help then.

Did u think of anything nice to do for yourself, you are worth treating yourself and hope that you can realise this.

[himbeere]

Yes he is not him when he’s on it. But the thing is he was sober and he promised me he would be normal from Friday and he knows how much pain he caused me, but he couldn’t control himself, Friday he just went into it again.

Yes they will know eventually. But he may hate me for that, who knows.

I have been texting you and drinking tea. I was thinking having some wine but then I think using alcohol to make me feel better reminds me of him taking coke! What about you? Are you doing anything nice?

[himbeere]

You are right. He’s perhaps taking the advantage or he doesn’t mind I’m not there for him?

His friends say I should tell his parents as he always listen to his parents. But I feel bad to do that as it will break their heart.

Thanks for your advise. Talking to you does help me a bit. I try not to think about it and keep myself busy. And I’m glad that you seems get out of it a bit.

[himbeere]

You are right. He’s perhaps taking the advantage or he doesn’t mind I’m not there for him?

His friends say I should tell his parents as he always listen to his parents. But I feel bad to do that as it will break their heart.

Thanks for your advise. Talking to you does help me a bit. I try not to think about it and keep myself busy. And I’m glad that you seems get out of it a bit.

[notmyrealname]

I am actually having a couple of drinks myself. It doesn’t remind me of him because I will just have a couple, if it was illegal or if someone really wanted me to stop I wouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m going to paint my nails also soon as that’s something I like to do and it makes me feel nice. Have a think if you can about what it is you enjoy? Of course you are longing for him to return but also your a person and what else would make you happy? You can’t really expect for him to bring you happiness in this state at the moment but you can do it for yourself.

Yes I have had all the broken promises it does break your heart but you are strong you can get through this. You have put up with so much already.

It’s easier to chat to a stranger about it because your family and friend have expectations of them and also feel disappointed when they find out. Your not responsible though if his parents find out and are upset as he is doing this not you.

[himbeere]

I admire the way you are thinking. I think I will have a nice bath with candles on and relax. I don’t get much relax really as I have a 6 years old kid.

Yeah there is no point. Even he comes back he just either staying there silently as he’s on it or he goes to sleep for hours. I should think myself. Has your husband been contacting you? I know I don’t want anyone feels as terrible as I feel but it is nice that someone else is out there experiencing what I am experiencing. And we help each other.

[notmyrealname]

I hope you have a nice relaxing bath, and i think you should try to make the time to do this once a week, see if you can make time for yourself it will help you to feel better about yourself. We can’t fix them but we can work on ourselves.

Yes he is having a few good days at the moment but of course I am on guard as we have been through it all before and he has a lot of temptations. For him it wasn’t hotels it’s was friends houses with house parties, i had to tell him I couldn’t tolerate anymore of that and I meant it I really wasn’t going to stick around while he did that, he had to tell his friends I didn’t want him going so of course they thought I’m boring and nagging. But he still has the problem of doing it day to day hanging out with friends and even doing it on his own if I’m at work. I have been doing a lot of reading up on it and accepting it as a disease we are going to work on treating it as that, which means taking it seriously and being open about it. Such as why he does it and what else he could be spending the time doing.

[himbeere]

I had a nice bath thanks. You are right we can’t fix them but we can work on ourselves.

It is a long journey I guess. I have read so much about it as well. But I still think even it is super hard as long as they really want to do it, they can. The problem right now for them is how much they want. I’m tired of living in the worries everyday. It’s been years. Perhaps it’s time to put ourselves first now.

[notmyrealname]

Yes from what I am reading it’s a long journey if you stay with them or not.

Well Im watching a show on Amazon prime called neurosciences of addiction and it’s talking about changes in the brain etc so I think it’s more powerful than we know. I know what you mean why can’t they just shake out of it and put us first but it is like other illness and their body tricks them to think they need this.

I’m glad you are starting to think of yourself. Whether he is there or not you have still got to live and make your life the best you can.

[notmyrealname]

Was thinking of you, and hope you have a better day today .

[himbeere]

Thank you so much!

My husband still hasn’t come back home. And barely get in touched.I’m going to tell him if he just came back for sleep and go back to the drugs then might as well not come back home as there is no point. Really tired of this. Seems I have to try to live without him. It is hard but I will try my best. How’s your day?

[notmyrealname]

I know how you feel we have been through that before, I hope he can do the right thing. My husband did 5 days clean (thats REALLY good for him) and then put him self in a silly situation, got tempted and did it again, back to square one. So disappointed. I had a good day at work though so at least it didn’t ruin my whole day.

[himbeere]

How often does your husband normally do? My husband used to did it once every 3 weeks perhaps on average. But since last month he just has been disappearing taking it daily basis or if he had a ‘ break’ he just sleep.. so after everything, I just think what’s the point he comes home if he only came here for sleep and eat. He hasn’t been home for 4 full days now. Again broke the record. Somehow I feel bad but not that bad. I told him if he didn’t change I will leave..

Where is your husband now? Glad you had a good day at work, that’s what you need.

[notmyrealname]

[notmyrealname]

Well I think he has been doing it most days-maybe every day, with all the lies who would know.

about 18 months ago he had been staying up much later than us and even sometimes when he had came to bed at the same time as me I would wake up in middle of the night 3/4am and he wasn’t there, it seemed like he was having an affair but I found out it was cocaine dealer he was meeting.

When I think he was doing it weekly he used to do that stay out all night I guess because they don’t really have any feeling at the time they’re doing it and they want to stay in the place they can take more of it until they run out of money, then they start feeling down so they come home.

He is at home now but I can’t enjoy his company it’s like sitting with a zombie or a robot, I sometimes think I must be boring company for him to get into that state to want to sit with me.

[himbeere]

So he only started 18months ago? My husband started to take it since he was a teenager, it was more like a going out thing but he never stopped..

Yes that’s what I hate, my husband never lied but when he’s on it the lies just so real, you can’t trust what he says nowadays. And yes even they are not out they just sit there like a zombie. No communication no nothing. So what’s the point at home. But saying that if he is not at home i still feel bad..

It’s definitely not your boring, it’s them in their own world and had not much feeling about others.

Does he work if he takes daily? My husband hasn’t been to work for weeks, I’m surprised he hasn’t got fired.

[notmyrealname]

.

[notmyrealname]

O no he was doing it occasionally years ago but it was something he didn’t do all the time and he seemed to have stopped (unless I just thought he did, maybe got better at hiding it and more lies), but I think a few years ago he had started doing it every night out with his friends, that’s when he was staying out all night.

But then It was about 18 months ago when it got so bad, he was staying up all night and had actually gone and got prescribed anti depressants because he was so down, I was really worried thinking he’s depressed because a close relative had passed away but I didn’t realise this was all come downs, so he was going between the cocaine and the anti depressants and wondering why he didn’t feel good. He was messing work around at this time and ended up on his final warning from being late and calling in sick because of all the upset stomachs, and days feeling down. He was lucky he has a good employer who even though they gave him all the disciplinaries they didn’t fire him. I think that what stopped him staying up all night then coz he was at risk to lose his job.

He come off the anti depressants for a bit but then eventually it came clear he seem to be then taking the cocaine most days.

Yes I’m the same feel I can’t win if he goes out I’m worried I know what he will be doing but he if he stays at home and has done that then I can’t enjoy the time with him at all. Make me feel so distant to him. then I think why is he even with me if he’s taking something that distances him from me.

[himbeere]

How’s your day? How’s your husband? Has he back to normal yet?

My husband just came back home after 5 days disappearing. I planned to tell him if he can’t give me some answers just not come back. But again softness stops me. And I can’t get much out of him while he’s on it anyway.. I don’t hold massively hope.

[notmyrealname]

I see he has returned, I wonder why he suddenly returned? Hope you get chance to speak to him at some point.

Do you manage ok if he’s having to keep paying for these hotels.

Well I think I’m constantly on guard Im not sure what’s back to normal when he does it so often. But he seemed not crazy eyes tonight when I got in.

[drained-and-tired]

My partner was a heavy user and used to have jolting movements when he was lying down, and at times I thought he was having a fit! But its just through constant abuse to their bodies, and I suppose this is what it leads to. He said he couldn’t stop it from happening, so I guess it’s just affects from using drugs heavily.

[dot]

I used to have them uncontrollable twitches as well…

The drug abuse was visible after I stopped the edgyness and twitching take a while to go after stopping.

Mine took 4 months to dissipate fully. I get the odd ones now and again

[himbeere]

Thank you all for your kindly reply. His uncontrolled movement lasted 7 hours last night! I wanted to phone the ambulance! I was worried, I think he is killing himself. This morning when I woke up he made such a mess in every room! Well I could understand due to his uncontrollable movements but as soon as I saw there were empty alcohol bottles I was so angry! After everything he still drank?! I really had enough. He pushed me to the limit. I can not see any future..

Hope you are all ok today xx

[notmyrealname]

How are you? Have you been ok since he got back? Did he stay home now?

[himbeere]

Hi! I’m ok thanks. He has been in bed since he came back really. For me, something a little dramatic happened. I was so broken yesterday as he was in the mood but I didn’t want to tolerate his mood at all even I knew it could be after effect of coke. So I felt so so terrible and cried and cried. But weirdly last evening I suddenly felt good and realise why I rely myself’s happiness on others? I should be happy because I make myself happy not others. They shouldn’t affect me. I need to do anything to make myself happy and focus on myself and my daughter rather than anything else. If we meant to be together happily then we will. If not then that’s fate. I need to be positive of my life! I think we all should feel this way.

So yeah now my aim is to do anything to make myself happy. How about you? Did you have a good day? And how’s your husband?

[notmyrealname]

It sounds like he is on a really bad come down. Also the recovering addicts on here mention about how they would often start arguments so they could get away and do it again, so also bear in mind he could be being horrible so you argue then he feels he has an excuse to go do it again. (when I look back i can recognise times my husband has done this and now I try not to participate in the argument where possible). Also even though it hurts I do notice it passes and when he has gone enough days without coke he goes back to himself.

That’s great that you are thinking to make yourself happy, did you have any ideas? Plans you could make for you and your little one.

Well my husband had been feeling a bit down from having a few days off it and yesterday he actually told me honestly that he had been tempted to go and get some. I felt that was a bit of progress as honesty seems to be very hard for addicts and it feels like a bit of honesty can break the cycle of the lies and sneaking.

[himbeere]

How’s your weekend? I thought my weekend would be better but I guess he had it again yesterday but this time I’m more calmed. I’m not going to lie I still feel sad but not as bad as each time. I try to focus on myself that’s the only opinion I have.

Have you done anything nice?

[notmyrealname]

Well I think that sounds like a good step that he is planning to talk to you. He made another stupid mistake but you still going to need that chat on Sunday either way .my husband keeps going up and down from being very serious about stopping to having it waved in his face that he can’t turn it down. This afternoon he was determined but I see my neighbour have been doing it and also his work colleagues, it’s all around us, he has stayed strong but it has taken some willpower, it’s a big joke to these other people who can take it or leave it but I think that sounds like how it starts out with everyone. Other people are at the stage where their whole lives destroyed by it. I really hope and pray that my husband can say strong, I’m aware he’s likely to slip up again but as you said other day I’m trying to stay positive.

[dot]

10 months 2 weeks clean for me. Not a line not a key no nothing. No drugs.

I had to lose everything to make me stop my wife kids etc.

Had final hearing at court a few days back and got full access to my kids unsupervised after proving I’m clean.

Got a new partner who fully supports me and is aware of my past.

Yes it is possible. But when I used to use I hated myself. I hated the fact I used. Had been told (cgl ) numerous times beforehand. This time was different. I wasn’t letting it steal my life anymore or stop me from being me.

So yes you can stop you just have to want it that bad and let it mess your life up that much that you know there’s no going back.

[himbeere]

Thank you for your message. There is one more people here succeeded, which is always a good news! For me right now is really bad and I can not fee my husband want it that bad despite he keeps saying he knows he needs to change and has to. But so far no hope. Can I ask what made you really stopped, did you go to the meeting or ?

[dot]

Thankyou for the comments.

No what made me stop was myself. My wife left I had nothing left. It took me to lose everything to actually say enough is enough.

I started with routine and diet. Multi vitamins every morning and started exercising going on runs. I changed my friends my lifestyle and everything around me.

.there’s a post called where do I start on these forums it’s got my whole progress from day 14 up till now. All I know is I’ll never go back. Everything’s better in my life and I certainly wouldn’t jeopardize that.

Got a lovely new partner who’s really supportive and just had to fight for my kids in court as well to get access which I won. Too much to lose and it can be lost by me shoving crap up my nose so that’s a no no. It’s a life choice

[himbeere]

So happy for you! Just unfortunately most addicts still haven’t ‘ woke up’ to make the change.

My husband has been in bed 3 days now since came back home. Plus all the pain he caused, he now said he’s fed up with his life, fed up with me that’s why he took more? I never saw that coming as we were happy when he was clean. Is this a drug talk?

You are right, it is not something we can tell him to stop he needs to realise himself. So I may just stop saying anything.

I will take a look of your other post, if he wants to stop or he wants to be with me even. Run out of idea of what I can do to support. I recently think maybe if I’m being positive then I can influence him? Who knows

[dot]

Come down depression that it is very common. Also it’s part of the cocaine cycle.

You use then feel guilt then feel depressed then use again to feel “good”

It’s the cycle that needs breaking unfortunately

[himbeere]

Yes you are right. Last night he said he’s back to normal, he got sick note from doctors and really want to go back to work and he said he will have a good talk to me on Sunday. And he’s ready. I believed him as that’s something he never said to me. But I guess he had it again as he went out hiding although he said he would come back tonight.. thought he would get out of the cycle but clearly not. I guess nothing I need to do as there is not much point. It’s all down to him right?

[danman83]

You have done well just to stop like that. Multi vitamins is good. You need to stock up on these, especially amino acids and gaba, to rebalanced your dopamine levels. You have done everything I preach about, but it wasn’t enough for me so I joined the meetings on boxing day. And it’s helping me so much. Well done mate. I’m happy for you ????????

[danman83]

Well done buddy!! I’m 3 month clean this Friday from coke. I joined CA eventually after always saying I’ll never go. How did u go it mate??

Do you still get cravings?

[cxxx]

Can I ask are u still with her? I feel so awful cos this time I know he has no money lost his job & his phones of, I put money in his bank for his phone bill but then saw 30 come out for porn sites, I’ve had to get out cos what ever I do for him & help him get a van so he can go and be a roofer on his is just not enough & being on this site & your comments is making me stronger & I’m starting not to blame myself for nagging him cos I know he’ll be dead soon, he’s on it every day don’t sleep hides from everyone.

I know I have to move on & me doing this might make him realise he’s lost everything, I need the strength cos I know in a few weeks he will be begging for him back & I can’t go back I’m mentally & emotional amused by him

[danman83]

Yes still with her. 12 years I’ve been with her. Porn and a few other seedy things are apart of cocaine use. On one of the steps in CA you have to do your sexual conduct with your sponsor and some people have slept with dogs on cocaine lol. Don’t worry I’m not saying you partner has lol. It can make u do a lot of seedy things to some people. If he isn’t prepared to quit and he seems really bad. He is just going to drag you down. It’s your decision what you make. But make sure you are not here in 5 years time with the same problem.

[cxxx]

Can I ask are u still with her? I feel so awful cos this time I know he has no money lost his job & his phones of, I put money in his bank for his phone bill but then saw 30 come out for porn sites, I’ve had to get out cos what ever I do for him & help him get a van so he can go and be a roofer on his is just not enough & being on this site & your comments is making me stronger & I’m starting not to blame myself for nagging him cos I know he’ll be dead soon, he’s on it every day don’t sleep hides from everyone.

I know I have to move on & me doing this might make him realise he’s lost everything, I need the strength cos I know in a few weeks he will be begging for him back & I can’t go back I’m mentally & emotional amused by him

[danman83]

One big viscous cycle

[notmyrealname]

Also sounds a bit positive he’s talking about going back to work, I think you really need that chat. Did he come home, does that mean you think he didn’t do it today? And he didn’t stay to the hotel?

[himbeere]

It sounds like your husband had a step ahead which is good. It seems all the stories of the addicts who decided to quit was because they hit the bottom and realised themselves. I’m not sure what is the the bottom for your husband or mine..

Well he said he would like to talk and back to work yesterday but today he’s gone again! The only difference is he said he would come back home tonight rather than disappeared. I hope he will come back home and we can have a chat tomorrow. But until right now he hasn’t come back home. I think he had it, maybe not as much as usual, if he didn’t have anything he wouldn’t go out.

[notmyrealname]

Well I was pleased he resisted with so many temptations in just one day. But It’s like I read on the other posts I am constantly having to keep an eye on him and checking up on him throughout the day, it’s taking all of my energy, I’m not sure if that’s something that can be continued every day.but for now just trying to see if I can support him to make the right decisions.

I hope your husband will come back tonight, it’s just small steps at the moment I guess if he returns then he has made progress not staying the weekend out. See how it goes now

[himbeere]

I totally understand how you feel. Worrying all the time and check everything to see if they lied. It’s a terrible’ routine’.

Guess you had a little bit good news today as your husband resistance! And bit good news for me that my husband just came back home and he said he’s clean and it seems so. Well he went out to his mates to watch boxing which is very ‘ caring’ behaviour to me after everything happened recently! At least he’s home and he’s clean. Hope I will have a better day tomorrow. And you too! xx

[notmyrealname]

I’m pleased for you he came home, it’s Saturday night so that seems like a positive difference. They can’t change overnight but I’m glad you feel like you may be getting an improvement, it’s like a work in progress.

good luck with your talk tomorrow.x

[himbeere]

Hi how’s your day?

I haven’t had a talk with my husband yet as he was in bed the whole day yesterday ! He went to work today but I don’t know why I don’t feel happy about it, Because I still can not feel my husband coming back. I mean he went to work he is clean but I feel everything is depressing. I can not feel his love or apology or anything from him. We just do the every day routine. He went to work he came back we had dinner he watched tv, not a lot communication and I just feel I have nothing to look forward to. I don’t know if you have the same feeling when your husband is sober. I don’t know if it is me or it is the fact. But I know I feel quite low about it.

[notmyrealname]

Yes when my husband is sober he is tired all the time, and not much company at all. He wants to go sleep early then. Exactly like he’s resenting me for stopping his idea of fun. I don’t know why he is here really. I suppose I make it too easy and comfortable for him. If he wasn’t here he wouldn’t be able to carry on like this. I feel like others have said that our life has started to revolve all around him. It’s all about worrying if he has done it or not. To keep check that he’s ok so he’s not tempted to do it. But meanwhile who worries about us, who cares for us and is concerned for our feelings. We just have to look after ourselves.

[notmyrealname]

How are you doing? Did you have a talk with him? How is he getting on now?

[himbeere]

Hello how’s your weekend so far? Has your husband been clean since last time we spoke, he wasn’t attempted last time, wasn’t he?

My husband has been clean since last few awful weeks, he’s back at work and he seems ‘come back’. He acts normal and just like a normal him. We had a little talk last night, he said everything he said to me he didn’t mean as that was a drug talk. And he thinks what happened has hit the bottom to make him stopping. But I choose neither believing him nor not believing him. I guess time will tell. After everything I’m fully aware if he wants to change then he will, there is no point me worrying or asking him for an answer as he can’t give me an answer.

He said he would join the meeting but now he says he thinks he can do it by himself and he doesn’t want to. I don’t know really. But right now I just ‘ let him go’. My husband hardly ever tell people’s his feelings, he is a do-er. So I have to just go with the flow.

[notmyrealname]

Hi,

No it’s been like an emotional roller coaster, he hasn’t been clean all the time, just days on and off so having to put up with the come downs which he doesn’t really have when he’s been doing it constantly. Still have to celebrate and appreciate the effort he has tried to cutting it down. And we did actually have some times when he seemed normal which is unusual for a while.

I hope you had a good Easter.

[notmyrealname]

How are you? Did you see any improvement?

[himbeere]

Hi! Sorry about my late reply. The post was not notified to my email anymore somehow. Hence just saw your message.

How are you? How’s everything at your side?

My situation has been great until now.. he had been clean for 8 weeks and had been really responsible and caring. But until recently I found out I’m pregnant and I thought everything was just working out.. and we both wanted this baby. then he slipped and had it again.. to be honest I am worried more now as there would be a new baby involved..

[notmyrealname]

O himbeere I had similar, mine had been doing so well and despite all the things that happened before I been my best to just put it all to the back of my mind and enjoy that it was going ok and make it work. he had one stressful day at work and he went out and didn’t came back til the next morning. I had to be up for the school and for work myself and I just think I can’t forgive it this time. I just don’t see what’s the point of putting in any effort with him anymore I tried my absolute most to make it work out this time and that’s the result still, I just give up. So upsetting I really do love him but I think I don’t like him anymore. I feel he’s a horrible and selfish person now and it’s break my heart. I feel more angry and disappointed than any other time, I really believed him that he could do it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. do you think it’s just a one off ? 8 weeks is very good for how it was before. Mine had only done a couple of weeks but I was so proud now I came crashing back down.

[llm888]

I know what you mean it’s like a routine and they are grieving not using almost and resentful that we don’t want them to do it.

My partner works away and at its worst later last year it was so bad he wasn’t even going to work he was away but saying his back was bad getting signed off and in the pits. We broke up and then he went on a mission to get sorted and he is much better but he used last week 3 times that I know of mind you it’s easy to tell even though he’s away as his patterns are so predictable. Up all night on social media and when he’s not using coke his account is deactivated so I fear he’s on there chatting to fellow coke users girls I rekkon and dealers etc etc. He has zero get up and go never wants to do anything fun with me when he’s home no sex drive I wonder why I am here tbh. I have no reason to stay other than I love him. But I am getting tired of it tbh and I don’t know how much longer I can starve myself of having a healthy living relationship as unfortunately his love for cocaine way out ways his live for anything else. Sorry we are going through it

[himbeere]

Hello glad we feel the same but of course not glad you are suffering too. Same here,it seems we are suffering when they are here and not here too. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I really try my best to be positive but right now I just feel I have nothing to look forward to, as he didn’t go to work for weeks so he had no holiday left to use, I was looking forward to having a holiday with kid as a family,but now seems not happening. I know my life shouldn’t be controlled by others but he is my husband, he is a big part of my life. But anyway I feel for you, we only can try to keep strong and try to be happy! Take care xx

[llm888]

Absolutely and look after ourselves and family first and that is what I do I don’t plan anything with him at all I just do my own thing and he can watch as I move on in life without him almost it feels xx their choice hun isn’t it xx well I am here if ever you need to vent or chat or anything xx

[himbeere]

I guess all the people here have been very supportive to their husband/ partners. But it seems it is just a matters of time when they pushed us to a limit and we will just give up on them. There are people who managed to stop but it seems it is all down to themselves, it doesn’t really matter what we say or what we do. If they want to do something to change they will. We all have realised since they didn’t care we had to care about ourselves although sometimes it can be hard, very hard. I guess we should turn this forum to how to make ourselves life greater and greater rather than focus on something that we can not control. Hope you have a good day! xx

[notmyrealname]

Yes that’s all we can do is to try make ours and our children’s lives the best we can. Now the weathers getting warmer I’m starting to think of buying us some nice summer clothes as you know we will still have some nice days out if he doesn’t want to join us. I’m thinking of picnics in the park and a walk around in the sun.

[cxxx]

I’ve been on my own a month I felt suicidle & didn’t want to live anymore but for the first time I feel free & looking forward to a better life.

I spent years of everyday is he coming home where has his money gone, losing jobs sleeping for weeks,I was living his addiction but no more I’m free from stress & arguments, I hope u all have a happy ending cos I will now

[himbeere]

I’m happy for you! I bet it was a hard decision but worth it. How’s your partner, did he start o realise something? But yes we all deserve a good ending! xx

[geraldsa]

Hi,

I know your problem is very heavy and I wish you well

I’ve had a similar incident, and I don’t know where to go, but I found an organization that you can contact to help you and it helps me you can call this number https://jpst.it/2sQE1 I hope this helps

they help people who are addicted to it

Take Care

[llm888]

I have come to a realisation we cannot control them they are selfish when they are doing gear they care only about themselves and their next line so like I said I give up trying and caring if he wants to kill himself sniffing white stuff up his nose which turns him into an ugly person he can get on with it and when I have had enough I am going to end it and only then will he probably realise actually he may not even care. We just need to take care of us and our well-being and our family kids and stuff ah and do us xx I don’t know what else we can do I am lost with it all xx

[cxxx]

He’s high on drugs somewhere cos he knows I’ll never go back, so I’ve changed the locks & phone number u never no he might get help now he’s hit rock bottom but I’ll ner go back

[llm888]

This is really brave I hope that I am there soon enough to be able to leave him x have a great day lovelies 🙂

[llm888]

That’s what I do just go about my life as normal do all the things I enjoy with out him. Last night I he was using and he was away with work and he was on social media chatting up girls apparently he added a friend of mine that he didn’t know was my friend what a nightmare. So he’s home tomorrow I stunning what I am going to do or say xx he gave her his phone number x

[cxxx]

It’s heartbreaking I just found out he’s private messaged half the girls in my town when he’s of his nut, they must think I’m a mug when they see me with him, but not no more he can have them I’ve put him in the gutter for ruining mylife & hurting me so bad

[llm888]

I know my bF messages girls when he’s on it too x

[cxxx]

It’s heartbreaking I just found out he’s private messaged half the girls in my town when he’s of his nut, they must think I’m a mug when they see me with him, but not no more he can have them I’ve put him in the gutter for ruining mylife & hurting me so bad

[danman83]

Hiya, stupid question but hope your OK. It turns u into a seedy person that shite. I’m not gonna lie to you. Do what’s best for you and move on and enjoy yourself, don’t know what to say incase I say the wrong thing. But hope your OK. Anyway.

[llm888]

I don’t know what to do I am sat here I visiting him and we at a friends garden they having a few mellow bbq and they are all on gear already I just want to leave but I am 2 hrs away and no car 🙁

[notmyrealname]

so sorry to read your last two messages. Do you have anyone that u could message to pick u up? How far from train station are you? Could you just get a train back and get out of there.

[llm888]

I am ok he only did a few bits o think and we left pretty early but today he has got up with me sensible time we went for breakfast and had a walk to the beach we are back now and he’s fast asleep in bed for the past 3 hrs. I will be going home tomorrow and I am done so I think I will be strong enough to end it x wish me luck x

[notmyrealname]

Glad you are ok. Was worried to see your messages last night. At least you made the most of your morning still. What did you do about the girl having his phone number? Will be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you luck with it all.

[llm888]

Nothing yet I have the evidence so as soon as I have the ending it speech I have proof he can not come back to me with a manipulation or lie I just need to get back home to mine today as he’s driving us he hasn’t used yesterday so we see today he was in a horrible mood yesterday again. I am better than to put up with this crap. Yes I love him but for the life of me I don’t understand why lol xx

[notmyrealname]

You don’t have to stay there if you’re not enjoying yourself or you don’t feel safe. Do you have any family you can contact?

[cxxx]

Thank you I’m trying I’m just gutted

[esta]

When Someone You Love has an Addiction

This is a well written article on addiction that may help

[dot]

.

[lastchancesaloon]

Hey himbeere

I’m of the same age as your husband, nobody here can say if he is addicted or not. But being a user of this I can only give you my experiences. You say it controls him, and the disappearing and lies. These are behaviours of someone with a problem. It is fixable but he has to realise it himself. It must be so hard for you but you need to keep strong. And a little thing you could try, the times he regrets after is your best chance to speak to him about it, not accusing but asking him why he does it if it makes him feel like that, don’t back him in to a corner just listen. when he is like that is genuine feeling like that. Well done you for doing what your doing. And it can always be fixed sorry stay positive.

[christinag]

He will only quit when he wants to. I’ve had to break up with my partner as otherwise the cycle will continue for the rest of our lives. I’ve talked to him about it so many times and asked if he was ready to make a commitment to recovery and our relationship. He always says he is and goes to one or two meetings to keep me quiet and then the inevitable happens….. It’s not possible to have a healthy functioning relationship with a using addict. They will lie, manipulate and deceive you as well as themselves. Addiction is a very sad thing mostly for them but also for us around them. The person they truly are is lost until they want to take the very difficult but not impossible steps to recovery. I hope your husband finds CA and has a positive outcome. Most of all take care of yourself and your own happiness xx

[himbeere]

Hello again

I totally understand how you feel. It’s just you finally got hope and it just disappeared with a blink of eye.How long is the longest he’s keeping clean? Has he improved at all? If he did then perhaps there is chance still? Although I am fully aware it is not easy but like we all say try to put yourself first. When we feel sad they don’t feel a thing, especially when they are on it. But I know it takes a lot for us to make up mind to decide giving up. Be strong no matter what. We need to look after ourselves and kid!

Thank you. But after his slip I don’t know if this baby is the right time to be honest. We both want it but I just can’t convince myself how this can be one off thing and what if it happen again during my pregnancy or after baby born. Imagine he’s disappeared when I’m in labour.. I can’t imagine..

[notmyrealname]

I can’t say for sure how long he did clean as I feel like a detective constantly looking into his eyes at his pupils if he’s been outside a little too long, I’m just not enjoying it anymore it’s turning into a job rather than an enjoyable relationship.

The worst thing is when he’s been on it and he talks as though I want to act like that, saying I’m controlling and saying his friend joked that I’m like a police woman. To be honest if he really wanted to quit I think he wouldn’t be in touch with that friend anymore as they can’t see each other without doing that. I know he did over a week without physically seeing him. I don’t enjoy checking up on him at all, it’s very stressful and makes me very anxious. It’s also upsetting that a grown adult can’t just be trusted, I don’t want to feel like his mother. When he was doing well this time I didn’t tell him what to do I just occasionally was telling him how proud i was, and he seemed so pleased himself. so for him to say I want to control him now his minds changed again is particular upsetting.

Yes he was same as yours when he did well more caring than ever and wanted to be involved with stuff with me and the children, one night of that and that’s it now it’s ruined everything and I’m just there longing for the person I saw last week, I don’t even like this ‘other person’ and to be honest wish he wasn’t in my house.

Yes usually I try to stay positive but last night I just cried and cried until I fell asleep that’s why I didn’t see your reply. I just can’t see a way forward for us and it breaks my heart to realise and accept that.

That is hard decision for you to make and you have to do what’s right for you. Maybe have a think about what would you decide if he wasn’t in the picture at all. I think I would have had more children myself if he hadn’t turned out to be this unreliable person. I see what your saying about the worst timing to find out about the pregnancy, it is so hard and a very emotional time. Do you have other people around who can support you any siblings or parents?x

[himbeere]

I think you are perhaps reaching the limit point. I had a break down back in March when he was out for a month on and off. But after that, weirdly I felt better as my attention wasn’t on him anymore. It’s a weird thing, sometimes we just unfortunately had to reach some point to realise something. I think you could just ‘let him go’ I mean no need to focus on him and I used to be like you, checking everything but after March I realised ONLY himself can change not us not anyone. Only he finally realised how much damage he made and he couldn’t carry on like this anymore then he can change, otherwise it just doesn’t work. I read so many stories about people who is addict and managed to quit. They are all like hit a bottom and realise they need to change. My husband was the same, March was his bottom( I hope) and he totally changed for 8 weeks. I know he had it again this Friday but 8 weeks clean which was never happened before. My point it needs themselves to realise they need change. All our talkings sometimes is just waste of breath. You have tried your part if he can change it’s happy ending but if not, you just have to think what’s the best for yourself and the kid. It’s hard I totally understand. As we are the same.

My husband had it on Friday night and he came back home at 9 yesterday. He said he didn’t do anything just stay in his car the whole day. He said obviously it was a mistake and waste of time, but he found out this time it was not as enjoyable as every other time I don’t know if it is a good thing. All my trust built this 8 weeks have gone. My parents live abroad and I’m the only child. I have a kid with previous marriage, my ex cheated on me so we divorced. Now with my current husband, I do want a kid with him. But I just worry. I don’t mind hard work despite I don’t really have support here but I just don’t want to have 2 kids in the broken family. I know despite his addiction he would never abandon his kid, but I just don’t want to go through everything again. He said he wants the kid, it will help him about addiction too. It’s hard, really hard.

[esta]

I feel your pain I really do; I have been there.

My ex wanted a child but his addiction became bigger and more important than anything including us. Home changed from a house full of love and laughter and became a place where he came to recharge his batteries between binges. Sorrows for the last binge and then causing rows to get out on the next one.

One thing I have to say is consider all the pain and stress you are going through.

If you have a child together and he does not totally turn away from the addiction; ALL the feelings and chaos you are experiencing will be felt by your child also and amidst this will you be able to concentrate on being the parent you want to be, and to be supported yourself with the love and care you deserve.

You are already describing that you feel better when he was away and you could concentrate on yourself.

He has a wonderful caring woman in his life who loves and supports him and unfortunately the addiction is still a stronger pull. It’s heartbreaking ???? sending you strength

[himbeere]

You are totally right! That’s what I worry about. I have a kid with my ex, my husband treats her really well but he never wanted a kid, only until this month he decided to have one and it just happened. I always want a kid with him though. He is the type of person when he is not ready, no matter what he just won’t do it. So for him if he wants a kid he would do anything to have it and look after the kid. Perhaps I just naively have faith. I do want this kid to be honest, but I do worry.

So you left your ex, how is he now? And how are you?

[notmyrealname]

Well himbeere my husband has had some good days but mostly just slipping back into doing it and then saying he’s feeling disappointed in himself. He says the same as yours that he doesn’t actually enjoy doing it much anymore as it’s gone on so long, but it’s a habit, he doesn’t even know why he goes to get it ,he says it’s like an urge he can’t stop himself from going. I don’t see what I can do because I’m at work myself I can’t be there all the time, and even if I could I think it would be torture for both of us trying to supervise someone 24 hours a day, and I don’t want to live like that. So for now I have to try to be optimistic when he’s done well and then suddenly massive disappointment when I realise he’s doing it again. He even acknowledges himself how much it changes him, although I read other people saying that it’s typical of a comedown feeling sorry that they’ve done it once it’s too late, all the regret, but it’s hard to accept as when it’s your own husband you just want to believe them, you want to hope it’s genuine and they won’t do it again because they regret it so much.

It honestly is just true that there’s only so much that anyone can put up with.

[notmyrealname]

How have you been since?

[esta]

I had to leave it was such a vicious cycle

When I read on thus forum it helps as I remember how bad things were

[himbeere]

It is definitely a vicious cycle. sometimes I feel perhaps this drug is so powerful that people just can’t control it. However, there are people managed quitting it. It is all just down to the person I guess.

It is surely heartbreaking for the people who loves them. Especially to the people like us who lives with them and suffer the pain everyday.

Hope you feel better now and yes time is a good healer. We only can try to keep strong and be happy. xx

[lilgunner]

Hi, I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been through and are going through. It’s totally heart breaking isn’t it.

Was it due to cocaine that impacted his mental health problems? A good friend of mine is currently receiving therapy for his cocaine addiction, but he’s no where near ready to stop, he basically looks for a reason when he can use again. At the moment he is on average using once a week/fortnightly. His behaviour on drugs is over the top, he blames it on the drugs and when he is not using he sounds so remorseful, but cold at the same time. My heart is heavy with the knowledge he is slowly killing himself. I know he is manipulative, as drug users usually are. I just want to help and support him, but my kindness is wearing thin. I read a while ago, when an addict is pleased with you, you’re doing what they want, when they’re annoyed at you, you’re not enabling them.

[esta]

Hi yes – In Patient -Totally due to crack cocaine

He has a bleed on the brain and psychosis he is currently on an observation ward for full diagnosis

Wandering around begging for money and asking the staff to get him some ‘white’

He started off doing £80 every other weekend then it was every weekend.

To 500/600 every weekend.

To eventually 1-200 everyday he was running dealers around to help pay; and stealing from me as well

His morals were completely in the toilet by the end.

His mum was in hospital and he went and got her debit card from the ward saying he needed 20 for diesel and spent 800 in 3 days.

It was complete chaos at the end

I have read so many times on here “Get out now; and run for your life” best advice it really is; as they will manipulate you every way they can to keep you running their addiction and lives as long as you are prepared to put up with it.

[esta]

He was the love of my life and I will never get over losing him

[llm888]

Why do they do this going around in circles it’s awful my ex does this I have broken up with him as I can not accept the deceit and lies and mood swings and never having money to do anything or the energy he’s always in bed recovering from a coke benders he is the love of my life also but the effect it has had on me if beyond it.

I am trying to distance myself from him and his messaging. His paranoid outburst he can swing from 4 different emotions in one letter or text from hating me, to trying to manipulate me and making me feel sorry for him to lying to claiming undying love. I think he is mentally ill.

I think that coke is an escape from his breaking which is only making his mental state worse I fear he will never change never see the light of day with his coke abuse he will die and early death as his benders are extreme. It’s so sad it truly is.

We have to stay strong and look after ourselves and our own mental well being.

I try to stay focused on why I don’t want that life and always think I have to move forward everyday xx I am so sorry we are here in this situation x

[himbeere]

It certainly ruin their mental health and physical health! It is a devil! When they are on it, they are just not them, it is just a selfish and terrible person, who doesnt care about anything. And I also hate the after effect. I can imagine it took a lot for you to make a decision to break up with him.

For me, I just havent made up my mind to give up on my husband. He was clean for 8 weeks and slipped. he told me this time he didnt enjoy as much as usual. And he just will do it. He went back to work yesterday after weekend drama and nothing seemed happened.. I trust him as my husband, but of course i dont trust if he is on it. I still want to keep our kid although I am worried.. perhaps I am so stupid, only thing I can do is wait and see for now.

[llm888]

Honestly I sit and wonder what I have done that’s so bad I am being out through this as well.

He just cannot see what he’s doing to himself or his family or me when I was with him.

It kills me everyday to walk away I am receiving council king to try to help me he doesn’t know this.

I find it so hard to not speak to him as I feel I am abandoning him and he is ill. But he abandoned me which was the last straw my sister who I am so close with last month has been diagnosed with cancer in her kidney I was devastated he lied and said he couldn’t come home and that he had stuff to do at work even though he was on leave (he’s in the military) and then went on a bender disappeared for 2.5 days the popped back up like nothing happened that was the last straw for me. He rattles on saying he will always be there for me when he does that all because of coke it’s evil stuff. He goes on social media chatting to women he told my mate that since we split 4 weeks ago he’s had one night stand which I don’t believe as he can’t even perform on the stuff so I doubt that but anyway he still went off with another women.

I am heartbroken but I swear I will not shed another tear over him he sure as hell isn’t shedding any over me. He contacts me ever time the day after a coke night because he’s feeling shut and sorry for himself that’s selfish he won’t leave me alone so I am finding it hard to move on omg it’s a mess so sorry we are all going through it xx

[esta]

https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

The Love Over Addiction Podcast

A free podcast for women who love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction.

These are really good x

[esta]

How are things

[cxxx]

Thankyou I’m going to listen to it now, I’m feeling so drained I hope it helps me x

[cxxx]

Thankyou I’m going to listen to it now, I’m feeling so drained I hope it helps me x

[himbeere]

Hello it has been a mix.. he has been clean for 6 months but one slip. I thought that’s it, but after that it has just been worse.. some good days and bad days I have to say. He was in bed for days just right before our baby born this Jan. then he has been clean and very helpful since until yesterday. And now he’s still outside somewhere and I can not get hold of him. He sent me message to apologize but he’s still not home. I don’t know what to think.

What about you?

[himbeere]

Hello it has been a mix.. he has been clean for 6 months but one slip. I thought that’s it, but after that it has just been worse.. some good days and bad days I have to say. He was in bed for days just right before our baby born this Jan. then he has been clean and very helpful since until yesterday. And now he’s still outside somewhere and I can not get hold of him. He sent me message to apologize but he’s still not home. I don’t know what to think.

What about you?

[himbeere]

Hello it has been a mix.. he has been clean for 6 months but one slip. I thought that’s it, but after that it has just been worse.. some good days and bad days I have to say. He was in bed for days just right before our baby born this Jan. then he has been clean and very helpful since until yesterday. And now he’s still outside somewhere and I can not get hold of him. He sent me message to apologize but he’s still not home. I don’t know what to think.

What about you?

[notmyrealname]

I was wondering how you were with the baby. Congratulations. Wow he did six months that is a big change, I don’t know how they can be so naive to think it’s only one time, they all seem to do that, I don’t get it are they testing themselves to see if they are still an addict.

Well mine has just been up and down over and over since I spoke to you last. There’s no point having any hope anymore it’s just been disappointment every time. I pretty much gave up with him, I went to stay somewhere else for a week a few months ago then he said he wanted to change his life, did the zoom support meetings but then it started creeping back up and before you know it was ‘you can’t tell me what to do anyway’. I don’t know why I have bothered.

[himbeere]

Thank you. Well it was great he was clean for that long time but after that it’s just worse and worse. And even right now he’s still not home. I just really don’t understand. He has been so fine since baby born and he booked and paid for a night away for us for this weekend but he just disappeared. He sent message saying how sorry he is and he’s a failure then why he’s still doing it and staying outside not coming home. I just don’t understand. There is no sign or anything, he just does it out of blue. Like you said you can’t hold hopes with them it seems.

It seems we can’t do anything but not to be too sad. I don’t have too much choice, I have a daughter and a new born baby to look after. Having the meeting for your husband sounds like a good start, it probably takes time to make progress. Mine keeps saying he can do it , meeting does nothing. But clearly he can’t control himself.

So how are you now? Assume you still live with your husband.

[himbeere]

Thank you. Well it was great he was clean for that long time but after that it’s just worse and worse. And even right now he’s still not home. I just really don’t understand. He has been so fine since baby born and he booked and paid for a night away for us for this weekend but he just disappeared. He sent message saying how sorry he is and he’s a failure then why he’s still doing it and staying outside not coming home. I just don’t understand. There is no sign or anything, he just does it out of blue. Like you said you can’t hold hopes with them it seems.

It seems we can’t do anything but not to be too sad. I don’t have too much choice, I have a daughter and a new born baby to look after. Having the meeting for your husband sounds like a good start, it probably takes time to make progress. Mine keeps saying he can do it , meeting does nothing. But clearly he can’t control himself.

So how are you now? Assume you still live with your husband.

[notmyrealname]

I don’t really know what’s going on, I’ve told him to go so many times if he isn’t going to sort himself out, but he won’t leave, so we are here living here together but I don’t feel married to him. I don’t like him. The kids are sick of the way he behaves. They don’t have a proper dad just some selfish man lol who wants to get involved when he feels like it. I told them he is ill, isnt feeling very well as I guess he is, but unlike most sick people there is help out there and he won’t take the treatment , well at least not regularly, he goes on and off the meetings, if he stuck to it i think he could get better. I think I will have to leave myself which I have been putting off as it’s my house.

[himbeere]

Does your husband still work? yes I agree with you. meeting would be helpful, although my husband has joined any meeting yet! my husband seems back to ‘normal’ again after 5 days staying in a hotel. I joked to him that he must be a VIP membership of that hotel now.. my life is really busy right now, with my daughter and a 7 weeks old son, and work. Funny enough, even my husband said I should leave him and find better life. I guess we still hold hope somehow, hence we are still here.

[notmyrealname]

Yes the meeting works but only if he keeps at it, as soon as he thinks he can do it on his own then he messes up. I keep hearing that Ed sheeran bad habits song and it’s the part where it says ‘falling over everything to reach the first time spark’, I think explains a lot, this is what seems to happen he says he doesn’t know why he does it when he hasn’t done it for a few days but i think they like to see if they can get that feeling they had when they first tried it, and because he doesn’t then he feels depressed and the whole cycle starts for a few days.

[sandy7]

Hello..

For some reason I decided today to come onto this forum and speak about my story.

4 or 5 years ago I discovered my boyfriend (of then 10years) was hiding a cocaine addiction. I have been through years of hell. We have 2 young children and his addiction destroyed everything. I would look through these pages for support and hope.

After a very long journey.. many break ups.. much deceit.. times when I was extremely concerned for the person I loved and hated all at the same time. I Can say he is 18 months clean and we have a brilliant relationship and family life.

He tried everything CA, hypnotherapy, we had an agreement that I was able to check his banking app at any time (to check for withdrawals to buy drugs) as he wanted my help.. at the end of the day I think he realised what he was losing and hit rock bottom. There were many relapses along the way.. I learned to know when he was lying and what to look out for so although he tried to lie in the end he couldn’t.

He worked out his triggers (a certain route home from work.. going to the pub) so avoided.

I wanted to give people on here some hope as I was once you. But my goodness I know the hell you are going through. And it has made me paranoid every time he’s out.. but I’m getting there. Please take a look at what you are and have dealt with and give yourself some love and make sure to be taking care of yourself.

[himbeere]

Hello

Thanks a lot for your encouraging story/message. You and him must feel so happy about his achievement. we all know how hard it is.

My husband always say he has hit the bottom and realised he really needs to change. Yet he still takes it. When he’s not on it, everything is so good that I almost forgot. you mentioned there were many relapses along the way for your boyfriend, how did he eventually stop it? I dont know if I should hold any hope for my husband, he is just so nice and normal until it just happened out of blue.

Anyway, so happy for you two. we finally have some one here actually beat the evil.

[notmyrealname]

Hi sandy, that is great to hear. So did he use the 12 steps? Or just do it on his own?

[notmyrealname]

What I don’t get though is why his feelings are so important, how can anyone be that self absorbed to ruin everything just to try and feel a certain way, I just don’t understand.

[sandy7]

Hi.

Sorry I took ages to reply.

In the end I think he just truly wanted it to stop. He’d considered suicide and knew he wasn’t the father he wanted to be for his kids and I was talking about selling the house.

Each time I found out he’d lied about taking it I kicked him out and he would stay at his mums or his friends (for weeks at a time). In the end when he finally came back he told me all the things I should look out for to know if he’s taking it. He explained even though he wanted me to know he took it he couldn’t find the words and just lied. I said I understood relapses would happen and if he told me wouldn’t be so bad.. so he would tell me or ‘let me find out’ such as let me see money is missing. I was always angry and upset it had happened but tried to make it clear it was better that he told me than lied. He knew if I kicked him out again he couldn’t/wouldn’t go back to his mums or friends so I think that was a big thing for him to stop and he just really wanted to stop. He found CA unhelpful, didn’t follow the 12 step plan (this is just his personality) he did do hypnotherapy which was another agreement we had in the end when he came back and that did massively help him (over zoom in covid).

Other than his own determination, honesty and possibly the hypnotherapy there’s no answer to how he really done it. Oh and massively avoided the triggers and was open with friends around him so they knew not to tempt him with triggers. I hope some of this is helpful.

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