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Hello everyone,
it’s been quite a little bit of time since I last posted on the forum… but I think of you all every day. My husband has suffered quite severely for the most of his life with cocaine addiction. To make a long story a little shorter, i’ll cut to the chase. He’s had so many relapses and periods of sobriety lasting a few weeks here and there. He has been attending CA meetings since February this year and has had two relapses within this time.
he has been sober for over 60 days and has recently got his 60 day token from the CA meeting. Since he has been attending CA meetings, he has A really big problem with me and it’s almost like he genuinely genuinely hates me now he’s clean. He stonewalls me, makes me feel absolutely useless every day and constantly has a chip on his shoulder. He keep saying things to me like “ you’re not my boss, i’m not your bitch, stop trying to control me” and genuinely going above and beyond to do anything to push my boundaries to make me snap. It’s almost as if I’m being punished and made to look like an absolute control freak at every given opportunity. I promise you I am not a control freak and it is genuinely the most simple things that set him off into a rage. For example, I drove The car today and he was like “ I’m sick of being a passenger, you’re not my boss you can’t tell me why I need to go.” It’s really really getting to me. He genuinely doesn’t care about me anymore and it hurts a lot. He told me this morning that we need to stay extra busy today as he was feeling a mega craving to go on a bender, so I offered to pay and take us both away for the night, wherever he wanted. He point blank refused and it never happened we just argued all day, and he has since said tonight that he would rather do anything but go away with me. He treats me like I’m worthless and I can’t decide whether he’s always been this way but has been ‘self medicated?’ by his extreme cocaine use and I have just never seen it before, or if this is a reaction to his withdrawal? I’m genuinely trying my hardest in the marriage, alongside having a full time job, studying for a psychology degree, with three children and a dog. I’m really trying to just ‘keep swimming’ and I really thought that once he was sober things would go back to normal, but the reality is.. i don’t know what our normal is anymore. Have we just been happy cause he’s been an addict and this is the real him? I’ve lived 13 years of lies and I feel like an imposter in my own story. I’m heading for a huge breakdown and I genuinely think he would celebrate if if I did. I’ve come out for a drive tonight after the horrific things he’s said to me and he hasn’t once checked on me. When did I become so needy? Is it too much to ask for to not be completely stonewalled into being unrecognisable.
happy weekend everyone, thank you for not making me feel alone x
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Hello.
I wish you all help and support and you are not alone.
I am thinking and praying for you all.
My daughter was 12 months clean, living a fantastic life, now relapsed.
Should I spend another fortune on rehab or walk away, I am desperate today.
I know you all are too.
God bless you all
Helen
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Hey Bellapop, I just happened to come on here and saw your post! Great that he’s done 60 days. But so sorry to hear that he is acting this way!! You are doing amazing coping with everything with the kids as well as having to deal with what sounds like a really horrible atmosphere on top of everything. Have you confided in anyone about what’s happening?? Make sure you look after yourself as it doesn’t sound like he is being at all supportive. It’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not after a while isn’t it – I’ve felt the same – but I guess what is real is how he is treating you now and the effect that’s having on you – there’s no excuse but it does sound like he’s taking all his cravings out on you. Sending hugs and I hope things have got a bit better since you posted xx
(my update – we’re still separated and I guess I’m still holding out some hope he will sort himself out but it’s now been 10 months so I’m not very optimistic. It is much less stressful though apart from being exhausting with the kids and sometimes being wracked with guilt that I’ve done the wrong thing!)
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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi bellapop,</p>
Hope you’re doing okay, I’m sorry to read your story and you’re certainly not alone. I agree with fayzey, definitely look after yourself and talking about everything helps so much – it’s taken me almost a decade to talk to anyone about the stress and heartbreak of loving an addict, but I feel like a weight has been lifted since talking to someone about it.My partner suffers with addiction and mental health issues and whilst I’m definitely no doctor have you considered he may be suffering with a personality disorder or similar? From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like he’s of sound mind. The ‘controlling’ thing especially it sounds more than just cravings. I’m not justifying his behaviour in any way – it sounds horrific for you and your family.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Has he got any professional support apart from CA? CBT, or any mental health support? Is he even willing to have these things? I’ve recently come to the realisation that it’s too much to deal with on your own and professional support is there for them (and also you) – but for him, only if he wants it. It’s a tough subject to bring up, but it genuinely feels like a weight is off your shoulders when it’s not all on you to deal with any more.</p>
You’re such a strong person for holding the family together despite everything you’re going through. I hope it doesn’t take him long to see how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Stay strong and take care of yourself.</p> -
Bella what you’re going through sounds like emotional abuse and you don’t need to put up with this. There is no obligation on you to stand by someone while they treat you terribly. Good on him for getting sober, but if you aren’t happy with the person he is – and I can’t see anything in your posts to suggest there’s any happiness or reason to be together – I’d be getting him out the house and moving on with my life. You’ve likely already been through so much with his addiction, life is too short to be treated like that by someone who claims to love you.
I have a partner in recovery just now and if he was speaking to me like that there’s no way he would be anywhere near me. I would be having a serious conversation with your man to find out why he’s behaving like this, make it clear how it makes you feel, and if it continued he would be out and I wouldn’t look back. You deserve so much better than this x
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Hello all
im so sorry to read all these, I’m still going through it too why or why. He promised he would stop that I was everything he needed. All lies…… I’ve been back home 6 weeks and he hasn’t stopped. Still lying to me, I’m at breaking point agin, I wish there wasn’t so many other things that are stopping me from walking back out that door.
I have just found it in the car ffs. I m sitting on my own again. breaking my heart.
I want a normal life like we all do.
Bellapop I can’t believe he is sober and behaving the way he does. It must be horrible to live like that. I agree with bubbles he needs to check out mental disorder that could he could be helped for. either that or paws is right it’s mental abuse and you don’t need that. I’m so sad for you, you have gone through hell, and still are. Please take care of yourself.
navy xx
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I’m so sorry you are going through this Navy. I know that horrible sinking feeling well, when you know it’s all going wrong again but can’t even bring yourself to ask the question as you know all you’ll get is lies in response.
Sticking by them through addiction is such a tough one as yes it’s good for them to have the support but also as addicts they can easily fall into their bad habits. I let my partner back into the family home after just a month and a half separation and within weeks he was becoming more distant, turned out he was struggling having returned to the job he was used to using at and rather than talk to me and his meetings, he had taken to using opiate painkillers. He’s now back out of the house again and thrown himself into meetings, sees me when he can but the main focus is on recovery with CA and his sponsor. I don’t know if there is a “right” way of doing it but for us it was definitely too soon to be back together and acting like all was normal as he went right back to hiding things.
I hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you soon, but remember you are important in all of this and don’t let anyone disregard your feelings. I don’t know your own circumstances of course but sometimes having a bit of space between you can be a lifeline x
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@bellapop it really sounds unbearable how he is treating you – are you sure he isn’t secretly using?? A few years ago mine pretended to go to groups for months and had a sponsor at one point but was actually out smoking heroin each night. Either way his behaviour is so unacceptable – maybe he has got mental health issues as others said. Do you have any options? Would you ever consider leaving or is it not possible?? Really hope the rest of your weekend is better xx
No word from mine now for weeks. Only once when he wanted me to do something for him, no contact with the kids, my youngest keeps asking for him which is heartbreaking as I don’t really know what to say – I had an operation a few weeks ago and he promised he would come and help me with the kids and he never turned up, and I haven’t seen him since!!
hi bubbles, my now ex has been diagnosed with a personality disorder too- I’m finding it really hard to deal with his behaviour/lack of empathy and also now looking back at everything that’s happened and wondering has everything been a big lie/manipulation or was any of it real?? Do you find that?
so sorry Navy that yours has gone back to it, I had the same numerous times you must be feeling so hurt and disappointed. Really hope he sorts himself out.
that all sounds really positive Paw and sounds like you’ve definitely done the right thing – I hope mine has the strength to do that one day. Have you got kids? At the moment I think he’s taking the easy way out unfortunately…
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Hi fayzey
oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, you must be in limbo not knowing if, when he will be back. How old is your little one? I wouldn’t know where to start to help you as a family, but I’m here to listen and for you to know your not alone. Im hoping you and your children will get a better life without him. It will be hard but will get better. You sound like a strong woman. Look after you and the children will be happy to have a fun loving happy mum,
I’m lucky in one way, I don’t have children. I just wish I knew more about this drug and its addiction, the reason why they take it? Why we are not enough for them? Why they have become reliant on it to feel happy.
take care all you lovely people xx
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Hi Fayzey,
was he diagnosed with borderline?
I strongly believe my partner has borderline personality disorderwas he off drink and drugs when he was diagnosed? His GP said he won’t refer him to mental health team until he’s been sober for 3 months but he can’t make it that far and obviously people with personality disorders struggle majorly with addiction and I would have thought that this would be taken into possible consideration
he was once sober for 6 weeks a year ago and I noticed a few odd behaviours/episodes which shocked me as I thought if he stopped the drink and drugs that all that would stop. It was less frequent but when it happened really shocked me.
xx
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Hey m, he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, he was sectioned at the time so hadn’t had drink or drugs but only for a matter of weeks. Previously he had been heavily using crack hence ending up sectioned! It’s really hard to get a diagnosis I think and they definitely go hand in hand with addiction – when he is clean and taking his meds the symptoms are much more controlled but I just don’t know now whether that was all a big lie – I just can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth unfortunately….
That’s frustrating the gp wont refer him, have you tried to get another gp’s opinion? Does he engage with any addiction services that could help? What kind of behaviour was he doing? Xx
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Thanks for ur reply Fayzey I get exactly what u mean about not knowing what to believe and what was real and not real, you have really been through it haven’t you and are being really strong 🙂
No we haven’t had second opinion. he’s lied to them saying he’s clean, he missed assessment appointment for mental health team and has another appointment on Saturday morning with out of hours Gp to get another referral to MH team which he will probably miss due to being off his nut again!
I’ve explained to him That if he’s not clean they don’t get a true picture of what his mental health issues are. He also knows he may get a higher disability payment by doing this and I feel that’s the main incentive. He was working but lost job a month ago due to missing days off due to drugs.
he had self referred to a drug service but didn’t engage and keeps promising to go back to CA and doesn’t. Went to a couple and didn’t carry on. we go around and around in circles. He comes home a mess saying he’s done with drugs and it starts a few days later
<p style=”text-align: center;”>he’s currently missing on one of his benders left yesterday afternoon telling me he’s going to prove to me he can meet a friend without going missin and using drugs which we both know is crap and he’s done it again. I feel manipulated. it makes me so worried he’s going to overdose and paranoid he’s cheating and just pure angry and hurt. He said it’s just drugs and he uses as a release from the pain he’s feeling and then feels guilty so avoids me and carries on. I tell him just check in with me please. I cry everytime he goes out now as I’m so triggered by what’s coming next. We had just come back from a lovely little break that we also got there a day late to due to him bein too intoxicated to drive after being on one for 3 days.his mum and brother died of overdose in last year 2 yesrs , he’s done bereavement counselling which I’m proud of him for but no point while he’s not clean more than a few days and he’s also not feeling his feelings properly yet as he’s understandably in shock and numb from drugs. He had a drug problem before this though which he doesn’t like to admit so much. His children’s mum has told me all about what his addiction did to her. I’ve been recently told by a mutual friend he’s been also smoking crack with them too.</p>
in terms of his behaviour standard bpd male behaviour which makes sense due to his childhood. He can shut his empathy off and go into complete black and white thinking when he feels attacked and paranoid and then lash out and almost punish me by his warped idea that I was trying to do him over type of thing and then a narcissist type overlay with it. Abandonment issues, neediness , double standards, lack of full accountability at times etc takes days to apologisewhen he’s not triggered he’s loving and Caring and great company but the problem is I’m so resentful now due to the disappearing and lies it takes days for our relationship to get on a positive foot after for the rubbish to just start over again.
I’m honestly absolutely livid and at my wits end and am running out of patience and empathy for all of it, I’ve tried everything to help when he’s asked, found him a recovery rehab place he stayed at for 6 weeks , paid for private addiction help, alsorts, support us financially to cover costs from missing work and money wasted on drugs, my health is suffering and exacerbating my pre existing conditions and I’m trying to hold down my job.
I keep telling him to be honest he doesn’t want to be clean and he insists he does
I know I should kick him out, I’m very close to it when he finally reappears this time .
sorry for the long message. Am overwhelmed.
xxx
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M, I’m so sorry to read this. Your situation sounds so similar to mine – apart from the going missing for days. That sounds absolutely terrifying! Especially when you know he has the tendancy to be reckless. Does he go through stages of wanting to be clean and talking about addiction like its a burden and then the next talking about it like it’s a saviour and allows him to do all these things he wouldn’t be able to without the drugs?
How much more of this should we take? If this is what they’re like when we’re so kind and loving to them, what will they be like if we decide to leave?
It’s so hard to be in love with an addict, I feel my own self has been lost in the process and I’m just sort of in limbo, hoping he’ll decide to sort himself out. It’s taken years to realise I can’t do anything except support him, but at what point do we support ourselves?
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Hi bubbles,
I’m so sorry to hear about the hell u are going through, u really are in the thick of it, the overdose sounds so scary and tonight sounds like a nightmare that sadly u are probably too used to. He doesn’t talk about drugs as if they are a saviour exactly he will act as though they are a burden, change number avoid friends and family then make plans to go to a meeting, promise a specific day and then not go as I think he thinks he’s no longer an addict in his few days clean lol, then start’s craving but doesn’t open up so will try to sleep then when that doesn’t work makes a stupid excuse to go and do something with one of his friends or family leaves the house and draws money straight out. His brothers are also addicts and when he’s gone 2 weeks off drugs twice since the 6 weeks he did he’s relapsed both times with his brother after trying so hard. His brother doesn’t care.
But he will at times say it Helps him to feel better but from what I can see he appears completely depressed when he’s on one, a shell of himself, not chatty or outgoing more dissociated at times Or he may normalise it saying I’m having a few beers after a hard days work, his perspective constantly shifts. he often asks me to come places with him in car so that he’s not tempted to use after so tries damage control or asks me to block his card while he’s out then calls me and begs for me to unblock, it’s honestly so inconsistent.
His mum also used to go missing on drugs for days when he was a child so this is all very engrained.
It’s really scary as he drives about of his face and has crashed before and had car impounded another time , loads of tickets and does crime sometimes while he’s out with certain friends, robbing cannabis grows.
I really hope your partner gets the right help for both of ur sakes. Please update on diagnosis if u don’t mind.
And yes ur right about how much should we take!!
Do u ever get scared u will be replaced easily if you end it? I’ve done a few times but not for long enough and each time he begs me back and really upset but I’m always still scared to do it in a way. It’s silly really.
Or he will send a message before and beg me not to leave him
And how he wants to make me happy etc.
I feel like I have no life as I’m too drained to go out with my friends and when he’s sober me leaving house is a bit of a trigger for him to get on one.
It’s all madness!!!!!!
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I didn’t add specific behaviours in my last message but paranoid things like accusing my friends of being lesbians and trying to get with me.he was angry that I booked a hotel to go on a spa break in new year with my friend after he gone missing 3 weekends in a row n I spent new years alone. I was trying to have a break away to build my strength . He was saying we need it more as a couple and because I didn’t want him to come with me he then ruined my whole time by being uncontactable the first night and contacting me off his face the second day and trying to find out what the hotel room number was n completely paranoid, I had to alert reception. My friend left early as she was so stressed. Barely any break from this crap.
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I totally know what you’re going through M, mine would disappear for days too but then have weeks and sometimes months in between where things were supposedly good but looking back I was constantly anxious waiting and watching for the next time – which always happened at the worst possible time, just before holidays, just after holiday, my birthdays, same as you he would go for a ‘sensible’ drink and swear blind he’d be home at a certain time then just vanish, one time like this he ended up writing my car off and getting arrested, I had to hunt for my car the next day as all my stuff including baby seat was inside but couldn’t get in as police had my keys ????but still gave him another chance and a few more after that! But then things seemed great, he had everything he could ever have wanted in life and we were getting on great, I let my guard down and then when I wasn’t expecting it he got back into it in a big way right under my nose and I never noticed a thing for 3-4 weeks, he was doing up to 4 grams a day – I’m not naive about it and can’t believe I didn’t see it straight away. He denied it to my face many times. After that I knew that I just can’t put up with it any more as he will never change and I can never trust him, unless he is in recovery for maybe a year and showing commitment to it I won’t have him back. He’s only been to 2 meetings since and I took him to both otherwise he couldn’t be bothered which says everything I think.
It’s a horrible roller coaster and they drag you down with them if you let them into their life of drugs, general lack of morals, and family members who think it’s perfectly normal to take drugs together and in my experience actively encourage the ongoing addiction.
Do you think he will ever stop given his family history and everyone around him? Or is this just normal for him? My ex wanted to change and that’s why he wanted to be with me I think as he saw that as a chance to get out of that life, but at the same time a bit like yours he didn’t want to fully let it go. I’ve spent nearly all my energy over the last 6 years helping him, looking after him, taking him to appointments, etc etc to the point I’ve ended up making myself ill – as much as you want to help sometimes you have to realise who’s helping you? He’s not your responsibility as hard as that is – many people have told me that and I’ve ignored it as I felt like I was the only one who could help… in a way I hope I don’t hear from him as I’m not sure I can stick to it if he gets in touch and wants help again, it’s so hard!
also same re the extra PIP money, mine is exactly the same and maybe that will be the motivation yours needs to get diagnosed. Have to say now he is not taking the meds and is spending his PIP on drugs. He has missed his appointments with the mental health service so I think they might stop seeing him. Going from bad to worse really.
sorry feel like that was a lot of negativity! I think I need more caffeine to get through this bank holiday lol. Stay strong and look after yourself and hope all you ladies are doing good today.
xx
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Hi Fayzey, It’s not negative it’s all true.
Ur partner sounds very similar to mine.
I don’t know if he can ever get better to be honest at this point. I have a little hope but I don’t think it’s really sustainable as I think he’s missing out the part of reaching out to people in CA when craving. He can be completely functional when sober at times, that’s the frustrating thing.
He’s still missing, I’m so embarrassed the amount of times I’ve rang round and messaged his friends. I’ve sent him some really angry insulting messages now and told him to stay the **** away from me. The thing is I really do need him to come back as I have thousands of pound of parking tickets in my name as I got a car on finance for him which he pays but tickets come to me ???? and before I can properly give him the boot I want that all sorted. He was in a police chase a few months ago and the week after police put stingers out on road and popped tyre due to when he failed to stop, he managed to convince them the car has been cloned and he got a slip stating this and so we need to contact the places that issued tickets and send relevant information. I’ve cleared quite a few doing this but don’t have energy to do these others on my own, will take hours n hours.
I think he likes the idea of a good loyal clean woman and also the opportunity to get away from that life but like u said not completely ready to let go, it becomes a big part of their identity, drugs and crime and I do get it but not worth losing ur life over.
You’ve been really strong ending it but I can imagine everyday ur thinking about this totally confused and hurt
I knocks ur self esteem completely xxx
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Hi Navy – he’s only 4 so he doesn’t understand and they had a really close relationship, it’s really sad and I worry for the future, maybe he’s better off without him in his life? I am shocked he’s vanished like this , I can’t help but think maybe there’s someone else, who knows. I don’t even know if I would have him back now but saying that I probably would if he would just make an effort to get clean! I’m not sure I could live with him again though, I feel really anxious just thinking about him being here. I really feel for you going through this, it’s the worst isn’t it, especially the lies.
I don’t think they are happy when doing it at all, maybe less unhappy but that’s about it, that’s how I could tell mine was back on it, all happiness and joy instantly sucked out of him – yet they think more coke is the answer, there’s no logic in addiction that’s for sure xx
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Hi fayzey, my partner hasnt had a diagnosis yet, he has a gp appointment to have a mental health assessment in a few days. I suspect he has drug induced psychosis and a borderline personality disorder. I only see his really horrible side when he’s taken certain drugs or lots of booze. Just this evening we spent an hour frantically searching for his baggy of drugs that he misplaced earlier when he was off his head. Obviously blamed me for hiding them or flushing them – of course I wouldn’t! They turned up eventually, after lots of abuse and door slamming. Hes not like this at all when he’s not off his head. I’m really hoping having some professional support will help him be happy in himself without the drugs. It breaks my heart and he took an overdose 2 weeks ago so we’ve finally been able to get some support with the gp and local drugs services. Let’s just hope he wants to get clean and work on himself. I can’t take much more of this, I constantly feel drained, our lives have been put on hold for years (having kids, saving money for well, anything!) and until recently I haven’t told anyone what i’m going through. I feel so alone.
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Oh bubbles that’s awful for you, it’s so hard to actually get the help for mental health issues. Mine only got it cos he showed up at A&E and said he was a danger to himself and other people so he got sectioned. Bit of a risky strategy really. The meds have really helped him so hopefully yours can get seems asap. Unfortunate though any drugs stop them working and then they don’t take them but at least it’s a step in the right direction. Xx can’t believe he had you looking for his drugs I would have been tempted to flush them myself but probably not worth the consequences actually as he would be fuming
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It really is difficult to get the help. He was signed off work for almost a year due to mental health issues a couple of years ago and took 7 months on a waiting list to get any sort of CBT. Only now that he’s has a suicide attempt are things happening more quickly – but even when we left the hospital it was all on us to call the gp and find out the local drugs services.
Oh yeah, this happens every time he’s on the benzo’s its like he goes psychotic. I’ve told him how he acts and how it makes me feel but he still takes them every now and then, like he forgets or maybe doesn’t think it’s that bad cos he can’t remember, but I remember everything.
Ive flushed his drugs before, but told him as I was doing it, didn’t like go behind his back. I wouldn’t do that again cos he’s addicted to opiates so he’s developed a physical dependancy on them not just mental.
The gp is now aware of his drug abuse so I’m hoping this will now make a difference with any medications they might give him and also any mental health diagnosis. The drugs services’ are arranging a chat with the clinicians to see what options there are for coming off the opiates e.g methadone.
Like you say it’s a step in the right direction so I’m holding out hope he’ll get clean soon and we can move on with our lives. I try to keep positive, but sometimes wonder if I’m enabling him. Do you ever feel like that?
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Hi everyone
omg, I can’t believe what I’m reading, you guys are going through so much.
I’ve sat here reading and digesting everything that my life has been, how do you put up with him leaving and go missing for days, supporting him for him to use and spend your hard earned money on drugs, when that can be used for your children and your home, especially now with the cost of living, how disrespectful he is.
sorry for the lashing out, I guess I’m feeling angry for you all and upset. I wish my husband would just leave me, I wish he never begged me to come home, I wish I hadnt come back, I wish I wasn’t in this situation. My circumstances for not leaving right now are complicated. I’m just going to keep pressing him to see a professional and ask to see this professional so I can ask some questions. Also I can keep an eye that he is seeing the professional.
@fazey, your son deserves better than a dad that keeps going missing. I wish I had the answer for you. I feel for you and your children. Xx
@m my husband says to me he has a mental condition (by polar) but I read that this goes in hand with an addict as it messed their brain up. Not sure if this can be reversed if they come off it. I just wish he could be clean for at least 3 months to see how his body and mind would actually be then perhaps we could go down the route of mental health help. I’m so confused.
@bubbles how long has your husband been diagnosed with a mental health issues? Do you think this is an excuse? I only ask as my mind is confused with it all,@lorry how are you? You must be in turmoil I do hope your daughter is doing ok and she is strong enough to realise what she did and gets help from the GP. I’m praying for you. Keep strong. Xx
Thinking of you all, xx
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Hi Navy,
Yes it’s very confusing! I really feel your pain and the hurt from the lies.
I hope for the same, even the 3 months to see what we are left dealing with mental health wise. U start to wonder who they really are without drugs in their system, I’d quite like to know!!! I know aspects are some are completely amazing. Sad really I don’t fully know him and I actually don’t think he fully knows himself. Such a shit childhood full of drugs, neglect and violence and lack of consistent parenting doesn’t make for a stable sense of self I guess. I almost feel as though I’m re parenting him sometimes. He was so excited to go horse riding on holiday the other day, like a kid as he didn’t really get those opportunities growing up.
Plus on top of his mum and brother overdosing his brother was murdered 12 years ago by his girlfriend while she was intoxicated. Step father died of overdose 8 years ago. Uncle and female cousin died last year of alcoholism. Some of his family are drug workers and drink socially but mainly the men in his family are cursed with addiction. I feel like it’s a waiting game as to who’s gonna be next. I’ve even tried getting his brother off heroine, he literally looks as though he’s about to drop dead.
I’m so so angry at the hell drugs have caused, nothings a wake up call.
I used to work in drug and alcohol field too. I had issues many many years ago with coke and alcohol and try to think back to how I felt sometimes but it’s a million worlds away from where I am now.
thinking of you xxx
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Omg M
how do you cope with all that. You must be so proud of yourself getting over drug addiction yourself but how you coping with a husband and family suffering with it all and losing a member of your family to murder is beyond belief. You are such a strong woman
My husband had a good childhood, he has a great job, nothing bad has ever happened to him so i don’t understand how he become a drug addict. We had a great life or at least I thought we did. I know he was taking from a young age as recreational (weekends) as he told me the first time I found out. then It got worse and worse, I had my suspicions for a year and then I decided enough was enough and called him out. You know the rest , I left came back and left again. Now I’m giving him a last chance.
I’m sat again on my own he’s upstairs tired!!! Not slept well agin, suffering with stomach ache!!! I don’t believe him. Can I ask you did you suffer with your nose? Runny, blocked, bleeding etc. when you give it up did the nose get worse then better later on. I’m just trying to see when an addict gives up how long it takes for the nose to recover?
I really look up to you with all this and your one strong woman
Love Navy xx
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Hi navy,
Hes only really been diagnosed with depression and anxiety up until now as he’s never been honest about his drug addiction with the gp. I think now along with talking about other behaviours he’s displayed there’ll be more to his diagnosis than just depression and anxiety.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I don’t think it’s an excuse at all, I think in the past I’ve been telling myself it to justify his behaviour but realised no, it does not excuse his behaviour. I think him having a proper diagnosis will help to treat any behavioural issues though (hopefully!) and get the right specific support.</p>
It’s hard because he was emotionally abused by his parents and him and all his siblings suffer with severe mental health disorders and addiction so I know where its come from and I resent his parents for it. He’s never learned how to deal with his emotions properly so numbs them with drink and drugs and quite frankly acts like a young child when angry or upset – slamming doors, saying horrible things, or giving the silent treatment. It’s just not a healthy way for an adult to deal with their emotions so I hope the right support can help him learn a healthy way of dealing with that. My thinking is, those coping mechanisms are learnt behaviours so surely he can unlearn them/learn something new? I know it’ll be harder as an adult and take a long time, but if hes willing to accept the support it will happen eventually.
@m I feel you, I’m also SO SO angry at what drugs do to a person. I used to smoke weed every day until a couple of years ago and wouldn’t touch the stuff now or any other drug after seeing what it can do to a person. Well done for coming out the other side of an addiction, it’s not an easy thing to beat but is totally possible if the person is willing!Stay strong all xx
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hey everyone, it’s crazy how similar all our stories are. It’s so sad how their childhoods and families have just left them totally unprepared for being an adult. Mine’s the same, gets so excited about little things as he never had anything, but then when it’s all there on a plate he throws it away. He was abandoned by parents – one left and the other disowned him. I think I read that being neglected as a child stops the brain developing and that’s why they are like dealing with a child, cos they have never got those emotional skills. Really heartbreaking to think of what they’ve gone through. Doesn’t make it any easier for us though.
once his drug worker said to me how much he wants to get back to ‘normal’ (I.e come back to live with me) and I thought unfortunately normal for him is drugs/crack houses/prison and being at home with me was a constant effort for him to not fall back into it.
@M oh god that’s a nightmare with the tickets and the police chase, it’s unbelievable isn’t it what they put us through, literally couldn’t make it up. Really hope he turns up soon and you can at least sort things you need to get done. So stressful waiting for them to come back and worrying constantly, especially with the family history. I can see mine has checked his emails so I know he’s alive but that’s about all I can say really… -
<p style=”text-align: right;”>He called at 2pm and had been at his friends squat with 2 crack smokers ( so actually a crack house) was saying how damaged he is and he can’t keep putting me through this. this time sounded different like he’s letting me go kind of vibe for my own sake which probably is true but it hurts. Then when I started to say I don’t want him like this anyway after all the hurt he said he can’t get better without me but sounded as though he doesn’t really believe he can get better at this point but said he wants a good clean life, it’s all really contradictory, guess he feels confused.</p>
He then started playing the stupid card saying he doesn’t know where to get help, he knows exactly where. Obviously his issues are complex but he knows what steps need to be taken to try, He Was adamant he’s not cheated and asked why I would keep thinking that but just using drugs as an escape from his mind. He said he knew he’d messed up and didn’t wanna face it. More like he didn’t want me killing his buzz and irritating him! But if he called ajd was polite and transparent I can work with that. The main thing I ask is honesty and respect but addiction doesn’t offer that,I completely flipped out hurling abuse and wish i hadn’t and had stayed calm and cool honestly I felt so insanely angry. I sent a load of angry messages and told him I want to be left alone but deep down I want him to show up with some flowers and let me throw them at him and him not give up, pathetic I know lol but instead he’s at his brothers eating a kebab and said he hasn’t turned up as I will shout. I think I will make myself uncontactable for tonight and tomorrow as I feel guilty for going so mad but I’ve just had enough. I can’t think much further than that. All his stuff is here and we have the parking tickets to sort.
I will try to rest and get in to work tomorrow although I just want to get signed off xxxx
@fayzey it’s mad how u get some calm just knowing he’s checked emails means he’s alive. I’m the same with when he withdraws money from cash mashine as I’ve got the app on my phone. I’m relieved but then I think ur alive and not contacting me, so mixed emotions lol and ur comment about the drug worker saying about normal made me chuckle, it’s ironic.
@bubbles thanks for ur kind words.u mentioned about the brain not developing properly and childlike displays.DBT is a type of therapy that helps distorted thinking patterns and behaviours. It’s the top treatment for personality disorders and traits and also great for substance misuse. Helps with improving empathy, acting out, black and white thinking, impulses etc Unfortunately not available on NHS and is pricey, it’s quite an intense commitment but good success rates and many who engaged properly no longer meet criteria for personality disorder which is pretty amazing but they have to be completely committed and as u can imagine with those issues many people will drop out. Maybe read up on it Fsyzey too if u haven’t already xx
@navy, everyone’s body’s are different, some are left with life long nose problems and others heal in a matter of weeks/months. Mine healed quickly but I was young and hadn’t used for the years upon years our guys have.Xxxxxx
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Hi m, sorry I only just saw you other post too. For some reason I missed it when you posted!
You aren’t to blame to being pushed to your absolute limit, especially him acting ignorant about where he can get help. That would push my buttons too!
I’ve not heard of DBT until just now, thank you for that. I’ve just read up about it and it sounds like it would help him I’ll mention it to the Gp if they don’t mention it – worth a shot! I will keep you updated on the diagnosis.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I haven’t had the thoughts about being replaced easily but I totally see where that comes from cos we’re not getting the attention and support we deserve from a relationship. I honestly think if I left he would fall apart and probably attempt to end it all again. He’s said that before too. Which is why I find it hard to understand why he won’t just get clean. For me, our pup and our future together as well as himself.</p>
The crime aspect you have to deal with sounds so horrible to deal with, I’m so lucky my partner can’t drive! Regardless of all the property damage he’s causing, He’s putting his and other people’s lives at risk.The contradictory behaviour is so hard to understand. I try to empathise and be supportive but when you dont even know where you stand or what their peeved about it’s really difficult. Sometimes I wish that their behaviour was recorded and you could play it back to them when their level headed and see if they can see if from our perspective.
His family situation sound similar to my partner. Not having their family support is really difficult too. I know if I was ever going through something like this, I know my family would always have my back. Knowing that he doesn’t have the same is heartbreaking, and I think makes him slightly resentful of me for that. I get that feeling because he’ll make uncalled for comments about my family when he’s off his head.
I’ve only just opened up to my family about what were going through and they’ve been so unjudgemental and supportive about it all and I just wish I was able to speak to them about it sooner. Finding this forum has also really helped. I read through some posts a year or so ago but only started posting in the past couple of days and it feels good to speak to others going through similar things and understand the dilemmas we face on a daily basis.
We’re strong people who have given up our lives for the ones we love. I just hope our love and support pays off and our partners realise what they need to do to have a future with us.
Xx
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Hi bubbles
how’s things?
I had a really stressful week dealing with lots of paranoia
he came back Thursday and things have been lovely n calm, he’s agreed to self referral to drugs service, we did this yesterday and they also have a dual diagnosis worker there who work with mental health and substance misuse co occurring.
had gp appointment yesterday who’s prescribed antidepressants but my partner doesn’t know if he wants to try and has asked him to refer to local service for cbt as mental health team won’t take on yet as he’s been using. Very catch 22.I know if he doesn’t get to a meeting today or tomorrow he will be back on another bender by Tuesday latest. This stresses me the knowing what’s coming and everything destroyed
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Hi m,
Happy to hear from you, I’m sorry you’ve had a stressful week but I’m glad he’s back. It can’t be nice living with the anxiety of waiting for the next time though. I hope he proves himself and goes to a meeting, let me know how it all goes.
My partner didn’t have any luck with the gp, they literally said ‘so what do you want from me?’ they won’t refer him for a mental health assessment or given any anti depressants etc until his clean. So I completely get what you mean when you say it’s a catch 22 situation! I would have thought, considering the recent suicide attempt that they would have been more supportive. Getting help on the NHS for mental health is like squeezing blood from a stone.
My weeks been stressful too, my partner was off his head and another weekend came and went and feels like it was wasted. He has been doing much better today and yesterday though so I’m trying to keep positive. He has his weekly appointment with the drugs services today so well see how that goes.
Thinking of you and hope things start to look up.
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Hi bubbles
how was the appointment at the drug service. Has it helped at all.
yes you’re right the nhs is a nightmare. He got back on it the day I last messaged, for 3 days. I’m so so sick of the paranoia and false accusations, which are completely wild. He came back from the last bender apologising. Booked the nicest early birthday trip away for me which we got back from yesterday and then straight back on it and all the paranoia again and threatening to come and speak to a male work colleague who is married as this is his current paranoia in this episode.
I’m so done with this.
He admitted last week that although he wants to stop using there is also a part that is struggling to let go of the drugs which is why he’s been avoiding meetings or getting a little defensive when I mention recently, he said he’s been doing it to try to get out of going.-
Hi m,
I think it has helped. My partner has been clean for 5 days now for the first time since he got addicted to opioids. He’s doing amazingly and doesn’t ever want to go back. Which is all very positive. It would have taken up to 6 months to get methadone treatment and then god knows how long on the treatment before being clean. Cold turkey isn’t advised, but it seemed the best option and has worked for him so far. He’ll still continue his biweekly appointments with the drug service and can now get the ball rolling with help from the NHS for mental health support.
I’m so sorry you’ve had a difficult time with your partner and all the anxiety he’s caused. It’s not fair on you to blame you for things you haven’t done one day and then be all loving the next day, it must be super confusing.
My partner has gone through the same with not wanting to let go and getting defensive but it was like a light bulb moment and now he doesn’t want to go back to the life of using. Hes realising life is much better without the drugs. I really hope your partner does the right thing for himself and you and admits he needs to stop using and life is better without the drugs. It will only end badly.
The hard thing is knowing and accepting that no matter what we say and do, only they can make the decision to stop. I really hope he comes to this conclusion soon. Recovery is much easier with a support network and if he keeps treating you this way, he’ll loose it.
Good luck with everything, you deserve happiness and to be appreciated by your other half.
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Bellapop I really feel for you. I just read back on your posts.
u probably feel like ur life is hell wether he’s using or not right now and no clarity as to what’s driving the behaviours, what’s real what’s not.
when they make comments about life being boring it makes u feel u are not enough, I get it.
It seems maybe his awful behaviour sober may be that he feels he cannot cope with life sober and is resenting you for encouraging a sober life. These are his issues not yours and potentially his lack of being able to understand his own feelings. I could be way off the mark though.
have u tried talking to him about why his life sober is so boring?
sounds like possible underlying mental health issues.
Has he had trauma in his past?Thinking of you xx
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