[kjs]

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I knew my fiancé had a previous addiction to heroin. He told me he’d been clean for 4 years.

2 weeks ago some behaviours made me question his honesty, he promised he would tell me if he ever felt he’d relapse.

2 days later I saw he’d searched for drug help. I didn’t say anything but instead searched for evidence. I found a tin and confronted him. He eventually admitted he’d had a relapse, just once and was not using.

Obviously it was hard to hear, very upsetting and effected my trust in him. He began seeking help for his mental health and attended an NA meeting

But last night… I woke and he wasn’t there, I found him downstairs barricaded in the toilet smoking. I flew into an absolute rage, took away his drugs. The panic he expressed made me see a very different man.

I don’t know how I’ll trust him again. He said he has an assessment this week to get drugs for withdrawal so he can quit, he was intending to do this without me ever finding out.

I’ve destroyed the drugs he had so he now has to either go cold turkey or, the option that will end us, get more

I don’t know if I did the right thing or I am doing the right thing

I love him and I don’t want him to go through any pain but the rage and hurt I felt was the most I’ve ever experienced.

Does going cold turkey even work? I have no idea

[dfh]

No cold turkey is dangerous, they tend to have to reduce. Its a physical withdrawal which needs to be managed. I’m here to chat if you need advice, been through /going through similar xx

[jaynhissay]

Hi I’m a addict in recovery and I have had a bit of a similar situation and I am not in any way wanting for this response to your post to sound like I’m criticising your actions at all. I think you’ve done exactly what the vast majority of people who have been in that situation would of done and the people I know that have been in the same position and gotten rid of the drugs, have also got rid of the addict in a rage against the deceitful and dishonest way the addicts behave in their attempt to get away with it all. Dfh is right though he will need to be gradually reducing the use of the heroin or using a substitute that would make him feel like he was in withdrawal if he used heroin whilst using the prescribed substitute. This is the bit where I may seem like I’m criticising the way you’ve handled everything but please believe me when I tell you that’s not my intension. Obviously you know him better than me to make this judgement but do you think he would of come to you and admitted to the relapse if he thought you would be able to team up with each other and confront it head on or do you think he had no intention of telling you what was happening?

[ronnieboyne]

Hi kjs

Just read your post – sorry to hear you’re going through this nightmare.

One thing you should bare in mind, if your partner is wanting to get help for his withdrawals from a drug help agency which I believe is CGL he will need to have heroin in his system for the test otherwise they will not prescribe him meth, subutex or suboxone. So he would have to use for this and isn’t lying.

Bloody ridiculous tbh so even if he had managed to stay clean but was suffering from withdrawals/mental cravings he would have to use gear in order to get on script!

In my experience, taking away gear from someone who is desperate to use can be a very dangerous thing to do although I completely understand your rage.

My ex partner is a heroin addict and is also on script with methadone. Sadly with meth, if they are not on enough addicts tend to do both and for him tapering down from heroin was frankly impossible. My ex is an IV heroin user and all I can say is at least your partner is still just smoking it – IV is a whole different ball game although my ex started by smoking it.

In my experience, getting angry or making them feel guilty only makes things worse even if you cannot help your natural reactions to the lies and secrecy. Like Jaynhissay has said as a recovering addict, what helped her was the ability to be able to talk to her mum and explain what was going through her mind when she so desperately craved the drug even if her mum didn’t really understand the pull. I guess just being able to talk to someone you trust without judgement, anger and ultimatums is a form of therapy for the addict and may be enough to distract them until the feeling passes.

All that being said, It depends on the individual and how genuinely they want to stop. I tried so hard to listen to my ex and he said it really helped but sometimes some of the things he did made me so bloody angry and hurt that I could not help but lose it! With addicts, their words very rarely mirror their actions – if he is genuine about wanting to get on script (which does help many users) then support him to get an appointment but he will have to have heroin in his system for this first meeting with the doctor. Also be aware, coming off of these replacement therapy drugs, the withdrawals are far worse and go on far longer than that of heroin. They were supposed to be prescribed as a very short term drug to help with the initial withdrawals. My advice would be to use whichever one they suggest simply for that, so as not to get addicted … addicts don’t call meth liquid handcuffs for no reason! After the heroin is out of the system 7-10 days the rest is all about the mental obsession and for that he will need proper support with meetings, counselling CBT whatever he finds works for him by trial and error. If he commits to getting proper help with the mental side of his addiction then he will have far more chance of staying off the drug. My ex has in the past managed to stay clean for a couple of weeks but never addressed the reasons why he wanted to use … the triggers if any, even the fundamentals such as people, places and things. I would delete drug numbers from his phone but that was pointless because he could always find them again or a new dealer.

Cold turkey from heroin, unlike alcohol or benzos is not dangerous only acutely uncomfortable. It is the fear of the withdrawals that makes it so frightening and hard for those who want to stop. My ex would panic even at the slightest sign of discomfort preempting the withdrawals before actually experiencing any real symptoms. Coming off heroin cold turkey is truly not for the faint hearted but it will not kill the addict. Watching someone go through heroin withdrawals is shocking and I wouldn’t ever wish that kind of distress even on my worst enemy.

I am so glad you have joined this site Jaynhissay, your post re your mum made me cry and also gave me hope for my ex. Even though we are not together now, I still care from afar and would welcome any advice on how you handled fighting that devil on your shoulder. Keep up the fight and really well done you xx

[ronnieboyne]

And Ps kjs – you have to decide whether you have the strength to commit yourself to being with someone you will never fully trust for the rest of your time with him. Trust is absolutely paramount in any relationship and being with an active heroin addict or indeed a recovering one will always render you anxious and suspicious when they are late or not answering their phone even for genuine reasons not related to using.

It is a battle that you will both be fighting together and I did it for 5 years and truly regret not getting out sooner. I am not saying that it is not possible for them to get clean because it is and some go on to live fulfilling lives with partners and children too. However, I am no longer the person I was before I met my ex and it has changed my relationship with my friends and family. I should never have allowed my choice to remain in the chaos to impact on them because it was a battle I could never ever win. Your partner is the General and he is the only one who can change the course of events in this fight – nothing you do including throwing away his drugs will make any difference unless he wants to get clean.

I was a very strong and happy person before I met him and I was financially secure with lots of friends I saw regularly. Little by little you lose yourself with the constant suspicion, false hopes only to be let down, and mostly the God awful lies and you end up turning into a person you no longer recognise or want to be.

You need to decide if you can handle this situation and have the strength to put yourself through this journey with him. There is a reason why they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships until they have sorted themselves out first for at least a year clean. When you love someone deeply it is so hard to take a step back because you fear if you do their life will fall apart or worse die alone in some hell hole. I certainly became a co dependent each and every day allowing my life to become subject to the choices he made and never thinking about my needs and happiness. All my efforts and generosity both financially and emotionally were never appreciated and the lack of gratitude was sole destroying.

Having the strength to finally call it a day was the hardest thing I ever had to do but him kicking my front door in whilst in the throws of withdrawals was the final straw. I still miss him but I am slowly getting me back and the peace is absolutely wonderful 🙂

Remember the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Might not be word perfect but you’ll get the message there

I hope things get better for you x

[jaynhissay]

Hi Ronnieboyne, I just need to clarify that I’m a fella I think you’ve got me down as a female but don’t worry I know the name doesn’t make it clear ????????.

I’ve just read through your posts and I am glad to hear that you managed to get out of the relationship with your ex if it was having such a negative impact on your life. Unfortunately the partners and family of addicts don’t tend to get the credit they deserve. They are generally treated as a cash machine or similar until they become surplus to requirements from the addict. This is usually when they finally stop giving them money either because they’ve had enough or simply do not have any left to give. I can completely understand you still missing your ex but as you have said you have to look after yourself to remain sane.

If there’s any advice I can give to you then please just ask and I will do my best to answer any questions etc.

Take care

Jayxx

[ronnieboyne]

I’m so sorry Jay! I didn’t want to give you an identity crisis on top of what you are going through … need to go to Specsavers clearly! Yes, surplus to requirements puts it succinctly in a nutshell simply because of no more money and expecting to be paid back just a little for the thousands of pounds I had paid throughout the years keeping him well.

What really made you stop using would be my only question? I don’t believe in the rock bottom scenario because there is always another trap door that takes you lower into the abyss .. being homeless in the freezing cold without friends or family begging and desperate surely must be rock bottom. I know everyone is different and my ex has been doing IV gear for 25 years off and on but mostly on I would say – he lost his elder brother from a heroin overdose and it was his brother who got him into it by constantly telling him ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’ and he was only 15 years old! He eventually succumbed and the rest is history.

May I call you Jay? I’m Sharon by the way and so sorry for that error haha x

[jaynhissay]

Hi Sharon nice to virtually meet you and talk to you. Of course you can call me jay I have being called a lot worse I can assure you of that ????. Apologies I have taken so long to respond to your post I have full custody of my son currently and with his remote learning school work and everything that goes with it this is the first chance I’ve really had to get back to you.

In answer to your question of what made me stop using I would have to say that there are numerous reasons why but I was just so sick and tired of being a slave to a substance on a daily basis. The crack was bad enough but the heroin is a completely different ball game, having to use it to stop yourself feeling ill EVERY DAY!! I had just had enough of it.

How disgusting of his brother to be the person who has introduced him to that rubbish with the knowledge of what it does to people. Absolutely unbelievable!!

[kjs]

Thank you so much for your replies

I destroyed the drugs out of anger but also because I have 2 young children in the house

He went cold turkey for around 30 hours and couldn’t do it anymore so I took him to his home town and left him there to get his hit

He’s since called a couple of times and was booked for an assessment this morning

I understand what you’re saying about needing to wean off with prescribed drugs, he spoke to me about this.

He’s promised he’ll get all the help he can, meetings etc but I can’t see him doing it. The easiest option is to stay how he is

I know I’ll never trust him again and that’s what I’m struggling with. I love him but I don’t know if it’s enough

[kjs]

Just to add, in our conversation when I found the tin I said to him if he is honest about the use I want to support him but he just continued to lie

I’d 100% have helped if he’d been honest. It makes me sad that he didn’t have that kind of faith in me

[ronnieboyne]

Hey Jay!

Thanks for your response. Fantastic you have full custody of your son and taking on the teaching role too … a gold star for you most definitely!

Yes, after 25 years you’d have thought my ex would be sick and tired of being sick and tired but a lot of his problem is to do with mental health issues now as well as the need to get well. He said it’s all about the whole ritual of scoring, the anticipation even the cooking up and as an IV user massively to do with the self-harming.

His brother was only 2 years older than him and they both caned the weed at a very young age. And yes, so true it was unbelievably disgusting of his brother but essentially they were both just kids with too much time on their hands. And therein lies the problem for many addicts to get off the gear and stay off it even after the physical withdrawals have passed – boredom and too much easy cash courtesy of the taxpayer! My ex had his housing paid for as well as receiving £1000 a month pocket money – no job and nothing to do all day but get high. The only exercise his arms achieved would be lifting up a strong brew beer to his mouth most of the day and multi tasking with the perpetual roll ups that when sufficiently ‘monged’ would end up peppering my floor in gay abandon – I always remember thinking that he would have benefitted from being blessed with a few more orifices so he could be hands free to bang up at the same time!

And I don’t blame him for what has happened to me as a result of staying with him for so long. What was wrong with me that made me stay? If he had been my child I could never have given up like so many mum’s on this site although I did constantly kick him out and like a little boomerang the little fu**er kept coming back! We did have a really good laugh together and underneath that mess is a very beautiful person. That being said, I think if he wants to come back to something close to the man he was supposed to be he needs to remain single until he sorts himself out. The pressure and expectations that straight people have (by straight I mean not on gear) with relationships is challenging enough but for my ex, aka nob head, even committing to mowing the lawn would result in his wellies being thrown over my fence into the neighbour’s garden.

Anyway, I’m okay Jay and before long I will be back to dancing in the kitchen with a glass (that’s optimistic) of red listening to cheesy music and wishing my ex all the very best in life. Hanging on to bitterness and anger is self-defeating and I’m better than that I do believe 🙂 I love the poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling – I had it on my desk at work back in the day before I had kids and it’s fairly applicable now.

You hang on in there dad and if you need any advice … I’m your man! x

[ronnieboyne]

And Jay, when all else fails, watch the Life of Brian .. works for me, laughter is always the best cure mate especially the stoning scene haha! Onwards and upwards always x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read what you are going through. I ‘m glad that you’ve found this forum. If you would like more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families around those with addiction problems and have trained and experienced people that would support you and let you know what other support is available. If you get in touch one of our family friends will contact you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[Author]

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