[hc]

My partner has been a cocaine user for 5 years, previously in his early 20’s his whole life fell apart and he did rehab, so I say 5 years but I think really it’s been most of his adult life he bounced back, he’s now a very successful businessman. He started using again during his divorce from his first wife, I found out about his using about 6 months into our relationship, although like most stories, he only said it was occasional and wasn’t heavy. The more time we spent together the more I realised this wasn’t the case. He would dissappear for 2 days at a time sometimes, just literally fall off the face of the earth no phone call – the lies he tells and stories he makes up afterwards are bonkers, I think sometimes how stupid I was in the early days to believe them. On one occasion he was meant to be meeting me in London for a weekend, I’d travelled up first and he was due to drive up with my suitcase, but he never arrived, kept promising he was on his way and then never came, I had to fumble around a co-op in London trying to find things like a toothbrush and make-up wipes – I stayed in the hotel we had booked and traveled back the next morning and that’s just one of many days/nights/weeks. But I stayed, because I loved him. It was that simple. And when he wasn’t using he was wonderful. It got to a point where I couldn’t stand it any longer though late last year, the lies he tells himself are harder than the ones he tells me, and it’s not just the act – cocaine stays in his system and makes him irrational and dramatic and angry for at least 2 weeks after, so everytime he used, we had a fortnight of drama and arguments and stress – and I couldn’t take them any longer – I made a decision that he needed to either do something about his using or I’d leave – because I knew if he didn’t stop using he was going to lose everything – most importantly his life. He checked into a rehab centre for 2 weeks over Christmas. He came out – clean, rationale, calm. He was clean for 3 months. He relapsed just before our wedding in May, it hurt. He picked himself up again, drilled back into his NA sessions but he’s relapsed again 3 times since our wedding and now he’s in quite a dark place where he’s not sure he’s got the energy to do it again, but he knows if he doesn’t he’ll lose everything. He’s very moody and sad and because he’s not allowed a drink he’s finding social situations harder so doesn’t want to go out – then he gets stressed at work and then we start the cycle again. With him as he is now – I know that a relapse is probably just around the corner again. But I have been to my FA sessions and I’ve learnt how I should react and be around him, although sometimes it’s just impossible. Trying not to predict a future that is yet to arrive, when that future has arrived many times over goes against all human instinct. He goes to 2 NA sessions a week still, but he’s not working his step work & above it all I think the problem is he thinks he’s different than other drug users, like his personality restricts him from being able to heal and recover like everybody else. And the fact is he’s not. He’s just trying to find an excuse, but telling that to a man that’s not thinking rationally because he relapsed less than a week ago is too hard to face. I’m sorry, I’ve rambled, but I have no family who know this and no friends who I can tell and my FA group is small and doesn’t meet that regularly, so I needed to find something that would let me say it exactly how it is, rather than the subdued version of this conversation which I have to have with him, because above all I want to support him in his recovery and have faith in him getting better, because he is in fact ill. Just wish his ego would give in a little, would make life much easier.

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