[spaced229]

I’m new to the world or drinking and drugs. It’s been a steep learning curve. My partner started drinking in his mid twenties, he’d also been doing whatever drugs he could get his hands on. I can’t equate that with who I know now in his early 40’s. We’ve been together a little over 6 months and it’s become more than apparant that his weed/drinking is more of a dependency than a hobby. We’re knocking on for a fortnight without a joint and he seems to be doing well without it but then again, I’ve only ever known him on the stuff. The drinking is more of an issue. He proposed dry January himself and did well for a while. He can stop for a few days at a time and never drink drives. He also never hides his drinking and pays me the rent/bill money as soon as he gets paid. We are open with eachother but I’d really like to broach the topic of alcoholics anonymous and don’t know how it’s going to go down. He’s not really a support group type of guy but he spent most of today throwing up out of an upstairs window, feels hideous and says he’s never going to drink again. He’s laid at the side of me now asleep but with his heart beating out his chest and I’m so worried I’ll lose him. He’s supported me through my mental health difficulties and I want to do the same for him with this. He is kind, has never threatened or hurt me and has been so wounded as a child, watching his dad leather his mum, no family, older brother killed himself about a year before we met. I’m certain I want a future with this man and will do anything I can to see it happen. Thank you x

[danman83]

Hey there.. i think its obvious why he drinks, with the bad things hes been through in his past. Maybe he needs some councilling for all whats happend. But i could be wrong.

But why dont you just mention the AA to him or docs about his drinking. And tell him you will be there for him and support him and that you are worried. There is alot of help out there.

[spaced229]

Thanks x

[lamouette]

Hi -my partner is the same. I have just posted about his drinking but he also into coke and weed and has been since his teens. Now early thirties, he is trying to change because of his children but I’m not convinced now he can. We live together but I am in a state now where he gets his stuff together and sorts himself out or he goes. Sadness is I know I will be making him homeless if I do that so full of guilt.

I am trying to get him some counselling and hope that helps. I too can see a good future for us but definitely not like this.

Let me know how you get on – I’m about to go down the same route as you with trying to help. All I will say is look after yourself first 🙂

[spaced229]

Hi, he exploded at first because when I said I’d been talking to Al-anon friends and family he thought I’d been talking to my actual friends and family. We talked (it’s never been my strong suit) I’m going to go to one f+f meeting and he does say that if he went to an AA meeting it would make it real. He has definitely been drinking more since we met and moved in together, adjusting has been a struggle and I do blame myself for a lot of that, my previous lifestyle was very promiscuous and with the age difference, he worries someone will catch my eye. I didn’t know how much the lack of weed was having an effect. Thinking about it all the time, a meal isn’t worth it because he can’t have a joint afterwards, and now the same with drink. Physical and mental symptoms constantly. The last 24 hours he’s been doing really well. I think it would be good for him to talk to someone who understands the withdrawal symptoms and can empathise, I don’t ‘get wrecked’ so I don’t get it. He says he wants to fall in love with me all over again and I will hold on to that x

[lamouette]

It sounds very familiar although my partner hasn’t said he wants to try to change aside from worrying about his daughter.

When we met we would have dinner together and he’d have a couple of beers a night but nothing major. Now it’s the same – he always wants weed after dinner or sniff. I don’t drink now and have never taken drugs so I just don’t get it. It’s such a waste of money and it stinks too!

I’m missing terribly the person I met – I don’t know where he’s gone but I’d like to try and get him back.

He’s also had a dreadful childhood with his father dying young of a heroin overdose and his brother died later in a car accident. I stupidly thought he would see a life with me as take the opportunity to start doing better but I think my success just makes it worse for him.

I’m not being terribly helpful – sorry! Guess just good to know you aren’t alone in it all.

[spaced229]

I’ve really appreciated talking to you. I read your post. Also step-mumming to his 12yo boy who lives with us, it’s hard! He’s not hiding his drinking or drugs from you, long may that continue so allowing the emotional and physical space for it seems good. A life with you and a future is a wonderful thing to hold on to but it can’t be the only good thing. When you fight all will seem hopeless, lost and pointless. In the right frame of mind your success will inspire him. If this is forever, 6 months or 2 years is a drop in the ocean and it doesn’t matter if its shit right now. You wanting to save him is a beautiful thing, he needs to want to save himself. I’m prepared for things to get much harder before they get easier. How about keeping a diary of the good things and the sweet comments, something for you to focus on and look at when times get tough xx

[lamouette]

That’s a nice idea around the diary.

I’ve only just found this forum and I’ve realised that everyone’s stories lead to the same point – which is they will only change if they want to. And I’ve realised maybe just in time that I’ve supported him to a tune of about £16k and I have to stop and apply first aid to myself before it’s too late.

I thought he was starting to do better as he stopped asking me for money and I stopped giving it – and the this week he came home and said he owed £200 to someone else and they were hassling him. So basically he just does what he wants and f**k everyone else it seems. Am so glad I found this site – has give me some gumption back x

[spaced229]

It’s new to me too, found it through a link from Al-anon f&f. It’s good to hear similar stories. Good luck xx

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