[coco8]

Hi – I need to write out my guilt because it’s killig me inside. I have just left my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years. We were planning our wedding. He was raised by two alcoholics that are in his life daily still because they are good grandparents. When I first met him he did drink but not very much. Only light beer. I did not see it a problem at all for a few years. We had a couple minor out of character fights while we both drinking (I don’t really drink but on the random occasion) these did not hit my radar until years in. I realized fully very recently that the issues that came up in our relationship around year 3 that continued until now, all had an underlying relation to alcohol. I myself have becaome very depressed and angry towards him for what I thought was just multiple “petty” issues, when really I was enabling a functioning alcoholic. When I made this realization, I had to on principle take care of myself. There wasn’t any violence or situations one might usually think of reason to leave. For me it was being emotionally neglected and not realizing it. He doesn’t even know he did it. I had felt like we were drifting apart and that he didn’t have the time to give me we needed as a growing couple ready to get married, I made excuses of being too needy and not understanding his commitments. – commitments that are manipulated by the alcholics he was raised with ( he has a son as well, 11yr old, these commitments are understood, but manipulated by said grandparents who live closely) . Ive always been easy going amd work a lot and tried to express myself to him on what I was nervous about happening if we didn’t work on connecting and work on our separate issues as individuals. I’m the end it was not an insident with alcohol that was my final straw. It was a random situation that made me realize that I’m not feeling close to him anymore and feel resentful for so many conversations about it. As an Adult Child of Alcoholics, you already have a lot to work through and it affects your later life statisticaly. He has not done any work for this except 2 counseling meetings that I thought he wanted to do for himself, but never continued. Why I’m explaining all of this is because I feel that I finally recognized why I’ve been so depressed and sad for more than 6 months or more. It’s because he has always slightly given himself to drinking (every day after work 4 beers, at least 6 or more on sat/sun) which turns into zoned out evenings, not connecting as a couple and early bed times. Less and less time together. I just felt needy. I did check out myself to cope because there is a lot of good and it’s been 6 years and we we’re planning a wedding. I love him so much I made excuses for him and why is was so hard to do the things we discuss he wants to. The feelings of depression and anxiety I developed also turned into extreme anger when we argued. Saying things to him I’ve never said to anyone, and he would do the same. I again thought I’ve been loved anyone this much and haven’t been with someone for 6 years, this could be Norma) I’m sorry to keep rambling but I feel so guilty because he’s taking this as it’s out of nowhere. No real incident occurred when I made the decision. I have only half moved all my things. I know I have made the right decision in my heart. But I can’t help but feel I’m breaking the person who I thought was my forever. – I’m being treated and spoke to as if “I’ve tured into someone else and have no heart and can’t be forgiven” . He hasn’t wanted to ever understand the severity of what Ive explores could happen with the alcohol and his family. He can’t understand that I allowed myself to become depressed angry person while enabling him and how that is why I have to go. I did hope that we could calmly talk about the alcoholism in the family and his increasing dependence and how it’s affected me. I know all i sounds like to him, is someone who doesn’t love him, and is just screwing him over and leaving out of nowhere. He’s heart broken and his hurt is coming out to me as anger. I can’t stop feeling guilty and because of the way it happened. It wasn’t an alcohol incident, I hadn’t asked him to stop drinking (he talks about it as a problem and talks about needing to stop). We have talked many times over the years about it. The guilt for me is too much and probably still writing so I don’t have to sit with the guilt. – this is a man I love that I’m in love with, who I’ve enabled without realizing it. I allowed myself to at my own accord to sink into an unhealthy place and I needed to save myself. But it’s looks as if I just left. Heart breaking.

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