[willow03x]

My son who was so loving only 4 weeks ago has walked out of rehab , his marriage, drinks to oblivion and takes cocaine and LSD in unsafe amounts has been vile towards me and most family members , he has no home , no job and his friends are abandoning him. I send him loving messages of which he doesn’t answer. He has never Been an angel but always loved his family , can this situation turn back round ? I stay dressed until the early hours as I feel I will be needed to identity him , tell me I a being neurotic please x

[ajlost]

My brother has very serious mental health issues and drug and alcohol addictions as a form of self medicating.

His rages are like nothing I can explain. I have been on the end of so much abusive language, so I appreciate what you must have been through. He’s been in prison and the police know his very well. He won’t accept medical help as he’s been so let down before.

My brother lived with our dad, who died last summer. Any time dad used to call, I always thought it was to tell me my brother had died so I do understand that feeling.

I am desperately searching for answers to help him and help him build a life. He is 34 this year and I’m 30. How did you manage to get your son into rehab?

Thinking of you.

[frh92]

Hi AJlost,

I was talking to my sister (she is a senior mental health nurse) the other day about rehab and if it was a good idea for my ex to attend who has a cocaine addiction.

I understand that there have been success stories from rehab so not something that should be written off completely but this is just an opinion

My sister said that rehab as has smaller success rate as they are taken out of their own environment and put into somewhere completely different, where they can stop drinking and taking drugs but the chances of relapsing when they get home is much greater as they seem to slip into the same routine, to pick up where they left off. Also it costs a lot of money to put them into rehab.

She was telling me that weekly meetings is a better alternative as they can attend the session in their own town and meet people that are also trying to stop that are close to them for support as they will be going through the same experiences as him and will understand what he is going through. The thing is he will need to want to go to them. I have struggled to get my ex to go to the meetings as he believes he is too good for them! But like she said even if he needs the help hes got to want to get it too. This is the thing that hurts the most, you need to support him as you obviously play a major role in his life and supporting him, but the road to recovering is up to him.

The thing with addiction is there is no algorithm to fixing the problem. Think of it like someone has a broken leg. They go to hospital, have an operation, in a cast for 6 weeks then to be taken off. Problem solved. That’s the algorithm to fixing that broken leg. When it comes into addiction and mental health “there isn’t a one size fit all” making it difficult to figure out what is the best solution to help. This is how my sister explained mental health/addiction to me when i first told her about my ex. and its so true, its just trial and error. Also i understand that all of the meetings have stopped because of Covid-19 which is a really isn’t good!

Do you know of any groups around your area that he could go to once the quarantine is over? Also is your brother taking medication for his mental health on top of the drugs and alcohol he is consuming? I was reading your other post and said that he did go to the doctors, did you go with him or did he just tell you that they were condescending? I’m sorry if i’m being too intrusive and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Here if you need to talk 🙂 x

[willow03x]

We had to pay 6k for 4 weeks ! NHS help is too slow !

They have the 12 steps which really needs 12 weeks or management skills . The skills looks at their personal problems and teaches them to address them better and learn their triggers long before they need a drink .

A lot of money but the way I saw it was that or paying for a funeral !

Bad news my son has spiralled out of control since rehab but the good news is he wants to get well and has contacted me today , long road ahead but I feel Hope now instead of grieving the loss of my boy although he wasn’t dead !

I stopped enabling my son and watching the spiral was intensely painful but if I get him back sober then I can sleep again .

Don’t give up on your brother, it is an illness. All the best x

[frh92]

It is so expensive, I completely understand where you are coming from when you say its either rehab or a funeral, its so heartbreaking. I definitely don’t have the money to put my ex into rehab. I told his dad who wanted to help him and he offered the money to do it. His dad earns less that what my ex does and it just wouldn’t be fair to take money off him. My sister said that it wouldn’t work for him type of addiction and that he could stop for 2-4 weeks that he was there but it is a protected environment and wont help him deal with it while he is back at home. But there have been success stories with rehab.

The groups are free and supported by charities, you will be surprise how many there are around your areas, I thought I was out in the sticks but there are so many to choose from. I don’t know what the alternative is at the moment with everything being closed down.

Its such good news that he has recognised that he wants to get the help and needs it, that’s a really good start, i wish my ex was in the same position! I’ve tried the stopping enabling business with my ex but he is so controlling (we still live together pending the sale of our flat that isn’t going to happen for ages now because of what is going on!) he will just do it in the flat and i cant do anything about it, i cant kick him out because he wont move as he says that the flat is his, but he never put a penny towards the deposit or the fees when buying the flat, it was all me and my parents. But his name is on the mortgage so legally it is his! I have tried to flush the drugs if i see them but he can snatch them back off me and i don’t want him to hurt me. I don’t know what i can really do to stop enabling him?

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry Willow that you are having such a difficult time due to your son’s addiction. It sounds like he is getting some help but I was wondering if you might like a bit of support for yourself.

The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to people that are in yours situation. We know how difficult this can be so we have trained and experienced people you could talk things though with. If you contact us we could also signpost what other help there is in your area.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[Author]

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