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Hi to anyone reading this and thank you for giving your time.
I’ve posted on here before for advice about my partners drinking and drug use, and things have since escalated (I made the mistake of posting on a more general forum for advice but most people didn’t understand the anguish of being with someone with these issues and I was told by so many people that I have no self respect / esteem / self worth etc. So that was pretty painful – please be kind).
I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he’s 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We got on really well except for problems related to this issue.
I can count on one hand the amount of weekends that we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking coke with his mates. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but they always just get off their faces all night until the early morning hours and he is then hungover all weekend (when he has planned to see me). I have lost count of times this has happened and I have been cancelled on. He also engages in risky behaviour like getting in cars with people who have had a lot to drink and he doesn’t see my issue with this. He just tells me not to worry and it’s ‘his life to live’.
Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago as he saw his mates after work on Friday night and I hadn’t heard from him by 3pm the following day. I was worried about him and went to check on him and found him still drunk with a beer in his hand with one of these friends. I decided to break up with him once he’d sobered up, but he convinced me he would prove he could get this under control and I really thought I’d got through to him.
Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is my lockdown bubble as I live alone, whereas he still sees his mates regularly so this is an issue in itself). On Friday, he tried to say he had forgotten that he was suppose to be seeing a friend. I was annoyed but tried to compromise and said I could come later after he had seen said friend. However he refused and we argued as it was only the week before that he convinced me I was a priory to him (he said he doesn’t like ‘bouncing around like that’, yet there has been plenty of times where he has been with me and left to go and meet his friends so this is very hypocritical).
I accepted defeat and said I would just meet him on Sunday instead and he used this as an excuse to meet his usual group of mates. It got to 1:30am and he text me (without me asking) to say he was going home soon as he knew it was important to me that he knows when to call it a night. However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses an app with his location attached and he posted a picture to this app outside of his house, presumably to make me believe that he was at home. However his location showed that he had actually then got into a car and carried his night on elsewhere. I asked him outright where he was and he said at home and so I called him out for lying and he made a bullshit story up.
The next day, he blew up at me and basically blamed me for how he was feeling and said that I have ground him down and he feels like he is living in a ‘glass house’. He said I don’t make him feel loved (despite looking after him in every way and being there every time to pick up the pieces when he is on a comedown). I have been so patient and tried to understand his point of view, but he has pushed me too far this time. It breaks my heart that he views this group of mates as the most amazing people in his life and I’m just a nag that is grinding him down, when in the grand scheme of things they are dragging him down and I am trying to get him out of this mess. He says I’m like a teacher rather than a partner now, but what does he expect when he acts like a
16 year old?! I am just so sad at how we ended up as we used to be so happy, but when I look back he has always centred everything around his friends. I just totally give up and can’t have him making me feel like I am to blame for the demise of the relationship. I would not be getting on his back about this if he actually stuck to his word and tried to sort it out ????
Any advice or support would be welcome…
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Hi. Im going through it too at the moment. Im just not strong enough to walk away, but …. i do know one thing. It is not the company of his friends that he prefers….. its the drugs he prefers xxx big hugs. We need to show ourselves love, instead of abusing ourselves every time we think for one minute we mean more than the drug x
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Hiya Laura hope you are OK.
I’m 2 month clean now from coke. I seriously have had enough of it and joined CA 2month ago and have been clean ever since.
Anyways.. He’s not gonna stop until he wants to for himself. If he’s using every week he is definitely an addict. I have to stop because of the come downs and feeling suicidal. It’s a horrible addiction.
Cocaine will always come 1st, if there was no cocaine involved he would be round yours. It controls us, and it’s like a devil on your shoulder.
My opinion or advice is.. Do you have kids? Do you want kids? Can you see yourself settling down and having kids with him while he is like this? Because if he says he will quit for a baby.. Ect.. Believe me that doesn’t work.
I guess what I’m trying to say, if he has no intentions of quitting, and. You have no kids, move on with your life no matter how hard it is. Time is a great healer and you will get over it. Do you want to keep putting up with this? He has to make a lot of sacrifices to quit and the 1st one is getting rid of using mates. I’d have a good think what you want for your future. Your 27 and the next bit of your life is important. Don’t waste it like I did. I started using 26 now I’m 37. With loads of regrets. Start thinking of your self and make your self happy. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything
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Hiya Laura, thanks for that.
Yes don’t listen to him if he says he will quit for a baby. That will never happen.
I never used until I had alcohol but then I started craving it without alcohol and using. It does get worse.
It’s started when I was 26 split up from and ex. And I had it in a club. Then it was house party’s, pubs. Then all that stopped and I was addicted already as an old Councillor told me, and I started using in the house on my own. When the kids and gf was in the house. I’m not proud of myself and hate what I’ve done. But this stuff gets a hold of you. My kids get everything they want, and are well looked after, and I only spent when I can afford. But it’s still not right.
I feel so much happier now I’m coming up to 9 week clean. And I’m saving, doing more things with the kids. I’m just gutted for ever trying it. Feel free to ask me anything. This helps me aswell talking to people
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Hi Danman83
Hearing that from a recovered addict really has helped. My ex told me he chose drugs over me and that cocaine is all he cares about. Unfortunately this information came too late and I was already 100% invested into this man.
I have been helping him with somewhere to stay but now he has moved in with his brother to get clean.
I am hoping so much that he does and doesn’t relapse but I am also hoping that he sees sense about our relationship once he has managed his demons. Is that mad?!
Is it possible to love someone whilst addicted to coke?
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Hiya, hope u are OK?
I’m no were near recovered yet lol, but thanks.
I don’t know which way that is aimed. The coke addict loving some one? Or you loving him? Either way u can still love someone like this.
It’s not nice to hear he likes coke more I guess. But this is the power of addiction. I know for a fact he would be happy with you with out the coke. It just changes you and is like having a little devil on your shoulder.
He needs to admit to himself and get the help. Will he join CA meetings there online at the moment on zoom. I always said I’d never go but I have. I’m praying each day and meditating each day. You have to have an higher power to pray to. It doesn’t have to be God. Mine is energy, the universe, basically the law of attraction. But it keeps me focused and happy each day. If I need to do this the rest of my life to keep me clean. I can’t argue with that.
He needs delete everyone’s nums and dealers, come off social media, and change his usual routine around. Feel free to ask me anything
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Thank you. Well you are doing amazingly and I hope you are much happier now. I can only hope he sees the light, he broke down in tears to me the other night as he had realised what he has become.
The difficulty is, my friends and family want me as far away from him as possible but I know it’s not him it’s the addiction.
I still very much believe in him, I am just really scared that I have been used and that I mean nothing. I know you can’t answer any of this as it’s dependent on him.
He owes me a lot of money, constantly asking to borrow it and I gave in every time which I regret massively.
Unfortunately he doesn’t acknowledge me much unless he needs me for something. Now he is not needing to stay with me, I haven’t heard from him.
It’s all so bloody heartbreaking!
He refuses to go to rehab, has tried that in the past but hopefully him living with his brother means he will start CA.
He does believe in God, but he believes that the Devil has him already.
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Hi Danman
Interested to understand more about how you have been coping? Does coke make people cheat? What’s the worst thing you’ve put your partner through? New to the site so excuse my direct nature I am dealing with alot and came across your responses.
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Hiya katty, I’m not going to lie to you. It does make you cheat. I have cheated and my partner knows. She has aswell, and she doesn’t do coke. But it does make you want to live dangerously if this makes sense. It makes you do things your normal self would not do.
The worst thing I’ve put her through. I guess when I cheated on her and told her when she was 7month pregnant with my boy. Her emotions must of been all over the place, and then I go and do that. I’m going back 8 years now. But it’s something I regret a lot. I just wanted get her back for what she did, but 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Plus she’s seen me saying I want to kill myself on a comedown, depressed each weekend. Things like this really.
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Hi Dan
That’s awful to hear really sorry. Have you managed to not cheat in recent times? I can’t comprehend what this stuff does to life. How did it effect your work life if you don’t mind me asking? I know someone close who has quit but they seem very cold and distant atm
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Danman, thank you for your comments. I couldnt agree more. My addict uses C minimum 3/4 times a week and smookes weed daily. He is 40, been using since 13. Im 52. Although i am a/was a party drug girl, love to dance, ive been clean of drugs for a year. He talks the talk but fails to do the walk. His come downs are now more frequent and his agressiveness and jekyll&hyde behaviour seems at an all time high at the monent. I started chemo two months ago, i havent seen him for two months. If life isnt happy happy, he cant handle it. Yet i was riding his weekly comedowns without any penalties for him. He switches from moment to moment.
Ive lost my best friend because of him. She told me she could no longer stick around me, seeing me hurt so much if i continues to have a coke addict in my life, cos the coke will always come first.
My life is not this circus. It truly is not. But since dating him, it has been and i am broken.
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Hiya Holton, I hope your OK? And I hope the chemo is working.
Are you still with him? Does he want to stop?
Personally I think you need to get your friends back and move on from him. You need to look after yourself, he will just make you worse. He should be looking after you, but I don’t know the ins and outs. The coke will always come 1st, your friend is right. I’d start thinking of yourself and get some happiness in your life and go have a brew and a nice chat with your friend. Hope you are OK ❤️
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Hi laura. Thank you.
His situation is that he is the go to guy. He is the contact for all his “friends”. Its never ending. With me, i would take an E for a dance night. He would have a delivery of C on a friday for all his friends orders. I stopped a year ago. He was bad anyway but since lockdown, 3/4 times a week minimum of C. Obtaining for his friends on a friday. We had a row 28/12. Not seen him since then but…. he knew my chemo started then too. He can go from absolute vicious hateful texts towards me full of blame, to texts telling me he wants to marry me. The only remedy is for me to block for my own mental health. Ive cried for two months. Not one apology from his side.
The only positive is that for two months i have been home with my adult kids and have reconnected.
He can be the most attentive caring human. But the most evil, vicious and cruel too.
The only way out of this hell is self love. Which is new to me.
Xx
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Hey Laura,
I read this last night, it’s so helpful to have people going through exactly the same thing, Danman is great for advice and a different perspective, I have found self love so hard as I love him more and that’s dangerous territory as we cannot do anything, I could scream most days as he is so clever but this has gripped him, the debt is so much and he is now dealing it to try get out of it, I look at my friends that have it figured out and in the earlier post “you don’t half pick them” is a common saying to me from others, but in fact I don’t pick them! They pick me ha, I fall for charm and people with addictive personalities as they have it in abundance, I often read Hilton’s and your story as it helps. I just wish that white stuff didn’t exist as it ruins lives and families, my ex has now in fact lost childhood friends and has pretty much isolated himself bar 2 friends and they do it with him, but his choice mainly is to do it on his own when he gets in from work at 6:30am, I’m pretty sure he has been binging since he walked out and more than likely now not going to work, something I found helpful to watch is you tube videos to get a better understanding and then read self care books along with good people around you. This has effected my work along with mental health, small situations get on top of me now which they never used too. Small steps each day xx
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❤️
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Thanks for that. I wouldn’t borrow him any more money, your just making it worse. Sorry for that comment but I’m just being honest. He’s just gonna keep taking advantage of you. And you can treat yourself with that money ????
I know what you mean when you love someone and they just ignore you, it’s does hurt. It just could be his addiction and what it’s doing to his way of thinking.
What is his brother like? Does he use coke or anything else? Drink?
He may think the devil has him. But he can beat it. Tell him watch a video on you tube. It’s Louise Clarke crack cocaine part 123.
He needs watch them in that order. And she goes into detail how to beat it. I bought her book as well. It’s so helpful.
He needs to avoid all triggers aswell.
I use snort off a key.. If I see a key.. That can trigger me to want it. Its crazy.
Tell him he needs be positive, do a daily routine on paper. With new hobbies, activities. I started reading, meditate, listen to recovery podcast. And tick it off each day. Exercise is another, walk.
He can do what he wants as long as he is doing stuff to keep him occupied. It’s about having some goals, and wanting to quit and believing in himself.
You need to think of yourself in all this as well and make sure your health is good, mentally as well.. As it is draining for you alot.
Hope your OK ????
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Yeah I have told him he needs to delete all numbers and he has told his 2 mates that are dealers to not give it to him at all.
He always uses to the point where psychosis kicks in and he paces my house for hours on end thinking someone is outside. It’s horrible
His brother does drink and does coke on the odd occasion but I know his brother will refrain from coke while he is there.
Yes I agree with the money, I swore to myself I wouldn’t give him anymore but he has me wrapped round his finger. Although I did text him today and asked for some of it back as once I pay my rent I have £30 for 3 weeks and he said he will sort it. I can only hope that if he is staying clean then he will not blow all his money like normal.
I don’t know what his specific triggers are but I know as soon as he gets money in his hand he wants it. He uses every other day and it’s never just one it’s always an all nighter. Then takes pain meds to help with the comedown and sleep and I’m talking a lot! This then means he sleeps the following day for about 20 hours and then is back on the coke again.
I will tell him about those videos thank you. He is aware of what I have done for him, he has said so, I think he just chooses to ignore it most of the time so he doesn’t feel any guilt. I guess this is just a waiting game where all I can do is hope and pray he gets himself sorted. In all honesty I love him enough that if it were to mean losing him but he is clean, healthy and happy then so be it. I’d rather him be alive and a stranger than the alternative.
I will let you know how this develops if that’s ok? Thank you so much once again. Having never been an addict myself I have been really struggling to understand the mental struggle he faces.
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I don’t want to say on here, but some one very close to me sells it, and I’ve told them not sell it me. But they still did. So he can easily talk them round if he wanted to.
If he is using every other day it isn’t good. Mine was just weekends but sometimes in the week, but not much. I started taking sleeping tablets to not feel the come down. The minute my bag was empty and I could not get anymore, I’m not lying now but I felt like crying and my high just went. It’s all to do with dopamine levels. If you know how that works?. The meds ain’t good at all. Imagine if we are sick in our sleep. It’s game over. It’s just one big vicious circle. And I do feel for him, I don’t know him but I bet he don’t like how he is.
Pychosis is from not having sleep aswell and being up for days. It’s horrible, all this for a 20 min high. It’s mad what coke does to people.
Me personally I don’t think it’s enough just staying at his brothers. If he’s used with his brother in the past. His brother is gonna be a trigger. My gf best mate uses, and every time she’s at ours I want to use. So no one is allowed round now lol. But then again he might be OK at his bros.
I think he needs get to some meetings, and get a sponsor. Do you know how that works when you have a sponsor and work the 12 steps?
Ye course keep me updated. Talking helps me aswell. If he wants my email then get my number and he can phone me if he wants. But that’s up to him. But if he doesn’t know your on here. Don’t say out. Just leave it.
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How’s everyone doing?
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Hi Danman83
Feeling somewhat better this week how are you doing?
Unfortunately my ex text me on Friday and said he was going to have a little bit as he can’t just stop altogether. I know this is his addiction talking, he also asked me on Saturday to go and pick a g up for him which I refused but it took about an hour for him to stop inundating me with pleas. He is still at his brothers but hiding it from him.
Even though he has used again I am thankful he is somewhere he will struggle to get it delivered to him, hence why he asked me, so the use is very minor in comparison to his usual. I can only hope he refrains this weekend and he actually gave me some money back, albeit a very small amount in comparison to what he owes I am still pleased he managed to do that instead of lie to me.
I know he managed to get some on Saturday as he text me early hours asking me what I was doing. The motive of this I do not know and it realistically was just going to be asking me again to get him some but I hope it was actually cause he missed me.
I have stopped messaging him this week and will let him come to me although it’s killing me.
Hope you’re doing ok
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Hiya, hope you are well. I’m good thanks.
It never works does it really moving away, thinking our addiction won’t follow us. But it does.
So did u get him some in the end then?
Well that’s good him paying you some money back. You deserve it back. It sounds you are really good to him, some guys don’t know how lucky they are. With you saying it’s killing you him not texting, I wish my gf was like that lol.
But I guess you do need to be strong and you do need to make sure he is not using you. Why don’t you ask him out right, does he want to really make it work with you? That’s only if you want to.
But ye I’m doing great now. Over 2 months clean. I’m feeling so happy and fresh, and I’m just looking at things I can do in summer now that doesn’t involve drinking. Where abouts are you from? I’m up Manchester, Bolton.
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Hey. Glad to hear you’re doing good!
No I didn’t get any for him, he chose drugs over me so me getting it for him would be the same as if he cheated and me dropping the girl off to him. That’s how I see it anyway. Also I can’t be part of the problem, it is hard to refuse him though. He knows exactly which buttons to push with me.
I am too scared to ask as I know he will shut me down. Anytime I have ever mentioned our relationship he ends up very irritated at me so I stay away from that topic. I do get the feeling he is using me but whether he is doing it intentionally or whether it’s because he trusts me and doesn’t have the capacity to be there for me in return. But I only ever hear from him (when he isn’t staying with me) when he needs help or wants something. My logical brain is telling me to walk away as I deserve better but I don’t want to leave him when he has very few people he can trust and I would hate it if me walking away pushed him to use more.
I am from Southampton 🙂
Thank you for saying he is lucky to have me, and don’t feel bad that your girlfriend isn’t the same you should be happy that you haven’t put her in the position I am in. I am a huge believer in meant to be and I am so sad because I feel like he is my person but drugs have ruined that and taken the chance away.
I hope one day he will see this but right now I am just scared for him, scared he will die. As when he goes really off the rails he does turn to crack too.
You have no idea how much these messages are helping.
Yes summer…..so hard in this world to find things that don’t revolve around alcohol. Wish I lived in a different time.
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It’s good how you feel about him, some people don’t know how good they had it until they lose them. He should be happy your showing these feelings, but I don’t know what he’s thinking or his situation.
I know what u mean that you feel like walking away. Just do what your gut instinct tells you. If you do stay. You can’t put up with this for years if he doesn’t change. Some one else might appreciate you more and you have yourself to think about. Addicts have to fix themselves then everything else falls into place. Same with my kids. I have to think of my recovery 1st then everything else falls into place, and it is doing. Its hard explain but it just feels great with my kids now and an even better connection now am 2month clean.
I’m exactly the same everything happens for a reason. If your happy being with him, do what you thinks best. I understand when you say if you leave he will turn to crack and so on. Its just one of them crappy situations and only you can decide what’s right for you. But you have your journey and he has his. So don’t ruin your own just for some one else’s if that makes sense. I don’t want that sound bad lol.
These messages help me as well. A lot! I have message people each day in recovery who I don’t know. Its crazy. But helps. I’m always here if u want to talk.
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Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Something must change if you want change to happen. If my wife had not left our family home to pursue a new life in another country, I may well have died and or become irreversibly mentally unwell. Cocaine had quite literally fallen into my life and had taken over my mind and body, sometimes I could not rationally explain the hideous and irresponsible acts I performed while under the influence of one of the world’s strongest stimulants. Once I had developed a taste for cocaine, I believed there was nothing that could stand between cocaine and me. I had plenty of funds, an industrious dealer and I began to master the art of lying to my wife about where I was, who I was with, and when I might return home. On the face of things, I believed I was in control because to a large degree I got away with it. My fears were not will I lose my wife, my job, or my home. Instead, I was concerned with at what time could I sneak out of work or my home to score, and should I buy two or three grams tonight? The point is I was not on the same planet as others, especially not my poor wife’s. It would not have mattered what temporary obstacle she may have placed in front of me, because I knew almost any chastisement from her for being home late, indifferent or argumentative would be a low price to pay for the reward of cocaine I would later grant myself. However, one day, she left me to face what can only be described as a glimpse of hell. I am not expecting violins, but until my wife had cut the cord I was not able to heal from what is a seriously dangerous and filthy drug. If I may provide some background to my situation: at the time cocaine enveloped me, I was performing a highly stressful job, very comfortably off, reasonably popular, and thought life was sweet enough. We had first-world problems. Cocaine was sold to me at a posh black-tie event, but I did not consume it at the event. However, two weeks later I am alone in my kitchen at home and I remember having bought it and go to check my dinner jacket to find a bag of white powder in the inside pocket. Within weeks of this find, I was hooked. After six months, people started to notice how often congested I was, then came the calling in sick at work followed by weird behavior. In short, I was screaming out for help but no one had thought I had a problem, certainly not with Cocaine. Eventually, my wife began discovering the paraphernalia associated with taking Cocaine: rolled notes, dusty surfaces, and bank cards lying in strange places throughout the house. I was so relieved to be found out, I was lost and needed a friend and not the merciless dealer who had begun placing bags of Cocaine under my doormat to promote his buy now pay later scheme. However, before my wife left, she got me therapy and it has immensely helped. I have developed a profound relationship with my therapist and he has unlocked in me why I felt compelled to abuse myself and disrespect others, but until I had realised the source of my problem I misled my therapist and deceived my wife into believing I was cured. After a short stint sober, I was back on it again, and eventually, my wife left me. I needed her to go and for me to face some horrendous demons. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and two years later I have been teetotal and I joined my wife in the country she immigrated to. I do not believe there is one clear reason as to why one is dependent on drugs, but a plethora of reasons. Sometimes, it is not the recipient’s job to ascertain those causes but the abuser themselves. I needed to be left to walk alone in the valley of darkness to realise what I was singlehandedly destroying. One cannot lead another person’s life. After leaving me, the next best thing my wife did for me was to leave the door open for when I wanted to change. If not the original post, I hope my story helps somebody.
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Hi Laura,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that breaking up with your partner because of his drink and drug use has been so tough for you. If you would like some more support you may like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people in situations like you, having to deal with the impact of addiction. We have trained and experienced people that you could talk who would understand if you think that would help you.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org
All the best.
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It was just the once, but it caused so must problems years after. But it’s OK now.
I only used on Fridays or Saturdays. So it didn’t really effect my work life. At 1st i wanted coke after I had alcohol and it got to the stage were I was craving it with out alcohol. And I had used once or twice in work. Which I regret alot. Obviously you feel really shitty at work up until Wednesday or Thursday as it makes you depressed. Then Friday comes you want to get on it again. It’s one big vicious circle. Feel free to ask me anything ????
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I have so many questions just going through something that has upset me and trying to figure it out. I’m glad things are better and well done on keeping clean. Keep at it. The universe has your back.
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It was just the once, but it caused so must problems years after. But it’s OK now.
I only used on Fridays or Saturdays. So it didn’t really effect my work life. At 1st i wanted coke after I had alcohol and it got to the stage were I was craving it with out alcohol. And I had used once or twice in work. Which I regret alot. Obviously you feel really shitty at work up until Wednesday or Thursday as it makes you depressed. Then Friday comes you want to get on it again. It’s one big vicious circle. Feel free to ask me anything ????
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Well ask away if u want? Is this your partner?
I joined CA anonymous on boxing day after 11 years of using and now I’m just over 2 month clean. I have to work the 12 steps. One is praying to a higher power, and that’s what I’ve chosen.. The universe, law of attraction, positive energy. So I get on my knees twice a day now and pray. Never thought id do this. But it helps. I just struggle speaking up in the meetings. I find it really hard ???????? lol
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Someone I know kind of was seeing but I’m left confused.
Just trying to educate myself to understand better.
Why do u find speaking up about it difficult? You have given great advice and tips on here… really inspiring to see someone able to get themselves on the righr track. Do u have a number I can just call and ask you a few questions on as I don’t want to bombard you on this. Or email address if that’s preferable
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What has upset up? It’s OK if you can’t say. I undertand
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Hi Danman,
I hope you are well 🙂
I have a question for you if that’s okay? You mentioned you had done some things in your past, did you leave a partner ever and keep coming back? I’m just curious what it can do with feelings toward a significant other, I hope that makes sense, did you ever shut feelings off and blank people out of your life that had been good to you? Just want to try and get some sense in things while I feel a bit lost and you have given great advice and really open about things.
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Hiya, it’s funny you ask that because yes I did. I think twice. The 1st time was when she was pregnant(which I regret) it was after I cheated and I thought I feel happier on my own and I moved out in a friend’s house, and I used more and more. My using went worse. All this was in the space of 4 month I’d say. Then my boy was born and after a month, she had another lad round, and I couldn’t bare see her with anyone else so I moved back. The 2nd time was 2 year ago. I just had enough, moved back in my mums and got a house and I just had to wait for it to be done up. Again this was over 4 month. Again I was using more, even in my mum and dad’s house which I’m ashamed off. My using was the worse during this time.
I think I was having a mini mid life crisis even though am 37 lol. But there is a pattern here in which I noticed. I was doing my best to quit coke. And everytime I thought I’d be better on my own away from it all. When in fact it got worse. I can’t do it without my gf and kids. I’m better here. If I wasn’t here I’d be using all the time and powerless over my addiction. They was stupid mistakes. The grass ain’t always greener and I learned that. She took me back. I know stupid ain’t she.
It’s hard to explain shutting feelings out. Because I was depressed and I’m on tabs. Some mornings I’d wake up downstairs at 3am on my own and just cry. And it’s hard to tell anyone that. I didn’t know if I was depressed because I don’t know what it felt like if that makes sense.
My gf is good to me. But she has a big temper so we argue a bit and it’s hard to show her feelings as sometimes she not interested. Some people just want to forget the things they have done or doing and blank it that way. Or can just be embarrassed.
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Thanks so much for answering that, no she isn’t stupid she is supportive and standing by your side, that takes a lot of courage and love for you so I would say she is amazing, you have given me some insight and clarity which is great, I understand the getting worse when not with your family, I never asked my partner to stop but I also didn’t know the extent of how bad the addiction was until he has left, every couple argues so no different from the rest in that one! And we can have tempers that’s for sure, I would say I’m a very patient person but I got pushed a few weeks ago and lost my temper too he chose going to deal over me and fit hurt so much, I said some horrible things which I regret, I just wonder does guilt hit people with addiction, could he understand how this would hurt or would that feeling not come into it? You don’t have to answer this question if you don’t want too but did you ever get into debt? Or have people chasing after you? I know my ex did/does quite a lot, his mums house has been put on watch twice and he has asked me for money twice as he has until 7pm each time to pay or they would have supposedly done something to him, I’m frightened for him, his mum, me. He used to say “I don’t want to put you at risk” I guess I hope he left me with good intentions that he knows I’m a good person and didn’t want me caught up in this, on the other hand I sometimes think was he high on love if that makes sense was it the drugs that made him like me. Sorry for rambling on! Haha
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Yes she is amazing for standing by me. I’m great with our kids and we are a good family unit. Just coke came in the relationship. We all say terrible things in the moment I wouldn’t worry about it.
Thing is with addiction he will know it hurts you. But he will have one thing on his mind at 1st and that’s getting coke. It takes all our sensible thinking, our spending quality times with partners, kids and family away from us and just have one thing on our mind. To get high. I’ve watched a lot of videos on cocaine addiction on you tube so many women have said they chose drugs over their kids, if coke wasnt there is imagine he would be with you everyday. It’s just what it does to you. It comes 1st. Some people don’t look after themselves hygiene wise on coke. I wasn’t like that though.
He will definitely feel guilt with cocaine. The come downs are horrendous, one bad thought after another. I can’t say what he is thinking, but I know guilt will be in there. Right at the top.
I never got in bad debt. If I owed money I paid it that week. As it will just be on my mind. My kids got everything 1st. But the money could and should of gone on my kids anyway. But I only got what I could afford.
Ramble on as much as you want. It keeps me from using talking like this ????
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Thank you that makes things clearer, that’s good that your kids always got what they needed and your weren’t in debt as this is what I worry with him, his ex partner does all the providing for his children a long with his mum, he buys the odd thing here and there but generally it’s his mum that pays, he has drug dealers and csa on the case so I guess that shows how bad it is 🙁 he holds down a good job but I worry that could all go too, he has no boundaries or rules in his life he just does whatever he wants, he is clean though like you say Coke can make you not take care of yourself. He just pushes everything away that’s good for him but like you say it’s the pull of that one thing nothing else, he doesn’t communicate well is that a thing too? If something is bothering him he wouldn’t talk about it, he used to say to me “communicate with me” and when I did he gave me a load of promises and then ran, when confronted by this he said he tried to fix it but he didn’t, I have heard so many horror stories of dealers getting people to do things for them if they owe money, his mum is enabling him which I know is so hard to not give money, she is so poorly and he still does this to her, I guess this just shows what it does to mindset and how it impacts others around it all. How is your recovery going? Think I saw on an earlier post your Manchester aren’t you? I work in the city centre 🙂
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Hiya, well ye lack of communication is one problem. As I go on the meetings I here everyone’s story’s and they all say the same thing, lack of hygiene, hiding, avoiding things, plus a lot more things but most are the same. A lot of addicts take advantage of their mums and they wouldn’t do it clean. It just makes you a horrible person. I just read a great book called ‘ mum can you lend me 20 quid’. It’s a true story by a woman who had twin boys and both turned to heroin and how one died and the effects it has on family’s. Great book.
My recovery is going great I feel so much happier, and just thinking of things to do at the weekend when lockdown is over with. Thinking of doing canoeing on sale water park lol. I need start doing things like this now I don’t drink.
I work in city centre as well. Work for the Bank. Don’t want to sayy which one on here lol. But I work in hardmam boulevard. Near spinning fields. What do u do?
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Ha… i learnt to windsurf on XXXXX park many moons ago. I used to work across fromXXXXXXXX. Now from home ????.
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Hiya! I have read that book 3 times!! It’s so good, haha I know which bank you mean I work for a finance broker in st Anne’s square obviously cannot say which but right by Barton arcade! That is so amazing you planning all those lovely things and recovery is going well, he used to say “I need to do more abs treat you” always ended up being me doing it so it’s nice to hear you are doing well and seeing things coming up! I’m going to read that book again!! Think it might answer a few things again as it’s a few years since I have. Thanks again for always giving sound advice!
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I just hate talking in front of people. I have no confidence in doing it lol
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Hope you are okay laura!!!! Xx
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That’s not good Laura lol. Hope you are well ????
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Hi. This is regarding the post where someone asked does coke make people walk away and not care. I have/had the most beautiful man in my life, but he has been using C and smoking weed since 13yrs of age. I have commented here before. On good days he is the most caring and loving and treats me like a princess. Before lockdown he was using C no less than 2 times a week, smokes weed daily. Since lockdown i would say 3/4 times minimum. The thing is, he is pure jekyll and hyde. I have studied and studied personality disorders/addiction and I get left so confused as to whether i am dealing with the biggest arsehole, the effects of addiction the most thrown about word…. narc. So to answer your query…. yes they do disappear and yes they turn off all care/feelings towards the person they claim to love so much. The lack of taking responsibility for every little thing, left me walking on eggshells and apologising for things that were not my fault. Last year he walked away for two months yet mixtures of messages of love and of not wanting me anymore. This year already, its now over two months. I think C makes them incapable of being a loving caring individual all of the time. It makes them actually not give one shit at times. Ive been in limbo for two months yet will then get glimmer of hope texts every few days. They stamp all over your heart, not once taking any look at their treatment towards us. I think if something serious comes up, they run to C even more so and are able to shut down without a care for us or even fear we may leave.
This is obviously only my opinion. So i still remain non the wiser whether their total selfish behaviour is due to their greater love for C than us, their emotional incapabilities of staying and facing situations and will therefore just get off their tits.
This doesnt come from an angel or holier than thou. Up to last year i was taking E’s and doing C. My thing was alcohol so this year, im cutting that too. But i always know what is right and wrong in how I treat people and I do believe C destroys people from the inside out. Sending love to whoever needs it xxx
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Hi Hilton,
I hope you are okay, it was me that asked and we have spoken before and stories are pretty identical! Totally shit and being left in the dark, sending you lots of care and support lovely! I’m so glad for this forum I would be totally lost without it! Let me know how you are doing xx
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Hi. Hope you are ok. Im still on that hamster wheel at the moment of exactly what you say, in the dark and confusion, with little glimmers of hope. Look after yourself and I agree re the forum xx
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Here if you need anything! And you look after yourself too, We got this ???????? Keep focusing on you lovely! treat yourself and be kind to yourself xx
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No way did you. Is it any good?
Where do you work or did u work?
How are you coping now? Are you still with him?
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I learnt in xxxxx not sure what it is like now at Xxxx.
In limbo at the moment.
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No way did you. Is it any good?
Where do you work or did u work?
How are you coping now? Are you still with him?
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No way did you. Is it any good?
Where do you work or did u work?
How are you coping now? Are you still with him?
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Ahh I think it’s defo changed since then haha. Have u been chill factor skiing?
Am always here anyway if u want to talk ????
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Yes. I snowboard too, not very well though ????
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Lucky get. I’ve always wanted do that and ski.
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3 times lol imlve never read a book more than once. But I tell you what is a great book I’ve just read.. Many lives many masters. Have you read it? It’s all true and todo with a high up physician in America. Who does past life regression and stumbled upon some interesting things.
I know where you mean. Least there is always somewhere eat at dinner lol. I’ve read quite a few true story books from the addicts view and family’s. They are really gripping, and a lot of the addicts turned out to be successful, even millionaires lol.
Thanks for your lovely comments ????????
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No I haven’t read that one but I definitely will now! Anymore recommendations throw them my way, I have just enrolled in Psychology with open study as I’m fascinated so all this helps! Yeah so many amazing places! Need to stay away from street guys! Ha, just nice to hear someone has been to the dark side and come out the other side bigger and better as when your in the middle of it and find out how bad it gets, you have done so much of the hard work already and seeing so many changes in yourself and everything around it, it’s amazing! And gives hope too!
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Good luck with the psychology course. Life is about learning and having fun so I hope it all goes well. Ive not come out the other side just yet but I’m more prepared. I’ve just done my step 4 with my sponsor. I don’t know if you know much about it. But there are 12 steps we do. And step 4 is resentments. We have to let them go so I’ve had to write alot of resentments from my past. A lot of this is due to people using, and we need to let go of it. Soo… I have a lot of resentment to my dad., he screamed at me so much as a kid and put me down, I’ll be here all day if I go into detail. So I’ve just gone through them with my sponsor, he says your not at fault for it and ect.. Just move on from it. Its because we can hold on to these and causes us to use. It’s quite good really and makes sense. A bit like councilling. Sorry for going on haha.
Thanks for your comment. It really helps me. ????????
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I actually don’t know much about the recovery process so really good to get an Insight, I’m sorry you had to go through that it’s painful and nobody deserves that, but also painful things make us stronger and that’s exactly what your doing so keep going and you will smash it! Writing them down is a great way of putting it out there so it isn’t in your mind going round and round, it’s a great technique and can be used in so many ways, your not going on at all, we’re all helping each other on here and you have helped me loads in the last few days with understanding things, If it makes sense then it will help that’s what I always think, if you get clarity on things you can always do something about it! Yeah the course will be great and give me something to focus on ???????? Keep us all in the loop oh how you are progressing Dan! Cannot wait to hear more of your journey mate
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I was thinking doing a journal. I’ve just read Matthew mcconaugheys book and he did that. Another great book to read lol. I defo will keep you updated! I’m on here everyday. I’ve got to keep my day busy with daily task. This being one of them. So my mind stays occupied. I listen to some good podcast as well. You seem really nice, your partner needs put some effort in with you lol. What’s your name? And thanks again ????
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What’s your rship like now with your father? Did it improve with time? Your inspiring and I think writing about your journey could help alot of people suffering.
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It’s OK now. But even my gf says when I’m at my mum and dad’s now I’m still scared of him. And I’m like a little boy near him lol.
I’d love write a book. Just have to leave some things out haha
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A journal is a great idea! You can track process and it’s a great road map to help others, you can always look back at it and people can relate to recovery process! Love that idea! Thank you I agree with you he does but we still haven’t spoken so I’m petrified at the moment, haven’t been sleeping, It’s Soph ???? when he did this last time he was gone for 2 months no word from him at all, I just hope he is okay
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I’ve just no time at all to do that at the mo. Plus im afraid if one of the kids see it lol.
You need try and get some sleep you will just make your self worse. If he was gone last time for 2 month and nothing from him that says it all. Just try and spend some time with some friends and keep your self busy.
I seriously can not wait till this lock down is over. I’ve missed the gym. And the ice cream parlour ????
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Yeah I will do, trying to put myself first at the moment, sometimes wish I didn’t care does that sound awful? 🙁 can’t help it though he means a lot to me, relationship was good like a best friend, known each other a long time, took us a while to get together he chased I was having none of it, then I did give in eventually lol, loved the bones of him but this just ruins it all I hate it, my guy is gone if that makes sense this rules him or he wouldn’t quit and run, got to be strong and know it’s not me and battle through it, I will be okay in the end just worry for him, he has already lost friends to this including very recently and still doesn’t make him stop and think, hope everyone has a lovely weekend! One more week closer to lock down being lifted!! ????????
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No it doesn’t sound awful at all. Your just in a crappy situation and proves addiction effects loved ones as well. Love does hurt don’t it. And because you have known each other so long I bet it hurts more watching him like this. I’ve been on loads of meetings recently were women had their kids took off them because of coke addiction. Some had got their kids back. But they chose coke over their own kids. It’s heart breaking what it does to people. This obviously isn’t him. But I think he does need get some meetings in and get some peoples numbers.
Have a good weekend mate ????????????
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How are you all doing?
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Hey Danman, still the same still no contact but maybe it’s for the best, how are you doing?? How’s recovery? Started the Psychology A Level…wow! Ha I forgot what it was like to study!! Hope you are well
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Ahhh leave him to it. I’m good thanks, 12 weeks clean now. Was struggling last night but I’m good now.
Thats good. At least it will keep you busy. I hope it goes well for you ????
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That’s amazing!! That’s also amazing how you managed last night and got through, shows that your determination and commitment is there and will keep getting you through those little speed bumps, Yeah I am totally leaving him to it, I heard he is involved heavily with some not nice people and they are using him to do things for them because of the money he owes, very scary as I don’t fully understand that world! Worry for him I really do but I can’t do anything so like you say keep busy and focused on what I can. So glad to hear your doing well!
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Ye I know what mean he’s up to. Just focus on your self and have some goals. I have a lot of regrets of not going college and getting a trade. I have a good job now like. But apart of me wishes I could turn back time and focus on my education and be clean. But everything happens for a reason.
Going on ain’t I haha. But just focus on your self and do well on that course and build a good foundation for yourself for the future.
Thanks for that. It cheers me up seeing these comments. I’m 3 month clean this Friday. I’ve only ever done 3 month clean once before in 11 year on this crap. So major achievement if i get passed this ????????
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Ye I know what mean he’s up to. Just focus on your self and have some goals. I have a lot of regrets of not going college and getting a trade. I have a good job now like. But apart of me wishes I could turn back time and focus on my education and be clean. But everything happens for a reason.
Going on ain’t I haha. But just focus on your self and do well on that course and build a good foundation for yourself for the future.
Thanks for that. It cheers me up seeing these comments. I’m 3 month clean this Friday. I’ve only ever done 3 month clean once before in 11 year on this crap. So major achievement if i get passed this ????????
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You will get passed it ???????????????? With the right support, that’s another goal ticked off for you right there!! Your doing it and giving people like me and others on here support along the way, that’s your driver right there..helping people! Your good at it! Yeah I will keep focused and will get there in time, I have seen him a few times but just passing in the car a wave and that’s all I get while he is sitting there with people who encourage him to be this other person, makes me so sad! I gave him a wonderful life just sad he can’t see it, that’s what hurts the most I think 🙁 but I will get there ????????
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It’s true what they say about some people don’t know how good they had it – until its gone. You will get there in the end. ????
The next time you go on a date or meet someone. Get them to fill in a questionnaire in.. 1st question.. Do you take coke? 2nd. Are you prepared to take regular drug test?, ???? that would be much easier for the future ????
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It’s true what they say about some people don’t know how good they had it – until its gone. You will get there in the end. ????
The next time you go on a date or meet someone. Get them to fill in a questionnaire in.. 1st question.. Do you take coke? 2nd. Are you prepared to take regular drug test?, ???? that would be much easier for the future ????
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Hahaha don’t the thought has crossed my mind ???????? knowing what I know now for sure! He will realise I’m sure and it will be too late, I know deep down I’m better out of it all just tough when you love someone and you see how amazing they are without that life. So many people on here are in the same boat so nice to know we’re not alone and can see both sides of the struggles people face! nice to see so many get out the other side too ????????
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I know what u mean. I was gutted for years when my 1st love dumped me. Its not a good feeling at all and I just went off the rails for a few year when I was 18.
I spoke for 2 mins last night in a meeting lol. I’m getting a bit better. I seriously hate stuff like this. I’ve always said ill never get married because I have to do a speech. I probably would get my mum to do it at the side of me while I hold her hand ????
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Another goal though there!! Even if you don’t like speaking up you did it!! ???????? love that! Yeah hurts like hell when you know the relationship was good and no reason to leave other than the biggest grip on the brain possible! Fighting a losing battle from the beginning I think I was, without being defeatist obviously as I don’t give up easily and would help anyone if they asked, but got to want the help like everyone says, think he knows deep down I would always be there for him if he ever needed me
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I know what u mean. I was gutted for years when my 1st love dumped me. Its not a good feeling at all and I just went off the rails for a few year when I was 18.
I spoke for 2 mins last night in a meeting lol. I’m getting a bit better. I seriously hate stuff like this. I’ve always said ill never get married because I have to do a speech. I probably would get my mum to do it at the side of me while I hold her hand ????
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You have done your best anyway, and like you said if he wants the help he will come to you.
Its upsetting seeing people in the meetings who have relapsed after months clean. You can tell they want it. There is quite a few young girls with kids took off them and are doing there best to quit, so they can get them back. It really does grip u addiction. My partner just tells me.. Just say no to it Dan lol. She still says it now. But everyone is different and she still don’t get it. I’ll let you get some rest. Have a good sleep mate ????
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You have done your best anyway, and like you said if he wants the help he will come to you.
Its upsetting seeing people in the meetings who have relapsed after months clean. You can tell they want it. There is quite a few young girls with kids took off them and are doing there best to quit, so they can get them back. It really does grip u addiction. My partner just tells me.. Just say no to it Dan lol. She still says it now. But everyone is different and she still don’t get it. I’ll let you get some rest. Have a good sleep mate ????
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I can’t carry on, I’ve changed my phone no moved all his stuff out I don’t know where he’s staying, he has no money so his tick bill will be alot, I could of handled alot of it but the disappearing for days was to much cos I don’t know who he’s been with, he stays up for weeks & doesn’t sleep & his mum allows it & he’s normally at hers on the sofa watching her son kill himself. I have no strength no more I’m numb I’m getting blamed for ruining him but it was him that ruined me, he used to spent loads on datting aps & said he used to do it of his nut, I’m taking 1 day at a time cos he’ll never changed he chose Coke over his family
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Hope your OK it does make you do seedy things coke with the dating apps and that, plus with him dissapering your going to think the worse case scenario. You will start to feel better with time, and realise you have made the right decision ????
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Is it so nice to here from someone who is an addict, well done for staying clean.
Reading your post is helping me loads, my ex has been gone 3 weeks now & I’m devastated I’ve changed my number cos I’m going round in circles we had a nice house done it all up but he lost his job & van cos he wouldn’t get up & stay in bed for weeks & then get up & will pop to the shop & I wouldn’t see him for days, I’d find womans numbers on his phone he used to spend £500 a week to dealers, I let him do it & tried to keep him of it for a few days but he blames me for not trusting him & I constantly nagged him, but he made me so scared all the time he wouldn’t come home & spend all our money.
I feel like the whole 4yrs was a lie & everything that people said about him were true.
I feel a mug & everyone is laughing at me
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I’ve seen heard so many stories from people from the meetings and on here, were they have gone missing for days. Just in coke. Mine was just over one night. I could never go into the nxt day. May be a few times when I split up from my gf. It’s mad how this things grips people for days like this. I had a fear of being dumped and kicked out, plus my kids seeing me this bad so I always stopped the next day.
I can imagine what people were saying about it. What he got up to. I did some stupid things that I don’t want to say on here. But no one is laughing at you,and if there is, rise above it, your better than this. It’s his loss. It is true that time is a great healer, so surround yourself with people that love and care for you. Do some new activities or something to keep your mind busy. Don’t ever go back there. Some people do. But life will get a lot better for you. It will just take time ❤️????
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Is it so nice to here from someone who is an addict, well done for staying clean.
Reading your post is helping me loads, my ex has been gone 3 weeks now & I’m devastated I’ve changed my number cos I’m going round in circles we had a nice house done it all up but he lost his job & van cos he wouldn’t get up & stay in bed for weeks & then get up & will pop to the shop & I wouldn’t see him for days, I’d find womans numbers on his phone he used to spend £500 a week to dealers, I let him do it & tried to keep him of it for a few days but he blames me for not trusting him & I constantly nagged him, but he made me so scared all the time he wouldn’t come home & spend all our money.
I feel like the whole 4yrs was a lie & everything that people said about him were true.
I feel a mug & everyone is laughing at me
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Thanx for replying the sad thing is when he stays out he goes to his mums, if she texts me I could get him back but she messaged 4 days later.
She hides him but I feel like I’m constantly hunting to get my car back.
He blames me cos he popped round a friends house & I know he turns his phone off & I don’t know where he is but this time I’d had enough & all his stuffs gone, I’m proud of u for taking that step to get clean, talking to u on here helps loads cos u make it feel like its not our fault.
I don’t think they no what he’ll we live with
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Thanx for replying the sad thing is when he stays out he goes to his mums, if she texts me I could get him back but she messaged 4 days later.
She hides him but I feel like I’m constantly hunting to get my car back.
He blames me cos he popped round a friends house & I know he turns his phone off & I don’t know where he is but this time I’d had enough & all his stuffs gone, I’m proud of u for taking that step to get clean, talking to u on here helps loads cos u make it feel like its not our fault.
I don’t think they no what he’ll we live with
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Why does she hide him?
Just hide your car keys lol
Why would he blame u for going a friends house?
Your right it’s not your fault. Us addicts blame partners and familys and everyday life on using. But it’s just part of the addiction/disease, its just an excuse to keep using. It’s called emotional relapse. It’s just an excuse to go and take the stuff. It’s all out faults. We dont go blaming asda for selling me whiskey lol. It’s my own choice at the end of the day. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
What is his mum like with him? Wraps him in cotton wool?
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Yes she allows it I’ve had loads of arguments with her, she spends his money everytime he got them grants, he done 20 grand & I still took him back.
He lost his job & my mum put up 7 grand for a van for work cos she saw the good him in & he vanished for 3 days & I knew I had to get out but were trying to get the money back from his mate who we were buying the van of, it’s all a mess it makes me hate him more but I miss him so much
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I’ll be honest it’s not good him doing that when your mum put up 7k, and then missing for 3days.
You are best off out of there. He needs to get help and admit he has a problem otherwise you are just going to be in this vicious circle for the rest of your life.
But just do what you feel is right. Have u any kids?
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I can’t thank u enough your replies have given me strength, I have just been for a run & I’m planing to do things for myself cos the last 4 years I’ve been controlled & wasn’t allowed out to see my friends or nothing, I can see now it’s because someone will tell me something he’s done, u don’t realise how much you’ve helped me thank you
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Running is good for your health and releases endorphins which makes you happy. I was in the same situation with my ex, 4 year I wasn’t allowed to do nothing. I wasn’t even allowed to watch films over PG rating! Or watch TV on my own. Long story. Had no mates.
It’s hard when its like this you think that there is nothing else out there or better. But there is! You will get what you deserve it just takes time. Just don’t ever go back if he’s controlling you. Just start planning your future now ???????? thanks for that ????
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