[r23]

Hi me and my ex split 2 weeks ago

because he spends his weekly wages on cocaine and I had enough of him constantly asking me for money. He was doing coke secretly after he said he had stopped and telling me his money was going on child maintenance. This of course was a lie. As I found a wage slip which he kept hiding and after child maintenance he would of had at least £350. He is now trying to get back home. I agreed at the weekend as long as he got help and I agreed to help whatever it took. Alas the weekend he went missing and I could not contact him. He is living with his elderly father so obviously putting him at risk from covid if he is going to peoples houses who facilitate him to take coke. Comes to Monday and hes trying to get home again. I know I should just tell him to go away but I do love him and want to help. What can I do?

[stemgirl]

Hi there,

Sorry you and your partner are going through this.

In my experience, and that of others on here, the will to change has to come from him. It has to be a genuine desire of his to seek help for his addiction. He will need the support of groups and professionals. It’s so hard to accept that someone has chosen a substance over a relationship but that’s how powerful drugs and alcohol are.

I left my partner about two weeks ago too. He hasn’t even tried to fight it as he’s not ready to make promises he knows he won’t keep or to admit he has an issue.

However you handle this, don’t feel alone. If you can, convince him to get friends and family involved. The less secrets the better. Hiding things and telling lies just makes everything harder. After all, addiction is awful but there’s no shame in it. The same as any other illness.

Take care.

[r23]

Hi

Thanks for reply so glad it’s not just me. Me and my partner are nearly 50 so its embarrassing to discuss with my family because of his age and they are against any drugs and so they should be.

He has said he needs help and his twin sister knows. So hopefully this can be sorted.

Your right it is an illness and I feel bad I abandoned him but I just got to the end of my patience.

Thanks again

[stemgirl]

Don’t feel like you are or have ever abandoned him. Addiction changes people which is what makes it so different from many other illnesses. Sometimes the person you love isn’t even there, not enough of the time anyway because the addiction is controlling them. You must look after yourself too.

His sister knowing is a good start. Wanting to stop is a good start if it’s genuine.

As far as you personally needing people to talk to about this who won’t judge him or you, this is a great forum for that. Don’t be a stranger if you’re struggling.

You’re so very welcome

[drained-and-tired]

Your defo not alone, my partner of 7 years is addicted, spends most of hes time away not coming home, and when he does he spends days in bed with a pig attitude. Its heartbreaking at times when you plan days out or anything at home and you just get lies and the whole not answering calls or texts. Then the fake im going to change attitude, yet nothing changes.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment.

If you would like some help please contact us at The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers support to the families around the addict. We have experienced people you could talk with who would be able to let you know what other help is available for both you and your partner. Maybe talking would help to answer your questions.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[Author]

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